oi what you doing here

elantan

savingholmes wrote: »

I don't know about you but I had a "rescuer" mentality - I saw a problem - someone unhappy whatever - and I wanted to ride to the rescue and fix it whether they asked or not... I have to stop myself rescuing people and remind myself that if I "rescue" financially - then I am putting myself in debt for something they wouldn't - what is that about? It is really hard at the mo as my little sis is getting married, her fiance is working 2 jobs and she is too sick to work - I want to help her but I can't.... she doesn't expect it which makes me want to help her more.... I have to physically stop myself....

A friend of mine has 7 kids.... I was one of 5 and would consider myself "deprived" as a kid.... I kind of want to "fix" that for them so they don't rerun my childhood! Their parents are much better and more natural parents than mine tho and have access to a lot of friendship and support - so don't "need" me to "fix" it anyway - taken me a few years to get that thro my head tho LOL!

. So what did you do to change ?

hypno06

elantan wrote: »

Totally hypno and it is a reacurring theme in my life truth to tell... Although I am slightly better than I was but I need to stop this cycle and not just till I am debt free but for ever .... Maybe that is something I should work on ... Where would I start though ...any advice greatly appreciated

Firstly you have to do some soul searching and discover why it is that you feel the need to do it in the first place. Only then can you address the issue, speak to yourself about why it is not necessary for you to act in this way, and move on.

You may need to so some self hypnosis to ask yourself the questions, and the answers may not be what you expect, but they will lead you to put the matter to bed, and to do things for yourself first.......

elantan

Good idea I am meeting up with another hypnotherapist tomorrow ( we do help each other out through sharing ....I do get help when I need it sometimes lol) will aske her to help me if not will do some self hypnosis tomorrow night ... Have decided to phone hubbys bro and say words along the line of ... Hey j just to make sure you are gonna make it on sun.... When he replies to that depending on the answer I was gonna say well listen not sure if you remember me saying about my prices .... It's usually £50 a time but will give you it for £40 cause of who you are... That way he knows it isn't free and he can decide if he wants it or not ... Was talking to hubby about treating him and charging him hubby totally agrees he should pay ... He also thinks I should charge for the oils I use in aromatherapy ... I have always done this for free as I am not fully qualified but it has always been explained I am not fully qualified but learning and only if the were willing to be guinea pigs would I do it ... It costs me in oils etc every time but I took the hit for that hbby thinks however I should charge for the oils ... He has a point ... Some soul searching needing done I think

elantan

Am on my iPhone again sorry for the spelling

mizmir

Hi El - a bit late coming in on this but I agree completely with everyone else - you should be charging and certainly noone has the right to assume they will get stuff free. Different if you choose not to charge (which I have sometimes done but like hypno it is usually someone who has expected to pay but I have felt I have had something equivalent back anyway).

On the "rescuer" thing - have you asked yourself what makes you respond in that way? And how you might respond differently? If you were working with someone behaving in the same way what would you get them to do (say using NLP techniques)? Just a thought.

elantan

Think I am gonna start workng on it tomorrow miz ... You are all ofcourse totally right ..... Something I think I have needed to work on for a while ... Have adresssed it before but agreed with myself that when I was debt free I would help friends again ... Ok I am back in debt but had started helping again before I went back into debt .... So I really need to address this situation for good ... Even when I am debt free I shouldn't be doing it anymore

elantan

well i am up early and going to head o ut of the door in the next half hour or so for this meeting ...did some meditation on the subject last night and i think i may have some of the reasons why i do what i do ...no answers yet though on how to solve it ...will discuss this with person today and see how we get on together ...i think it is something she will be happy to discuss as she became aware of it a couple of weeks ago and mentioned it ...

wow sounds like a secret language there ...anyhoo will let you know how i go

savingholmes

HI El

I've tried everything to break my rescuer mentality:

counselling,
coaching
reading eg families and how to survive them, games people play, feel the fear and do it anyway, how to be your own life coach, take yourself to the top, instance confidence
nlp
MSE Some of my early posts - and the replies I got helped too - as I realised what I was doing....

Good luck with your journey

elantan

thanks saving holmes for being as open and honest as you have it is much appreciated...

well today i went to the hypnotherapists (friends/business partner) home and we spoke at great length about the situation and it was a very interesting conversation ...she said that she had became concerned about some of the things i had said about the "friend" the previous week ...i explained to her what i had meant by what i said and she said ahhhh i see now why you have done what you have done ...ultimately when my friend first arrived back in the country she required alot of help getting back on her feet ...i was a rock for her at this time giving of both my time, money and skills i did however notice a few months ago that she had started to take advantage of me and my good nature ...she became expectant of me doing paying etc for certain things ...but by this time i had already agreed to do certain things ...so me being me and knowing what was going to happen but very aware of not harming myself in anyway continued with what i had said i would do ....i wasnt dissapointed she did exactly as i thought she would ...the thing that got me was the total disrespect of me that she seemed to show ...

now as hypno quite rightly stated and i am sure many of you will agree i have been a "rescuer" for a long time ...at one stage i was a "rescuer" for any body ...but through the years and thanks in part to mse and particularly dfw i have slowly managed to sort this out ...i have successfully stopped helping just anyone ...total strangers was the first to go followed by the painful lesson i learned last year about acquaintances so there i was thought i had learned all there was to learn about "rescuing" i thought i was safe with people that i classed as "friends" and i have been very careful honest i have ...

so this week i have learned that "friends" also can be the same ...

so what i learned about myself is that helping people in times of need is part of me my generoisity of spirit and kind is something i like about me something i think helps to make who i am me...however what i do need to look into is knowing the difference between those that actually need this help(and that i feel i want to or can help) and those that are abusing my generous spirit and nature ....


so this is yet another learning curve for me ...and one that will amongst other things will financially improve my life ...

hypno06

Sounds like you have done a lot of thinking over the last day or so. Now what you have to do is to look at what you have discovered, and reach your new compromises - ways that you can still satisfy the "rescuer" part of you (you don't want rid of it completely, because it is part of who you are) without it costing you money or time or energy that you cannot afford to expend.

Giving until you have nothing left to give, is not going to help anyone in the long run. Cultivating your energy and your emotions and channelling them in an effective way will mean you can keep "giving" for much longer - although perhaps not in the way that you first thought!

As for your oils - while you are training, there is nothing wrong with asking for something "to cover expenses". Work out the cost of each treatment, and charge that amount, nothing more, nothing less.