"First Date" discussion - can anyone help?

minerva_windsong

brokeinwales wrote: »

I love all that too... Best present I ever had from a boyfriend (a loonnggg time ago) was a dress he found in a charity shop for £4. He saw it and knew instantly I'd love it. I think that's really quite romantic.

It sounds ridiculous to say it, but my most treasured possession is the earrings my boyfriend bought me for my 20th birthday (we'd only been going out for about three months and he'd spent most of that travelling round Europe). They were only £2 off a random market stall in Krakow or Prague or somewhere, but they're priceless in sentimental terms.

In response to the original post topic, I'd always offer to split it and then take no for an answer and pick up the tab next time.

GSXRCarlos

If i asked a girl out, i'd always expect to pay, but it's nice when they offer to split it, but i'd still pay.

I went for a meal and drinks with an old school friend (not a date in my eyes) i paid for the meal, even though she insisted. i eventually caved and took a tenner off her, which i told her i'd use to buy the drinks in the pub after, but i'd never have asked her for money, as i suggested it.

How does it work if you've already spent a number of nights (also mornings ) with a girl before going on a first date? i paid for our first date even then, and still got a bit afterwards, it was a good first date - lol

brokeinwales

How does it work if you've already spent a number of nights (also mornings ) with a girl before going on a first date? i paid for our first date even then, and still got a bit afterwards, it was a good first date - lol

Most of my "dates" have been a bit like that. (I'm not sure I'd want to go out with someone who I didn't know).

Personally I think it's good manners for the conversation to go:
Person 1 (male probably): "I'll get this"
Person 2: (reaches for bag) "oh no don't be silly I'll get it"
Person 1: "no I insist"
Person 2: "are you sure?"
Person 1: "yes"

Probably what would actually happen in this situation is that one of us would offer to pay and the other would make a joke of it "don't think you're getting anything in return..." (but obvioulsy would get something!)

Incidentally - it seems from most of the guys responses that the old chestnut about guys not liking girls who do it on the first date simply isn't true! I always knew my Mum was lying to me....

galvanizersbaby

brokeinwales wrote: »

But that's up to you - regardless of who picked up the tab. You could still not sleep with him, and if he took offence, the he's probably not worth the hassle anyway.
Yes I agree but as Woody mentioned certain men did/do seem to assume that sex was 'bolted on' if they picked up the tab

Regardless of where I stand on the "who pays?" debate (and actually I'm not sure) if a bloke assumed he get into my knickers by spending money then he's definetly someone I want nothing to do with! (turning on the charm might work, but definetly not flashing cash. There are professionals a man can go to for that kind of thing.)
Then maybe your previous issues with dating and ending up with takers have been more to do with poor judgement of character than who has paid for the first or subsequent dates
In my experience if you behave like a doormat the worst type of people will treat you like one

If a man does want to / agree to pay, it shouldn't be out of expectation of getting something back. Same goes for the woman to be honest. You should never give only in order to receive.

Of course it shouldn't but you won't be too surprised to hear that there are people out there like that

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought the "traditional" view was that the man should pay and expect nothing (And this was mainly because such customs were created at a time when men usually worked, and women often didn't.) I also find it odd that so many have referred to women wanting to be paid for as the "independent" or even feminist way - I thought it was exactly the opposite. The idea of paying equal shares is actually a traditional feminist viewpoint. The main problem I have with being paid for and/or provided for, is that it damages my independence, and possibly creates dependence or obligation.

Only if you let it

The "traditional" view of dating - that the man asks the woman, that he pays, that you don't get jiggy on the first date and blah, blah seems to me to be much more in step with American culture, where the influence of religion etc means they tend to have a more traditional view of gender roles anyway. A lot of self-help and "dating" literature comes from the States, so I don't feel as if the classic "Rules" or whatever approach is necessarily something that works in British society where I think in some ways we're a lot less formal about dating

Really? I think this is also the English culture (or was when I was dating) - some of us have religion here too and morals - though I agree 'British society' appears to have moved away from this in some circles.

(I don't think I'm unusual - I never went on a "date" as such at all until my mid-twenties yet I'd already had several relationships.)

I'm not sure whether that's unusual or not - just wondering what you would consider a date? and how your several relationships started if not with a date but none of my business

When I was dating I didn't follow any sort of rulebook over who paid for the first date (I had my own values and rules if you like re dating) but I managed without any self help books - just managed to weed out the bad ones early on - perhaps just luck/maybe I was choosy but one things for sure I'm so glad I'm not dating anymore as it sounds really complicated!

galvanizersbaby

brokeinwales wrote: »

Most of my "dates" have been a bit like that. (I'm not sure I'd want to go out with someone who I didn't know).

Personally I think it's good manners for the conversation to go:
Person 1 (male probably): "I'll get this"
Person 2: (reaches for bag) "oh no don't be silly I'll get it"
Person 1: "no I insist"
Person 2: "are you sure?"
Person 1: "yes"

Probably what would actually happen in this situation is that one of us would offer to pay and the other would make a joke of it "don't think you're getting anything in return..." (but obvioulsy would get something!)

