MSE Parents Club Part 4

ManOnTheMoon

weezl74 wrote: »

Hello Man on the moon,

Like bruno, I am filled with admiration for you

I hope the girls will feel ok about you having us lot as cyber-friends, is there a way you can reassure them in case the internet becomes a source of concern for the older 2? ie if they fear you are on here to meet someone, they might get a bit cagey about you posting? Just a thought!

So just to summarise, the older ones particularly are concerned about you meeting someone because if you do, and they allow her into a 'mum space' in their hearts, then they will be distraught if she leaves.


Hmmmmn, tricky. Have you thought about asking them what they think you should do, kinda like: 'I know you don't want me to be lonely, and I don't want you to get hurt by another mum figure..... any ideas of a way forward that works for us both?'


What advice do you think they might give? Sometimes I think people (even teenage girls!) can come up with very creative solutions to family problems...

I'm sorry about the agoraphobia, low confidence and panic. Is that something you feel able to talk to anyone about? Are you in a good relationship with your GP? I know it's hard to ask for help with that sort of thing, because you want people to know how well you are coping, AND YOU ARE! I just think a bit of additional support might help.

One last thought before I butt out.

I once worked with a chap in a similar situation. He came to realise that part of his low confidence was linked to how much he loved his girls, and how much they reminded him of his ex. Them being the apple of his eye, he then found it hard to blame his ex completely for what happened, and inwardly concluded, it must have been me.

Realising this seemed to help him to move on a bit. That might be nothing like what you feel though, so please do ignore if it doesn't fit!

I really hope we can be a source of support to you on here. A lot are dealing with new babies, but quite a few are parents of older children, and we have a mum of 5 and a mum of 6 on here, so you're in good company.;)

Love Weezl x

Hi

With regards to the internet, I think they trust me. Just as long as I don't leave the house! They know i'd feel too guilty about trying to find someone and not telling them. I'm not any good at hiding things from them, so i'm always honest. I have yet to tell them I posted here about this, but I shall do when the time is right over the next day or two.

Yes, the girls are scared of having another 'mother' who will just dump them again and the ones who understand a bit more are scared of me being hurt again.

I've talked to them about finding someone one day, but they don't hear 'one day', they just hear 'finding someone'. I think they think we will all be living together forever. One of the most memorable comments came from one of the younger ones 'I don't want to have a boyfriend and children when i'm older because I don't want to be a horrible person' so she already thinks relationships are bad.

With experience of previous conversations, the reply 'maybe' is often used, followed by watery eyes and I then leave it as I get upset when any of them get upset.

I haven't been to my GP in years. It involves going out and i'm on a leash If I did it behind their backs, i'd feel guilty and tell them and upset them.

I don't look at my girls and think of my ex. They are nothing like her. Okay, they have one or two traits, that's natural, but I don't overly blame myself. I mean, I wish I had done some things differently, but in reality, my ex's are too blame. None of us did anything to warant being walked out on and the kids done nothing to warrant no goodbye and never being contacted again. The one thing I blame myself for is bad taste in women

It's been a nice welcome so far. I know from experience how single parents are viewed, so it's nice to be welcomed somewhere!

ManOnTheMoon

searching_me wrote: »

motm i thnk you're doing great i strungle and i only have 2 kids and theres two parents your doing great really .... and as for going college just remind her that she'd onky resent not going and maybe try it on a trail bases once she's in it im sure she wont wanna leave x

Thanks I've tried your approach but she's stubborn. She isn't doing main college, I think she's too late, but their are other courses that are still taking enrollments. I've told her, even if she just does a few hours on a leisure course...

ManOnTheMoon

Krystaltips wrote: »

ManOnTheMoon, I think you're doing an amazing job with all those girls! I struggled with 1 mouthy girl when I was alone, and it's hard enough now there's 2 of us and she's mouthier! Do you think your eldest might have some confidence issues? Maybe some councelling would help her with her worries of abandonment?

And don't worry about posting, we're all friends here

Oh dear re: Mouthy

My girls aren't mouthy to me, or their friends. I wouldn't even say they were mouthy to anyone else, but just politely 'back off' my dad is mine kind of thing

I wouldn't know where to start with counselling. I think if I suggested it, I may need counselling afterwards from her response.

ManOnTheMoon

sparkle03 wrote: »

First of all Hello and welcome, I absolutley agree with Bruno who posted above me! You are doing an amazing job as a father to your girls. They are so lucky to have you.
Also dont feel as if you cant post here whenever you need a friendly ear, we all try in our own way to help and were all good for a general chat too

In all honesty I wouldnt fret about your first issue if I were you - for the time being anyway. You say you are not looking to meet anyone right now and your happy bebing dad to your girls, so concentrate on that for the moment. Time will help your girls getting used to the fact that your going to meet people again hopefully. Also when you are ready maybe join a club or do an evening class and you can explain to them that its about meeting friends and having a social life and nothing else to start with.

