SAHD - Going back to work

pollyanna24

Hopefully this is not going to come across as a long and whingy post, as I know quite frankly that I should be grateful to have a job in this economic climate.

I have just gone back to work after 9 months on maternity leave. Intitially, I was going to be a SAHM, but bf didn’t get the job he was after, and then he was made redundant in March, so it made sense for me to go back to the job I had, especially as it pays quite well.

Since March, we have been doing the “looking after baby” bit together, so bf knows my friends from babygroup etc.

I’m finding it very hard getting back into the swing of things. I’ve never really enjoyed my job, but before I got pregnant, just got on with it as it paid the mortgage and I didn’t have anything better at home.

But now, all I’m doing is leaving them in the morning to go to work, hearing about all the fun things that they get up to (whenever I ring, he always seems to be out with said made friends above – all women) and then come home to a tired cranky baby that he thinks I should put to bed to get my “quality” time with her.

I know I’m jealous, I know that’s the crux of everything, but it just seems so unfair that I had to go through the 9 months of carrying her, looked after her when she was a newborn and now he gets the fun bits. I know being a SAHP(parent) is hard, but it’s much better than a job. I get the “How do you think fathers feel when they have to go to work?” But it’s more the time he gets to spend with women and have fun. Other men don’t want to do that, they’d rather spend time with their men friends surely?

Bf always thought I was rubbish at the housewifey bits. He never could understand why housework piled up, but now he has got a baby that he can stick in a bouncer or a walker and she follows him around. He does it in 2 hours on a Monday morning. Finished, done! I had a tiny newborn that needed constant feeding and cried all the time because she didn’t know what she wanted. And I had a C Section scar to deal with as well.

I’m not sure what I’m asking, but it’s causing me to resent everything. I get in and he’s happy, singing away to himself, while I’ve had a rubbish journey home from home (3 hours a day commute), then I cook dinner, make my lunch for the following day, and make up baby formula.

Maybe I’m just asking for a slap around the face and to get on with things, I don’t know. I managed to put up with my job because I thought it was only until I had children. But now I have a child, and I’m still stuck here. Till when? Till I’m 60? What a life!

skintchick

But it’s more the time he gets to spend with women and have fun. Other men don’t want to do that, they’d rather spend time with their men friends surely?

But your OH doesn;t have that choice! He has to hang round with the other parents, and they happen to be women.

I can understand why you feel how you do but it's not his fault and you sound ever so resentful of the good job he is doing with your baby.

It doesn;t have to be a permanent thing - perhaps he could keep looking for a job and if he gets something then you can stay at home as originally planned?

He probably wants you to put baby to bed so you don't miss out - yet you are seeing it as a chore he is pushing onto you.

You both need to talk this through and resolve this resentment.

SugarSpun

Are you unhappy because he's hanging out with women, because you envy the quality time he gets to spend with your daughter, or because he has it easier than you did when the little one was a newborn?

The women, if that's an issue, is probably unsolvable. There aren't enough stay at home dads to keep him away from stay at home mummies, but it's good that your little one has a social circle and I don't imagine they're having torrid conversations about anything other than spit-up and poop.

The second one - you got to do the initial bonding bit, and the bits he just couldn't do. Your baby loves you both, and even though her dad's the primary caregiver, you're still her mummy and she still loves you. You could ask if your OH would use some of his "free" (freer at least) time to bulk cook, or do it yourself at the weekend, so you're not making dinner when you come home, and you can spend some quality time with the baby before bedtime. You could do your lunches at the same time, so there are five dinners and five lunches in the fridge on a Sunday evening and you take them out as needed during the week.

The third thing, again, there's nothing to be done about it. Newborns are harder work than slightly older kids. All you can do is sit back and wait for the tantrums to kick in and be glad you'll miss that.

skintchick

I missed that you cook dinner - I think he should do that I'm afraid, if he is at home all day.

