Today is a new day!

beanielou

I do worry you do too much but i do see where you are coming from.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

InaPickle wrote: »

Now onder you feel tired! :eek: Are you one of those people who really can't stand a mess and therefore couldn't sleep as a result once you knew it was there? I think your sleep is more important under those circumstances. Try to get an early night tonight, and so what if the last of the washing up hasn't been cleared?!

Take care of yourself, PaF. If you fall over in the show and break a leg cos you were tired, you will be kicking yourself over your late-night washing up session!

Yes, I know, I know! I consider myself told off! Bless you pickle!

The thing is this:when I wake up in the middle of the night with the house representing something like a lighthouse, the kitchen light might be on, the tv, the heating too, the washing up is there to do, sometimes I could suddenly drop off while sorting out the brochures so I wake up surrounded by Kl books and paperwork. I think to myself if I dont get it upstraight then, I have to do it when I wake up in the morning. If I wait till then, it sets me back with my work plans for the day and getting up. If Im behind with that then it means dd will have to carry on working with me out and about after school or school club. That then makes me more tired as Im out and about as the night draws in and the weather gets colder and I spend my time feeling guilty that dd is not at home in the warm, and then by the time we are home I need to organise the supper, help dd with any homework, prepare for the next day. And not wishing to sound sorry for myself, however the reality is everything I do takes longer than the average person because of my disability. Its just the way it is. So, I attempt to keep on top of everything, the plus side to all of this of course is the fact that we are still herein this little home of ours, the bills are being paid. If the choice was tiredness and that, or not feeling tired but losing my home, the former wins every time.

Thank you for keeping me in check pickle!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, positives of today thus far:

No more direct debits due out till the 15th. Two very big credit card payts went out of account today. All is well there.

Have got out 172 books today, 155 to existing customers, 17 just plonked out to get them out there, better that than them sitting here at home not earning me any money.

Its tried to snow here today but so far hasn't succeeded. Hoorah!

Just about to call a couple of prospects, do a delivery to a customer, collect dd from mum and dads, come home, sort dd out, prepare for tom, and have an early night. Are you reading this pickle, yes Im having an early night!! Seriously, I could have put out a further 40 books today but I have tripped up some 4 times this afternoon. I said to God in the end, yes, ok I get the message, so home Ive come, currently enjoying a cup of tea sitting by a radiator trying to get the circulation back in my legs. I am getting better at listening to my body. Falling over is simply NOT an option.

On that note, need to get on that phone..

InaPickle

Aw, PaF, I'm not trying to tell you off, I just don't want to see you come a-cropper for a silly reason that might mean you would then be unable to work for ages, which would mean that everything you have fought to hard to keep would be under threat. Just take care of yourself, and let up a bit with the pressure: one or two things amis aren't the end of the world!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Just a quick entry before rushing off to pick dd from school. Been to the garage today. Since three years ago I have qualified for Motorbility, something Im eternally grateful for and my car is due to be renewed. However, it transpires my current adaption is now obsolete, that is it cost me £700 some 5/6 years ago, and I can no longer transfer it to another car. This means I have to buy a new adaption. The one like mine costs £770. I simply dont have that available, so I m going for the next one down which will cost me £349. So, my new challenge is to find £349 by the end of March. Will pop back in once Ive sorted out my finances. Its going to be a tall order to find, Im just getting over paying my tax bill and catching up after the snow last month and before Xmas. Will just have to find it, I can not survive without a car thats for certain! Once I know where I am financially I will feel more confident about the next couple of months re outgoings.

beanielou

If you havent had a insurance claim then you may well get the Good Condition bonus which if I remember rightly is £250.

Keeping_Motivated

PAF have you investigated if you are entitled to any grants for the adaption? It seems so unfair that you have to pay for it since its not a luxury its a necessity!

Would Kleeneze pay for it as a goodwill gesture for your disability as you need the car to work for them?

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

PAF have you investigated if you are entitled to any grants for the adaption? It seems so unfair that you have to pay for it since its not a luxury its a necessity!

Would Kleeneze pay for it as a goodwill gesture for your disability as you need the car to work for them?

