Think I am pushing my husband away and dont know why.........

LoopyLinz

Hi All

Dont really know what advice, if any you will be able to offer but I just need to tell someone all of this before I go crazy..........

I know I am pushing my husband away and I have no idea why. We will be married just 2 years in September but have been together just over 7 (we werent previously living together) In the past 8 months we have had a pretty rough time. I have been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and things have been pretty tough, Im only 25 and I have been off work since being diagnosed and while things have been tight we have managed to get by. I should hopefully be returning to work in the next 2 weeks but Im just worried this is going to make things even worse.

Before my diagnosis we were trying for a baby but obviously because of my meds, etc this has all came to a stand still. I want nothing more than to be a mummy and while all my friends seem to be having babies and falling pregnant around me my life has came to a big standstill which revolves around my stupid stupid arthritis. I have just learnt how to inject myself and I hate it, I hate the fact that because of this stupid syringe full of 'liquid' I cant be a mummy. I know that sounds so silly when I write it down but my life just seems like there is no purpose in it.

My hubby says he understands how I feel but he cant possibly because he just seems to get on with it, his moto is sure we have loads of time and I know he is probably right but that doesnt help me right now. We have just got a little doggie which has helped a bit, hes my substitute baby but he doesnt answer all the people who seem to find it ok to ask when we will be having kids.

The physical side of our relationship is now non existant and I know that it is my fault, every night I push my husband away and I have no idea why I do it. I know this makes him feel bad and in turn it makes me feel even worse about myself. I seem to have spent the past 8 months on the verge of tears.

Sorry this has turned into a big ramble, wont win positive post of the week anyway! I do feel slightly better for getting it all off my chest so thank you for listening

Linz xox

lynzpower

Hello darling

I honestly have been where you are, it is 100% awful I had gynae conditions -dreadful pain, fainting bleeding etc. I was so bloody angry about it. It really was the worst time, he was basically my carer, i lost my job, skint.

I too got very hung up on children thing, and was convinced it wouldnt happen and I kept saying really nasty things to OH like " go and find someone else " etc. I was just so angry about it.

I know you are worried about working but honestyl i think it will be a lot better for you if you approach it positively.

Being ill and at home makes you feel like you are losing your identity, makes you feel like you have lost out on life and makes you inward looking.

Once I started working again Ive not loked back. I still ahve off days, and Ive just been in hospital for some more treatment, but Ive been back at work now for over 18 months. Just going out and having an identity- basking in what you do have- other than focusing on what you "dont" have,

It honestly sounds so trite, but one bit of advice I can give is to steel up when your asked about having children . try practising in the mirror,. " We cant start a family just get due to my health, but we are looking forward to it ."

You might want to consider doing some child mentoring or similar with children in need in your area, it might help you channel your energies in that department.

Sending you hugs, I really have been there its so grim, but chin up

xmaslolly76

I'm really sorry to hear about your illness chick.

I personally think you need to focus on getting on top your illness and your relationship then look into starting a family just because you are suffering with something doesnt automatically mean you cant have children in the future it just means you will have to very well prepared. You are probably a little depressed as well have you spoken to your doctor about the way you are feeling it must be so hard to cope with at your age after all it is thought of as an elderly persons ailment it must have knocked you for 6 when they told you so it is understandable you are feeling low and angry and pushing your partner away.

I hope you can start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel soon :-) x

MrsTinks

Others will be along with hugs and the like in a minute I have no doubt I don't really do hugs so practical advice instead: Pick up the phone, call the GP and get an appointment and show them the post above... You need to talk to them about how you feel! Not only could it be a side-effect of the medication but it sounds like the start if nothing else of depression to me - however I'm no GP and you really need to get them to talk to you and check it's not your meds
You're only 25 - I've just had my first baby at 29 1/2 and I know plenty of others who have had their first baby (my step mother included!) in their mid/late thirties so please don't let it stress you

Tonight when your hubby comes home sit him down to a nice meal, and tell him what you have told us - explain how it's all made you feel and that you know you're pushing him away but you can't help it. Ask him to be there for you and help support you whilst you get over this little speedbump

He married you for better or worse, sickness and health.... and it sounds to me like he's a jolly nice chap!

Hang in there and call the GP!

busiscoming2

It must feel like your world has come crashing down around you. I agree with MrsTine about telling your hubby exactly how you feel. I am sure he feels you are in this together.