Flipped27

Yes he should cook dinner.....I have just gone back to work after 9 months maternity leave too and its so hard - i really do know how you feel. Being away from your baby while other people get all the good bits sucks. I resent my childminder AND my dh as they both get more time with my baby than i do - but they are both fab at it i have to admit...

But , he is going to be around women at groups etc, as there just aren't many SAHDs i'm afraid.

One thing though, he needs to be sensitive to your feelings, you are a Mum and you are finding it hard to be away from your baby so I think he needs to recognise that.

If he isn't working, he should be making up the formula, doing dinner etc so that you can spend some fun time playing with your baby. I do think it sucks that we go to work and then come home, get snotted and dribbled on and then look pleased about it - but i would expect my dh to do exactly that. With bells on.

When i was at home, i wanted to hand the baby over as soon as dh walked in so that I could do anything but look after them!!

I think you need to tell him how you feel - good luck, i know its hard

xxx

Flipped27

Oh and I think kids get so much harder as they get older - some days i skip out of the door at 7.15am just pleased to have the peace of the bus

pollyanna24

Thanks guys. I'm not sure what I'm resentful of, all of it I guess.

Yesterday he picked me up from the train station and she wasn't even with him. She was a friend's house and the women there were cooing over her, and didn't want to let her go. I went to this house and just felt so out of the loop.

He is doing a great job and I'm trying my hardest not to say anything, but he can tell I'm quiet and moody about it. He knows how I feel, but I'm trying not to say anything, because what is the point, we can't change things for now. I know the answer is for me to snap out of this mood I'm in otherwise he is going to dread me coming home.

I'm feeling a little better about it just writing. He's not at home for a laugh. He has not choice about the situation we're in either. It's just work is sooo boring.

I do batch cook at weekends, but still have to prepare some of the main dinner. In the 10 years we have been together, he has never cooked, don't think he knows how. His argument is that working fathers have to do things like mow the lawn etc. so why shouldn't I have a chore to do as well?

weezl74

Hi, at the moment I'm an SAHM and I agree with skintchick that I think it's fair for me (as the one at home) to do the dinner and make up the feeds. I also do most of the laundry, and sort out our bills and finances online. My OH doesn't even do a 3 hour commute and that's definately enough for him!

The other thought I had is that since you are wanting some daytime space to see female mumfriends (a very natural need!) is to maybe ask your employer for some kind of flexible working pattern that allows this? Is your commute 3hrs cos you do it at rush hour? could you go in a bit early and then have a day off in the week?

Sorry, you've probably thought of those things!


Love weezl xxx

gill_81uk

I agree that he should definitely be cooking dinner. After a commute like that you need to be able to get home, put your feet up and spend some quality time with the baby.

Did he cook dinner when he was working full time and you were home with the baby? I'm guessing not. The role reversal needs to be complete!

pollyanna24

I do think some of the problem is that he has no sympathy for me. Can't really see what my problem is as most families have someone who has to work, so what difference does it make that it is the mother in this family?

I'm just expected to get on, which I am trying to do.

savvy

Ah I was going to suggest the same as SugarSpun, why on earth isn't HE doing the cooking?? That seems unfair to me as you'll never get really good quality time like baths or reading. Even he's carp at cooking........he's got all day every day to practise at it

I can totally understand your feelings btw, it must be a horrible wrench going back to work. I was a SAHM and watch my colleagues now trying to juggle everything and keep it together with childminders, nursery fees, breakfast and after school clubs, the pressures of the job, and thank my lucky stars I didn't have to have all that hassle! You're sort of in between at the moment..........and that's the thing to focus on 'at the moment', I'm sure it feels like you'll be doing this til you're 60 at the mo, but I'm damn sure you won't be.

Are there any online support groups for Dads? Maybe he could hook up with other single parent Dads or SAHD that way?? May also help you understand your situation if you find other couples doing the same?? Ah just searched and found these links;
Stay at Home Dads
HomeDad
Raising Kids
ivillage

I hope you get lots of quality time at the weekends, and he does the bulk of the cooking/cleaning/ironing then too