MSE Parents Club Part 4

ManOnTheMoon

MrsTine wrote: »

All parents are welcome, mums & dads with children of any age. We're also happy to help people who just have questions about kids, even if you don't have any yet.

Hello all, i'm going to be brave and post

I am a single father of 7 daughters from 2 relationships (first mother 2 girls, second 5 girls) Girls ages, 16, 14, 13, 11, 10 and twins aged 8. Both mothers walked out on us to seek fame and fortune amongst other things and as far as I am aware, neither have. Neither keep in touch with the kids.

I have help from a couple of female friends and my sister in law. I manage on my own in the main, but sometimes need help, or I am offered it. I do feel ashamed when I need to ask or accept any help. I feel it's my responsibility to cope on my own.

Since my last partner left, nearly 3 years ago, I have become far more withdrawn. I don't remember the last time I went out on my own without at least one of the kids. Even when they are at school, I stay at home and do housework and a part time job from home, which is supplemented by child benefit (awaits being cyberly castrated for being a sponger :rolleyes: )

Now, this is partially as I have lost all confidence and feel agoraphobic, anxious and have panic attacks, and the fact my eldest two, particularly the eldest, want me in as little situations as possible where I can meet people. Those two have lost two people they considered 'mothers' and don't want any more and don't want me being hurt again. They are very overprotective of me.

It's not like i've not been offered to go out. The previously mentioned friends and sister in law, as well as my brother have offered to go out with me, shopping, for a drink etc etc, but either I refuse out of guilt at upsetting my girls, or they refuse for me saying i'm happy as things are. Now I am, I love being with my girls, they are my life and I would never leave them voluntarily. They think I may go and never come back like the 2 mothers and/or meet someone. The eldest, who has just done her GCSE's, from the day her 2nd mother left, phoned me every lunchtime on her mobile from school, which was an improvement on her initial every break time, bot to check I was home necessarily, although she always asked what I had been doing, but to make sure I was okay.

So, my 2 current issues that I can't talk about to anyone...

1. If I ever wanted to meet anyone, I wouldn't be allowed as I would upset my girls, particularly the eldest two. I have absolutely no intention on doing so at the moment, i'm enjoying being a father, I love having them around and the holidays are great as we do so much together within our tiny budget (It's amazing how much you can do for free!) Anytime a female under say.....50, says anything to me, the eldest two are right there, protecting me and themselves, telling the woman how i'm happy as I am etc....even if the woman is just commenting on the Jonas Brothers books i'm buying for the girls or something. They see that as me being chatted up and someone trying to wriggle their way in

2. The eldest finished school this year and wants to go to college, but has said she won't as she wants to stay at home and help me around the house, help with her sisters and all the other things that most mothers do, but she's 16 and I want her to enjoy herself! She has friends that come around, she rarely goes out with them though. She is a popular girl. She's a pretty girl which she inherited from her mother (but fortunately didn't inherit her laziness, self centred attitude or general personality) and an intelligent one at that (I have no idea where she inherited that!)

How the heck do I convince her to go to college, even if it's part time? I'd love to have her home, but i'd love her to go out, enjoy herself and go to college and just be......young!

There is nothing I cannot talk about to my girls. I'm always honest and open with them, but they are the two things I am struggling with the most.

There is so much more, but I have said too much already I'll probably regret posting tonight and come back and hope no-one has noticed

BrunoM

ManOnTheMoon wrote: »

Hello all, i'm going to be brave and post

I am a single father of 7 daughters from 2 relationships (first mother 2 girls, second 5 girls) Girls ages, 16, 14, 13, 11, 10 and twins aged 8. Both mothers walked out on us to seek fame and fortune amongst other things and as far as I am aware, neither have. Neither keep in touch with the kids.
Now, this is partially as I have lost all confidence and feel agoraphobic, anxious and have panic attacks, and the fact my eldest two, particularly the eldest, want me in as little situations as possible where I can meet people. Those two have lost two people they considered 'mothers' and don't want any more and don't want me being hurt again. They are very overprotective of me.

