Today is a new day!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, although a friend advised me to phone my mum about arrangements for dd I couldn't face it so I took the cowardly way out and decided to text mum and say the next couple of weeks are busy with activities which they are so I wasn't lying. I feel if I can at least give me and dd a break from the situation for what will be 4 weeks by the week after the Bank Holiday then that gives me room to think and make decisions that are calm and right for dd about seeing her granny. My friend approved the text so we agreed it was not horrible, or anything, not that I would send a horrible text but a second opinion is always helpful in terms of how it could be understood by the recipient!! Then within 10 mins my home phone rang and I am not usually at home so dont usually answer but did and it was mum saying she suspected I'm taking dd away from her. On the phone for over an hour I think. She wants me to draw a line under it all but I said it impossible to do that when she has said all that she has and never said sorry and was still in our conversation talking about benefit options, doing charity work instead. She denied she wants me to give up work and then in the next breath says how one of her clients is very happy doing charity work apparently which I am very pleased for but its simply not for me right now and may never be. So, it will always be there, the pressure to change my life. Mum did admit to saying I have a dreadful life and that she has no respect for me but did not see why she should apologise for those comments. It took her around 45 mins to shout sorry down the phone 3 times which I have to give her the benefit of the doubt was meant. She had heard through the grapevine of my award and still couldn't offer a well done without me saying why couldn't she see how well Im doing in this recession against all the odds. Over a year ago, I did feel very low, very low, I may have recorded it on this diary but its that time when I told my mum and sis how low I felt that is coming back to haunt me. They won't let it go, it gets thrown in my face as was the case in this phone conversation but then I said being depressed or at least feeling low is nothing to be ashamed of. Mum said it was because I was low that she told me my life was dreadful. I said what sort of logic is that? She didn't answer. And she would not apologise for agreeing with dad that I make an industry out of my dh murder. I said how on earth do you expect me to draw a line under things said when you obviously still believe that to be true? It will always be part of me. She said I should move on! I said my priority has been my wellbeing and dd's and dealing with the issues and battles which have come my way. Clearly, in 3 years or so when I am dealing with the prosecution service about the potential release of themurderer you won't be concerned at all I asked? Anyway on the more positive side of the conversation I did apologise again for things I have said that I meant but may have come accross more formally than I wanted in text format and thought by saying sorry again to mum it would invite her to apologise too but was wrong thinking that!Apparently, she and my sis have kept all my texts! I said thats good, please print them out and just maybe you will see that all Ive ever tried to do is defend my right to keep going and keep my home and business all the while I can. She said nothing. So, my conscience is clear with mum. I did say I love her, she did say I am amazing but that I do too much and thats why I should look to other options. The word choice came up again. It's all choice. Well mum actually I did not choose to live in the worst recession for a long time, or be disabled as indeed you didn't either or have my dh murdered. I do choose to be the best I can be, keep my home and work and provide dd with a secure future. And why is it alwaysmy choices under the spotlight. You have made choices, sis has. As a family you are supported in those. But the final nail in the coffin for me was mum saying specific family members who have apparently expressed a view about me and if true makes it impossible for me to sit in a room with any of them and trust them. Isuppose I should be flattered that I am the subject of discussion!

The thing is I do get on with my life with virtually no family support. Yes, mum and dad see dd once or twice a week and whilst that did help me with childcare at one time it has now simply become an opportunity for them to see dd and vica versa as they don't ask to see her in the school hols. In fact we could easily live at opposite ends of the country so why they want to have this control over my life is beyond me. Its charities I am forever grateful to for understanding me and believing in me and of course my friends...

On money saving news, I listened to martyn Lewis on Jermey Vines show on Friday and he was talking about saving water , using bath water to flush the loo so me and dd are running an experiment and in our bathroom we now have a watering can filled up after our bath and used for theloo, see how much we save in our water bill! Also, the 12 weeks is up today re PPI. Heard nothing. Have had 2 very confusing calls last week in which I was told it shouldn't take longer than 6 months but the PPI department dealing withmy case do not have any code of practice to follow in terms of timescales! That can't be right I'm thinking!I will be phoning the Ombudsman on Weds if I have had nothing in the post by then.

Dd and I did have a lovely relaxing weekend. Yesterday we runmmaged through a box of things I have kept over the years. My old school reports, photos of dd, photos of dh, love letters from dh which I had completely forgotten about but which were funny to read. The box is still downstairs. Dd is fascinated and there is more to for us to see. It was good to see that in fact the last 25 years of my life have not been dreadful at all, challenging at times but far from dreadful!