The second problem you have posted, I dont know if you have done this already but tell your daughter what you have just told us, that you want her to have a life and to be young while she can. tell her how happy and proud you would be to see your first daughter go to college and as much as her thoughts for you are sweet its not what you want for her....
Perhaps get a college course list and book her in for a local open day so she knows how much you mean it.

Just a few thoughts for you, dont know if any will be of use to you. But remember your doing a great job and we are always happy to chat, theres no need to be shy with us :cool:

Thanks, I shall post as often as I can.

I'm not looking for anyone, but it doesn't mean I don't get excited when a lady smiles at me. I mean, I still hope for a nice lady, even if I don't believe it will happen, but then the thoughts turn to the girls and how it's not possible right now.

I'd love to meet someone, but it won't happen.

Unless.....my girls know I love Cat Deeley and my girls have said she's the only woman they want me to have as a girlfriend. I don't know if that's possible Especially now Gary Lineker has run off with a packet of crisps

With my daughter....i've tried telling her how proud I am of her and how I want her to be young and enjoy herself, but she refuses to budge, often telling me she won't let me down like her mum and step mum.

I think booking her in behind her back will cause more trouble than it's worth

I'll try not to be shy...

Oh and apologies if i'm slow replying....they may all be happy in front of the TV right now, but I still keep getting 'daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad' :rotfl:

ManOnTheMoon

3onitsway wrote: »

MOTM - You have my admiration! 7 girls :eek:. They must create a LOT of washing!
If my 8 year old had a twin sister, i'd be sat in a dark room rocking!

When my mum was remarrying, I was 11 and not happy! Mum spoke to me about how I wouldn't want her to be on her own and lonely when I'd left home and that kind of brought me round to the idea, eventually! Would a similar chat help with your girls? And stress that you're not looking for a new mum for them, or a romantic relationship., but it would be nice if you had some friends, and a life away from being full time dad.

Could you give the eldest the option of college, or she finds a full time job? If she goes to college, she'll have a lot more spare time to spend with you and her sisters than if she had to work 5 days 9-5!
Hopefully, if you can convince her that college is the best idea, she'll soon start to love it and the social live it brings!

We're a friendly bunch here, and a few have older children - ask us anything! (You may find at nightime the topic sometimes goes off children and onto all sorts of randomness - but its still fun!):D

And if you ever spot me moaning on about how much hard work three children are, please feel free to give me a virtual slap!

Oh yes, alot of washing. Amazingly I have had my washing machine 9 years and it's still going strong. I'm not sure how, especially as it is often on for many hours a day

My 8 year old twins are the funniest girls ever. They make me rock with laughter :rotfl:

I've tried talking with the older ones, particularly the two that have had 2 mothers if you like. The 13 year old is also a bit suspect. Over the last 3 years they've got used to it just being the 8 of us. Anyone new is seen as a threat. When they go out with my sis in law and couple of friends, they often come at home telling me what the girls have said to other people and it worries me

I'll keep trying with college. She has mentioned part time job to help pay the bills. She occasionally goes out with friends but boys and drinking/drugs/smoking are all for losers I agree with drugs and don't want her smoking or drinking or even getting with the wrong boy, but i'd like her to go to cinema etc

I'd never give a virtual slap about moaning :rotfl:I know my girls are very well behaved compared to some children. I'm so glad I don't have really naughty ones yet...........although i'm awaiting the time something 'big' happens

ManOnTheMoon

elle_gee wrote: »

Big welcome to MotM! You're very welcome to join in.. hope we can help (well, everyone else can - I not sure I have anything more to add other than seconding weezl and sparkle!) and I'm sure you have heaps of experience to help us with!

Thank you. Nice welcome so far.

ManOnTheMoon

I think i've replied to all. If I haven't....holler!

Thanks for the welcome and hope to catch you around soon.

Fritha_2

angelfairy wrote: »

during the day is a different story. she is so bad for me when we are out. she just wont go to sleep in the stroller when she is soooooo tired. this then results in her crying/screaming/squeeling all the way around town.

I have one of those too, she has fallen asleep once in the pram and twice in the car! That's part of the reason I use slings so much as she'll happily pass out in one!

3onitsway wrote: »

Who's going to the sling meet on Monday?

Me, I am! Even if it's raining I'll be there!

3onitsway wrote: »

I might! Has Mel been about? I could bring her too. (Even if we don't care about slings, we want to see others IRL!)

But you'll pretend right? There'll be (hopefully) a few non-msers there too so I may have to attempt to convert you (and Mel and MFD) you know just to show willing ;-)

Fritha_2

feelinggood wrote: »

He didn't feed that much yesterday, he went two hours between feeds at one point! I think the mega spurt might finally be over.

On another note, I am in the 7%!! 7% of babies are exclusively breastfed at 4 months, and Tobes is one of them.

Hooray for the end of the megs growth spurt and :T :beer: :j for being 7%! Be bloody proud of yourself that's an awesome achievement!

sparkle03 wrote: »

Me too, I think .... If Im allowed? x

Yup, and there should be people to help you with your maya wrap, I can attempt but I'm not [STRIKE]perfect[/STRIKE] very good!

ladybirdintheuk

Afternoon all.

