Advice needed please

EslaDee

I would be grateful of any advice with this problem I am so upset and don`t know who to talk to.

My son is in his early 30's and has had several long term relationships, we (my DD and I) have stayed on friendly terms with most of them, but he has just announced that after 6 weeks of dating he is getting engaged, we were surprised but really pleased. A whirlwind romance!

He has worked in the same place as her for 6 months while he was going out with his last g/f, but they have now been and placed a deposit on a ring, £1,500.00 and will be picking it up as soon as it has been altered. He then announced that she wants to get married asap, we were still really pleased, but then he rang me to say she wants children immediately. He sounded a bit 'resigned' when he said this, so that alarmed me a little.

He brought her to meet us this weeekend and we knocked ourselves out to make sure everything was spick and span and welcoming, we baked and prepared food for the day. We even served cream and custard and cheese for them (we are vegan).

However from the moment they walked in she was very cold with us, didn`t answer when we spoke to her and spent most of the day 'pawing' my son. She did tell us that a friend of hers was looking for a house in the area where she currently lives (she rents a flat) but that property there is quite pricey.

My DD was of the same opinion as me, that she wasn`t interested in being friendly with us, just wanted my son.

Apparently she has been quite deeply in debt and my son is helping her, pays for just about everything it seems.

I was so worried about her rush to have children so soon, that I rang my son the next day and told him I was worried about it, children are a lifelong committment and once you have them even if your relationship fails you must always put them first. Added to which the man quite often loses his home and must pay not only for his children (quite rightly) but sometimes also his ex wife.

He said that he had been wondering of they could not delay the chldren thing for a while. Today he rang to say that when he saw her last night she was crying and saying I thought she was a S*****c, which took my breath away, I didn`t think it and would never say that about anyone. He said he wasn't going to give her up, which no-one suggested anyway. Engagements can be called off, marriages can be ended, although no-one would wish that, but children must be cared for and put first always.

I had been wondering what I had done wrong, what I could do to make things right and get things on a friendly footing, but after this latest revelation I have come to feel that she is a manipulative gold digger, who has been looking for a someone with a decent job that she can get her clutches into, have children and not work and take him for everything he has if they split up.

I actually am considering telling my son I don`t want to see either of them again, which would hurt me very much, but I hate to see him being played for a fool.

Sorry, I know it is a ramble but even so I could put much more, but that may identify
the people concerned. :-(

harley1

Please, please, please don't cut him out of your life.

He is around my age, so I can't speak from experience but I can see that he will probably come to his senses in time but if you force them together that could end up taking longer and she will already have got things much further ahead than you would like.

I don't really know how to advise you to proceed, but if I was in his shoes I would want to know that my family supported pretty much everything I do, and will be there to pick up the pieces when and if it all goes wrong.

My mum hated one of my exes years ago. Not that I ever knew, until I left him. She said it was my mistake to make and that when I was ready to move out again (as it happened within 10 weeks) she was there to listen, dad helped me move out and they gave every support I could have wanted. Had they have disowned me or not been there for me, I can imagine that I would have put up with him for a lot longer due to not really knowing what else to do.

As it happens, I am a pretty strong person anyway and I have no idea of your sons personality and how he might react, but please don't put him in the position where he might have to choose. I would like to think that he would choose you, but do you want to take the risk?

You say he sounded resigned to the fact that she wants children immediately, maybe this is already ringing alarm bells for him.

I really do wish you all the best and hope that he comes to his senses soon.

Harley xxx

Itsgottabedone

Oh, poor you! Couldn't just read and run, but I'm not sure I have anything to say that will magically make everything right for you.

On the positive side he's a grown man, with experience of other relationships. I would be much more concerned if he was a lot younger or was committing to the first woman he'd been out with.

You're lucky to have your daughter to compare notes with, but don't turn your concerns into a campaign to split them up - this will surely only drive your son away, and they could be together for many years. Try to do what mothers do - bite your tongue, give your opinion when asked (and only when asked!) and be available to him whether he needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate his engagement/marriage/children.

