It's all over, can't cope anymore

dreamcatcher73

shell_girl wrote: »

Do you WANT yur ex back? Your post is very weighed towards whether HE still would want you.

I know £900 feels like a huge amount now but I promise there is a way to fix this. Forgive me if I'm reading things into your post that aren't there, but it sounds to me as if you feel that you're not 'worth' the £900 of debt to your ex. What were the circumstances of him leaving if you don't mind me asking?

Reading your post has made me question whether I do or not...

We split up mainly because I couldn't take his attitude anymore. We both worked fulltime, yet I was the one doing everything around the house etc, same old story I guess. I did talk to him many times about this but nothing changed, in the end I just wanted him out. Things would be different if he came back, as I wouldn't be working, he has already said he would pay all the bills etc..
Maybe I just want him back to feel more financially secure? Maybe it's because I am old and no-one would want me, maybe I do love him and feel we have a future together?
To be honest I think until I sort myself out, I wont really know the true answer to that question

zippychick

Buddingblonde summed it up much better and quicker than i did. Sorry, making potato bread inbetween posts.

Do you feel a slight relief now you have at least unloaded and accepted the issue? I hope so chick. Its the first step

mdhughes03

Hello nothing really to add to the advice that others have given but just wanted to say that you are right about the post office account. Ring up the benefit enquirynumber and ask them to arrange for you to go into the jobcentre and get a Post office Invitation DOcument. Take some ID with you and Bob's your uncle-Benefits paid into a non-overdrawn account.One hurdle overcome

You can do it xxx

dreamcatcher73

zippychick wrote: »

I'm not sure how good I am at advice but didn't want to read and run. Hugs you poor thing.

Ok, well done for biting the bullet and asking for help. You obviously have known this is an issue for a while and now things have got on top of you.

1) It could be an awful awful lot worse. £900 while it is a lot, at least it isn't thousands.

2) What is your roof over head situation? Any arrears? That would be ( i guess) your first priority with the kids etc too

3) If i were you, i would write a list of what needs paid and what takes priority. Tonight you could do the background work and get all your contact numbers etc for each place so you are ready for action tomorrow to call and see what can be done

4) Can you open a savings account to get your benefits paid into?

5) Are there any free advice centres etc you could contact? Citizens advice etc? Any charirties? Im in the middle of cooking so I can see what else i can find once this is done

6) I know it seems like the end of the world but honestly pet, it really isn't. You have lovely kids, and you could be in a much much worse situation. I know that is no help now but once you are out of this panic oh carp stage, you will realise how much worse things could have been

7) Be kind to yourself. Theres obviously a lot more going on than we know - and im sure your gambling etc is for an emotional reason.

8) Have u got a friend who could come and keep you company tonight? Even just to be in the same room? You dont have to talk , just having support there is nice . If not, you can always ring the Samartians. I know it's not perfect solution but maybe unloading it all verbally would lift a lot of weight? They also may have better advice to offer, and names of organisations etc that can help u

Sorry that possibly isn;t much help, i did say i wasn't very good at advice.

Regards your ex, I am not sure what to say. Concentrate on you for tonight. Maybe run a bath, glass of wine? Cup of tea? Do something nice for yourself and try to clear your head a bit. xxxxx

Thank you for this, brought tears to my eyes reading it...

Luckily no arrears in rent, council tax etc

Money owed is as follows:

£140 to the bank (this scares me)
£200 to my mum (she is understanding and I can pay her back when I can)
£140 to my sister (ditto as above,want to pay her asap though)
£400 social fund (taken weekly from benefits)

Writing that down, it suddenly doesn't seem bad at all.. It's just the bank I need to worry about, what do you think they will do? I don't know how quickly I'll be able to pay them back.

Yes, you're right about the gambling being an emotional issue. When I was with my ex I gambled because I was lonely, I guess the same can be said now, too much time on my hands and no bloody sense.
I DO want to change, I will not gamble again, it's senseless

Going to make a cup of tea and a list of my i&e

Thank you everyone for your advice so far, I appreciate all the comments and suggestions

flossy_splodge

dreamcatcher73 wrote: »

Reading your post has made me question whether I do or not...

