A fresh start

Savvy_sewing

Seaxwyn wrote: »

It's heading towards the end of the month and I hope I might just end the month in the £26ks, thanks to quite a lot of freelance pay coming in this month. That would be a real boost.

However another issue has given me a wake-up call. My DS has been getting into trouble at school recently and today we were called in for a conference. It's surprised everyone as he has always been a good boy, but recently has been very defiant and it culminated in him trashing his classroom yesterday. I am very shocked and upset and think a lot of it may be due to his being rather neglected, with me being out at work all week and often occupied with running, politicking or whatever at the weekend. And my OH is very distracted and not very hands-on. So now we have to pull ourselves together and focus back on our son.

I have told my boss I want to go part-time, and he understands, but i have to find secure freelance work to make up the lost income OR Oh has to get a job. I have worn myself out wishing for the latter option though so I will concentrate on looking for work myself and he finds anything, that is a bonus. He is now off the teaching rota at the college after only a few weeks, though they see he is still on the staff and will be back on the rota sometime.

Oh dear sorry to read this.
We can get so tied up in our worlds can't we. This is similar in a way to me, DS got into trouble a couple of years ago, when I was so wrapped up in the twins etc. Alas I am still so wrapped up in the twins and firefighting all the time.
I would give anything to have realised before it was too late with my son. Now its just a very difficult communications thread between us, which I fear I am loosing the battle.

I wish you well in finding the best outcome for you and yours.
I wish your Hubby could find the work he wants to do, as well as needs to do, to support you.
Obviously DS is suffering from the situation, even if you had not been aware of it!.
Huge big Hugs,
Mooloo x

Sea78

Hugs Seax - sorry to hear about DS.

xxx

beanielou

Sorry to hear about DS.

hypno06

Another one here is sorry to read that, but PLEASE do not beat yourself up over the fact that you go out to work to earn the living that you need to earn in order to keep a roof over their heads, and food on their table.

I am sorry, but it is OH who is letting you all down. If he went to work, you could ease back.

I am so cross for you. I know how hard it is to juggle full time work, kids, finances and life, and when you have a partner who is not doing his share, it is just not on, especially when negative results are being experienced by the children.

I hope you manage to find the balance you need, but again, I do wish he would swallow his pride, or whatever he needs to do, for the good of his family.

Rant over.

taxi73

Can't say anymore than Hypno really but am sending hugs....know how you feel I've got 3 of them at it at the moment

Wordsmith

So sorry to hear about this, Seaxwyn - as if life wasn't hard enough anyway. It could be considered a wake-up call, but I would question whether it relates to you/your son. He has two parents - one who is working and one who is at home. The wake-up call should (in my opinion - I don't mean to tell you what you should be feeling) relate to your OH/your son, or you/your OH. You cannot be everything to everyone - when are you going to look after yourself? And maybe it is not due to his "neglect" (most definitely your term, not mine) - yes, he may need some support right now, but that could be talking about something else that is upsetting him and just needing the odd half an hour to talk it through with Mum, or half an hour of quality time each day, which is different from a mum who is home a lot of the time. If you heard about another couple in this situation, where Mum was at home all day and Dad was at work, would you be saying Dad should stay home more? Sorry if I sound interfering.

Will your son talk to you about what has happened? How has your OH reacted?

Good luck - to your son for sorting out his feelings in this difficult time for him, and to you for sorting out yours.

Karmacat

Seax, so sorry to hear this - but I agree with the feedback you're getting - it seems to be that you're actually needing to act as a one parent family, when there's really two of you. It sounds agony for you, it does. Lots of good wishes your way, I'm sorry I can't help.

chevalier

Seax you know me I have been blunt with you before. So here are my thoughts. I have been trying since you posted that you had told OH to shape up or leave, to find the right words, but each time I go to write a reply I get SO ANGRY AT YOUR OH, that I feel I should leave it and try again later.

OK so 16 or so days later since that post of yours and I am still angry at your OH and the situation he is putting you into, so I guess I will just have to get on and say it anyway. So SORRY if it is a bit ranty...but it is because I care about you.

So going back to the leaving thing. What happened? Did his behaviour change in ANY way at all? Anything? Even a small step? Nope didn't think so. The fact you can call someone you should love and like as your best mate a 'parasitic slug' means that you hold him in contempt. He should leave before he makes you more venomous and bitter.

Yes the children will be shocked. But surprised erm nope. I am sure they have plenty of friends where both parents work, and so have less stressed mums because their partner is shouldering the burden of bills etc with them. Your OH is not your partner he is a manipulative so and so, who does just enough (and you accept a vanishingly smally amount of help from him and enable him to be lazy), to ensure that his nice comfy little parasitic world doesn't get rocked.

Any time you vaguely get tough he pacifies you by a minute amount of effort, and then you DON'T KEEP ON AT HIM TO KEEP UP THE EFFORT. You let him slide back down into doing nothing again. Is it any surprised that you feel trapped and pressured.

You have had to deal with your dear dad having a problem. I know they are not your parents but how much running around did he do with the kids so you could have free time to help them? That is what proper partners do, back stop each other so that in a crisis you can spend time helping the person/s with the crisis. The partner takes over the everyday things.

Did he step up and do this, or did you have to help your parents AND work AND cook AND do housework/uniforms run the children around to clubs etc.

Would it really be any different if he wasn't around? Well yes all the carp in the house that he is meant to have gotten rid of over a year ago will be gone with him. If you told him to be out by the end of this month, guess what he WILL find himself somewhere no matter what he might say.

Ok the timing sucks, just before christmas, but that doesn't mean to say that he wouldn't be there for xmas day or whatever. I don't know what age you are Seax, but do you want to reach 50 and still have no pension, no resources, scraping along with him dragging you down, sprititually, emotionally.

