Taking control of my life

Ames

Right then, time for an update, quite a bit's happened this week.

I told dad about the ME clinic stuff, he just said that since I'm stuck in the middle of everyone I need to place myself in the hands of my GP. Which is a better response than I expected. Although then I told him I'd just got a new bedding set for the duvet in the living room and he said that having one there is just lazy and I should keep active to keep warm. I think he misunderstood when I said I hadn't put the heating on yet and was just snuggling under a duvet instead - I think he thought I meant that night and that I'd been lazing about all day, when I meant this winter and I've been frugal. Also told sis about the ME clinic thing, she asked how I felt about it, but wasn't really interested so we went back to talking about her.

I tried to get a GP appointment on monday, but my usual GP's away for a couple of weeks. I then asked to see another GP, because I'd expected an appointment and hadn't ordered my repeat prescription. That wasn't a medical emergency though so I couldn't get one. Luckily I found an old script so I've got my meds for another week, which gives me time to get a repeat request in. Thinking back I should have also mentioned that I wanted to speak to someone about changing my dose and about where to go about the ME clinic, but I was flustered because of being on the phone, and I would only have spoken about those things with one of the other doctors, since the other three are useless (or in the case of one of them, inexperienced and useless - he looks about 12). So, I'll wait for the usual GP to get back, which should be around the same time as the ME clinic letter gets there, so it's probably better anyway.

I heard from the social worker, my care package has been approved and I'll be contacted by the people who organise advertising for someone, interviewing, insurance and all that side of things. so hopefully it wont be too long before it's all in place, although realistically I doubt it'll be till after xmas.

I got my OU essay back, I've got 72%, which when you apply it to the different grading schemes means a 2:1. It's the best grade I've had in a while, and especially surprising since it's a third year course in a subject I've never studied before, not even at school. So I'm just about decided to change my plans. I'm going to stick with the history degree, but for the self funded degree I want to do alongside it I'm going to switch to social sciences instead of literature. It'll be a good contrast between interpretive and analytical courses, and being a different discipline completely it'll keep my interest more I think. I don't need to decide till the middle of december though so I can make sure my mind's made up.

Bad news - I lent ex more money then let him use it in betting instead of paying me back. It's all in the gamblers thread, but I'm so annoyed with myself - for enabling him, and for letting him talk me into something again. He did it a few weeks ago too, when I ended up paying for dominos pizza for us. I really need to learn to say no to him, I'm doing it with my sister, so why am I so weak with him? I think it's because he's around and I have to tell him to his face so I wimp out. So I'm going to make this kind of thing a priority with my mental health workers - how to say no and stand up for myself. I did it with sis tonight - she phoned me complaining about how she can't afford to pay the balance that's due on a holiday, which she owes to a mutual friend. I nearly offered to pay it for her, as I don't want to see the friend out of pocket, but then realised I wouldn't get it back in time for when I need it and so kept quiet. So I'm pleased with myself for that.

Finally, today I had my meeting with the outreach MH worker. We filled in the 'star', which is 10 areas people have trouble with, graded 1-10. Most of mine were around midway, which is better than I expected. There was one 10, for responsibilities - I pay my bills on time, things like that. There were a couple of low scores though. Not surprisingly they were to do with social skills, relationships, trusting people and things. So I've got a couple of weeks to think about how to improve them, and which to focus on.

Katy83

Hi Ames,

Wow, you've been busy! Congratulations on the 2:1, that's a brilliant mark in any subject!

That's a shame about the GP, but maybe it is for the best that you wait to speak to someone who you feel more comfortable with. It can be difficult sometimes to get across what you mean with someone you are unfamiliar with. And as long as you've got enough medication to last you.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about your ex, we all make mistakes. You are doing really, really well with your sister and you will find the strength with your ex as well.

Sounds like you are making good progress with the MH outreach worker, seems like an interesting exercise. I suppose the thing to remember is that no-one is going to have high numbers in all of them. Must be quite interesting seeing which are the ones you want to work on.

I hope they get the social worker sorted out for you soon xx

Ames

Aaargh, just typed a long reply and the computer turned itself off before I finished. It's doing that more and more often now, I really think it's dying. I need to fill out the disabled students allowance form so that I can hopefully get a new one. It really rankles though - if I were a normal student I'd get a computer grant. But because I'm disabled, I have to apply for DSA, which doesn't guarantee a computer and I have to pay £15 for a doctors report! I need to bite the bullet and get it done though.

Bad news and more bad news today I'm afraid. I've put more weight on. In 2 months I ate crap and only put on 4lbs, this week I've eaten better and put on 3! So I'm nearly back where I started, although I've dropped 2 clothes sizes on bottom and one on top, and rings are looser. So, I've come up with four explanations.