Wow. I don't immediately have much constructive to say, MotM, but
you are very welcome posting here!
and
Anyone who is coping with single fatherhood for 7 girls between 8 and 16, is doing incredibly. If you want something to boost your confidence, just look at what you are doing and dealing with every single day. Most parents find parenthood hard enough with a partner and only a few kids! You should be very proud of your successes with your family to date.

Hopefully someone wiser will be along soon to help more generally.

ManOnTheMoon

BrunoM wrote: »

Wow. I don't immediately have much constructive to say, MotM, but
you are very welcome posting here!
and
Anyone who is coping with single fatherhood for 7 girls between 8 and 16, is doing incredibly. If you want something to boost your confidence, just look at what you are doing and dealing with every single day. Most parents find parenthood hard enough with a partner and only a few kids! You should be very proud of your successes with your family to date.

Hopefully someone wiser will be along soon to help more generally.

Thank you Bruno.

I think i'm lucky rather than doing well. I just hope at the end of each day, i've done more right than wrong, and if I lay my head on my pillow knowing they are safely in bed and content, i've done okay.

weezl74

Hello Man on the moon,

Like bruno, I am filled with admiration for you

I hope the girls will feel ok about you having us lot as cyber-friends, is there a way you can reassure them in case the internet becomes a source of concern for the older 2? ie if they fear you are on here to meet someone, they might get a bit cagey about you posting? Just a thought!

So just to summarise, the older ones particularly are concerned about you meeting someone because if you do, and they allow her into a 'mum space' in their hearts, then they will be distraught if she leaves.


Hmmmmn, tricky. Have you thought about asking them what they think you should do, kinda like: 'I know you don't want me to be lonely, and I don't want you to get hurt by another mum figure..... any ideas of a way forward that works for us both?'


What advice do you think they might give? Sometimes I think people (even teenage girls!) can come up with very creative solutions to family problems...

I'm sorry about the agoraphobia, low confidence and panic. Is that something you feel able to talk to anyone about? Are you in a good relationship with your GP? I know it's hard to ask for help with that sort of thing, because you want people to know how well you are coping, AND YOU ARE! I just think a bit of additional support might help.

One last thought before I butt out.

I once worked with a chap in a similar situation. He came to realise that part of his low confidence was linked to how much he loved his girls, and how much they reminded him of his ex. Them being the apple of his eye, he then found it hard to blame his ex completely for what happened, and inwardly concluded, it must have been me.

Realising this seemed to help him to move on a bit. That might be nothing like what you feel though, so please do ignore if it doesn't fit!

I really hope we can be a source of support to you on here. A lot are dealing with new babies, but quite a few are parents of older children, and we have a mum of 5 and a mum of 6 on here, so you're in good company.;)

Love Weezl x

searching_me

motm i thnk you're doing great i strungle and i only have 2 kids and theres two parents your doing great really .... and as for going college just remind her that she'd onky resent not going and maybe try it on a trail bases once she's in it im sure she wont wanna leave x

[Deleted User]

Hi just popping in quickly and not read posts as i must have missed 100's by now. Just looking for some advice on toddlers regressing on potty training. Until a week or so jack was doing wee's and poo's in either the potty or toilet without much problem. Molly has also decided to join in and will now do her wee's and poo's in the potty, obviously wanting to be like Jack, as she copies him in everything else he does. Jack has now regressed and although he will still wee appropriately he refuses to do a poo unless i put a nappy on. At first i refused and insisted on the potty but then he started holding it in and just wouldn't go, despite hopping around the lounge clearly uncomfortable. This morning i did put a nappy on him and immediately he did one, i had constipation issues as a child and i don't want my children to suffer like i did. Currently i'm not making a big deal of it and praising him for wee's etc and ignoring poo's in nappy, but can anyone else suggest anything to help. Special sweets and star charts haven't worked, being cross and explaining he's a big boy hasn't worked.

