Taking control of my life

chevalier

Hi Ames
I am new to your thread and have just read it all. I don't know the history with your ex or sis, so am just going on what you have written here. I would say that they are having a laugh telling you how to manage your money LOL.

Sorry that the ME clinic doesn't want to still see you. However I think that you have developed a way of working that will help you with this issue. Also (and please don't take this the wrong way), if you need to lose 7 stone (well done on losing the first bit of it) that is about 44 kg ok? Well that is like carrying my 8 year old and a bit of my 5.5 year old around with you all day and night. Believe me I am quite strong but I can only lift my 8 year old short distances now, he is just too heavy. So I would be flippin knackered too if i had to carry him around on my back all day!

So doing the trainer thing, and eating healthy, will help because endorphins are release when you exercise, and eating healthy will mean your body isn't missing any vitamins or minerals etc, and both of those will help you lose the weight, which in and of itself should make you less tired.

I know it is only a little compared with you, but I have lost nearly a stone since I have emigrated (mainly due to exercising more as I love my food too much LOL) and I have SO much more energy now, and I sleep better too as a bonus!

Really just wanted to say, all being rather long windedly, WELL DONE AND DON'T GIVE UP.
chev

Ames

Thanks Chev, you make sense. One of the things the OT at the ME clinic yesterday said was to try going for a short walk or something instead of having a nap in the early evening. She said that I tend to do a lot of brain work and doing something physical would relax me as much as a nap, since I'm getting enough sleep in the rest of my routine. So I'm going to walk around my little square. It's only about a 2 minute walk/hobble, so it's manageable and should help. I've also been doing tiny things - like parking a tiny bit further away than I need to (sometimes it's just a couple of spaces further up, sometimes it's the next street, depending on the situation). It's all tiny steps, but they add up.

Now I need to decide what to do about the whole situation. In the past, this kind of thing has led me down two thought process paths:

1. 'both sides say there's nothing wrong with me, therefore I'm fine, therefore I don't need my medication etc'. This is bad.

2. 'both sides say there's nothing wrong with me. Therefore there's nothing wrong with me, everyone has these little problems. Therefore my inability to function is me being a fucced up freak who can't pull themselves together like every one else. Therefore suicide is the only option. This is worse.

It doesn't matter that neither side are actually saying there's nothing wrong, it's how my brain warps it all. So, since for the first time I've realised the trigger and danger points, so I'm forcing myself down another path.

3. Both sides are passing the buck, hoping the other will pay for treatment. I'm ill and I need treatment - even if that's just increased meds and supervisiont o prevent either of the above situations. Therefore I need to take a cue from a terrier, and keep yapping at people until I get somewhere, even if it's just cos they want to shut me up.

So, action plan:

1. Write to the psychiatrist, so I have some input from her when the OT phones me back in a couple of weeks. Ask her if it is possible the anxiety can cause all my physical problems, even though they stay static when the anxiety is fluctuating.

2. When I get the ME clinic letter, go straight to my GP to see where we go from here.

3. Work on the list of things I want to ask the OT when she rings.

Don't worry, I'm not expecting anyone to reply, just wanted to get my thoughts down in writing to make them a bit clearer (and make sure I stick to what I need to do).

And on a totally different note, why does flatpack furniture never come with enough glue? I put a unit together tonight, I only put glue on half the things it said, using it sparingly and it still ran out half way through.

Anyway, that's enough for tonight I think!

ZTD

Ames wrote: »

Thanks Chev, you make sense. One of the things the OT at the ME clinic yesterday said was to try going for a short walk or something instead of having a nap in the early evening. She said that I tend to do a lot of brain work and doing something physical would relax me as much as a nap, since I'm getting enough sleep in the rest of my routine. So I'm going to walk around my little square. It's only about a 2 minute walk/hobble, so it's manageable and should help. I've also been doing tiny things - like parking a tiny bit further away than I need to (sometimes it's just a couple of spaces further up, sometimes it's the next street, depending on the situation). It's all tiny steps, but they add up.

Just monitor it. Properly. Alas medical professionals have a bee in their bonnet about exercise, and recommend it at all times. Along with lose weight, stop smoking, wear sunscreen, drink less - it's like Medical Tourettes...

If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. So monitor it.

Ames wrote: »

Now I need to decide what to do about the whole situation. In the past, this kind of thing has led me down two thought process paths:

1. 'both sides say there's nothing wrong with me, therefore I'm fine, therefore I don't need my medication etc'. This is bad.

Which is rather like going into a high-dependency unit and saying "Look at all those people breathing. Take them off those ventilators - they're fine..."

Ames wrote: »

2. 'both sides say there's nothing wrong with me. Therefore there's nothing wrong with me, everyone has these little problems. Therefore my inability to function is me being a fucced up freak who can't pull themselves together like every one else. Therefore suicide is the only option. This is worse.

It is indeed.

Ames wrote: »

And on a totally different note, why does flatpack furniture never come with enough glue? I put a unit together tonight, I only put glue on half the things it said, using it sparingly and it still ran out half way through.

Anyway, that's enough for tonight I think!

When it says sparingly, it means "in thickness", rather than in "area covered". So you should put a little dollop of glue on, then smear it as far and as thinly as you can.

Thick glue is weak, thin glue is strong. It should be literally a skin over the parts to be joined.

Ames

Thanks Z, as ever you're speaking sense. I will monitor everything carefully, it doesn't usually take me long to notice if something's making it worse.

As for the glue, it was in the dowel holes, I put a little bit in each. It's only going to be holding a few folders and dvd boxes for my course though, so it should hold up.

GeorgeUK

Glad to see you're still fighting Ames.

