A fresh start

Savvy_sewing

Just sending my best wishes and thoughts. Big Hugs. Mooloo x

chevalier

Sending hugs to help the pondering. And apologies if I didn't pull my punches enough.....

Sea78

You ok hun? xxxxx

Seaxwyn

Thanks all. I'm fine. It's payday today and I'm in the £26ks - hope I can stay there for the rest of the month.

I've been thinking seriously about my situation - work, OH, the rest of it.

I don't see OH in quite the way Chev puts it. He's not lazy and doesn't want to be a parasite. He does almost all the food shopping and cooking, and very well. He does some cleaning and laundry - not as much as one would wish, but then I'm not very good on that front either. He is also very good at getting involved in some of the children's activities and interests, though not all.

His problems aren't from not wanting to work but some complicated combination of low self-esteem, depression, and disorganisation. Throwing him out is not an option - he would definitely not cope and would be sleeping on a bench for sure. He's a vulnerable person and I feel it is a duty as a humane person to stick with him "for better for worse" (even though we aren't married).

More to the point is how I can earn more in less time as i do want to spend more time at home, for DS but also for myself. I don't particularly enjoy my current job and certainly don't think it's worth spending over 12 hours a week commuting for. I need to evaluate what my best employment options are, something I have never really considered.

Wordsmith

Good luck, Seaxwyn. Only you know all points of view of your life and only you can make those decisions, but map your thoughts on here and maybe it will help with clarifying what you really want - telling people what you are thinking can sometimes help with a reality check, or at least make you more determined in your decisions. We'll support you whatever you decide. Please do think of yourself as well as those around you, though. It sounds like you have already decided what you don't want, which is a good step forward. Next step ... deciding what you do want.

Did you find out what was upsetting your son? And have you been able to help him through it? How is your dad?

Thinking of you.

Karmacat

Good points from wordsmith! Hugs, Seaxwyn - you're the only one who can decide what you want in your life, no matter what other people think, I hope you can find a way forward thats right for you.

Seaxwyn

DS seems good, thanks. He hasn't had any more angry outbursts (as far as I know anyway). We have an appointment with his teacher next week to review things so it will be interesting to hear the teacher's perspective about how things are at school.

I've made sure to talk to DS every day before and after school, and do things with him at the weekend. OH took him to a fencing taster session at the school. I am hoping his wobble was a very justified appeal for attention as I was definitely distracted from him and OH is pathologically unfocussed.

My dad is doing OK and adjusting to blindness admirably well. My mum is good, too, though very tired. Dad has hired my DD3 to help label all his personal files with a special 'talking pen' thing - she is earning £7.50 hour doing this, to everyone's envy!

ZTD

Seaxwyn wrote: »

I don't see OH in quite the way Chev puts it. He's not lazy and doesn't want to be a parasite. He does almost all the food shopping and cooking, and very well. He does some cleaning and laundry - not as much as one would wish, but then I'm not very good on that front either.

Would you be the one working full time? I find I'm better at things that I get an extra 8 hours a day to have a crack at.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

His problems aren't from not wanting to work but some complicated combination of low self-esteem, depression, and disorganisation. Throwing him out is not an option - he would definitely not cope and would be sleeping on a bench for sure. He's a vulnerable person and I feel it is a duty as a humane person to stick with him "for better for worse" (even though we aren't married).

"Duty" is not a strong base for a relationship, and perceiving your role as some kind of live-in Care-in-the-Community caseworker even less so.

Now I'm not saying he has to go out and work, but if he doesn't, he has to stay in and work. Work so that when *your* working day is finished, then it's finished. After all, he lives off your wages and is effectively your employee.

If he's not bringing anything to your relationship other than you assuaging a sense of guilt, then that will very soon turn into corrosive resentment.

:grouphug:

Seaxwyn

'corrosive resentment' is a good way of putting it!

It's true that our relationship is pretty dire, but as this is a website about money, I wont explore that here!

The ideal thing for everyone would be if he would go out and earn money (AND do the cooking ). He is never going to do that without a lot of support, so I need to regroup and look at how to do that. It's not impossible. Even last night he was chatting to a friend about how the two of them could offer joint Photoshop classes at the local further education college - something this other guy did before - so there are avenues to pursue.

Corrosive resentment is not the best frame of mind from which to help someone so I have to channel my inner Care-in-the-Community caseworker.

Wordsmith

Seaxwyn wrote: »

It's true that our relationship is pretty dire, but as this is a website about money, I wont explore that here!

... and it's private, so you may not want to. However, the money problems are exacerbated by the relationship difficulties, so if you did want to seek support/advice/let off steam/whatever about the relationship it is entirely appropriate that you might want to do so here.

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Corrosive resentment is not the best frame of mind from which to help someone so I have to channel my inner Care-in-the-Community caseworker.

Does love come into the equation? Just a thought - ignore if you think I am harping on about something you wish us to shut up about - could you not help him (emotionally) as a friend while not living together? I know you know him and we don't, but I know people who look as though they will fall apart if they split up from their partner, but who in fact get stronger and blossom because by being left to stand on their own feet they find a strength they never knew they had.

And WHAT ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL?

Not nagging, just caring.