Thatsme, off and away to build my business!

brizzledfw

PaF..just delurking here..so sorry that your family are as unsupportive as they are. It would be so nice if they could see this is about your choice (yes that's the word) to live your life as fully as you can. Its their role to support you not control you (regardless of how worthy they think their motives may be)

You're doing so well..just look at that sig! And just keep on doing what you do so well and growing your business

taxi73

How lovely to look back on your memories and share them with your DD.
As for your mum and family..always remember you are doing fantastically without them and everything has to be your choice.You are definitely getting a lot stronger and I'm so proud of you.
Keep your chin up and don't let them grind you down.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you. Just wanted to pop in again today because I felt my post was v negative and I am after all Positive and Focused and that is what I am continuing to try and be! have picked up a terrific amount of orders yesterday. Over £500 which is just great. Seeing my counselling lady later which Is good. Planning to do some ebay tomorrow and follow up the PPI complaint. Most of all planning to be positive and focused and keep going. Decided thats what I have to be and what I want to be as I watched my dd sleeping last night!

taxi73

good for you onwards and upwards

Verbatim

Hi PAF
I've been away for a week so it's great and amazing to come on and read how you've taken control and actually challenged your Mum. It must have taken strength to explain calmy what your side of the story was in detail and with such clarity.. Obviously it's worked and made her face up to having some (a lot of) responsibility for the difficult state of your relationship with her. I never thought you'd get her to say, sorry, shout (!) SORRY.
Well done!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Ok, so saw my counselling lady yesterday and have a worksheet about the "Poisoned Parrot".This has been a revelation to me. Essentially, imagine you have a parrot who is specifically trained to be unhelpful to you, continuously comments on yourlife and criticises you. How long would you put up with the abuse before throwing a towel over the cage? Yet we can put up with the INTERNAL bully for too long and this effects the way we think about ourselves, the world and how we behave! So, the antidote is to learn to ignore the "parrot, and "cover the cage", focus on other things and eventually the parrot will fly away! So, yes my family have hurt me to the very core, albeit I understand well intentioned to an extent in that I know they worry about me, but its been in such a critical way that it has got me down and I have then wondered yet again if I can do what I am doing, If I am mad etc, and its made me feel alone and isolated and thats made the feelings I have about dh situation even more in my face. But more revealing is I am almost as bad as they in terms of knocking myself down! My self confidence and doubting myself, so the key for me is to try and ignore them and me in my self doubting mode or when I get low with tiredness etc or worrying about my dd and look to the future and try and remember that I am doing well, dd is doing great and not knock myself for thinking that we are doing well. Its ok to think you are wonderful! Its good I have goals and believing in myself is key. So, here I am wanting my family to stop their "abuse" but i also need to stop the "abuse" I tell myself too. Such a revelation. So, I am really trying to be kind to myself and firstly I have decided to keep telling myself I love my family but its their problem if they can not treat me as a person with feelings and dreams and ambition and who simply doesn't want their disability to get in the way if I can help it because I am worth it... We all are! My "homework" is to record 3 things this week I can compliment myself on. That will be quite a thing to do!

So, back to the matter in hand of money! I have now filed my PPI complaint with the Ombudsman. Having phoned them, they are sending me out a form today. I intend to complain about the way the complaint has been handled too as today I was advised by the Halifax PPI dept that it should have been resolved within 8 week, not 12, and that makes the information advised today completely different to what I was advised last week and previously. Fortunately, because of the info I am able to tell the Ombudsman they have said they will be looking to get the complaint resolved within 3 months from when they receive my complaint form. Apparently, it would otherwise be a year because of the number of complaints they are having to deal with.

Also, having done some research on this dear website this am on PPI I also took a look on the section of bank charges. I need to do some research on this but I was declined by the Halifax for any refund when I applied even though I explained I felt my case was justified with what was going on in my life in tems of dh murder, my falling over which became a big part of my life, dental surgery I had at the time and physio. I can recall one time dd as a baby in her car seat and I went to a customers house, fell over on their front path, cracked a tooth, grazed my face, fortunately was wearing black so though covered in blood on my legs etc it didn't show through what I was wearing. I had to get me and dd home, my friend looked after dd and plastered me up as best she could while I finished what I needed to get done because I needed to get the money in the bank . ( was I mad or what, no I wasn't the new me says I was simply wonderful!) The next day I managed to get an appt with the dentist and after a number of falls where I damaged my teeth I was a regular visitor to him and to the physio dept at the local hospital. It was why my counselling had to take a back seat at the time and why I am having counselling now. I just couldn't do it all back then, work, look after dd and have all the other appts while dealing with dh murder and do it all on my own. So, even though I thought that was it re the charges, it would seem from the info on here I could pursue it through the Ombadsman so think I will too as I believe my case is a "good" one. So, thats on my to do list to put together so I can send both that and the PPI complaint in together. The Ombudsman will love me!!!But Im thinking nothing ventured nothing gained..

Now I intend to have a bite to eat, then do ebay before collecting dd from school and after a few chores we need to get done, we can cuddle up before her bedtime and watch a dvd or something! Todays my day getting things done at home, will be busy the rest of the week getting those orders in and finding 3 things about me I can feel pleased about!!

taxi73

Well done..you're a star x

InaPickle

PaF, I think you've turned a corner.

Now just keep walking, and all will be fine!

ani*fan

I bet you feel a massive relief once you get that parrot under control. Sounds like good work your doing in counselling. Good luck with it.