Taking control of my life

Ames

Squizz, thanks for that tip! I'll probably buy stuff to make sarnies, and those meal deals sound good. Hope I don't forget before Feb!

George, you're right about just telling her. I'll be seeing her tomorrow and tell her it has to be done, no ifs and buts. It's one phonecall then a form to fill in !!!!!!, it's not like it's a grand inquest!

Don't really have anything else to report, I'm starting to feel a bit better and make inroads into my OU work, and I've very nearly finished getting the flat in order. I've just ordered a drawer unit from wilkinsons for the bathroom, which finishes that room, now I just need some light shades, a big shef unit from Ikea that I'll save up my change for, and to find a rug I like with the 20ps I've saved up. Then when I finally get the old sofa thrown out it'll actually look like a home!

Ames

Well, I finally stood up to my family today. I saw dad and sister and asked them about doing the CC chargeback for the Leeds tickets that never turned up. They both said they can't/wont do it (and even tried to blame me for it). So I just turned round and stormed off. That's it, I'm not doing anything to do with money with them again. I'm £120 out of pocket because of them. I've just emailed sister to tell her that I'm not buying her ticket for a gig next week, my eyes have got bad again and I'm not going. This also means that I wont be able to drive her back to Skeg after the gig like she wanted.

I've been worried that if I say no when they ask me to do something I'll misjudge. I'm not sure where doing a favour cos it's what family does stops, and being taken advantage of starts. So I've let myself be taken advantage of rather than risk being seen as an ungrateful, horrible sister/daughter. But because of that they think they can just demand favours from me. In fact, I don't think they even realise it is a favour, they just think I'll do it anyway. For instance, my sister's told me I'm on 'standby' for helping her move in the next few weeks if she gets a job she's applied for, and if she doesn't, and her current contract isn't renewed, I'll have to move her on my birthday. Well, I've had enough. I'm not going to do things just because they tell me to - especially when it puts me out so much. Twice I've ended up taking her back and not getting home till 5am, it takes me all week to recover from that! So, I'm going to put myself first from now on.

Linked to this, I've decided that I'm going to be individual in my life. I had a year of sister telling me that I was doing things wrong, but now I don't care. It might not be 'normal' to buy another bookcase when you run out of room on the ones you've got, but that's how I do it. It might not be 'normal' to wear high heels all the time - but I like it and it gives me more confidence. It might not be 'normal' to volunteer rather than go on the lash every weekend, but I prefer it. Besides, there's plenty of 'not normal' things that my sister does, or encourages me in - following bands around on tour, being a female real ale fan who can discuss the joys of trappist beer.

Because of my MH problems I've always been a bit wary of being 'abnormal', but that and 'individual' aren't the same things. Little examples - if I see a nice 'evening' silk skirt on ebay for a fiver that can be dressed down with boots and a cardi, why not get it? It makes more sense than paying £30 on a pair of jeans! Of course I risk walking down the street looking like 'that mad hippy woman', but then again, I am that 'mad hippy woman'! And it makes me feel feminine to wear swishy skirts, and when you're as big as me it's hard to feel feminine.

So, I'm going to wear what I want, decorate my flat how I want, and stuff what sister thinks.

A downside today though, my eyes have got worse and I'm not going to get my OU essay done. I'm going to have to miss this and have it substituted, so I'm grateful that they have that system!

ZTD

Ames wrote: »

Linked to this, I've decided that I'm going to be individual in my life. I had a year of sister telling me that I was doing things wrong, but now I don't care. It might not be 'normal' to buy another bookcase when you run out of room on the ones you've got, but that's how I do it. It might not be 'normal' to wear high heels all the time - but I like it and it gives me more confidence. It might not be 'normal' to volunteer rather than go on the lash every weekend, but I prefer it. Besides, there's plenty of 'not normal' things that my sister does, or encourages me in - following bands around on tour, being a female real ale fan who can discuss the joys of trappist beer.

Because of my MH problems I've always been a bit wary of being 'abnormal', but that and 'individual' aren't the same things. Little examples - if I see a nice 'evening' silk skirt on ebay for a fiver that can be dressed down with boots and a cardi, why not get it? It makes more sense than paying £30 on a pair of jeans! Of course I risk walking down the street looking like 'that mad hippy woman', but then again, I am that 'mad hippy woman'! And it makes me feel feminine to wear swishy skirts, and when you're as big as me it's hard to feel feminine.

You've got to remember, that your family use the word "normal" because it makes you do what they say. It works - so they use it. If something else worked and "normal" didn't, they would use that instead. If "or you'll grow a penis" emotionally manipulated you enough to do what they said, then it would be: "Don't buy a new bookshelf - or you'll grow a penis"; "You'll have to help move, or you'll grow a penis."; "Only women growing a penis wear skirts like that" etc etc etc and so on.

It works because you are reminded of your MH health problems. That shows just exactly what parasites your sister and XOH are.

I have a relative who wears high-heels all the time. She happens to be knocking on for 70, but if that's what she wants, then she can do it. She is neither abnormal, nor growing a penis.

Ames wrote: »

So, I'm going to wear what I want, decorate my flat how I want, and stuff what sister thinks.

Well done you. Just think: Does she have a certificate in "normalcy"? If not, then why is she they doyenne of "normal".

