It's all over, can't cope anymore

LilacPixie

Seriously if the guy will walk then he is not worth trying again with.

dreamcatcher73

LilacPixie wrote: »

Seriously if the guy will walk then he is not worth trying again with.

I know what you mean, but it's not that simple. I need to be clearer. I was gambling a bit when we was together, it wasn't why we split up, but was part of it. It was under control then, I had a job and I could afford it sort of.. When I lost my job, everything went wrong, I couldn't afford my debts anymore and he strongly believed they were my debts therefore I should pay for them, which I can understand.

Neither of us were perfect, we made mistakes, but now I can't seem to stop making them. I know if I want my husband back I need to sort myself out, but I can't seem to do it, I don't know what's wrong with my head. I tell myself if I carry on like this I will lose everything, but I don't seem to care and I don't know why

I don't know what to do next to start sorting out this mess

Poppy9

dreamcatcher73 wrote: »

I really wanted to turn my life around after the bankruptcy I thought it would be a new start, it's just got worse..

So you went through bankruptcy as a couple? Was this due to your gambling debts?

Have you sought any help for your gambling addiction?

bluebell13

I'm no good at links but use one of the on-line search engines to look for GamAnon. They have lots of advice and support because it sounds as though you are addicted to the gambling and believe me it will only get worse if you dont take steps to stop it. If you genuinely want to stop then they can help.

I'm afraid I would love to offer support but I can't because mine and my childrens life is currently being wrecked by a partner who has run up debts and puts his need to gamble above everything else. If you do want to get back with your ex please be honest with him about the situation. In this case honesty is paramount and then with his support you may be able to turn things around. I wish you luck.

dreamcatcher73

Poppy9 wrote: »

So you went through bankruptcy as a couple? Was this due to your gambling debts?

Have you sought any help for your gambling addiction?

No I went bankrupt on my own, not because of the gambling, because I lost my job and he left at about the same time, a few months later I had to go BR as I had no way of paying my debts

I have sought help before, I have now banned any sort of gambling on my pc, so I can't do it again, but it's like shutting the stable door etc. I need to focus my head around the problems I have now and get myself sorted once and for all. I don't want to live like this anymore, I want a good future for me and my kids

Buddingblonde

First things first

1. Tomorrow open another basic bank account and get your benefits paid into it. Leave your old account to be dealt with at a later stage - dont let any more money be paid into it.

2. Draw up a financial statement or a statement of affairs and work out what you have coming in and going out - this way you will see what you can afford to pay to your debts.

3. Find a friend, family member etc that you can confess all to - you need a real life confidant that will help you focus and keep you on the straight and narrow while you find your feet. Swallow that pride and confess all - a problem shared and all that jazz.

Once you have done those things you can start making baby steps towards sorting all this out

Ax

shell_girl

Do you WANT yur ex back? Your post is very weighed towards whether HE still would want you.

I know £900 feels like a huge amount now but I promise there is a way to fix this. Forgive me if I'm reading things into your post that aren't there, but it sounds to me as if you feel that you're not 'worth' the £900 of debt to your ex. What were the circumstances of him leaving if you don't mind me asking?

dreamcatcher73

Buddingblonde wrote: »

First things first

1. Tomorrow open another basic bank account and get your benefits paid into it. Leave your old account to be dealt with at a later stage - dont let any more money be paid into it.

2. Draw up a financial statement or a statement of affairs and work out what you have coming in and going out - this way you will see what you can afford to pay to your debts.

3. Find a friend, family member etc that you can confess all to - you need a real life confidant that will help you focus and keep you on the straight and narrow while you find your feet. Swallow that pride and confess all - a problem shared and all that jazz.

Once you have done those things you can start making baby steps towards sorting all this out

Ax

Thank you for this I need someone to help me focus on the practical right now and tell me what I need to do

I can't open another account, as a BR I was lucky to get the one I had, screwed that up royally! I believe I can get a PO account for my benefits, I will phone tomorrow and stop all further payments into the bank.