1. Boots calibrate their machines on the high side so people carry on buying slimming stuff. highly unlikely.
2. Fat is turning to muscle. Even more unlikely - I'm a lot more active now, but that's not saying much.
3. It's a blip caused by aunt flo. Some of it probably, but I doubt it's the whole 3lbs.
4. I'm just fooling myself about the clothes and stuff. Most likely.

So, time for big changes. Less juice, diluted or not, more herbal tea (no milk so very low cal). Eat at meal times. Lately I've not been fancying a full meal, but that means when I get hungry later on I'm stuffing myself with toasties, or jam and toast, in huge quantities. And I'm going to start getting Graze boxes, so that I can portion control snacking better. It's not really any more expensive than fresh fruit, certainly not the punnet of berries a day I was eating, and it'll introduce more variety into my diet too.

Second lot of bad news - I tried to apply for a Halifax easy cash account, but couldn't because of my arrangements to pay with creditors. I thought basic bank accounts weren't supposed to care about that? So anyway, now I need to find another account with a visa electron so I can start selling my old books and stuff on Amazon.

Had a look round the charity shops today and got some nice kitchen storage jars at bargainous prices. So at least now I'm not going to risk getting showered in flour or semolina every time I open the cupboard! So at least something went well today.

Ames

:wall::wall::wall:

When will I learn.

Sister phoned me up at 2.30 this morning wanting me to find out for her where she stands with her new contract at work. So I posted a couple of threads on here. Got loads of advice, some from professionals in her field. She called me back, I tried to help her and pass on info. She wasn't interested. She wanted answers to her two questions (would she be able to get jobseekers if she didn't sign her new contract, and if she doesn't sign it will they have to pay her the old wage). She didn't care about long term implications or what's best for her career, she just wanted me to give her the answers she wanted to hear.

So for the third time, I've asked on here for her and it's been a complete waste of time. This time she even asked me to post! So in between dealing with the threads for her, I've spell checked and finished off a job application for her, listened to her moaning about how everything's crap and there's nothing she can do, and agreed to clear out all the stuff that's left in her flat tomorrow.

Of course, there is stuff she can do. She can do as Toto suggested and put herself out there to try and get a job. She could speak to Acas about her contract problems. But she refuses to do either of these. She's got an excuse, of course, but what it comes down to is I suggested she do something, instead of doing it for her.

I was thinking and feeling bad about being manipulated by her yet again, but then I thought about how far I've come. I'm dressing the way I want to again, doing what I want to with my spare time, and spending money on things I'm interested in. My flat's finally getting how I want it, now I have the money I had been spending on her. I just need to get used dto the subtler ways she uses me and watch out for them. Makes me sure that the stuff I decided on last week, working on family relationships, was the right decision.

If anyone wants the full sordid details, it's here:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=2064203

In mse news, I've decided that since charity shopping/car booting is becoming a hobby, I need a way to fund it. I can't buy to resell like a lot of people do, because it will affect my benefits, so I need to be more creative. I've got loads of stuff to sell so that can build up a small fund. I read between 2 and 4 books a week, so that's quite a few to sell every month, to top it up. Then there'll be savings from my normal budget. So I should be able to make a tenner a month, which is enough to go out once.

My debit card's being upgraded to a master card (debit not credit) so I'll be able to sell on Amazon, and then I'll just have to make sure I move any money into a spare account whenever it hits. So when this week's over with, I'm going to start weighing and measuring books ready to list.

I've also ordered a graze box, hopefully that'll help with the diet.

So, all in all, a few ups and one down. So not bad overall.

GeorgeUK

Hi Ames, just popped in to see how you're doing.

Everything okay at your end?

Ames

Thanks George, only just seen your reply when I came to update. I hope things are well with you?

Right, physical health wise:

Saw the immunologist last week. He's had an idea of what it could be, Whim's disorder. According to one report I read online it's extremely rare - only 40 people had been diagnosed with it in 40 years. It stands for Warts (check), Hypogammagobulinaemia (low antibodies - check), Infections (check) and something beginning with M which I can't pronounce let alone spell, but which means messed up blood count tests - check. He's going to talk to his colleagues about it at their meeting this week, and probably arrange a bone marrow test to check for it. Treatment would be the same as the thing they've been wondering about for the last 5 years (four weekly blood transfusions), so nothing's really changed. Except that I have to have a painful test. Now, I've had lots of other tests, of varying painfulness, but for some reason I'm scared of this one, madness! Although the idea's starting to sink in and I'm getting used to it. I'll just have to make sure I get some painkillers from them. Yet again though it's made me realise how useless my family are, since there's no-one I can ask to go with me, or look after me afterwards if I need it. Still, I've been in that situation before (colonoscopy, had to have it without sedative or pain relief) so I know I can cope.

