Advice re Stepson

gilly41

Hi
I have a stepson who is 22 years old.To cut a HUGE story very short I met his dad when he was 9 and within months of OH and I meeting my OH ex took it upon herself to stop my OH seeing his son. She had left OH for another bloke(whom she went on to marry and then he left her!) but didnt want OH getting on with his life! She didnt want him but didnt want him to meet anyone else!!When I came on the scene she "punished" him by stopping him having access

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as I say it is a huge story but that is the basics of it!!Despite OH fighting to see his son it just didnt happen and he never saw him for about 10 years---til he had turned 18!!! He then turned up one day out of the blue!! He told his dad then that his surname had been changed to that of his then stepdad and that his name on all his documents---passport, driving licence etc were in his new name.To this day we have no idea how his ex managed to do this without OH consent----but hey she did!!!!!
Through all this OH paid maintenance for him til he left Uni aged 21(last year)----it was ok for him to pay to keep him but not ok for him to keep his dads name!!!!

Anyhow when he was 18 he came back to see his dad and he called very occassionally after that. Dad asked him about him getting his name changed back and my stepson said he was sorting it out!!!!!!
Last summer he called again(out of the blue---this time 18 months had elapsed since his last visit) and asked me for some info as he was hoping to join the police and needed some details from me. I was happy to help him out and not long after it was his birthday and I got him concert tickets for him and his dad to see this group which I knew he liked. Then Xmas came and I went and got him lots of nice things---- he called round to get them and that was that. We havent heard from him since. No Xmas card, no little pressie(despite him having a full time job)---nothing. He drives past our street each day to go to work----never calls in!!!
Then today he has just texted to say"can I call over----just thought I would see how you all are?????"
Now, am I wrong to think that at 22 and with a full time job an Xmas Card to his dad would have been nice???OH says dont bother replying to the text as he cant be bothered with him anymore.
What do you all think?
I have 2 kids myself(22 and 20) and even if they had no spare cash they would have managed to send us Card!!!!
Not sure if ignoring him is the right thing to do though!!!
xx

jenniferpa

I don't know what I would do in this situation. As you say, a card doesn't seem too much to ask. However, from what you say it's entirely possible he's had a strange upbringing. Kids don't learn how to behave unless they're taught, and they don't learn to care about other people unless they've been cared for.

Jennifer

Bossyboots

Tricky one.

My first thought is that you should respect your OH's request not to reply to the text.

Another part of me thinks this is a fragile relationship and neither of them really know how to handle it or what is expected.

However, I do agree about the absence of a Christmas card and the cynic in me wonders what it is that the son wants this time that has spurred him to call.

Youngsters can be selfish and thoughtless and it may just be that but it does seem to be from what you say that he is willing to take but not to give back. It may be that you need to just give him a little push by perhaps reminding him when his dad's birthday is or giving him a list of family occasions.

If it was me, I certainly would not be buying him any more pressies until he can show that the relationship is not one sided.

twink

i can agree with that having been a stepdaughter, when my mother died when i was two i was brought up by my grandparents and saw my father three times a week so that he was more like an uncle, when i was ten he remarried and i was taken to stay with him and stepmother which wasnt very nice, my father was a very nice man but didnt do much to help me settle in, i think the time we had apart made it difficult for us to care about one another and all my life waited for him to tell me he loved me, to me my grandfather who brought me up from two was my father. hope i havnt rambled on and that it has helped

gilly41

Hi
Thanks for all those replies--please keep them coming!!
Yes he has had a very strange upbringing

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she had him calling his stepdad "dad" for 8 years---despite my stepson telling me he disliked his stepdad but was made to call him dad!!!!!
Also his mum is very very odd!!She didnt want OH but as soon as he met me she caused no end of trouble. She married her then boyfriend who left her after a few years and then she called round to our house(after OH and I had been married 3 years if memory serves me correct) and asked OH how him and I were!!! Meaning " I am free if you want to come back". She is very very odd!!! And she has obviously brought stepson up to have her beliefs.
I just find it all very hard as my kids have always had contact with their dad and my OH and him have always been on friendly terms---as the kids came first!
The strange thing is it is his dads birthday tomorrow----is this why he has texted?
OH has just said again that he doesnt want me to reply as he cant be bothered with all the hassle.
His son texts me as hubby doesnt have a mobile---- though he does have our home number if he wanted to call!!
x

Trow

You know - he is 22 and wasn't able to see his dad for a long time, no fault of his own. Okay, he is an aduly but he is probably having to work through his own issues regarding his family - some people don't deal with stuff until their parents die.

