Today is a new day!

taxi73

I shut my mum out of my life years ago due to her being so toxic.I had to as it wasn't good for my emotional health to have her in my life.Life has been so much better since.Perhaps you may need to think along those lines as she consumes a lot of your thoughts.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

So, we returned from Newcastle on Friday eve. Such a fantastic place. A lovely time with others who know what it islike to never be free of the stress of a murder situation. Dd had a great time, I did alot of thinking. Realise I need to make considerable changes if my and dd's life is to feel more "normal". Some of the others during the week - the parents - drank socially in the eves. I don't drink, better not to with my epilepsy medication I am on (Haven'thad a fit for many years fortunately) and I realise I need something to help me cope day to day - anti depressants I'm thinking. I have refrained from that option. I'm just aware I feel flat, I'm sure the counselling lady I will be seeing again tom is sick to death of me saying that but I do. I love my dd, I love my business, Ilove my friends but I always feel different, I feel things are a struggle and everything is a battle, and my best is simply not good enough. I wonder how this effects my dd and worry about that. My friend says you are doing it, you are managing, you are keeping going, you are not mad, you are a great parent! but I still just feel flat and mad and sometimes a dreadful parent and seeing how others are coping with their own tragedys made me realise I can't do this on my own trying to pretend Im doing ok when inside I want to curl up in a corner. Since dh was murdered Ive had to battle with being a widow, the trial, then tax credits wanting £6K I didn't in fact owe them, the debt issues, the Social Services re the school, then my walking as the falling became worse, then more recently my family just because I want to keep working while I can. And now, I don't want anymore battles. I just want to live, feel Im doing ok and dd is happy and all is ok. So, I am in charge of my happiness, no one else and I need to take action to ensure I can feel comfortable and confident in myself and if I can do that there will be nothing to worry about re dd because she will be ok too. I agree with you taxi. For now Im best staying away from my parents and my sis because they do nothing for my emotional well being and self esteem. I need to be stronger inside and focus on all the positives in life the best way I can and bash this flat feeling out of me!

On that note, need to get on with work, and look to the future sales I will get!!! No news yet re the PPI, just 1 week till the 12 weeks is up!

beanielou

I dont think that you are depressed.
I think that it is just because of the many challanges that you face in your daily life mainly because of your disability.
The sheer exhaustion is also not to be disccounted ~of the effort of you just moving from a to b.
I think it is difficult for non disabled people to sometimes take on board how challanging life can be.
For you also add in your unsuportive family and the murder of your OH.
It might be best for you to have a wee chat with your GP?
I have to say I think that you cope admirably well with all life throws at you.

InaPickle

Beanielou's not wrong. I think you need some 'you' time. You work, you look after DD, you but when do you ever do anything for YOU? Everyone needs a little time to themselves. Could you leave DD with a trusted friend/neighbour for a few hours one evening a week while you go to do something you enjoy for a little while? You would feel better. Or you could get some sort of therapy (massage, reflexology etc.) but that would cost you some money.

One way or another, I think the having some time to yourself idea is no bad thing. Best of luck discovering what you want to do with it!

mum2one

I totally agree with both beanielou and pickle, you need to try and get sone me time its not being selfish, you do brilliantly, but dont forget what may take someone 5 mins to do for you like me it takes longer.

Just thinking a cheapish treat, - have u got a local college near you that does health and beauty, as they run a salon for the students to train, its under full supervision, at ours a facial is £5, they do evenings as well. maybe when dd goes to her red cross group u could go for a pampering. xx

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Yes, thank you so much for all your suggestions. I will take them on board. In fact Im just going round to a friends for a cuppa in a mo taking time off from work while dd at school, a bit of me time! You are right thoug beanie lou, everything does take longer when you have a disability, just the way it is and it can be overlooked by others how that can impact on the overall day re tiredness and effort. And the reality is with more help available out there if I wasn't to work, I know I am making it harder for myself, but then just because thats the way it is to me doesn't mean I should be treated almost as an inconvenience for working while I can. I can hear my sis voice in my head as I type this saying well everything is a choice, you could give up work and not be so tired. So, I would argue back is it a disabled persons lot to just sit at home ? You have 3 children and complain about being rushed off your feet. I don't sit there telling you well dont have 3 children then! I want to offer my support. In actual fact I toldmy sis my gp did tell me when I asked her if I was doing the right thing keeping on going working its far better to keep as active as possible than not and there may come a day when I can't so its good to keep going all the while I can. And anyway I want to be the best I can be as a person and I feel my work helps me be that. Anyway, I saw my counselling lady yesterday. She also thinks I need to be kinder to myself and I have been set some "homework" to do before she next comes to practice some techniques.
On the family front, it is at that stage where i feel it would be better for dd not to see her granny. From what she comes home saying when shes been there it is clearly not healthy for dd. Even if I was going to do what mum wanted and "see a man about my money" dd doesn't need to be told that by her granny. It will always be me and then the force of mum, dad and my sis. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that all I am doing ismy best, working my business and keepingmy head down to pay the bills and provide a happy life for dd. I think I am being responsible facing up to the trauma of dh, I'm notmaking an industry from him bless his heart. My parents and sis share a different opinion and I can not change that but I can remove myself from the situation. I know I need positive people around me and I know I need dd to feel secure too, not be "used" as an inbetween person between mum and I so to that end I am going to say to my parents that the next few weeks are busy for dd and I so she won't be free to see them. Have a break away from the toxicness of the situation. And this has all come up again as a result of me seeing my sis after the wedding which says to me seeing them again will only bring it all back up and then it is always there so not meeting them is the answer sadly. I do love them all, I just wish they could be supportive and pleased of my accomplishements as I am of theirs.

So, thats me. Thank you and off tomy friends I go!

beanielou

Your mother makes me very very cross.
Have a great day & know that I for one am proud of you & think you are doing a fantastic job on so many levels xxx

mum2one

It sounds like a break away from granny do dd the world of gd, does ur mum + dad actually realise that there doing this? I stopped any contact with my DD other grandparents, it was as much her choice as mine, the gran could accept the situation, but the grandad couldn't and there was snide comments and they would go against what they had been asked she asked not to see them again and its a decision I'm supported.

taxi73

think you do right to keep DD away from your Mum as your poor DD should not be brought in to it.

InaPickle

PaF, what a wise woman you are.

'Nuff said.