Got the long awaited letter from the ME clinic. My psychiatrist is going to go mad, it keeps going on about how my elevated or low moods are causing my problems. But my current diagnosis isn't bipolar, which I made clear to them. They've exaggerated (I said I wrote 10,000 words by hand in June when I was hypomanic, they wrote 100,000), and misquoted my confused replies to their leading questions. I just wish that we could get all my specialists in a room together and thrash out the problems! (Or that House was real!).

So, once again, I'm stuck in the middle of two departments both trying to get the other to take responsibility (and the bill) for treating me.

I'm seeing my GP in the morning, so I'm going to speak to her about it all and see where we go from here. Then next week I'm seeing the psychiatrist so we'll see what she says.

My demands - some kind of therapy, either CBT or talking therapy, I don't care, I just want to thrash everything out with someone and come up with coping strategies. I'd also like an answer to all the pain I'm in, but don't think I'll get that.

My Mental Health:

All's going well with the outreach worker, we're making progress. We've talked about areas I need help with, and what I've been doing to improve things, and I've been really surprised how well I'm doing. So keeping up to that will be a great help.

I've also asked to be referred to another group, I've got the assessment coming up. It's mainly for social activities, but they're opening a day centre a few minutes from me which could be helpful.

My Care Plan:

It's been approved, and people came out today to go through everything with me, it all sounds very straightforward and a lot simpler than I expected. I'm just not sure what to do about a cleaner. I thought I might be able to employ whoever does my care for a couple of extra hours a week and pay myself. That's fine if they're registered self employed, but if not then I'll have to deal with tax, NI etc, and I don't know how hard that would be. The woman said it's straightforward, but I'm not sure I want the responsibility. On the other hand, I'd much rather have just one person coming in to do everything, than a carer and then a succession of agency people doing the cleaning. I need to look into it all a bit more I think.

Otherwise, things are going well. My Italian's coming along well, the teacher is encouraging. My OU course is going well too, although I had to ask for an extension on the essay due this weekend. I lost a lot of days over the last few weeks to sleep and got a bit behind, and I'm going away for the weekend. I should be able to get caught up easily enough, especially since I really enjoy it. I've signed up for my next course, Economics and Economic Change, starting in Feb.

I need to decide what other courses to do from next September. I'll need to Register in Jan, so need to start thinking about it now. I can do up to 16 contact hours a week, so I'm thinking:

A level Italian (assuming I pass the GCSE) - 6 hours
A level Sociology - 6 hours
Term 1 - beginners Russian - 2 hours
Term 2 - refresher French - 2 hours.
OU - about half an hour a week tops.

Since starting Italian I've really got back into my languages, I went to the German market yesterday and started remembering how to ask for stuff and order it in German, but there doesn't seem to be any refresher German courses around. I struggled with Russian when I tried to learn it at uni, but that was just the grammar, so I could do a beginners course and then get books to improve on my own, since all I want to do is be able to read my fave books in the original.

I'm also looking forward to the new year, and getting organised. I'm going to set myself various challenges, and keep track of them. I want next year to be as money neutral for presents as I can make it, so I need to get freeby-ing and comping, and I'm going to be more organised with it. I'm going to be debt free by the end of the year. I'm going to start saving up for a Masters degree when I finish my OU one. I'm going to stick to my budget, which I've been making tighter over the last few months. And I'm going to stick to my system of piggy banks so that I can get luxuries like a new TV, holidays, and little bits for the flat.

The search for a visa electron, however, goes on.... without it I can't sell on Amazon, and have to pay a fortune for holiday flights (I'd need a whole 10 £2 coins just for the privilege of paying by debit card!). I read my current bank do a basic account with one, but when I went online it turned out to be a Maestro. Halifax wouldn't let me have one because I had to declare that I'd never made arrangements to pay creditors. I'm not sure what other banks provide them, so I'm going to have to set a day aside to go into town and find out.

Buffythedebtslayer

Ames, I just have to say I think you are amazing. Really amazingxxxxxxxx

Ames

I don't know why, I just get on with it.

It's nice for someone to say that though, most people I know think I'm a useless f*ck up!

Buffythedebtslayer

Well you aren't!

pleasant dreams hon xxxx

redsquirrel80

Hi Ames, interesting stuff with the immunologist, hope he manages to get to the bottom of it. Made me really reading that you didn't have anyone to come with you for appointments though.

Your plans for next year sound exciting, I'd love to learn Russian!

Just a little heads up on the Electron card - Ryanair are starting to charge for them too (see Martin's email this week), not sure about other airlines. You will be able to use a prepaid Mastercard without charges though. I got my Electron from Halifax (their Easycash account) who I've been very impressed with so far.