I think it is really important for him to know that his Dad and you are there for him if he needs you. Not for money or gifts, but for support, for a chat, for a cup of tea. My OH has not been able to see his son for ten years and if he came along I would do everything I could to welcome him and make him feel like he has a place here.

Christmas cards - you know, who cares? It is entirely possible that he has grown up in a home that places little value on commercial cards - I know I don't really care one way or the other if I get a card or not, and don't give out a huge number either. I think to put much focus on something that is a) ecologically unfriendly b) overpriced tat and c) ultimately dumped is misguided.

He's family, he's probably mixed up and chances are he needs his Dad. I think you should welcome him unless he really does take advantage - and what I have read doesn't add up to that IMO.

I'mcomingbackasaman

gilly41 wrote:

Hi
Thanks for all those replies--please keep them coming!!
been on friendly terms---as the kids came first!
The strange thing is it is his dads birthday tomorrow----is this why he has texted?
OH has just said again that he doesnt want me to reply as he cant be bothered with all the hassle.
His son texts me as hubby doesnt have a mobile---- though he does have our home number if he wanted to call!!
x

Sounds like your caught between the two of them loyalty towards OH and feelings of anger/confusion towards your stepson. Couldn't you text your stepson back and say it would be great to see him again and if he's calling round to see his dad, remind him it's his birthday tomorrow, this should give him a nudge as regards a Birthday card (possibly present as well if he's not spent up till pay day!!).
At the end of the day I'm sure your OH would be happier if he knows what his son's up to no matter whether he sees him once a week, once a year etc. I agree with the previous posts about teenagers being selfish about their time and what they choose to do with it. Maybe stepson is maturing and realises he's not seen your OH for a long time ...there's only one way to find out - that's to see him.
I remember when I didn't visit my mum very often when I was younger, she would make such a big fuss by saying, Your here are you, lets roll out the red carpet ... in a sarcastic half humour/half serious voice so I knew I'd left it a bit long since my last visit but she soon warmed to me again when we got talking. Hope you manage to have a happy ending to it all.

gilly41

Thanks Trow for your views.

Why would you think he still calls himself by his stepdads surname if he "disliked" him so much and he has been out of his life for X amount of years?
This is the issue which my husband raises----and when he has asked his son he says he is "sorting it" but never does.
Can you understand that?
I know that this has hurt my OH -as I am sure you will appreciate.
He is also in a family that puts a huge emphasis on material things

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his mum is very OTT re Xmas!!
x

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Hope this helps - it might be he had no say in having his name changed, and is sick to death of the whole thing. He may not have a particularly good father/son relationship with his stepdad and hasn't had much practice at being a son. If his mum is a bit, err umm - he might take after her, and of course you're never going to find out what she's said to him about your OH as he was growing up. It's a tough situation all round by the sound of things, perhaps all you and your OH can do is behave decently towards him, as you have done so far - supporting him through uni etc. and hope for the best.
Good luck.

Spendless

He might have got used to using his new surname and doesn't really wish to change it, just cos it's what his friends etc know him by. He may not see the surname issue in the same light your OH does, just the hassle of telling everyone he's got a new name. No offence intended here but I always disliked my maiden name (always had to spell it) and was glad I changed it when I married. You may have a name that he's just not keen on (unusual, difficult to spell etc).

With regards to the xmas cards some people are not big on cards, that's just the way they are.

I wish you the best

TIGs

gilly41 wrote:

Thanks Trow for your views.

Why would you think he still calls himself by his stepdads surname if he "disliked" him so much and he has been out of his life for X amount of years?
This is the issue which my husband raises----and when he has asked his son he says he is "sorting it" but never does.
Can you understand that?
I know that this has hurt my OH -as I am sure you will appreciate.
He is also in a family that puts a huge emphasis on material things

---

his mum is very OTT re Xmas!!
x

Maybe even at the age he is he still doesn't like upsetting his mum. I have problems with my partners son although hes only 12 but he feels if he gets on well with me hes betraying his mum, because thats how shes made him feel.

Maybe having a different name doesn't really matter to him but the fact that hes in contact with his real dad does, maybe he can't afford to have his name changed back, have you thought of saying you'll help to pay for his name changing? maybe it means more to you and his dad than it does to him and he doesn't realise.

His son has probably had a totally different upbringing i know things that i do with my kids re christmas birthdays etc are totally different to what my partners ex does. Some of the things i just can't believe eg They don't have a stocking for santa to fill lol but we're all different.