Advice re Stepson

Trow

gilly41 wrote:

I have told him how it makes his dad feel----as I say I havent written the whole story here as i would have been typing all day!!! so I appreciate it isnt too clear to some posters!
When I explained he said he understood how hurt his dad was and then months later everything is back to square one!!! I text--he doesnt reply so i text again and still no reply. Then months later I get a text out of the blue saying can he call???? When I ask why he didnt reply to me a few months before he says he was busy????

Ok - so *you* explained how your OH feels.

Should it not be down to your OH to talk to him and tell him how he feels? And maybe find out how his son feels? It seems that this is very one sided - not ONCE have you mentioned anything about how the son might feel about everything that happened, or have spoken about having discussed his feelings with him. Maybe being told that his Dad feels hurt but not getting a chance to tell his Dad how he feels (as a young man this will probably not be easy for him) made it difficult for him to retain contact - maybe he felt bad, maybe he didn't know how he felt - maybe he has been spending this time trying to figure out what he wants out of this relationship?

It seems to me that all the focus has been put on what the son hasn't done, what the son should have done, what the son has done wrong - has he had a chance to do anything right? Has he done anything right that you haven't mentioned? Has he had the chance to emotionally come to terms with everything (including being told by someone else how his dad feels)?

I am not trying to have a go at you or your OH here, but it really seems to me that your feelings and OH's feelings have a huge priority here - but the son is way down the list. I can understand why you are trying to protect your OH, and why is is being protective - but you know life is short and if you don't do what you can now to build some sort of relationship you and he may regret it later.

As for the problems with access - that issue is irrelevant here - that is to do with your stepsons mother, and not the stepson himself.

I think hollydays has it right. The kid needs to know he is wanted and loved and I would be surprised if he did at the moment. Let him know that - all these petty issues don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

gilly41

Thanks Trow for your advice

---

as you will appreciate there is a lot more to it than mentioned here but we have made an effort to show him he is loved.
I think after I have texted a few times and get no reply what am I suppose to think??? After we asked to go to his graduation and then never heard anything till it was all over ----again what should we think??
Is this not making an effort??

Hubby went back to court several times to try to see him---so the fact that he never saw his dad when he was growing up wasnt down to my OH----as you know it was down to his mother!!

Dora_the_Explorer_5

gilly41 wrote:

Thanks Trow for your advice

---

as you will appreciate there is a lot more to it than mentioned here but we have made an effort to show him he is loved.
I think after I have texted a few times and get no reply what am I suppose to think??? After we asked to go to his graduation and then never heard anything till it was all over ----again what should we think??
Is this not making an effort??

Hubby went back to court several times to try to see him---so the fact that he never saw his dad when he was growing up wasnt down to my OH----as you know it was down to his mother!!

You mention contact by txt quite often in your posts. I don't understand why your OH doesn't telephone him and have a conversation with him on a regular basis, rather than txt messages which by their nature are brief and can't be dynamic. If you told him you would like to attend his graduation and nothing was happening, again I don't understand why your OH didn't speak to him on the telephone and ask him what was happening with the invitations?
I think both your OH and his son are struggling with their relationship because there has been no contact for so many years. I understand the court preventing contact - for whatever reason - but that order would have ceased at 18 and there seems to be no sign of either of them falling into each other's arms at that point.
I think this looks like something that your OH and his son have to sort out themselves without any input from you, it's their responsibility and their right.

gilly41

Thanks Dora.
This is the only means of getting in touch as stepson is not allowed(yeah i know!!) to give out his home phone number! and our phone has a block on for mobiles(that was put on years ago when the kids lived here and I have never got it lifted).
He does have our home phone number and we always say ring whenever but he never does! Hope that makes it clearer. As I said before his mum has had a lot of "control" over him and I can only assume she still doesnt want him to give his dad the house number(stepson lives at home with his mum!)
x

hollydays

Get the block on mobiles lifted!

gilly41

Why should we lift the block on mobiles when we could ring him on his house number ? I am on a 24/7 contract with NTL that allows calls to any UK phone at a set monthly price. Mobiles arent included in this that is why my kids ring me from a call box at Uni and i return their calls

Spendless

gilly41 wrote:

Why should we lift the block on mobiles when we could ring him on his house number ? I am on a 24/7 contract with NTL that allows calls to any UK phone at a set monthly price. Mobiles arent included in this that is why my kids ring me from a call box at Uni and i return their calls

Because you don't have his house number cos his mother doesn't want him to give it out and since its her house and her rules and quite likely she pays the bills, that's something stepson will have to obey by whilst he lives there. Because you are complaining about stepson and his actions and attitudes but are not prepared to lift ringing mobile restrictions from your phone.
Turning it around why should stepson change his surname for someone who can't be bothered to change their phone so they could ring him on his mobile

twink

the lad has lived all his life with his mum, is that right, so he will be very much under her control it seems. i think it would be a good idea for father and son to talk things over themselves away from either house and any other influence, but i feel the invitation should come from his dad and they can sort out what kind of relationship they want together.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

gilly41 wrote:

Thanks Dora.
This is the only means of getting in touch as stepson is not allowed(yeah i know!!) to give out his home phone number! and our phone has a block on for mobiles(that was put on years ago when the kids lived here and I have never got it lifted).
He does have our home phone number and we always say ring whenever but he never does! Hope that makes it clearer. As I said before his mum has had a lot of "control" over him and I can only assume she still doesnt want him to give his dad the house number(stepson lives at home with his mum!)
x

Perhaps you've identified the problem. If he's always requried to telephone you, but your contact with him is by txt asking him to call - he might be feeling slightly peeved and pressurised. If it costs your OH extra to actually speak to his son on the telephone - then it's for your OH to decide whether the cost is worth it or not. A PAYG mobile is cheap to buy and run if conversations are kept short and both OH and son take it in turns to call each other. Sorry - can't think of anything else to suggest, except that parents go the extra mile for their kids without expecting anything in return.

Trow

I truly don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems to me that you, gilly41, are taking a too-active role in the relationship between father and son, and this is an important relationship. It seems that whatever anyone here says (based on the information you have provided) doesn't take into account the next bit and the next bit that you add on - again nothing of any real substance. Nothing that really matters in the whole scheme of life. You don't seem to be taking on board anything that anyone says, other than in a 'I hear what you are saying, but' way.

This is a young man - when I was his age I had very little contact with my parents - I lived way from home and only really spoke to them if they phoned me. I wanted to be with friends rather than family, out partying rather than Sunday lunches. It was only abouy 5 years later when I had kids of my own that I really began to appreciate them and phone them some of the time. But my parents were always there for me if I needed them.

My advice for what its worth - let the kid see his dad, let your OH see his son and don't get into the middle of it until some of the distance has gone and any healing that is needed (from both sides) is well under way. Be there for your OH and be there for his son should the son want it - but do not get in between them.

I wish you all well in this - it will be hard for you all but I think it has to be worth it, I can't imagine ever not wanting to heal a rift with my own child and I think they will both benefit in the long term from getting to know one another again. Good luck.