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"First Date" discussion - can anyone help?
Comments
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brokeinwales wrote: »You're actually talking a lot of sense Gavin.
Thank you.
I do believe that relationships should be about equality, financially and in other ways. If either partner starts being too generous in certain areas, either paying for things, doing all the cleaning, maintaining all the contact, etc then the other may come to expect this and not put in their share of the effort. I can accept that some partners may be better equipped to do certain tasks but you should be willing to do something back in return.
I do think once you get in a certain routine it's very hard to break, it's harder to change your ways when you've been doing it a while and know that you can just expect someone else to take responsibility. To avoid this it's probably best to set up equal grounds in a new relationship from the start.brokeinwales wrote: »I've always wondered, if you subscribe to "The man always pays" how long do you carry that on for? I once read an American self-help book that said even when you're married with kids the man should always pick up the tab - which sounds kind of pointless.
I guess my personal approach on this is "Well I've tried one way, and that hasn't worked out, lets see how experimenting with something else goes..."
I don't actually think these self help books are healthy at all. While I agree with women being independant and being able to stand up for themselves, it seems these books take it to the extreme and the women basically become the very thing they're trying to stand up against. A woman who expects me to put in all the effort and give none back in return is a major turn off in my eyes.0 -
Hello
I just KNEW you would wade into this debate - just knew it...:rolleyes:Quick question. If the woman asks the man out do you still feel the man should pay?
Yes, I do actually, but I'd never ask a guy out, never ever needed too, if they want, they come and get it ( so to speak!!! LOL)) :rotfl:0 -
financegirl wrote: »0
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financegirl wrote: »Also why are you a gold digger if a guy asks you out to the local pizza place and you don't pay. HE'S ASKED YOU!!! Why should you pay - I compare it to buying a friend a b'day present and asking her to pay for half of it - very rude!!!financegirl wrote: »
Do these two posts not contradict each other somewhat?
Anyway, what about my other post? I think that deserves a reply.
galvanizersbaby wrote: »
Aye, me too. I keep her on her toes...0 -
My own view is that the man pays entirely for the 1st three dates, after that its up to discussion.0
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I don't actually think these self help books are healthy at all.
I think they need to be taken with a pinch of salt. A lot of people take them as their bible, and that's not healthy. But I think an open-minded "well lets have a look whether this has anything useful to say and maybe give some of the ideas a shot." approach isn't so bad. A lot of them do annoy me, particularly the ones that have over-generalised ideas about male/female behaviour(which I find a bit insulting, and I'm sure men do too), but some do have some interesting stories that can put a different perspective on a problem.
So much of this seems to depend on the personalities involved. Some guys are thouroughly turned on by a girl who takes initiative and asks them out. Some would run a mile... but I guess that doesn't matter because if you're the kind of girl who'll ask a man out then you probably wouldn't want to date the kind of man that would run a mile anyway. Same with the paying-for-dates thing.
To be honest, for me this is more of a guilt issue than anything else - I feel bad letting anyone spend money on me. I think a lot of people do.
Whilst I think a lot, if not most, men are more than willing to pay for their girlfriend near the start of the relationship, I find it hard to believe that any would actually be put off from continuing the relationship if she offered!
I also think, maybe my personal habit of attracting dependent child-men probably goes a bit deeper than who gets the beers in... but that's a bit deep for a Tuesday lunch time!
Ultimetely, I guess the main worry is one of etiquette. Is there a point when paying/ not paying/ offering to pay etc is just plain rude?0 -
What i discovered in the 'dating days' gone by is that if i picked up the whole tab, it was almost bolted on that i would get a bit
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What i discovered in the 'dating days' gone by is that if i picked up the whole tab, it was almost bolted on that i would get a bit
Well there is always that...
But you know, you go on a date with a guy, you kind of assume (well, hope, actually...) that he's going to expect it at some point!0 -
brokeinwales wrote: »Well there is always that...
But you know, you go on a date with a guy, you kind of assume (well, hope, actually...) that he's going to expect it at some point![/QUOTE]
For me though - not on a first date
Woody01 you must be from the same dating era as myself as a fair few of the guys I dated made the same assumption unless things haven't changed as much as the self-help parade would have us believe0 -
For me though - not on a first date
But that's up to you - regardless of who picked up the tab. You could still not sleep with him, and if he took offence, the he's probably not worth the hassle anyway.
Regardless of where I stand on the "who pays?" debate (and actually I'm not sure) if a bloke assumed he get into my knickers by spending money then he's definetly someone I want nothing to do with! (turning on the charm might work, but definetly not flashing cash. There are professionals a man can go to for that kind of thing.)
If a man does want to / agree to pay, it shouldn't be out of expectation of getting something back. Same goes for the woman to be honest. You should never give only in order to receive.
Woody01 you must be from the same dating era as myself as a fair few of the guys I dated made the same assumption unless things haven't changed as much as the self-help parade would have us believe
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought the "traditional" view was that the man should pay and expect nothing (And this was mainly because such customs were created at a time when men usually worked, and women often didn't.) I also find it odd that so many have referred to women wanting to be paid for as the "independent" or even feminist way - I thought it was exactly the opposite. The idea of paying equal shares is actually a traditional feminist viewpoint. The main problem I have with being paid for and/or provided for, is that it damages my independence, and possibly creates dependence or obligation.
The "traditional" view of dating - that the man asks the woman, that he pays, that you don't get jiggy on the first date and blah, blah seems to me to be much more in step with American culture, where the influence of religion etc means they tend to have a more traditional view of gender roles anyway. A lot of self-help and "dating" literature comes from the States, so I don't feel as if the classic "Rules" or whatever approach is necessarily something that works in British society where I think in some ways we're a lot less formal about dating
(I don't think I'm unusual - I never went on a "date" as such at all until my mid-twenties yet I'd already had several relationships.)0
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