Though he isn't being abusive in a traditional sense, he is abusing your relationship by not being a partner, not backing you up. Now I am a stay at home mum at the moment. My OH is out of the house at 6am and back at 6pm. he does sports 3 days a week, and helps out with cricket on a saturday and we both help with surf life saving on a sundy. So he works very hard for the money we get, LIKE YOU DO.

BUT the difference is, he doesn't have to do a thing around the house (ok this grates a bit when i am tired) but that is my part of the bargain. I don't work (which is what I wanted at the time), but we have healthy food, the house is clean, have clean clothes at the right time, take the boys to various clubs, organise the finances pretty much, organise days out, holidays, baby sitters etc etc.

Does your stay at home dad do this? Or are you working full time (I will come back to this in a moment), and doing all of the above. If the answer is yes, then effectively your are a single parent anyway. The only difference is that your are scivvying for 5 instead of what is should be which is 4 plus yourself.

If he left you would be able to get council tax discount, your working families tax credit would go up. Your debt would go down, because you would no longer be paying your OH debts. Just how much of that 28k in your signature is his?

You now have to deal with the issues surrounding your DS. And of course the first thing YOU do is cut your hours, JEAPARDISING THE FAMILIES FINANCIAL STABILITY. Because you know that your OH won't be a partner and step and take control of the situation with your DS, you will have to do it. IF (please please please reconsider) you go part time, then you will still have to try and find freelance work (that wasn't working before was it that was why you went for the ft job). So how would you have more time to devote to your son.

And by the way YOU HAVEN'T BEEN NEGLECTING HIM. You have an OH who should have spotted that something was amiss, and got off his butt and talked to your DS about this months ago...IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT DS IS ACTING OUT.

I wonder did it occur to you that DS is acting out because he is embarassed by his dad, getting teased about having such a loser for a dad. You know the thing your will be a loser cos your dad is. What are you showing your DS (and your daughters for that matter)? You are showing him that it is ok to not have a job, to not contribute, to live off someone else for ever. To your DD's you are modelling being a door mat. Someone who never follows through on their threats, who never makes a decision. You are modelling that avoiding confrontation at all costs is the priority, no matter how painful financially or emotionally it is. That the status quo is preferable, no matter how horrible it is, rather than doing something about it to change it for the better.

Do you really want any of them to be trapped in the type of relationship you have in a not so few years time (for the older ones)?

If you decide that he is staying. Then you have no choice. As you won't be losing his debts (which you would when he leaves), then you will have to either do a DMP, which would be just on your full time money (don't sacrifice a good job for your OH. Don't cave in on this. I am sure your Boss seemed understanding, but if I was him/her having a employee come to me less than 6 months after starting asking to change to pt then I would be pretty p***ed off, and would mark that employee down as not worth developing, as they are unreliable.

Alternatively you can go bankrupt. That would mean that you could probably manage on the part time wage.

Either way I would emphasise that you would only be dealing with your debts, and as far as his are concerned he is on his own. You could both go bankrupt or he could and then you could do a DMP for your debt. but either way he would be on £10 a week pocket money thereafter. Because he would never threaten the financial stability of the household again. You have been giving your children socks for years at christmas. Now maybe this christmas you will have to again. But wouldn't it be nice by NEXT christmas to be in Hypno's position - debt paid of by down grading of house, healthier, less stressed etc.

PLEASE STOP PUTTING THIS WORM FIRST, AND PUT YOU FIRST INSTEAD.

Or do you want to get to 60 a bitter woman cos he took all of the best years of your life, rather than just some of them.


hugs mate, it will be tough but you can get through on your own. You are on your own now, it just happens to be living in the same house as you
chev

hypno06

^^^^^^^what chev said, more or less!

I won't deny, my year has not been the best.....but I look back at the way I was existing (not living, not being supported, despite my words on MSE perhaps indicating otherweise) and this year will turn out to be the best thing that could have happened to me, and to my children.

I won't say I have "wasted" the last 20 years of my life, because I don't want to have too many regrets.....but I certainly won't be wasting the next 20 years. It will be tight - XOH doesn't contribute to the kids' skiing, I can't see how he will contribute to their university fees, and there has been no mention from him about helping with more immediate things like driving lessons, so all this will come down to me, and you know me - I will I try my hardest to ensure that all this goes ahead. So I can't pretend for a moment that it is easy, because the responsibility of it all is pretty huge, and at times overwhelming.

BUT, as I say, compared with the "existance" that I now acknowledge I was having, the future is so much brighter.

I hope things are ok for you - you know where I am if you need!

Karmacat

Okay, thats a scary post from chev. If I was you, Seax, I'd be horrified to read that. But, you know what? I agree with the points she's making - you *are* on your own in finding the finances, and in dealing with emotional issues too, from the sound of it. I *know* how scary it is to make massive changes, like dowsizing - there's an identity crisis that goes with it, I would say - I certainly went through that. Its deep, and its heartrending, and mine isn't finished yet, in spite of having moved and the house well on the way to being finished.

I guess thats a trying-to-be-gentle way of saying what chev has said, that you could be reaching towards pensionable age and looking back full of regrets at the level of survival existence you endured, rather than looking back satisfied that you used your forties to step up and start living the way you wanted to live, not just enduring.

I hope you can find your way through this to something more positive for all of you, Seax - even for the OH. He seems pretty helpless, and I would think that deep down he doesn't like the situation any more than you do - you've steadfastly maintained that he's a good man in many ways. If he is that, then his life's journey has gone into a cul de sac too, think of it like that - if the only way you can help him is to do something like what chev describes, then so be it. Your first duty is to yourself and your kids.

All the best to you, in this most difficult of times.