Will council rehouse 16 year old if we throw him out?

michaels

margaretclare wrote:

I just think it's appalling that people can talk so coolly about 'throwing him out' (their son) and expecting that the council (which we all pay for) will give him house-room when you're not prepared to.

I just think it's appalling, that's all....

'Nuff said.

Margaret Clare

We have given him a room, we have put up with physical and verbal abuse, we have sought and attended counselling, we have been supportive with his school, we have encouraged the school to give counselling, we have supported him with all the text books, tuition, computers that anyone can advise, we have accepted his treating the house like a hotel, we have accepted his appaling personal hygiene - however I do not like the fact that he does not bother to try and control his temper even in front of the babies and that is why we are thinking about this step - and hence why I came here for advice. It is not the financial aspect of getting the council to 'look after him' that I am thinking off, it is for the safety of my family.

rchddap1

My first suggestion would be to have a private chat to your partner about your concerns. Whatever you decide to do as her son its going to be her that has to do it. I am an almost step mother to 2 daughters. Fortunately they are lovely girls and I haven't had a problem, but I do know how difficult it can be when you see a problem, but can't fix it because you're not 'mum or dad'.

Take a look through this thread, pick out all the agencies and advice you can find, talk to you partner about it and come to a decision together. Of course you don't want your new babies to be at risk, but right now your stepson is at risk too. Deciding the right course of action and whose needs come first is going to be a very difficult balancing act.

I'm sure you'll find a path through it, but unfortunately its going to have to be your partner who does the dirty deeds so to speak.

michaels

raymond wrote:

If someone posted that they were thinking of throwing out a dog they would be flamed and regarded as *** not very nice people. What makes it any different to throw away your kids when they dont turn out as you expect, and at 16 he is still a child.

Just create another sponge to soak up our taxes instead of trying to sort out his problems.

However if they had to have the dog put down because it had savaged the child to death I suspect we would be asking why they were keeping such a dangerous animal in the first place. I know this response is far from sensitive but I feel that your comments slightly out of line here - yes I have not explained my situation fully but I hope you can understand that I think the young children may be at risk otherwise I would not be even having this discussion.

michaels

I'd just like to thank everyone for the helpful and constructive responses. I have only had a chance to 'skim' them so far but there is lots of helpful advice.

I know the details of my first post were missing but I found it hard to avoid writing something long and rambling and probably including more personal details that I neccesarily wanted to share with strangers hence the short message.

callansdad

Things will work out for you in the end either way....these things are sent to try us all

Murtle

michaels wrote:

We have given him a room, we have put up with physical and verbal abuse, we have sought and attended counselling, we have been supportive with his school, we have encouraged the school to give counselling, we have supported him with all the text books, tuition, computers that anyone can advise, we have accepted his treating the house like a hotel, we have accepted his appaling personal hygiene - however I do not like the fact that he does not bother to try and control his temper even in front of the babies and that is why we are thinking about this step - and hence why I came here for advice. It is not the financial aspect of getting the council to 'look after him' that I am thinking off, it is for the safety of my family.

Could you not rent a room elsewhere for him to stay in? Maybe close to where you live, or can he stay with relatives? Give him some responsibility, but not too much rope to hang himself with?
M

Murtle

michaels wrote:

I'd just like to thank everyone for the helpful and constructive responses. I have only had a chance to 'skim' them so far but there is lots of helpful advice.

I know the details of my first post were missing but I found it hard to avoid writing something long and rambling and probably including more personal details that I neccesarily wanted to share with strangers hence the short message.

You can put as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, I think we just need to realise that if some things aren't said people will fill in the gaps with their own experience and give opinions based on that. As no information was originally given as to the methods you have tried already, I guess some people may have thought you'd done nothing, whilst others will think you've already gone through the mill and are coming out the other end and the only option left is to throw him out. (all permeations in between too.....) It's a mixed and varied bunch that read the boards so you'll get a blend of responses, some of which you can hopfully use going forward. However, there are always people here who are happy to help and support you through whatever steps you choose to take.

there is a thread started by Savvy_Sue (I think) about how bad children were when they were young and have they made it out the other end, may be an interesting read if you need some fresh reality, that maybe he won't turn out so bad when he's grown up.

rchddap1

Some people write posts that seem more like essays. I'm a bad culprint myself at times. If it helps to get it all out, and to get a better response then feel free. The people who are really insterested in helping will read through everything available to try to give you the best advice possible. This is one of those sites where people actually prefer long detailed posts (if posters are comfortable in releasing all that information).

Savvy_Sue

Murtle wrote:

there is a thread started by Savvy_Sue (I think) about how bad children were when they were young and have they made it out the other end, may be an interesting read if you need some fresh reality, that maybe he won't turn out so bad when he's grown up.

Nah, not me, it's aliasojo who started it, it's got 'perspective' in the title and it's in Discussion Time but seems to have fallen off the front page, possibly further back than that. Sorry can't find it now, my own teenage trial is leaning over my shoulder because I said he could have the 'puter back ...

aliasojo

Murtle wrote:

I think we just need to realise that if some things aren't said people will fill in the gaps with their own experience and give opinions based on that.

Exactly true. Also true is the fact that people do tend to generalise and sometimes forget that 'one size does NOT fit all', therefore there is never one solution, no matter how many different people have been in a similar situation.

Someone said something about a 16 year old still being a child. Personally I don't agree. An immature 16 year old is still a child but many 16 year olds are perfectly mature and act in an adult way. I had my own house at 16 and was as far from being a child as...as....as....a far away thing. :rotfl:

There is a thread started by Savvy_Sue (I think) about how bad children were when they were young and have they made it out the other end, may be an interesting read if you need some fresh reality, that maybe he won't turn out so bad when he's grown up.

That was me. I started it after having so many problems with my 16 year old that I was at the point of not being able to have any perspective at all and I just constantly felt as though the problems would never end and the only way to deal with them was to move them away from me (i.e. have son live elsewhere). We experienced all you describe and more (only he hit the walls on 2 occasions in temper, not people thankfully).

The thread helped me no end, I still think son is a little sod but I don't think he's the Devil Incarnate anymore. (Although I reserve the right to recant that and post yet another rant in DT should the need arise )

I know how strong the desire is to have a normal quiet life with no problems. I know how bad it feels to be going through 'stuff'. I know that the answer seems to be to get rid of the problem.....but it's not. If a teenager is acting up within the home where he has boundaries......how bad will he get if he is out on his own with no boundaries at all? Some kids will pull their socks up but a lot more will sink a lot further down before they get to that stage, if they ever do.

Maybe the boy and his Mum need to spend some time together.....alone. When's the last time they did that? It's probably been so long ago that they've forgotten any good kind of relationship they ever had.

My teenage strop came to a car boot sale with me last weekend and helped me sell our junk. It's the first time in years that he has even been willing to do anything that involved family and not his mates, (especially if he wasn't getting anything out of it) so I nearly fell over backwards when he said he'd help. We had a good day and a right laugh, it was good for both of us to see a glimpse of the people we used to be with each other.



Perspective thread link.