Advice re Stepson

Cats_pajamas

I agree with Dora that 'It's a tough situation all round by the sound of things, perhaps all you and your OH can do is behave decently towards him, as you have done so far'. My OH had a mixed up childhood and it has sort of left him with bad connections. He just didn't learn certain things - like how to value money, advice, small pleasures in life, anticipation. He has lots of good qualities though...There is nothing in my life as important as family and he doesn't have that and I really wish he did.
Do your best to keep the lines of communication open so that this young man can turn to you when he is ready but be clear with him if he is getting things wrong or being mean. So many of us are so thoughtless even in our twenties. It sounds as though you are making all the right moves. Good luck

gk172

Why dont you buy your other half a cheap payg mobile even if it is just for his son to keep in touch, maybe the son feels guilty talking or texting you when its his dad he really wants to talk to hence lack of communication. Or maybe even the son doesnt really want to see his dad as youve said the last time he got in touch he wanted information and avoiding texts is so easy to do or i could be wrong altogether.

As for cards etc i have an 18 year old living away from home and she was happy to come up and celebrate xmas day and take away her pressies (without thanks) and meet for her birthday and get her pressies but no card or pressie for xmas or birthday when mine is the day after hers it just seems to be the way of some teenagers, whats important to us is irrelevant to them we have differant importanties.

wayne

if your OH ex has been filling his head with all sorts of rubbish about his dad you will just be confirming what shes said if you ignore him.maybe he has to be careful about getting in touch.(just coz he,s in his twenties doesn,t mean his mum doesn,t run his life

JadedOne

Jilly - I think your other post re your step son and excluding him from your oh's will and saying that everything is to be left to your children and making sure step son has no right to contest will speaks volumes.

twink

JadedOne wrote:

Jilly - I think your other post re your step son and excluding him from your oh's will and saying that everything is to be left to your children and making sure step son has no right to contest will speaks volumes.

it sure does

Spendless

I had no idea what you both meant so I looked and yes see what you mean. I also notice back again we are back to the 'won't change his name'. :rolleyes: .

I actually find all this very sad :sad:

aliasojo

gilly41 wrote:

Also I just wondered if anyone could advise re stepson. OH hasnt seen his son for years until very recently and he has had his name changed(hubby didnt give permission) when he was 12 years old(he is now 22). OH asked him if he intended keeping his stepdads name and he said that he is going to get it changed "soon"----ummmmmmm!!Stepdad left his mum years ago! Apparently his name has been changed on everything---driving licence, school certificates, passport---god knows how his mum managed to get it done without hubbies consent!!!

Anyhow to cut a long story short hubby doenst want his son mentioned in the Will. Now, if we were to die and it is left to my kids(who are similar age to his son) could he contest the Will? Sorry to sound morbid but I just wondered.
Thanks
XX

I've been reading this thread with interest and I too checked your other posts. I feel really sorry for this lad.

He has had a disrupted childhood and the very adults who are supposed to love and care for him are the very ones who have used him as a tool.

Two wrongs don't make a right. His Mother was completely in the wrong for not allowing access but you and his Dad haven't exactly fought tooth and nail to change things. I do accept you did make an effort, but it wasn't enough and this text message stuff is a cop out. Regardless of the issues and difficulties surrounding the phone calls, you could have called him.

If the situation was in reverse and your husband had your kids now and you wanted to see them and he wouldn't let you.......how hard would you fight about that?

The lad has hardly seen you or his Dad much since he was a kid, he's hardly likely to embrace a full on relationship just like that. Instead of understanding that, you seem more concerned about the issues you and your husband have and how you two are affected.

This is your husband's son. That wont change whether he sees the lad or not. The lad's surname is a trifle, would you be as annoyed if the lad had changed his name himself to something entirely different through his own choice? I can just about understand you not wanting the lad to get a huge chunk of his Dad's estate, especially with you having your own kids. He seems like a stranger to you compared with your own. To have him excluded and not mentioned at all is an utter disgrace and you and your husband should be ashamed.

I sincerely hope the lad gets on with his life and forgets the lot of you.

trafalgar_2

I've just done the same as Aliasojo and read all the posts ,was just about to put my twopenneth in but it has been done for me ...................well said Aliasojo and good luck to the boy

trippy

I haven't read ALL the posts, just a couple of pages. I would just like to say that a parent's love is supposed to be unconditional although I'm sure there are many levels of behaviour from children that will challenge this. I have 2 very young children and I've no doubt I will face many challenges from them when they are growing up and have grown up. But I am also a daughter who is not unconditionally loved by her mother. So it is my solemn vow that my children will be unconditionally loved, no matter what. Big words.

But the fact of the matter is that children should be loved unconditionally by their parents yet parents cannot expect this back from their children. Instead they have to earn the respect of their children. It's not fair but it's life. Your OH should not indulge in tit for tat behaviour. Your step-son does not need to get involved in all the wranglings of what went on when his mum & dad split up. He just needs his biological dad there for him when he needs him. In the words of a true teenager "he didn't ask to be born!"

With regard to your attitude towards him you should treat him as though he is your own son. If you and your OH split up, you would want his new partner to treat YOUR children the same way. My step-mum is adamant she treated us the same as her children but I can say hand on heart that she didn't. I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, being a step-parent must be extremely difficult. But you and your OH can't take out resentment towards his ex on this boy.

I feel sorry for all of you, it's a difficult situation but I think you should be patient with him. He didn't ask to be in the situation he is in.