Today is a new day!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Scuttsy wrote: »

Haven't read the whole of your diary sorry, but as a Motability specialist at a Nissan dealer thought I could chip in. Motabilty are not the DLA at Blackpool and whilst the grants process is means tested it is nowhere near as exhausting as the DLA procedures and I really would suggest you enquire about the grant. Speak to the grants department directly on 0844 8000900. I am sure you are aware of this but it really seems your best option to get help with the cost and the worst possible scenario is they say no. If they do start asking for too much information surely you can just pull out at that point, all it will cost you is a phone call!

Hi Scuttsy

Thank you for this advice. I have tel this no, they are sending me a grant application. I would need to submit it together with my self assessment tax forms. The adaption is £349, I would have to pay the first £200, and possibly more depending on their decision. The woman on the phone suggested I wait and see what I think of the info they need on the form and take it from there. I am hesitant because such a process leaves you bare and vulnerable. Some stranger knows all about you for the sake of £150 and can then still potentially turn you down. Ive been there, done that when I needed help with my stair lift which was paid for by a charity in the end. I really dont know if I can put myself through that yet again. On the other hand the answer could be yes, and that would be fantastic. I am at the point where I feel hemmed in. Whichever road I take, Im going to be struggling to find £349 or £200 min and having to go through that process. Thankyou so much for your advice. I will let you know what I do!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Here is my update. Yesterday, dd and I managed to go 15 mins drive up the road to the next town where there is not such a bad snow fall. We were able to go to tesco, and the banks with relative ease. Bumped into a customer who lives where I picked my books from on mon. It was snowing in her village that day, and so I took the opportunity to ask her what it was like there now. I have deliveries to do there you see. Apparently, its virtually clear there, so at the very least I am hopeful I can do my deliveries today.

Here, it is sunny today and I am hopeful I can get out with dd this afternoon and pick up some books. None are collected as of yet. We tried yesterday, the first road we went to people were struggling to drive their cars, the snow had compacted to make a lovely ice rink, so we decided to not attempt it. I had some customers kindly contacting me yesterday to not come out as their roads were too dangerous in their view. Today if I can at least collect 50 of the 172 books out there, that would be a start. I am hoping that by waiting till this afternoon it will mean the snow will somewhat melt. Our road here is hardened slush, and still v thick snow on the gardens, DD and a friend are currently building a second snowman in the back garden! The school is closed today.

So, my plan. To shortly feed us all with some lunch, go out with the help off dd and her friend to attempt some book collections. Do some deliveries between 3 and 5 assuming it will be safe to do so as my customer said it would be.

Tom, my parents are having dd for the day. I think it will take me all day to collect my books outstanding, so thats what I will be doing. Assuming its safe to do so. Am hoping it will melt away completely by Mon. Haven't looked at the weather forecast. All the main routes are clear, just the very side roads I need to drive down are currently ice rinks or iced slush.

Trying not to think about the week after next when my mortgage is due. I may be alright by then with good pick ups. Just my bonus which forms a good third of my 4 weekly income will be drastically effected due to this blip, so with having three months disruption, I am not in a good place financially. I am devastated about my situation right now. Bills are covered for next week, what I dont want to be is behind with my morgage payts and not have a car that I can drive. That is the worst case scenario.

We saw a dear friend yesterday whose dd is here today with my dd, and she made me sad as she said it was horrid to see me so worried all the time. The spring cant come a day too soon as far as Im concerned. I feel completely drained with it all.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Ok, progress was made yesterday. I managed to get a lot of deliveries done. The snow has meleted somewhat although the pavements are still a bit tricky with ice and slush. Today, my parents are taking dd out with them, enabling me to collect the 172 books I should have collected on thursday without having to worry about her. I expect to be out all of the day as the pavements are still tricky as I say and will no doubt hold me up.

