Advice re Stepson

ms_london

It does sound as though he is keeping in touch for purely what he can get out of the pair of you!!

I am pleased that your OH tried to get in touch, as my dad had an affair whilst mum was pregnant with me. My dad had no interest in ever seeing me, and never paid my mum maintenance. When my mum met my step dad (also with 2 kids), he adopted me, so they had to sought my dads permission. He gave it. 23 years down the line I decided to track my dad down, still havent met him, but did speak to him regularly for a bit (and his new wife and step daughter), but I am so angry that he never tried to contact me. Especially when my mum stayed in the same area, as did the rest of her family (near where his parents lived) so he could have found me easily enough.

Sorry perhaps I should start my own thread, it just angers me!! I wish I hadnt bother "finding" him to be honest. The worst thing is, he doesnt understand why I am so angry!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

On another note, my step sis decided to go and live with her mum when she was 14 (after having lived with her dad all of her life) purely because she thought her mum would give her X,Y,Z!! My sis soon realised that her mum might have had the cash, but she doesnt have a motherly loving bone in her body (and has since gone on to have another child, now 13, who she also, never sees!!).

Makes you wonder why some people have kids!!

Sorry. Rant over. Best of luck with your situation.

At the end of the day though, you are the adults and your step son the child (despite him being 22!!). Perhaps he is going through a bad patch & is playing up. I dont think you should ignore the text, but also, not give in & buy him stuff when he demands it - perhaps then he'll realise that he needs to grow up.

Us step kids arent all bad :0) xx

rchddap1

My 2 step daughters are fantastic and I love them to bits. And their Dad is 100% dedicated to them as well. If it were a choice between me and them....well.... no contest. So not all Dads don't care.

muddled_midget

As some of the others have noted on here, I'm confused about why the surname issue is such a big deal to you and your OH. He may have his ex-stepdad's surname, but he did live with this man for a number of years, whether they always got along is a different matter, but if I was him I wouldn't fancy telling you and OH with your opinions that the guy had been a great dad?! And your OH may be his biological father, but they missed out on ten years together, you can't put that right overnight. I think you've probably got a long way to go before your stepson will even consider changing his name back.
Sorry if this is harsh, maybe the subject is just a little close to home
MM

ms_london

I have the surname of my step-dad. Just because I know who my real dad is now & have spoken to him - there is NO way on earth I would consider changing my name!! Your parents are the people who have bought you up - my "dad" might as well have been a one night stand for all I care as he's done b*ggar all to help towards my upbringing. Thankfully my mum had family around her to help!! I think its wrong that he didnt contribute a penny. I wish my mum could get some "back pay" out of him, hehe!! xx

gilly41

Hi
Thanks for all the replies

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there is a lot more too it all than i have put on here(as i said a HUGE story). Hubby went back to court SEVERAL times to get access---he used to turn up and notes stuck to the door that they had gone away for the weekend. He would go and collect him from school(as per the order) only to find his mum had collected him! When he went round to the house there was no sight of them

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and this is only the tip of the iceberg! As I said a very very long story! So my OH did try his best!!
He also maintained him for 21 years(yeah right as someone has pointed out this is his duty---which I appreciate only too well BUT why accept money from OH when his ex clearly didnt want OH to have anything to do with his son). And why change his name and call her ex dad when she was still accepting money off my OH!!! I hope you can see my point----our money was good enough but hubby was not ok to be his dad!!!! To those who think OH has clearly disowned his son I hope this makes it clearer. HE DID FIGHT TO SEE HIM!!!

gilly41

He had his dads name til he was 12 and then got it changed "legally" to that of his then step dad. How did his ex manage this without my OH consent? And what right did she have to do this?

I can fully understand MS London as you never knew your dad.
x

Spendless

gilly41 wrote:

He had his dads name til he was 12 and then got it changed "legally" to that of his then step dad. How did his ex manage this without my OH consent? And what right did she have to do this?

x

No idea and she probably didn't but for the past 10 years it's been the lads name and now people are wishing him to change it again. As I've already said there may be various reasons for him not wanting to, from not wanting the hassle of changing it, him being known by his current surname by his friends/old schoolchums/workplace perhaps even that he likes the sound of his name rather than his 'real' one.
As a parent I totally understand the reason for a surname being a big issue but in this case I really think you need to leave it alone and concentrate on your relationship with him instead.

hollydays

You know an awful lot of people who go through a split will understand what went on here.There are 2 sides to every story,everyone puts their own slant on it.All our kids need lots of love.

UKTigerlily

I'm so sorry to hear how your Stepson is behaving. My Stepdad was married before he met my Mum & when he & his ex split he had to take her to court to get access to his Stepson & Stepdaughter, they were under two when he met their Mum & they never see their biological Dad. They call my Stepdad 'Dad', he took them on holidays, had them at weekends, he IS their Dad. Now they're 23 & 24, my Stepsister has two little girls of her own & neither of them visit, send cards etc, neither does my brother, it's very sad but just how some people are. All I can think is maybe after not seeing his Dad for so long, he doesn't think of him as more than a friend/uncle type & so doesn't treat him as a Dad? Maybe he's finding it difficult after so many years, I don't know if your OH went to court to get access, assume so as you say his ex stopped him seeing your Stepson & she can't do that w/o going to court, but maybe your Stepson has been bought up thinking his Dad doesn't care? Have you tried just sitting down & talking, asking him why he is as he is? Maybe he doesn't realise how it hurts?

gilly41

Hi Tigerllily
Thanks for that reply

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your stepdads ex sounds like hubbies ex!!! and his stepkids sound like OH son!!
I have told him how it makes his dad feel----as I say I havent written the whole story here as i would have been typing all day!!! so I appreciate it isnt too clear to some posters!
When I explained he said he understood how hurt his dad was and then months later everything is back to square one!!! I text--he doesnt reply so i text again and still no reply. Then months later I get a text out of the blue saying can he call???? When I ask why he didnt reply to me a few months before he says he was busy????
See what I mean???
I cannot understand it!
Thanks again for your reply
x