Advice needed please

EslaDee

Marcheline wrote: »

I agree with you EslaDee: she sounds weird to me and I think they're rushing into it. Does your son seem ok in every other respect? Is he maybe depressed, lonely, just out of a longterm relationship? could anything be clouding his judgement about this girl?

I wouldn't be pawing any boyfriend in front of his parents, esp. not at the first meeting! Doesn't sound like she was nervous to me!

Regardless of the fact I wouldn't have liked her either, I think you should do as ditzy suggests and tell him in a very softly softly way about your concerns and then just leave it. I would also invite them round again to show that there's no hard feelings. If she's serious about getting on with you, she'll accept. If your son says she doesn't want to come to yours, perhaps you could wangle an invite round to his when she's there, in an attempt to get on. I wouldn't go grovelling to her for forgiveness though, just show that the pathways of communication are open.

If your son doesn't listen to your concerns, I think you are going to have to support his decision, however much it will kill you. Don't cut your son off because of this girl, you will regret it and he may need your support in the future.

He did take up with this girl after he split up with his previous g/f but that relationship had sort of limped to a gradual end, so no sort of heartbreak involved. I would usually support my children with their relationship even if I didn`t like their partner, if they were happy that would be enough for me. I feel this is something else though.
I realise you are all right however, I should be supportive of him, maybe I am totally wrong. It has helped such a lot to talk to someone without involving my daughter, thank you all so much.

EslaDee

scottishchick27 wrote: »

What is the blanked out word?

Have sent you a pm, and also one to someone else who asked, hope that is ok.

ailuro2

Anyone who uses the word sp***ic automatically qualifies for entry into a "people I don't like list"- so I'm really not surprised you've not taken to her if that's the way she talks.:rolleyes:

not much you can do to talk your son round, except to sit him down and tell him how much you love him and that you'll always be there for him no matter what. Explain your concerns, tell him you're not trying to split them up, but you need to get these things off your chest, and also explain you feel she is alienating you from the start when you'd like nothing more than a lovely d-i-l to add to the family.

Best of Luck!

jenhug

Honestly, just keep on being nice to her and inviting them round as a couple, eventually she will realise her efforts aren't working. Kill her with kindness, so to speak!

jenhug

I would invite a few select guests round, get her a little something for her "bottom drawer" (doesn't have to be expensive, just some tea towels etc for their home) get them a card, totally disarm her with a lovely little speach about how pleased you are. It will drive her nuts if she is as bad as you say. I think maybe I am a B*tch!

jenhug

how did that song go "You got to be cruel to be kind, in the right measure!" Or something like that! LOL!

alipops1986

Hey!

Just wanted to say that my sisters bf isn't well liked by my family, he's been around 8yrs now! Thankfully he won't marry her.

However, unfortunately we've realized we have no choice but to include them BOTH in the family. We don't want to lose my sister and give him what he wants, her all to himself to control.

It's a difficult situation i agree, but please try and stick it out!

spamalot

Sorry to hear about your situation, but I agree with your gut instincts. I am always wary of anyone rushing into marriage let alone kids. Its not like the old days where you had to get married quickly if you wanted to live together, there are no imposed timeframes now.

What worries me is that if she is the gold digger that you believe she might be, then by removing yourself from your son's life, you've played right into her hands. She can then persuade him to do whatever she likes and he will have no sources of support to talk to. This is a very common tactic for someone trying to manipulate their partner. I agree with one of the other posters in that you should invite them both around again on the grounds that maybe you got off on the wrong foot and that you'd like to try again. Not grovelling but making an effort. If they won't come then ask if you can go round to theirs. If she tries to cut you out after this one incident then you know that your instincts were right.

Long term, I would play it something along the lines of that you support their plans but that you feel that it would be much more sensible and in the best interests of their relationship if they were to live together first. Then after a year or so get married and have kids. Try to sound encouraging about their relationship but emphasise that it would be a mistake to rush. Often living together can open someone's eyes pretty quickly about the other person, especially when there are bills to pay!

Ultimately you can't stop it if your son is going to be easily led, you will just have to help pick up the pieces afterwards. Please don't cut him out though, imagine if she is not a gold digger and it was just a misunderstanding all along, you may have tainted your relationship with him and your future grand children.

Susan_Frost

Sorry to hear you are so worried at the moment. It is so difficult to sit on the sidelines if you think your DS/DD could be making a mistake.

First I would say, keep calm about it all. You say you were really happy about the engagement after six weeks, and probable early marriage, even though you had not even met this girl. Must admit, I would have been cautious about being so over the moon at that stage. Perhaps you are prone to making pretty snap decisions??? Not a criticism, just an observation.

You made a big effort for her and your son, but are now feeling completely the opposite, so your instincts are to never see either of them again - and I am sure you would not actually do that, it seems like another instant decision. So, as I said, keep calm.

I feel the above advice from other posters is good. Keep welcoming them to your home. It is especially important to keep friendly with your son and give him support if things go wrong. And again, I feel you would anyway, but you are very concerned at the moment and it does make us do and say things we should hold back.

Also remember, your son has other people in his life besides yourselves and he will be getting a certain amount of feedback from them.

You cannot stop him doing what he wants, but you can push him into a corner, so dont do that. As the above poster says, ultimately it could mean that in a few years from now you will be posting about how can you see your grandchildren because she is keeping them away from you because of your difficult relationship.

Hopefully it will not go that far. Hope you get some peace of mind soon.

Pee

You have voiced your reservations. Just be there for him and be nice to her and make it clear there is no choice between you and he can do whatever he wants. She'll find it harder to push him into something he doesn't want with that kind of support.