We've been busy at the allotment all morning (left Izzy in charge of Granny, and then borrowed grandad, so there were 3 of us to takle all the weeds!) so I've not caught up further than this page, so i hope I've not missed anything major!

Izzy is asleep, (I got her down without feeding to sleep again :T:T ... not quite going down awake, but we are getting there) and lunch is nearly cooked. Then I might actually start on some of the other things I was planning to do today. Oh look, is that a pig looking at me through the (3rd floor) window. :rotfl:

ManOnTheMoon wrote: »

Hello all, i'm going to be brave and post

I am a single father of 7 daughters from 2 relationships (first mother 2 girls, second 5 girls) Girls ages, 16, 14, 13, 11, 10 and twins aged 8. Both mothers walked out on us to seek fame and fortune amongst other things and as far as I am aware, neither have. Neither keep in touch with the kids.

First of all I have to say I'm in awe - I struggle sometimes and i only have 1 baby, and DH here, and 2 sets of grandparents on call! You are doing an amazing job

I have help from a couple of female friends and my sister in law. I manage on my own in the main, but sometimes need help, or I am offered it. I do feel ashamed when I need to ask or accept any help. I feel it's my responsibility to cope on my own.

Rubbish - you need to do what is best for the girls and yourself (because you need to be happy and healthy to look after them). If that means getting a bit of help from SIL/whoever then so be it Try not to beat yourself up over this one!

Since my last partner left, nearly 3 years ago, I have become far more withdrawn. I don't remember the last time I went out on my own without at least one of the kids. Even when they are at school, I stay at home and do housework and a part time job from home, which is supplemented by child benefit (awaits being cyberly castrated for being a sponger :rolleyes: )

See above

Now, this is partially as I have lost all confidence and feel agoraphobic, anxious and have panic attacks, and the fact my eldest two, particularly the eldest, want me in as little situations as possible where I can meet people. Those two have lost two people they considered 'mothers' and don't want any more and don't want me being hurt again. They are very overprotective of me.

It's not like i've not been offered to go out. The previously mentioned friends and sister in law, as well as my brother have offered to go out with me, shopping, for a drink etc etc, but either I refuse out of guilt at upsetting my girls, or they refuse for me saying i'm happy as things are. Now I am, I love being with my girls, they are my life and I would never leave them voluntarily. They think I may go and never come back like the 2 mothers and/or meet someone. The eldest, who has just done her GCSE's, from the day her 2nd mother left, phoned me every lunchtime on her mobile from school, which was an improvement on her initial every break time, bot to check I was home necessarily, although she always asked what I had been doing, but to make sure I was okay.

So, my 2 current issues that I can't talk about to anyone...

1. If I ever wanted to meet anyone, I wouldn't be allowed as I would upset my girls, particularly the eldest two. I have absolutely no intention on doing so at the moment, i'm enjoying being a father, I love having them around and the holidays are great as we do so much together within our tiny budget (It's amazing how much you can do for free!) Anytime a female under say.....50, says anything to me, the eldest two are right there, protecting me and themselves, telling the woman how i'm happy as I am etc....even if the woman is just commenting on the Jonas Brothers books i'm buying for the girls or something. They see that as me being chatted up and someone trying to wriggle their way in

OK, my thoughts here, in no particular order - have you spoken to the girls (particularly the eldest) about how you are feeling? Not about wanting to meet someone someday, but about feeling agraphobic etc? It might be worth talking to them about it and (as someone else) suggested, seeing what they thought you could do to get out and about. Maybe echo Feelie here, and try and set yourself a target of getting out once a week. And get ideas from the girls as to what you could do? Make it a kind of project for them to come up with ideas, then you will have a choice of things they are ok with.


2. The eldest finished school this year and wants to go to college, but has said she won't as she wants to stay at home and help me around the house, help with her sisters and all the other things that most mothers do, but she's 16 and I want her to enjoy herself! She has friends that come around, she rarely goes out with them though. She is a popular girl. She's a pretty girl which she inherited from her mother (but fortunately didn't inherit her laziness, self centred attitude or general personality) and an intelligent one at that (I have no idea where she inherited that!)

How the heck do I convince her to go to college, even if it's part time? I'd love to have her home, but i'd love her to go out, enjoy herself and go to college and just be......young!

What does she want to do in the long run? Is it worth taking that track? is she wants to do x then she will need xyz qualification to get there etc. Other than that, could you talk to her about what she wants her sisters to achieve in the future, and that the best thing she could be doing for them is setting them a good example by going off to college and also by having a balanced healthy lifestyle (so including exercise/whatever, but also including fitting social life in too!). Realistically I think if her sisters look up to her then she needs to be paving the way for them to follow in her footsteps.

There is nothing I cannot talk about to my girls. I'm always honest and open with them, but they are the two things I am struggling with the most.

There is so much more, but I have said too much already I'll probably regret posting tonight and come back and hope no-one has noticed

Don't worry about talking to us about things - after all, we're not real