I know its a common problem, shall i just wait until he decides for himself to suddenly not need a nappy anymore? I thought when Molly used the potty it would inspire him to do it to, not wanting his little sis to be better etc, but its made him worse. There is no competition in this house for potty training, its just I have one that wasn't bothered and is going to be late and one that thinks her brother is god and wants to be just like him, so will be very early.

Krystaltips

weezl74 wrote: »

Awwww! Just as I was having 'apprentice' style delusions!

for £20 a week, seems a no-brainer to me elle, makes packing loads easier too, and with being able to hire travel cot and highchair, also opens options of where you can stay- ie some places don't offer those things...

I quite like the idea of using it as a try before you buy experiment too....

There's something similar in Jersey, we hired car seats and travel cots while we were there to save on the weight restriction on the plane.

Becles wrote: »

I've got a Chicco Winter London Stroller. It lies back flat and came with cosytoes, raincover and hood.
http://www.kiddicare.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/productdisplayA_342+105_10751_-1_14052_76114_10001_14052?cm_sp=product_lister_page-_-endeca_promotions-_-banner_product

It's been well used since Charlotte was little and it's been to Turkey twice and it's still in reasonable condition.

That's the one I had for Aimee, it went to Tunisia 3 times and Jersey, was used almost daily for 2 years... I have no real complaints, it served us well... I'm not keen on the sponge handlebars though, they slipped down eventually and looked untidy... They also got a bit ripped being thrown in the hold of the plane...

Incidentally, who was it that was worried about having a pushchair put in the hold of the plane? You don't have to check it in with your baggage, when you check in the lady gives you a sticker for your buggy and then you keep it with you and wheel it to the gate.. Or in the case of our Jersey flight, to the steps of the plane. Once you get to the other end you have to wait for it to come round the baggage carousel, or again, in the case of the Jersey flight it was waiting next to the steps when we came down.

ManOnTheMoon, I think you're doing an amazing job with all those girls! I struggled with 1 mouthy girl when I was alone, and it's hard enough now there's 2 of us and she's mouthier! Do you think your eldest might have some confidence issues? Maybe some councelling would help her with her worries of abandonment?

And don't worry about posting, we're all friends here

sparkle03

ManOnTheMoon wrote: »

Hello all, i'm going to be brave and post

I am a single father of 7 daughters from 2 relationships (first mother 2 girls, second 5 girls) Girls ages, 16, 14, 13, 11, 10 and twins aged 8. Both mothers walked out on us to seek fame and fortune amongst other things and as far as I am aware, neither have. Neither keep in touch with the kids.

I have help from a couple of female friends and my sister in law. I manage on my own in the main, but sometimes need help, or I am offered it. I do feel ashamed when I need to ask or accept any help. I feel it's my responsibility to cope on my own.

Since my last partner left, nearly 3 years ago, I have become far more withdrawn. I don't remember the last time I went out on my own without at least one of the kids. Even when they are at school, I stay at home and do housework and a part time job from home, which is supplemented by child benefit (awaits being cyberly castrated for being a sponger :rolleyes: )

Now, this is partially as I have lost all confidence and feel agoraphobic, anxious and have panic attacks, and the fact my eldest two, particularly the eldest, want me in as little situations as possible where I can meet people. Those two have lost two people they considered 'mothers' and don't want any more and don't want me being hurt again. They are very overprotective of me.

It's not like i've not been offered to go out. The previously mentioned friends and sister in law, as well as my brother have offered to go out with me, shopping, for a drink etc etc, but either I refuse out of guilt at upsetting my girls, or they refuse for me saying i'm happy as things are. Now I am, I love being with my girls, they are my life and I would never leave them voluntarily. They think I may go and never come back like the 2 mothers and/or meet someone. The eldest, who has just done her GCSE's, from the day her 2nd mother left, phoned me every lunchtime on her mobile from school, which was an improvement on her initial every break time, bot to check I was home necessarily, although she always asked what I had been doing, but to make sure I was okay.