I need to do a SOA, I shall do this tomorrow, when I have a clear head. I'm sure things aren't as bad as I think they are, I am just so angry with myself for messing up my life again, when I was giving a chance to move on. I probably don't deserve another chance, but I do hope I get one.

I am really at my wits end with myself, I wish someone would come along and hit me over the head, then maybe I'd see sense and realise how lucky I am to have what I have. I just don't understand why I am trying to mess it all up and throw everything away. Why don't I want myself to be happy?

flossy_splodge

dreamcatcher73 wrote: »

I know what you mean, but it's not that simple. I need to be clearer. I was gambling a bit when we was together, it wasn't why we split up, but was part of it. It was under control then, I had a job and I could afford it sort of.. When I lost my job, everything went wrong, I couldn't afford my debts anymore and he strongly believed they were my debts therefore I should pay for them, which I can understand.

Neither of us were perfect, we made mistakes, but now I can't seem to stop making them. I know if I want my husband back I need to sort myself out, but I can't seem to do it, I don't know what's wrong with my head. I tell myself if I carry on like this I will lose everything, but I don't seem to care and I don't know why

I don't know what to do next to start sorting out this mess

Do you accept that getting help is a good way to go?
if you've tried to get yourself sorted and have found that too difficult, then how about seeing if a professional can offer support and guidance (depends who you go to as to whether they will just listen or can offer help).
The catch 22 is good help often costs money!
However there are a number of debt support organisations who will have heard it all before and definitely CAN help.
The key seems to be, do you really want to change or can't you be bothered?
Real change demands hard work, continued effort and a willingness to listen and take some hard steps.
Just one example.
You say you used to gamble before but as you were working you could afford it.
It sounds very much like you have a gambling problem.
There is NO 'I can handle it'. It has to stop, finish, cease, be banned from your life. No kidding yourself it's 'just a one off' or 'I can control it' etc.
And there are organisations to help.
So I guess it's up to you.
If you're serious, you'll draw a line under ALL gambling, get help and start to put your self on a new road.
If you're not really motivated, we'll all still support you in your down moments but what a waste of your life not to harden your resolve to improve how you're living.
I hope you can find the strength and that your ex has the compassion, love and understanding to help you.
Good Luck.

zippychick

I'm not sure how good I am at advice but didn't want to read and run. Hugs you poor thing.

Ok, well done for biting the bullet and asking for help. You obviously have known this is an issue for a while and now things have got on top of you.

1) It could be an awful awful lot worse. £900 while it is a lot, at least it isn't thousands.

2) What is your roof over head situation? Any arrears? That would be ( i guess) your first priority with the kids etc too

3) If i were you, i would write a list of what needs paid and what takes priority. Tonight you could do the background work and get all your contact numbers etc for each place so you are ready for action tomorrow to call and see what can be done

4) Can you open a savings account to get your benefits paid into?

5) Are there any free advice centres etc you could contact? Citizens advice etc? Any charirties? Im in the middle of cooking so I can see what else i can find once this is done

6) I know it seems like the end of the world but honestly pet, it really isn't. You have lovely kids, and you could be in a much much worse situation. I know that is no help now but once you are out of this panic oh carp stage, you will realise how much worse things could have been

7) Be kind to yourself. Theres obviously a lot more going on than we know - and im sure your gambling etc is for an emotional reason.

8) Have u got a friend who could come and keep you company tonight? Even just to be in the same room? You dont have to talk , just having support there is nice . If not, you can always ring the Samartians. I know it's not perfect solution but maybe unloading it all verbally would lift a lot of weight? They also may have better advice to offer, and names of organisations etc that can help u

Sorry that possibly isn;t much help, i did say i wasn't very good at advice.

Regards your ex, I am not sure what to say. Concentrate on you for tonight. Maybe run a bath, glass of wine? Cup of tea? Do something nice for yourself and try to clear your head a bit. xxxxx