Am still feeling "on the edge". Calculated yesterday, that over the last 12 weeks, I have lost 5 weeks earning time. If I cant pay my mortgage in full this month, I cant. DD asked me earlier why am I crying all the time Haven't felt able to speak to any prospects, because of just that, I feel so tearful. I know of no one in Kl who is disabled, a single mum and moving up their pay levels. I do wonder if Im kidding myself at times. Am finding it hard to keep up with everything. The school counsellor lady Im seeing wants me to make an appt to see the doc, and Cruise, the bereavement help that is available, Ive just had to make an appt to see the physio, I have 5 weeks worth of work to catch up on, exactly when am i supposed to have time for me and dd and for me do things like go to the gym? Also, inmy money saving mission, I cut out having a friend do my housework every other week, and boy do I miss her. What she could do in 2 hours is probably takingme morelike 3/3and a half and all eats into the weekend and having time to just be. I dont know, Pickle if you are out there, I am in a pickle !!!

Better get on. Have so much to do today and this weekend in general. Just want to run away in truth! I can not get away from this lurking thought in my head, that quite simply my best is not good enough. if it was I would not be here now feeling out of control with everything, would I? I can pretend all I like that all is well, but the simple truth is it isn't, and hasn't been for a long long time.

claire0788

Im sure youll catch up to yourself soon enough P&F, what about asking your parents to help you out a little bit more and you can catch up a bit. Or if your really struggling so you dont get too stressed would it be possible to borrow money from them ?

Verbatim

Hi P & F,

I haven't seen your diary before but will subscibe now.
Of course you're feeling down. You'd have to be a saint and wonder woman rolled into one not to! And of course you are wonderful and saintly to have achieved so much!

Although it's possible you won't meet all your bills this month you have done so every other month. Despite all the obstacles placed in your way. You have a loyal and extensive customer base and every prospect of picking up extra orders once the weather clears.

How about putting your situation in writing to the Halifax and send it to the top. Can't do any harm and I hear the Chief Execs like to know what's happening in the real world to their customers.

Also is there not an emergency payment of Income Support you'd be entitled to, to tide you over, or at least a Crisis Loan? CAB visit or phone call perhaps?

In the longer term could you build up an emergency fund in the good times? I know people say to pay off debt rather than save but having such a fund would save you bank charges for going overdrawn, (if you have internet banking and a savings account with the same bank as current account provider you can check daily and transfer as necessary). It might also provide peace of mind.

I am so impressed with your determination to carve out a good life for yourself and your daughter. I have no doubt that you'll succeed and that this difficult time is just a blip on your journey.

Chocforever

I am so sorry to read you are having a hard time. I feel for you having to get through this stress, and maybe you do need to make some changes, but wonder if now isn't the time to make any big strategic decisions.

Normally you are so, well, positive and focussed about your job. The recent weather has been exceptional and I agree with Verbatim that, if possible, it would be good to build up a few savings over the summer to draw on if the weather gets bad again or you just need some time off.

I hope you have had a better day today. Remember, this is a short term blip. You are doing brilliantly looking after DD, your home and running a business. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Very best wishes.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you for your words of wisdom and best wishes.

Am feeling a lot better today. Was out literally the whole day yesterday, rested every so often in the car for a few mins which makes the day go on a bit, but there was ice about and I have to spread my walking out to avoid the dreaded falling over scenario. however as I collected the catalogues, the clutter in my brain seemed to be less cluttered! I did a lot of thinking driving round in my car, a bit of crying, but mostly thinking.
The good news is that I picked up over £800 in orders and still have books to go back for from some v good customers, so am hopeful that figure will exceed £1K. Assuming I will do that again in my next pick up before thurs, my bonus will only be less by about £100/150 when I receive it in a couple of weeks. And I would have achieved £2K in sales in equiv to 1 week. Now, I was thinking yesterday I could do that every week, 2K in sales, and I would be able to pay all my bills plus the £349 for the adaption plus pay off more debt or initially as you suggest start an emergency fund. The next thing I think though is do I have the energy to do it week in week out. Or would my falling over suffer, and my walking. Anyway, it was good to feel proactive and I do have my team building side of the business. Helping others earn what they are looking to achieve in turn improves all our bonuses, and that would be something to grow over the long term. Yesterday, as I picked up the orders I fell in love with this business all over again. And once again in the car I thanked on high for being able to earn money in this way. I reminded myself that dd and I simply would not be in this little home of ours without it. And I have much to be thankful for.