I know it is no consolation but as others have said - you are still young.

Sending hugs to you, things can only get better.

LoopyLinz

I just wanted to say a big thank you for your replies. You have no idea how much better I feel having got all of that off my chest.

I agree that I need to sit down and tell DH honestly how I feel, but not tonight. I think I need to get things sorted in my own head or else they just all come out wrong and he thnks Im just having a bad day..............not a bad 8 months! As for the doctor, well I always feel like there are people with a lot more problems than I have and I dont want them thinking I am wasting their time. Goodness knows they have spent enough of it on me in the past 8 months.

I did try to talk to my mum a few weeks ago and her exact words were that I needed to 'pull myself together and get over it' which made me think that I was just being a bit of a drama queen and maybe I should just keep quiet.

I am thinking that perhaps going back to work will be a positive step, if nothing else it will give me less time to sit around and think. If I am being totally honest I dont think I have ever really properly came to terms with my arthritis, I seem to have got to the angry stage and its like Im stuck here and can go no further and I know that for my sanity I need to move past it, just trying to work out how at the minute.

Am going to have a little browse around the net to see if I can find somewhere I can create an online blog/journal, if nothing else it might help me get things off my chest and stop me going crazy.

Linz xox

RedBern

don't know where you live but find out (prob via your GP) if there's an 'expert patient' programme in your area. It is a group of people - like yourself - who are having to deal on a day to day basis with an illness, and who need support and can also offer support to others to help manage their condition. If there is a group near to you, I'm sure you'll find someone of a similar age to you who's living with the condition, and perhaps get some support.

You'll probably feel better once you're back at work at have other stuff to think about. (reading that back it seems trite,:o but it isn't meant to be, just when you're at home all day sometimes things get out of perspective)

pinkshoes

Is it humira you're injecting for the arthritis? Learning to inject yourself and dealing with the arthritis, plus the fact you can't have a baby whilst on the medication is a HUGE thing to deal with, so be open with your husband, communicate, and let him know it's not him that's causing your pain.

Errata

I did try to talk to my mum a few weeks ago and her exact words were that I needed to 'pull myself together and get over it' which made me think that I was just being a bit of a drama queen and maybe I should just keep quiet.

You come across as being far too capable to indulge in being a drama queen. I wonder if you and your OH are struggling a bit just now because your lives have been turned upside down by your arthritis ? You both have quite a big adjustment to make, about the illness and your futures.

I think your idea of writing a blog is quite a good one. Had your thought about writing it so it reads like your letter to the world "Dear World, today was total shoite because blah blah blah", and letting your OH read it ?

Something that sometimes works for people is to write about what's happening to them from the perspective of something else. eg - the goldfish "My god, you should have seen the state of her this morning. Late for work, bad tempered, and rushing around so fast the water was slopping over the side of my tank. I know she's finding it hard to cope with her blah, blah, but purrrrrlllease lady - have a thought for dumb animals".

I'm sure you get my drift. It's surprising what people can write as a goldfish that would feel difficult if they were writing as themselves.

HTH

savvy

I'm not soppy and I don't usually say this, but hugs to you

On the people asking when you're going to start having a baby, I'm guessing they don't know your problems and the reason why? In that situation I'd probably just say 'When it arrives'

On pushing your husband away, it maybe because you're feeling really down at the mo and possibly stressed a bit with all that's going on, and maybe you just need the hugs and not the other IYSWIM

With relation to your condition, have you considered researching it a bit further and looking at links to nutrition and raw food, there's a fair bit of research out there to go through, but quite good results.

I wish you the very best of luck in life

teacherandmum

as i was reading your post it sounded so familiar as this is how i started treating my husband towards the end of last year - i lead a very busy life and we'd just moved house and i had been unwell. i went to see the doctor and just cried and cried. i felt so stupid as i always think i'm such a strong person but i knew i was treating my husband badly and our relationship was suffering. it really sounds like a mild form of depression. i was given the lowest dose of citalapram and had 6 weeks of councelling. I'm so much better and our relationship is back on form. we want to try for another baby but can't while i';m on the tablets . that's annoying but i understand i'm not in the best mental health at the moment and that wouldn't be best for a baby.
go and see the doc or perhaps the practise nurse. just tell them everything - be open to their suggestions
good luck