So, my 2 current issues that I can't talk about to anyone...

1. If I ever wanted to meet anyone, I wouldn't be allowed as I would upset my girls, particularly the eldest two. I have absolutely no intention on doing so at the moment, i'm enjoying being a father, I love having them around and the holidays are great as we do so much together within our tiny budget (It's amazing how much you can do for free!) Anytime a female under say.....50, says anything to me, the eldest two are right there, protecting me and themselves, telling the woman how i'm happy as I am etc....even if the woman is just commenting on the Jonas Brothers books i'm buying for the girls or something. They see that as me being chatted up and someone trying to wriggle their way in

2. The eldest finished school this year and wants to go to college, but has said she won't as she wants to stay at home and help me around the house, help with her sisters and all the other things that most mothers do, but she's 16 and I want her to enjoy herself! She has friends that come around, she rarely goes out with them though. She is a popular girl. She's a pretty girl which she inherited from her mother (but fortunately didn't inherit her laziness, self centred attitude or general personality) and an intelligent one at that (I have no idea where she inherited that!)

How the heck do I convince her to go to college, even if it's part time? I'd love to have her home, but i'd love her to go out, enjoy herself and go to college and just be......young!

There is nothing I cannot talk about to my girls. I'm always honest and open with them, but they are the two things I am struggling with the most.

There is so much more, but I have said too much already I'll probably regret posting tonight and come back and hope no-one has noticed

First of all Hello and welcome, I absolutley agree with Bruno who posted above me! You are doing an amazing job as a father to your girls. They are so lucky to have you.
Also dont feel as if you cant post here whenever you need a friendly ear, we all try in our own way to help and were all good for a general chat too

In all honesty I wouldnt fret about your first issue if I were you - for the time being anyway. You say you are not looking to meet anyone right now and your happy bebing dad to your girls, so concentrate on that for the moment. Time will help your girls getting used to the fact that your going to meet people again hopefully. Also when you are ready maybe join a club or do an evening class and you can explain to them that its about meeting friends and having a social life and nothing else to start with.

The second problem you have posted, I dont know if you have done this already but tell your daughter what you have just told us, that you want her to have a life and to be young while she can. tell her how happy and proud you would be to see your first daughter go to college and as much as her thoughts for you are sweet its not what you want for her....
Perhaps get a college course list and book her in for a local open day so she knows how much you mean it.

Just a few thoughts for you, dont know if any will be of use to you. But remember your doing a great job and we are always happy to chat, theres no need to be shy with us :cool:

3onitsway

MOTM - You have my admiration! 7 girls :eek:. They must create a LOT of washing!
If my 8 year old had a twin sister, i'd be sat in a dark room rocking!

When my mum was remarrying, I was 11 and not happy! Mum spoke to me about how I wouldn't want her to be on her own and lonely when I'd left home and that kind of brought me round to the idea, eventually! Would a similar chat help with your girls? And stress that you're not looking for a new mum for them, or a romantic relationship., but it would be nice if you had some friends, and a life away from being full time dad.

Could you give the eldest the option of college, or she finds a full time job? If she goes to college, she'll have a lot more spare time to spend with you and her sisters than if she had to work 5 days 9-5!
Hopefully, if you can convince her that college is the best idea, she'll soon start to love it and the social live it brings!

We're a friendly bunch here, and a few have older children - ask us anything! (You may find at nightime the topic sometimes goes off children and onto all sorts of randomness - but its still fun!):D

And if you ever spot me moaning on about how much hard work three children are, please feel free to give me a virtual slap!

elle_gee

Big welcome to MotM! You're very welcome to join in.. hope we can help (well, everyone else can - I not sure I have anything more to add other than seconding weezl and sparkle!) and I'm sure you have heaps of experience to help us with!

Re: hiring kit, I'm liking this website - http://www.minilodgers.co.uk/equipment/index.aspx. They hire Bumbos too if anyone is thinking of trying one, and do toy hire packages, mostly Mothercare and Fisher Price things