Moving on, the adaption. I recd the grant application papers yesterday, and as I read what they require, I realised I simply can not go through with it. They want everything, literally, I dont know if they would take my home as being an investment, I would have to check that out, but even if they do not want details of my mortgage, they want everything else, down to anything in my dds name and whether the application is approved or not, everything is kept on their files. For £149K, I would be prepared to do this, but not for £149. They want me to tell them the level of my disability etc and can use this to review my DLA. Thats fine I have nothing to hide, however I know just what an upheaval it was to get. I was 38 when I fell pregnant and I went to the Benefits office to find out about maternity pay. They went through any other benefits I was entitled to, and it was then that I was told I should have been receiving DLA since the age of 18. It couldn't be back dated, but I could apply. Which I did. I was awarded the lower rate, and was v grateful for that and did nothing more. I was the same person then as now, I had fallen over before then, I still tripped, I had the same challenges as now. The only dif wasmy dh was alive.Then when my falling over became more critical being that I had a baby and dh was no longer with me, as he had been murdered, the local East Sussex Disability Assoc became involved. They arranged for rails to be installed in my home, and they were staggered that I had only been awarded the lower rate of DLA. Apparently, they see it happen frequently, and then it is only upped if the applicant appeals. Well, this man at ESDA was adamant I should appeal, and with his help I did, and thats when I was awarded the Motorbility for life. What if I apply for this grant? Not only would the know everything financial about me and my dd, they also reserve the right to take the DLA away from me. I have no doubt if they did I would win an appeal but do I want to put myself through the possibility of that process? Someone somewhere in an office who has never met me has the power to know all about me and make decisions that effect my every day life - all for £149. I cant put myself through that.

Anyone still reading may think Im being OTT about the grant, but believe me, my disability is the result of a whooping cough jab as a baby. Vaccine damage children are the ones who I believe the govt wants to keep quiet. I never recd compensation, nor do I intend to push for it, suffice to say I was written to when I was pregnant to say that the vaccine damage laws had changed and I might now qualify for compensation. So, I applied. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. However, someone who had never met me in an office somewhere wrote back to me saying that he had decided I wasn't a vaccine damage baby after all. He didn't know what caused my disability, just that it wasn't the whooping cough. So, why was I on the vaccine damage list of people I wrote back to him? It stank of a cover up to me! I wrote back asking to see my medical records. Guess what, the first six months of my life - when it happened to me - were missing! So, I am very reluctant to put myself through these processes where I am left vulnerable and in this case info about my dd is required for an adaption totalling £349, of which only £149 would be potentialy funded. I just can not go there!

So, theres a chunk of my history. I am going to move on, and focus initially on covering my mortgage this month, and working hard. I realised yesterday that without my work I do not feel alive, of course dd is v important to me that goes without saying, but my work is what keeps my aspirations, hopes, dreams alive. I just need to find a way to get through this blip. The next two months are going to be v tight financially, just to catch up re the snow - more is forecast for Tuesday here - and with the increased expenses re adaptions etc. Thats it , my essay for the day.

Keeping_Motivated

PAF it makes complete sense why applying for the £149 makes you feel vulnerable and suspicious...you have lived with this for long enough to know what you can and cannot fight for...choose your battles so to speak...and I completely agree with you. You aare the expert on your disability because you live with it so do whats right for you given you know how the system works.

