A fresh start

Eager_Elephant

Hi Seaxwyn

(((Seaxwyn and family)))

Thank you for coming back to say how you are, we have all been worried.

My husband has depression and has done for a long time, fortunately he still works but he has said that he only works for us, his family - if he did not have us he would not bother going to work. Some may see this as emotional blackmail but I choose to ignore that fact given our history.

My husband usually has a cycle of depression, so every x no of years he has a very bad depressive episode and does not go to work for 6 months. I am trying to understand things better from his side but I find talking about it very upsetting.

He is due a bad depressive episode soon so hopefully we can better manage it, he had a wobble last weekend and was going to ask for an increase in medication - but he is a very high dose anyway so he would likely to have to change which we don't want because he gets very bad side effects when he changes meds.

I used to 'mother' my husband a lot, I would make excuses for him if he didn't answer the phone to friends or go out when he said he would. Not any more, since we have been to Relate I can see where we have gone wrong for the last 10 years. Instead I tell people that he doesn't want to answer the phone or tell them the truth.

I no longer get him up in the mornings like I used to, if he doesn't get up for work then tough.

We have also sat down and discussed what we want, so I have made it clear that I expect certain things from him (not too bad) like cooking 2 days a week as I can't be expected to do it all the time. He has embraced this very well.
I know your husband does the cooking but if you also want him to clean when he is not working maybe he would benefit from a smaller list from the Flylady challenge on here.

My husband and children enjoy having a list to work to, at least at the end you can see what you have done and that is a positive for people with depression.

Can you help your husband overcome his disorganisation, could he do mind maps if he has school/college work to get ready? (this is on Memorygirls thread) or would lists help? What about a large calendar so he can put in when the work needs doing by so he always have something to aim for.

Hope you don't mind me interfering, feel free to ignore

EE

Eager_Elephant

Sorry just one more point.

Wordsmith said what about you???

I have to agree, everything I do I do for my kids and my husband but recently I have been doing things for me - I go out with friends more, I try to do more of what I am interested in.

If my husband does not want a hobby etc then he is not going to hold me back.

EE

taxi73

am sure you'll sort it whatever way you want xx

Karmacat

Some really interesting points there from EagerElephant (such an amazing name!)

Seaxwyn

Thanks all. Eager Elephant, I do give my OH lists, and they work well for small jobs. But he hates being 'micro managed' (as he calls it) so I can't interfere much in his projects, so they generally come to nothing.

I do look out for my own interests though. I go running regularly, which I love, and I go out with friends, and I am involved in a number of local campaigns, which is my hobby really. I certainly am no selfless martyr.

Savvy_sewing

Justs to let you know I am sitting in lurkdom.
My problems may not be sorted but I must admit that writing it down on my thread,(on the relationships board) has helped me stay saine (sh)
and enables me to let off steam and regroup, retrench or how ever we term things.

Hugs, Moo

Eager_Elephant

Hi Seaxwyn

I'm glad you have your own life outside the house.

You may have seem some of my postings before but I have also distanced myself from my husband financially, we have seperate bank accounts now.

We used to have joint but as fast as I was paying the debts off he was ordering things from ebay etc and it was out of control and then he moaned when we had no money.

So we each pay our own debts and our own bills and I have an account which is used for household bills - we all pay the same amount in (live with kind of father-in-law). I don't agree with this as I earn a lot less than him but he won't budge so to keep the peace I keep quiet and get on with trying to pay my debts on my little income.

Hope things improve

Seaxwyn

1st of December and my debt stands at £26,849.62.

That's £1,167.50 less than on 1st November. Woo hoo! After taking four months to get through the 28ks, I went straight through the 27s without stopping.

Looked at in a less positive way, I received £1,168.99 freelance pay this month but my no. 1 priority debt only reduced by £234, underlining how my regular pay does not cover our outgoings.

However I choose to look at this positively. This year I have paid off over £5k, despite the challenges.

I won't do so well in December. It's an expensive month, and I have no freelance work booked. I do have a few days off around Christmas so I will see if I can get shifts in the shop, and paper rounds. I'm looking forward to the Christmas/Yuletide break.

taxi73

£5k off is still a fair chunk over the year which is great.You deserve a break at christmas as you work so hard

hypno06

I agree - £5k is no mean feat, and you would be very much in the minority if you were to say that December *wasn't* going to be an expensive or difficult month!

Keep going, you are doing brilliantly. The debt is coming down and you have survived another year!