We split up mainly because I couldn't take his attitude anymore. We both worked fulltime, yet I was the one doing everything around the house etc, same old story I guess. I did talk to him many times about this but nothing changed, in the end I just wanted him out. Things would be different if he came back, as I wouldn't be working, he has already said he would pay all the bills etc..
Maybe I just want him back to feel more financially secure? Maybe it's because I am old and no-one would want me, maybe I do love him and feel we have a future together?
To be honest I think until I sort myself out, I wont really know the true answer to that question

Ah, you're being very insightful about yourself -well done, that takes some doing!
Do you know that Relate will talk to you about anything to do with a relationship, not just Marriage and not just about getting back together or not.
They are trained to help you consider what is best for you and what your motivation is.
They have a sliding scale of charges inclyuding bursaries for those with no money.
Try them?:o

dreamcatcher73

flossy_splodge wrote: »

Ah, you're being very insightful about yourself -well done, that takes some doing!
Do you know that Relate will talk to you about anything to do with a relationship, not just Marriage and not just about getting back together or not.
They are trained to help you consider what is best for you and what your motivation is.
They have a sliding scale of charges inclyuding bursaries for those with no money.
Try them?:o

No I didn't know that, thank you. I will try to contact them tomorrow

MrsE_2

Mozette wrote: »

Get your ex over and tell him. If he's up to much he'll support you; if not, at least you know where you stand.

Great idea.

If he supports you, hes worth trying again with.

If he doesn't want to know, well you found out now he's not worth wasting your time on, its a win win.

When you are really down, the only way is up.

If you had a crystal ball & could see your future, I bet you wouldn't be able to imagine how you get where you are going. But life it like that, things will change.

MrsE_2

dreamcatcher73 wrote: »

I know he would run a mile because of the gambling and the lack of trust, I have hidden it up til now and I guess I was hoping to sort myself out and no-one would be any the wiser..

I am getting all the money I am entitled to but just wasting it, like an idiot. I am trying to sort myself out, I am actually glad my bank account will be closed as it will stop me wasting money. I want to change and move my life on, I am sick of living like this.

Debt wise, I guess it's not a fortune, about £900 altogether, but right now it seems like a mountain. What will the bank do? I know they will close the account, but how long will I have to pay them back? I'm so worried, don't know how I'm going to pay the bills that are by direct debit without a bank account.

I feel sick

I'm not going to trivialise it, but £900 really is nothing.

There are bank accounts for people with bad credit, Barclays Cash Builder I think?

dreamcatcher73

MrsE wrote: »

Great idea.

If he supports you, hes worth trying again with.

If he doesn't want to know, well you found out now he's not worth wasting your time on, its a win win.

When you are really down, the only way is up.

If you had a crystal ball & could see your future, I bet you wouldn't be able to imagine how you get where you are going. But life it like that, things will change.

I do agree with you her and with everyone else that has said the same thing. To be honest I'm not sure he really wants to be with me, for me, IYKWIM. We have a daughter, his only child, I think she's the reason he wants to try again. I have said this to him, but he says it isn't true, but on the other hand, I have told him that I love him and he hasn't replied.... what does that say?

Don't get me wrong, he does support me financially in the sense he buys things for the house and pays for things I can't afford, I just feel so insecure with it all. If he comes back and takes over the finances what does that leave me with?

I hate feeling out of control

dreamcatcher73

MrsE wrote: »

I'm not going to trivialise it, but £900 really is nothing.

There are bank accounts for people with bad credit, Barclays Cash Builder I think?

I had one of these accounts as I am BR, I won't get another but that doesn't bother me. I think I would rather deal with cash, then I can see it physically disappearing and it might make me more conscious of spending too much.

I want to be back on here in 6 months debt free with some savings under the mattress and in control of my life again