Sorry not to be more help, but good luck to all of you.

ditzy

aww hun your obviously in an awkward position here ... but in all fairness she may have just been shy and uncomfortable around you .. i dread 'meeting the parents' and im a fully grown woman with children of my own. Its daunting sometimes and she might just be the quiet type. I understand your concern about the rush and it all seeming to move very quickly and also the concern of them having children but .... as a parent you cant sit and judge or tell your kids what to do no matter how old they are .. he is a grown man .. and his choices wether good or bad are HIS choices. If he feels you are against the new girlfriend .. all it will most likely do is drive a wedge between you. You can only tell him your concerns in a kind and softly softly way and then hope for the best.
I would try to patch things up asap if you can hun, because whatever your opinion of this girl .. he obviously loves her.
while i agree it does ring alarm bells that she wants to rush things and get married, have babies ect ( i would be worried too ) you cant let that show .. it will only drive him to her more IMO
just try to be there for him and love him like you always have

good luck its not a situation i envy :grouphug:

jenhug

I can't figure out what the blanked out word is!
Don't cut him out, thats what she wants, tell him you thought she was really nice, just a little shy! Whatever she says to put you down always come back with something nice, it will draw her out quicker than if you start fighting and arguing.

EslaDee

Thanks Harley, I have always told my children that they could come to me with any problem or tell me anything (and once or twice they did) and I even if I didn't approve I would help in any way I could. This is just beyond me though, it would mean everything to me to know my children were happy, but I fear the worst over this.

EslaDee

To everyone above thank you. My son is one of those people who is intelligent but can be quite thick over some things. We had a situation not totally dissimilar a couple of years ago, a girl he thought was from the council/a social worker/a policewoman helping someone ' troubled' turned out to be just a friend of the person concerned and was trying to gain favours by flattering him. I always brought my children up to be kind and caring, but sometimes it seems that they are just plain gullible

foxy-roxy

well they say mothers instincts are always right, but the more u try and put him off her the more he will want to prove u wong.
Best to just bite your lip (unless he asks you advice) and just be there for him if and when it goes wrong.
I do feel for you though, it must be so worrying but people do need to make there own mistakes to learn from them.
Good Luck

Marcheline

I agree with you EslaDee: she sounds weird to me and I think they're rushing into it. Does your son seem ok in every other respect? Is he maybe depressed, lonely, just out of a longterm relationship? could anything be clouding his judgement about this girl?

I wouldn't be pawing any boyfriend in front of his parents, esp. not at the first meeting! Doesn't sound like she was nervous to me!

Regardless of the fact I wouldn't have liked her either, I think you should do as ditzy suggests and tell him in a very softly softly way about your concerns and then just leave it. I would also invite them round again to show that there's no hard feelings. If she's serious about getting on with you, she'll accept. If your son says she doesn't want to come to yours, perhaps you could wangle an invite round to his when she's there, in an attempt to get on. I wouldn't go grovelling to her for forgiveness though, just show that the pathways of communication are open.

If your son doesn't listen to your concerns, I think you are going to have to support his decision, however much it will kill you. Don't cut your son off because of this girl, you will regret it and he may need your support in the future.

scottishchick27

What is the blanked out word?

System

i really wish i had some advice to give you but being 22 and having no kids i'm probably not the best person!

what i will say is that it does seem like she is really rushing things, and i can understand it must be very frustrating as his mother, as you can see things that he might not be able to. i have to be honest, my mum has always been spot on with bfs. Though she always told me me these things after we'd split up. Mum's do seem to have a 6th sense.

The thing is, only he can really decide what to do, i.e whether to cool things off etc, If you do cut him off or tell him what you (and lets be honest all of us) are thinking it will most likely, as others have said just push him closer to her. He needs to find out for himself. I just hope it isn't at the expense of a child!

ooh also, try and be really really nice to her. if your son can see how much you are trying to make her feel welcomed and she still acts like a !!!!! he might then realise if he's seen it with his own eyes