Hi Km

I am going to investigate a grant however, I dont know if I can put myself through the process of applying for one. As I understand it, they would investigate my finances down to what I spend on a daily basis on milk etc. So, quite a thing to go through. I had to lay myself bear to qualify for DLA in the first place and I found the whole process totally undignified. I will be honest and say I dont know if I can go through a process again where you have to explain the way you are and how you live your life. I had to fight tooth and nail to get business insurance on the car. Originally, motorbility were not going to award that to me. I told them what is it with this country, that I have to fight to want to live a life that others can enjoy without explanation. What is so wrong about a disabled person working their own business and wanting to provide for their dd. I refuse to sit in an armchair all day and "do as Im told". Fortunately, they changed their mind and I do have business cover. Re, the situation now, the guy at the garage today gave the impression that the fact I have a mortgage would not work in my favour re a grant but I need to look into it. I just dont know if I could go through any more of total strangers looking into my every detail, and still possibly turn me down. I have always paid for the adaptions Ive had, the first one cost over £1K, and where I used to live, the local cafe raised some funds toward it. I remember coming out of hospital from having an op on my foot, and they had organised a dance eve to raise funds to go toward it. That helped pay for that one. Still find it amazing they wanted to do that for me! Then this adaption I have now cost £700 and then £200 to fit. And now that one needs to be replaced. Its just that I wasn't expecting it. The harsh fact is the reality is it is very expensive to be a disabled person, and an even worse sin to want to live a life thats normal as possible. Sorry if that comes accross as negative, but its how I feel when dealing with these things. Its not just this, its recent dealings with dds school, the banks when it was snowing, even Kl.

Km, I saw the school family counsellor today. She caught me at a time when I had just come back from finding out about this extra £349 I have to find. She thinks I am depressed and could benefit from anti depressants. I have wondered if Im going down that route at times, depression I mean. I like to consider myself a positive person but the fact is everything feels like a battle, I am really missing my dh, sometimes a record comes on the radio in the car and I can feel myself longing to hold his hand or touch his face just one last time. And I feel so sad hes not here, and its 6 years ago. Dd has cried to me and said we should be a family of 3 and not 2. What do you say to that? God, it made me cry. That was on Sunday. I just dont know if I can take any more battles on. To find £349 myself by end of March, I could just sell another £200 a week between now and then. It is possible. I could do it . I would have to do it.

Kleeneze wouldn't get involved with me and the car. Its another area I am really struggling with if I am totally honest. I love what I do, however in all the time Ive been doing Kl, I'm told the training meetings etc are available to learn from etc. Ive gone to many, made some good friends, but the training is always from distributors who are able bodied, have a partner/wife/husband, and are not single parents. With the best will in the world I can not do what they are doing. This eve Ive been out delivering with dd and we got back at about 8pm. Ive been asleep in the chair since 8.30. Its not as it should be. I know I can be successful at this business, but I can no longer bring myself to get involved at meetings. I just feel anyone with a disability is considered an outcast. Our voices are very rarely heard, and I am sick to death of hearing how other peoiple are building their businesses when my situation is a million miles from theirs. I just feel disabled people in general are over looked enormously. I have put my story forward, it got into the national Kl magazine, I have received awards from the group Im part of, so I realise all that is positive. I just am having an identity crisis in that I dont need to be reminded of what I can't do by listening to people doing things I can never hope to copy. There is only me, if I dont do it no one else will. I wouldnt want there to be anyone else unless it was my dh, and thats not going to happen. My best is simply not good enough. That is the truth.

I hope you are still there Km reading this. I just sometimes feel like Im a round bolt trying to fit into a square hole if that makes sense. Im not sure how to move anything on. And £349 is a hell of a lot of money. Thank you for reading. Am going to bed now. And this is annoying me, my sleep patterns are totally wrong. Everything is not sitting right with me right now. Sorry. Thank you.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

This is becoming a nightmare. Weve got snow again, lots of it. Worse than before I think. I am assuming the school will be closed. Have 172 books to collect today, Maybe because the snow is powdery and not ice, its best to still pick them up. I can but try. If I can not pay my mortgage this month, my bank will transfer me to their collections dept. It would be the first time ever that would be the case in the 22 years I have had a mortgage since I purchased my first property back in my early twenties. This is a total nightmare. I have an order coming that I will not be able to deliver due to the snow, - presumably it will be delayed getting to me because of the snow too -, books I may not be able to collect, bills still to pay and now this £349 looming over the horizon. I just want to run away. I can usually stay calm about the way I am, but I can truely say it is at these times I hate the way I am. If I phone any financial institution there will not be an ounce of appreciation of the predicament this weather has on my situation re my disability. Im basically panicking.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

It is definately the worse its been re the snow. Just looked in my back garden, the snow is higher than the two times before, and its snowing heavily as I type. Oh God, I am powerless. Wondering if I could drive around all the roads I need to with dd in tow collecting books. Will have to try. I have a load of money to pay in at the bank from last eve. Will have to just give it my best shot to get to the banks. Its not just today Im worrying about , its the next week, 10 days when it turns to ice, like last time being housebound for that length of time. Sorry if anyone is reading with me being a moanie minnie, but this is the reality. I will just have to go with the flow, the thing is what I earn from now on in is building up a reserve for my mortgage, and other bills that go out between the 28th of Feb and the 15th March and with this weather it simply wont be happening. Three times in three months. Snow. Thats 12 weeks of income effected. I am still attempting to catch up from the 2 times before. Thats it. No more moaning. Have got to devise a strategy of some kind. Will have to try and get out today. Its powdery so therefore safer, tomorrow onwards it will be ice and I most def cant get out then. I cannot afford to fall over!