A fresh start

Karmacat

Seaxwyn wrote: »

He is passionate about art and spends many hours writing about art but not for money! He is interested in lots of things but has a weird disconnect about doing anything constructive about them. He is very skilled in lots of things, from bicycle maintenance to navigating by the stars, speaking languages to cooking, but none of them lend themselves to employment. And he seems to have a knack of rubbing people up the wrong way and messing up when he does get work.

I didn't make a doctor's appointment because he made one for himself for when I am at work. I offered to go with him but he said no.

Those things certainly lend themselves to employment, Seaxwyn. The rubbing people up the wrong way is a huge problem, however, no matter what his skills are.

Savvy_sewing

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Thanks everyone. dfw844 I'm sorry to hear you haven't liked most of your jobs and wish you better luck in future. I feel very lucky that I have always done work that I have really cared about. Even if that has sometimes blurred the boundaries between work and non-work.

OH had his appointment at the Employment Support place today. The adviser said he should be getting a benefit called ESA and they are going to help him apply. I think this is a bit dubious as he has actually been applying for jobs. So surely if he gets a benefit it should be Jobseeker's Allowance - and he has applied for that in the past and not got it because of my earnings. Well if he gets any income that would be a help but what he needs is help getting a job, not collusion in seeing himself as 'unemployable'.

ESA is Employment Support Allowance. It is intended to help those who have been longterm ill/off work back into work. It is in two different stages. There are also two different types. But it doesnt take into account your income. So this should be a bonus for you.
If he gets it, he has to have a medical after about 13 weeks, and they do a back to work focused course/plan with him.
He has to show he is trying to retrain, or look for work.

Seaxwyn

thanks all. OH has been like this for so long that I don't really hold out much help of change but it would be great if the employment service people do help him or force him to focus.

Meanwhile he is not making any effort as far as I can see and the bills are rolling in as usual. Today I had to pay £220 towards a school trip to Spain for DD2 next year. It sounds a fantastic trip so I don't mind paying, but I could have done without paying an installment in December!

taxi73

Sounds like an expensive trip.Don't know how they expect parents to pay out such vast sums.

NorthernLas

What does OH think working in a shop is like?? How does he know?

I say that because when I asked my nephew what he wanted to do, he said he never wanted to work in an office. When I asked why, I said he thought it would be very like school (which presumably he disliked). I didn't push the matter and he was a teenager at the time, but what did he think ... that you sit quietly in rows with a manager at the front dictating when you can leave your seat??

While working front of house will not be everyones idea of fun, especially if they 'don't suffer fools'. Some companies have back of house roles where your job is to go in and do stuff and then go home. I suggested charity shop furniture pick up / delivery, because you never actually work in the shop and you are very much appreciated (whatever your customer service skills) since it is a volunteer job that few people want / are able to do.

What about him volunteering to do art therapy for socially excluded people or prison volunteering?

Sorry, but if he doesn't have mental health issues, but CBA to help financially, is he indavertently just 'taking the michael'?

I have read one book that suggests that there is a reason why people stay 'depressed' and it is that in some strange way they find it a positive experience. What does he get out of being the victim? ... he is able to abdicate any finanical responsibility to you and your children; he has a dependable person (you) who will not give up on him and a mother figure
More importantly, what do you get out of the uneven balance of 'power'. Presumably, he is useful being around when the kids get home, does he do other household chores?

[Sorry, I don't mean the last paragraph to upset/offend or sound harsh. Just something to think on and if it is not as you want it, how can you adjust things so they move towards your ideal solution]

NL x

dfw844

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Thanks everyone. dfw844 I'm sorry to hear you haven't liked most of your jobs and wish you better luck in future. I feel very lucky that I have always done work that I have really cared about. Even if that has sometimes blurred the boundaries between work and non-work.

Thanks. I actually love what I do now. It was depressing working jobs I really didn't want to do, there were Sunday nights when I cried because I didn't want to go into work so much. But it wasn't as bad as lying awake at night worrying about the debts. I know a lot of you can relate to that. 9-5 is was miserable, but the alternative was being miserable 24/7.

The only good thing (apart from paying back the debts), was that I learnt to switch off and forget about work in my down time, and that's a skill I have now aquired for life!

Seaxwyn

Thanks all! Actually I don't believe my OH is 'depressed'. I recognise that clinical depression is real, but I think it is an easy definition for people who have for whatever reason lost their mojo. My OH is perfectly capable of working, and he believes that too. Neither of us has ever been on benefits and I don't think that is the answer for him at the moment - he needs to be forced to work.

His main problem, I think, is disorganisation, that he is incapable of being in the right place at the right time with the right equipment. That is quite serious. It's aggravated by his refusal to get enough sleep - he stays up half the night so in the daytime, he is quite a zombie.

He does do some household chores. He is an excellent cook, and if reminded and nagged he will do other tasks. He is pretty good at DIY, when motivated.

As for shop work, I agree, what is the problem? He is very scared of having to deal with people and fears difficult situations of people refusing to pay or whatever. Having worked in shops myself I know that this is just something you have to deal with from time to time.

beanielou

I suppose one of the difficulties is that we all get more set in our ways as we get older & things that are difficult become more difficult IYSWIM? I agree that the lack of sleep is a big problem & of course it becomes a vicious circle.So difficult for you.

dfw844

I think we've come full circle! Chev was saying that OH is, well, lazy and unmotivated. You discussed the idea that maybe he has other issues... but it seems you have concluded he doesn't.

Shop work seems like the obvious solution (I remember you worked in paper shop for a bit?), but if he doesn't want to do it, and you don't want to force him to by refusing to fund his lifestyle if he doesn't do it, then there's not much more insight to be offered, I don't think.

You have decided that you want to stay with him, regardless of the work situation. I think we should therefore probably move onto some other topics. Otherwise this could become a bit of witch-hunt. And no-one wants that because we're all here rooting for Seaxwyn!!

Seaxwyn

Thanks dfw for summing up the situation very well. Life is always more complicated than can easily be described in writing, I know there is truth in both Chev's vision of my OH as well as a more charitable view. And there is nothing to be gained by going over old ground. So on to more interesting topics.

A loan payment went out today and there are only 22 left to go - the end is in sight.

I have my appraisal at work on Monday. This is an opportunity to say how badly I think things are going and how much we need to change. I have the germ of an idea to do a mini restructure and make myself redundant. It's not just escapism, the place really does need reorganising and they need skills I don't have. If I left in June I would get two months' salary as a tax-free lump sum which would be a big help if I had work lined up to go onto. So that is a plan to think about over Christmas.