So the question is how to get the £349 together and how soon you need to buy the adaption?

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Verbatim wrote: »

Hi P & F,

I haven't seen your diary before but will subscibe now.
Of course you're feeling down. You'd have to be a saint and wonder woman rolled into one not to! And of course you are wonderful and saintly to have achieved so much!

Although it's possible you won't meet all your bills this month you have done so every other month. Despite all the obstacles placed in your way. You have a loyal and extensive customer base and every prospect of picking up extra orders once the weather clears.

How about putting your situation in writing to the Halifax and send it to the top. Can't do any harm and I hear the Chief Execs like to know what's happening in the real world to their customers.

Also is there not an emergency payment of Income Support you'd be entitled to, to tide you over, or at least a Crisis Loan? CAB visit or phone call perhaps?

In the longer term could you build up an emergency fund in the good times? I know people say to pay off debt rather than save but having such a fund would save you bank charges for going overdrawn, (if you have internet banking and a savings account with the same bank as current account provider you can check daily and transfer as necessary). It might also provide peace of mind.

I am so impressed with your determination to carve out a good life for yourself and your daughter. I have no doubt that you'll succeed and that this difficult time is just a blip on your journey.

Thank you for your comments. Re the Halifax, i don't believe they care at all. I would be interested to know the top mans details to write to, I may just do that, but I have written to the Halifax in general before, many of my charges after my dh situation were due to that situation, my falling over etc. I tel them to see if they would refund a charge in the circumstances and they basically said tough. I have since written to the Halifax explaining my situation since 2003, and they wrote back a standard reply making no reference to the actual content of my letter. If you have the top mans name etc, I may just do that!

Re Income Support, crisis loan, I am not on Income Support. I receive some WTC and CTC, a widows pension which after tax equates to £50 a week approx, Child benefit of £80, the rest of my income is my work income.

Also, I think someone asked about borrowing money from my mum and dad. They are approaching 70 yrs and are still working themselves. Dads pension was drastically effected when Gordon Brown decided to tax pensions. His pension is worth so much less than he had planned it to be hence why he and mum are still having to work. Suffice to say he is v cross about it, says he may as well have put his money under the mattress! It would be worth more by now. I would not want to go to them for a "loan" The most I have borrowed from them before now is £250 for 24 hours. Dad bought it round in the morning, and I gave it back to them later the same day when I had done some deliveries. One of my goals is to eventually be earning so much that I could help them as they get older even if its the occasional day out or something!. I love them so dearly.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

PAF it makes complete sense why applying for the £149 makes you feel vulnerable and suspicious...you have lived with this for long enough to know what you can and cannot fight for...choose your battles so to speak...and I completely agree with you. You aare the expert on your disability because you live with it so do whats right for you given you know how the system works.

So the question is how to get the £349 together and how soon you need to buy the adaption?

Hi KM, well the way Im looking at this is that I have 6 weeks to find the money for the adaption. Two weeks to find the money for the morgage. My focus right now between now and Feb 28th is the mortgage. Then I have a month in order to earn an extra £349, thats equiv to selling another £1500 over 4 weeks which is £375 a week. I usually sell £800 to £1250 a week. I would just need to push the £1500 threshold a week. This week Im on target to sell £2K in one week. With the weather on my side, with a bit of dutch courage, with accepting my energy levels may suffer as a result, Ive got to go for it. And remember why Im pushing myself, to have an adaption which will enable me to continue to work, maintain my independence, and of course the biggest thing of all give my dd a positive, vibrant life to the best of my ability. Thats worth it. Brave words now maybe, but I need to remember it will mean peace of mind at the end of the day. At the end of the day, I need a car to get about. Without being able to drive, I would have to rely on, I cant go there, it doesn't bear thinking about. Plus, of course, I may just get a new team member to help on their way to achieving their dreams. Ive got to stay positive. All this feeling sorry for myself isn't doing any good at all.