Incidentally - it seems from most of the guys responses that the old chestnut about guys not liking girls who do it on the first date simply isn't true! I always knew my Mum was lying to me....

:rotfl:But your happy to do other things?!
and then you are worrying about good manners re who pays for your 'proper' date - I'm confused for you! :rotfl:

I think your mum was pretty spot on - I don't think it's a case of guys not liking women who put out on the first date (I'm sure they do at the time ) - it's more a respect thing - I have plenty of male friends (mainly colleagues) currently on the dating scene and when a girl puts out straight away apparently they are not considered 'girlfriend' material and then either there is no point in a 2nd date or the girl is sidelined for the occasional booty call

Guess we are all different but personally I prefer to get to know someone before entering in to this sort of relationship - at least you have a chance of a*hole detection

xmaslolly76

I have always offered to split the bill on a first date and have only been made to cough up once i still beleive there are far more gentlemen out there than we allow ourselves to believe. As for the chasing men thing well i did when i was first dating after splitting with my ex but soon learned it seemed to put men off so with the last one i gave the green light and let him do the chasing two years later we are happier than ever and expecting our first child :-)

brokeinwales

I'm not sure whether that's unusual or not - just wondering what you would consider a date? and how your several relationships started if not with a date but none of my business

Well - I guess people I've worked with, or had a shared regular hobby with, or gone out with in groups, then you end up having a bit of a fling that starts off as mainly s*x or fun or even regular heart-to-hearts - and it's only further in to the developing relationship that you actually go out in a planned kind of a way.

I've always joked that most of my relationships were "accidents" (not necessarily mistakes, but definetly something I fell into without meaning to, or really realising it).

I'm so glad I'm not dating anymore as it sounds really complicated

I'm not sure it is, most of the time. This thread probably makes it sound worse than it is because we're analysing so much. When I'm actually on a date virtually none of this stuff is actually going through my head!

and then you are worrying about good manners re who pays for your 'proper' date

I'm not really. I have a perception of how in "proper" society things ought to go - but that's not necessarily what I'd expect, or even want from real life.

think your mum was pretty spot on - I don't think it's a case of guys not liking women who put out on the first date (I'm sure they do at the time ) - it's more a respect thing - I have plenty of male friends (mainly colleagues) currently on the dating scene and when a girl puts out straight away apparently they are not considered 'girlfriend' material and then either there is no point in a 2nd date or the girl is sidelined for the occasional booty call

Guess we are all different but personally I prefer to get to know someone before entering in to this sort of relationship - at least you have a chance of a*hole detection

It's weird because I've never really been on the look out for a long term relationship before. (I'm not sure I am now TBH). The idea that "guys don't settle down with girls that put out too early" was: a) irrelevant because I didn't want to settle down anyway, and b) according to all available evidence - not true.

I actually don't really believe there are that many rules you can apply to this kind of thing, because as you say, we're all different. It's silly to have a kind of "men think like this" approach.

But you know, somehow, however much my better nature tells me to just be myself and let everything flow naturally - there's part of me yelling that that's never got me anywhere and someone needs to tell me what to do!

galvanizersbaby

brokeinwales wrote: »

It's weird because I've never really been on the look out for a long term relationship before. (I'm not sure I am now TBH). The idea that "guys don't settle down with girls that put out too early" was: a) irrelevant because I didn't want to settle down anyway, and b) according to all available evidence - not true.

I actually don't really believe there are that many rules you can apply to this kind of thing, because as you say, we're all different. It's silly to have a kind of "men think like this" approach.

But you know, somehow, however much my better nature tells me to just be myself and let everything flow naturally - there's part of me yelling that that's never got me anywhere and someone needs to tell me what to do![/QUOTE]

Where is it you want to get to?

I'm not sure I've ever looked for a long term relationship either - relationships have just developed in to one or not as the case may be

I would try not to let your past bad experiences cloud any current/future relationships - as you say everyone is different - just trust your inner self and don't let people treat you badly financially or otherwise - you sound kind don't let people take advantage

Good luck with your latest dating experience

Pssst

Only read the first page...I am afriad i cannot agree with finance Girl.

I am as much the gentleman and as gallant as the next guy but where is it written that men pay just to be in the company of a lady?

I am all for equal relationships and i think that a rough fifty/fifty split is perfectly ok. I dont mean that I'll get my purse out and count it to the last penny like Rigsby.

If the bill was £30 i might chuck £20 down. It depends on circumstances. If i knew the girl was in a low paid job or had overheads that particular week, i might treat her and pay the lot or pay most of it.

I think a girl should pay her way and retain her independance.

there is no way i would want to go out with a girl who expected me to pay all the time. It just wouldnt happen. I'm not that hard up for company.

xmaslolly76

Psst do you not think you should pay for even the first date if you have asked her out??

As i said above i always offered to go halves but i do think its a bit cheap for the guy who asked not to pay for the first date. Subsequent dates then yes 50/50 is more than fair :-)