Advice re Stepson

110frankie

I'd print off your first post and give it to him.
The full thing.
He's 22 and should understand everything you have written. Give it to him and say, "this is the situation. We want to have you as part of our family, but you have to meet us halfway. We're confused and don't know what's going on".

Weirdly enough, the straight, plain truth often resolves situations like these.

gilly41

Hi
Thanks again everyone.He is calling over next week(against OHs wishes) and I am going to put it to him straight. I am basically going to ask him what I have said on here.
I can only think it must be his upbringing as no one can forget it is Xmas and as it is his dad and we did make a huge effort I feel an Xmas card really wouldnt have been too much to ask(he does drive past our street 5 days a week!!).
OH thinks he is just plain rude

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I am not sure? My kids are totally different and do have lovely manners, but that is only through what I have taught them!!! His mothers manners are those of an animal to be quite honest!!So not a great teacher for him!!
x

Alikay

I wouldn't get too upset about the lack of a card etc. As others have said, some people (generally males!) don't place a lot of importance on them. Also most 22 yr old lads are still incredibly self-centered! Yes, a few have decent manners, but lets face it, there are only a few years when you're young enough to focus entirely on yourself - soon enough he'll have a wife, kids and mortgage, and will have to consider other people! I'd just make sure he feels welcome to visit when he likes, and try and enjoy few special, but low key things together, like a takeaway and video, or watch some sport together (World Cup coming up!). Don't take it too personally if he's busy going out with his mates/girlfriends etc - at that age friends seems far more important than family in many ways, but they DO need to know that you're there for them. In a few years he will realise the value of you and his Dad, but the main thing for now is to keep communication open and easy -not too much confrontation. A quick text from his Dad to say hi each week might jog his memory. Remember that he didn't choose for his parents to divorce, and he is a product of everyone elses handling of it over his growing-up years.

twink

i agree, the lad had to stay with his mother and from what you say it didnt seem that great for him where as his dad was able to get out i would have thought it would be good to have a talk with the lad and explain why he wasnt in his life from nine years old but that he wants to make up for the lost years now and be the father to him that was denied him before

hollydays

agree with alikay.You have to be quite thick skinned with teenagers,and i know he s not a teenager anymore.Perhaps you could explain to him how you feel,without appearing to blame him.

JadedOne

Oh dear…

She had left OH for another bloke(whom she went on to marry and then he left her!) You appear to get some kind of pleasure out of this?

Despite OH fighting to see his son it just didnt happen and he never saw him for about 10 years. If your OH did nothing wrong step son’s mum could not have stopped him seeing his son – I question what amount of effort OH put into fighting for his son – your post gives the impression that step son has always lived in the same area as you. From what you have said OH comes across as the kind of man who gives up quite easily.

Through all this OH paid maintenance for him til he left Uni aged 21(last year)----it was ok for him to pay to keep him but not ok for him to keep his dads name!!!! You say OH paid maintenance for him – OH does not get a pat on the back for this – this was his duty. Why should he keep OH’s surname? He has does not appear to have been a father to the boy.

Last summer he called again(out of the blue---this time 18 months had elapsed since his last visit) and asked me for some info as he was hoping to join the police and needed some details from me. I was happy to help him out and not long after it was his birthday and I got him concert tickets for him and his dad to see this group which I knew he liked. Then Xmas came and I went and got him lots of nice things---- he called round to get them and that was that. We havent heard from him since. No Xmas card, no little pressie(despite him having a full time job)---nothing. He drives past our street each day to go to work----never calls in!!!
Then today he has just texted to say"can I call over----just thought I would see how you all are?????" Did your OH make any effort to see him during the 18 months – did you? So you only give to receive do you? So you complain that he never comes round – now he wants to you and OH still aren’t happy.

I just find it all very hard as my kids have always had contact with their dad and my OH and him have always been on friendly terms---as the kids came first! Hard for you - oh dear... I think you mean your kids always come first.

He is also in a family that puts a huge emphasis on material things

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his mum is very OTT re Xmas!! Good job you are not like this.


OH thinks he is just plain rude

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I am not sure? My kids are totally different and do have lovely manners, but that is only through what I have taught them!!! His mothers manners are those of an animal to be quite honest!!So not a great teacher for him!! You are joking right?

Trow

Re the name - this lad doesn't sem to have had a huge mount of stability in his life. He also doesn't seem to have had a huge amount of contact with his Dad even after they got back in touch. Who is making this name change thing to be a big deal? I would have thought the big deal should be to get to know one another again before the surname was even mentioned. Even if the lad mentioned it - maybe it was because he was embarrassed about not having his dads name. I think this emphasis on things like name changes (which is a real hassle I believe in England) and cards is just a whitewash. If your OH really wanted to have a real input in his sons life would he use these kinds of things to get in the way? If it was my OH who hasn't seen his son in over 8 years (and would do anything to be able to, but the mother moved away then and has not told anyone, even family, where she is and we have taken this as far as getting a private detective on the case, who failed to track her down) then things like what name he was using and the fact he didn't send a Christmas card would not be anywhere in the picture.

I think your OH is using excuses - maybe because he is scared that he will get hurt, whatever - but he is the lads Dad and I really feel (from whatyou have said) that he is being dismissive of his son with no good reason.

I hope the meeting next week goes well for all concerned, but I don't think you or your OH should be too quick to judge the lad - get to know who he is before criticising otherwise you might just regret it.

nearlyrich

Maybe your OH is afraid of being hurt again, some men (and I suppose women) seem to be able to compartmentalise their emotions, if everything else in his life is OK but that one issue (His relationship or lack of with his son) is causing him grief it might be easier not to have to deal with it.

hollydays

Is the lad getting bad vibes from either of you when he visits?Body language can be much more telling then the spoken word.How about trying to send little text messages every so often,saying hope you are ok,thinking of you,etc,just to keep the line of communication open.Dont necesarily expect a reply straight away,might take some time.

Bun

I certainly get the impression that your stepson is getting 'well if you change your name back to mine' ultimatums from your OH before he'll get involved. Unfair perhaps, but if I can understand his reticence to get closer if this issue is as prominent as it appears.