Just one part i'm not too sure of.

1. Write to the psychiatrist, so I have some input from her when the OT phones me back in a couple of weeks. Ask her if it is possible the anxiety can cause all my physical problems, even though they stay static when the anxiety is fluctuating.

It looks like alot of people here are looking for the easy way out so i'm not sure if you should be doing the psychiatrists job for her. Give her questions rather than saying "is this the answer". Just don't want to see you guessing at something that makes sense to you and they just say yes to get off the hook without a full and proper diagnosis.

Ames

Thanks George, I see what you're saying. But I think she needs to know what the physical symptoms are - I don't see how anxiety can cause incontinence and severe pain, for instance. I think she'd be more likely to say no to get off the hook - if my problems can't be caused by anxiety then it's back to some physical health doctors for an answer. But I think you're right about putting words into her mouth. So maybe instead of asking 'can anxiety cause xyz' I'll say 'I explained to the ME clinic that I have xyz symptoms. They said they can't diagnose because of my mental health complicating things, and that they feel my problems are chronic fatigue rather than cfs/me, probably due to my anxiety problems. I'd appreciate your views on this'. And then mention the problems I'm expecting with how my brain will start to twist things and how to deal with that.

Not sure though whether the non ME 'diagnosis' being made by an OT rather than a doctor is important to mention to the psychiatrist and my GP? I've nothing against OT's, I'm just not sure they're fully qualified to make diagnoses.

Ames

Sorry people, just need to have a moan, I'm having a little wobble. It's been building up for a few days, I think I might be due a visit from aunt flo. I even nearly ended up in tears when someone said something nice about me on the forums!

I've spoken to dad twice and sister once in the last few days, but haven't been able to talk to them about my problems. Their problems have been bigger than mine, but even if they didn't have anything on their plates they wouldn't help me out. They'd see it as great news that I don't have ME, and start pushing me again to get a job. They just can't see how big a deal mental illness is. I just wish I could talk to someone, that there was someone close to me to just listen, and maybe even give me a hug.

I got a nice surprise though last night - I just got on with my essay, no worries or hang ups about it, I enjoyed the work and looked forward to the debate of the essay. I was annoyed though that I couldn't use outside resources, only the stuff in the course materials. I'd deliberately asked the tutor, and she said that if I used other info then I'd miss out something important in the course materials. Fair enough, although for a third year degree course it seemed strange that independent study was effectively penalised.

Then tonight I went on the course forums, and several people have been told that it's really important to use outside material - the course is called living political ideas after all, and so modern up to date stuff is important. So I've no idea what to do now. I guess since she's marking the essays I'd better not do anything independent.

I'm going away for a couple of days with dad and sister in a couple of weeks, for her graduation. I'll have to put up with all the crap between my parents, and pretend everything's fine. So I need to put on a cheery happy face for then.

I'm going to have to go see my GP this week I think, although I don't know what she could do. Changes in meds would need to be decided with the psychologist and I'm not seeing her till December. I wont be able to talk to her properly about the ME clinic stuff because she wont have the letter from them.

Anyway, enough self pity! I need to decide what OU course to start in Feb. I was going to do a Literature course, so that I'd be doing a history degree and self funding a literature degree at the same time. But the course I'm doing now is politics (but still part of the history degree) and I'm really enjoying the debate side, and the 'realness'. So I'm thinking I might do the politics degree alongside the history degree, I can always do literature after that. As you can tell, I love studying full stop!

So, I'm going to concentrate on my studying, try and eat healthier, and not to dwell on the bad stuff.

GeorgeUK

Did you post on the forum that you had been told not to use outside sources?
Did they say who had told them that they should?

It might be worthwhile to mention this at the introduction of the essay, that you had been advised to only use the course material and therefore cover why there is no reference to outside sources.

Try not to dwell on the potential upcoming problems too much. Take it a day at a time.

Ames

I read other posts on the forum about people being advised by their tutors to use other sources. My tutor (who marks my assignments) told me not to, so I'm better off not doing. I can always read up on stuff for fun if it interests me.

I will take it a day at a time. I'm already planning things to keep my days full - tomorrow I've got to take a load of cardboard to the tip, and I've got some bits and bobs of housework to do, and a couple of forms to fill in. I'm going to try and get some fresh air too, just a little walk outside for a couple of minutes.

I'm also starting to build up to making the phonecall for a GP appointment, hopefully I'll be able to do that on Monday.

Ames

Grr, got halfway through a long post and computer turned itself off.

I got the chance to go to Sheffield today so I could get a giant piggy bank that I'd seen there before. It's for the big items I want to save my change for - currently a new TV. I think he needs a name though.

I also weighed myself, and I've put on 6lbs in the last two months. So, back to the start again. I need to be really strict with myself, obviously the odd take away or chocolate bar is a bad thing. So I'm starting a food diary again, and this time I'm putting in the calorie content of everything. Even after just two meals I've had surprises. I thought that in toasted cheese wraps the cheese would be the bad guy, but that's fairly reasonable. The wraps however are nearly 190 calories each! Not sure how much normal bread is, but I'm sure there's a better alternative somewhere. I also need to tighten up on the little slips - like diluting juice instead of just drinking loads of it pure.

I'm feeling a bit better today, mood wise, I'm knackered though so a day on the sofa reading is in order. I just wish I didn't have to fight for everything, but there's nothing I can do about it so I'll just have to get on with it.

I think I might tell dad on the phone in the next few days about the ME clinic stuff. It's better than getting all stressed about the 8 hours in a car with him and if it comes out then and causes an argument. If I tell him now then it'll have blown over by then.