Because she is a parasite who wishes to live off you and can only do that by emotional manipulation.

dancingfairy

I can't see how wanting to wear high heels or buy more books or any of the other things you describe are abnormal . I rather do things that are different than be 'normal' and boring. I'm also not sure how your family have arrived at their definition of normal - is it normal to want to go out getting drunk??

It also sounds like things are really improving for you - health wise, benefits/carer wise, even family wise (it sounds like standing up to your family is really positive for you).
:j:j
df

Shoe_Gal

Well done you :A

PS - I love heels and wear them all the time

Ames

Thanks guys, Z you really made me laugh with that. No sign of a penis here!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who loves heels! And apparantly buying a bookcase is abnormal because you should just get rid of books instead. Although amongst my friends that attitude is sacriligous, not 'normal'!

DF, yes, sadly in my family going to the pub two or three times a week is normal. Even when I started a new type of a-d's where I wasn't supposed to drink, the suggestion was 'just miss one dose so you can have a few pints'.

Anyway, as I said thanks.

GeorgeUK

Ames, if i had a flag i'd be waving it. Well done.

Something they probably don't know is that nobody is normal. If you had to define what was normal in detail, there wouldn't be alot of people that matched that exact criteria. Everyone is different and that's what makes everyone interesting and unique. There is nobody else exactly like you.

Everyone has different tastes and preferences. Everyone doesn't behave the same way in a given situation. If someone in my family was going to the hospital, i would hope that there would be someone going with them. According to your family, this would appear to make me abnormal. Do you think that they may be jealous that perhaps you're smarter than them and want to put you down for this too?

How often have you put yourself out to be there or do things for your family?
How often have they done this for you?

I agree that they seem to want to control you, but i have no idea why. You struggle with some things and when you try to take the initiative are just put down because of it. They don't seem to be supportive or around to help you much - only themselves.

Please don't think that looking out for your own interests will make you more like them either. Putting your own interests before those of others is not the same as walking over someone for their own benefit which they appear to do. Sorry if this sounds like i'm putting them down but you are the most important person in your life. If looking after their needs is making you ill then you need to stop. I'm not saying their poison, but their demands and attitude are definately not helpful.

It may be that you are different to them and they don't like anything different.
That's their problem - not yours. And you shouldn't let them make it your problem either. Different can be good. Imagine all the cars looking the same, all the buildings looking the same and all the peole wearing exactly the same thing. At least they can't say you're boring

redsquirrel80

Good on you Ames :T

Erm, getting rid of books, definitely sacrilege!

dancingfairy

I agree about the books - you can never have too many. They don't answer back either :rotfl:. Never quite got into the alcohol myself - plenty of other things to spend my money on. Not sure on the high heels either but hey - if that's your thing.
Seriously though things seem to be going so well and you seem to possibly be getting somewhere with getting a diagnosis and managing your time/energy levels.
I can't see why they can't give you counsellng as well as trying to treat the immune problems?
Onwards and upwards into 2010 and beoynd.
df

Ames

Thanks guys, I really need to set up email alerts so I know when someone replies. You're all right and you're great, thanks so much.

Well, I haven't heard from dad or sister since the argument Monday, but since today's Sunday it's phone call day, I'll see if dad rings me, and if not I'll give him a ring later. I need to stand my ground though.

In fact, I've done more than just that. I've booked myself a holiday in early January, which is when sister told me I need to help her move. Which is stupid, it'll take at least three car trips, probably four, and so it'll be cheaper to just hire a van. Anyway, if I'm not here I can't be manipulated! So I'm going to Venice for four nights and I'm determined to have a great time! The vitruvian man's on show so I'm going to try and see that, and I've bought myself a guide book so I can choose the things I'd like to see most. Although looking at it there's so much to do I'll need at least another couple of holidays there! It's costing me £135, plus spending money, which isn't too bad, and I had it saved already. I thought I'd have to pay about £440 for my next OU course, and it's actually £50. So I've bought some things to get closer to finishing off the flat, and the rest is for the holiday.

George - I honestly can't remember the last time my family put themselves out for me. When my sister lived in Leeds if she had nothing else on she'd come to hospital appointments with me, but that's about it. Oh, and I asked dad if I could use his details for the hot diamonds offer, but the amount of moaning from him, I'd rather have paid for the charm!

I don't know if they're jealouse because I'm smarter (if I am). They just don't understand me. They don't understand being too ill to work, or how my life is, and don't want to understand. TBH, I can't be bothered trying to second guess them anymore.

George, thanks for putting it into perspective for me. Looking after myself isn't being selfish, and I need to put myself first for a change.

I don't know about books not answering back, I once had a big pile of them against the wall and they fell over on top of me when I walked past! That's when I realised that buying a few less books and a few more bookcases was a good idea....

DF, different departments. psychotherapy don't want to pay to help me, ME clinic don't want to pay to help me, immunology have been trying to help but a lot of my problems are outside of their remit. I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow so hopefully she can get things moving.

I had an OU lecture yesterday, it was really interesting and I got involved loads. I really need to remind myself that there's no point putting off the work when it's something I really enjoy doing! I've signed up for my next course too - Economics and Economic change. I'm going to do two degrees alongside each other, history and social sciences.

Oh, and more musings on 'normality'. An adult drinking out of a sippy cup would be laughed at, an adult drinking out of a takeaway coffee cup with a little hole in the top is high powered or cool. Bizarre.