Possibly splitting with OH over wanting children issue Update 25.07.09

swiss69

Sound like its for the best. You were 18 when you met this guy. That is really no age to know that he really is the one for you. Never mind what he does from now on. You get yourself back out there and have some fun. Spend the next year or two going out with friends, having fun and test driving a few new models before starting a new relationship. By that time you really will know what you want.

For many, the end of a relationship is seen as failure but you shouldnt look at it that way.

Men saying they are not sure if they want children after earlier saying they do is them saying they are not sure they want to be with you.

catz1ct

Its probably better that you found all this out now instead of waiting 5 years down the line.

Get out and have some fun

lilmissmup

I do realise I am lucky that he left me before we had a baby but that doesn't stop me being devastated as I love him so much still.

As I mentioned he has a lot of issues going on in his head that he refuses to discuss.

He also smokes a certain herbal plant and well tbh its made him so paranoid and messed up that hes just running away from the responsibilities of being an adult, hes bolted like a horse

I have always been the "ring leader" in this relationship, I found our first flat, this house, i looked after the bills he just gave me half the cash, he wouldn't always eat if I wasn't in and didn't cook that often.

We can't work it out as he refuses to talk to me about us, I wrote him a long letter explaining how I felt, he said he knows he needs to change then two minutes later says he is ok.

He just doesn't want to grow up and be responsible but ever since he was 16 he has had a girlfriend and lived with them although I was his longest relationship so he will be with someone very soon I am sure.

Yes we may have been together since I was 18 but we still had a lot in common, apart from the smoking thing, I don't do that.

consultant31

The_Banker wrote: »

Of course we're still together.;):D

Its because I was never decisive enough in my early days so OH used to make all the decisions and I just went along with whatever she said.;)

Good basis for a happy marriage and it has served us well.;)

Too many people get divorced these days for the most trivial of things.;)

I'm with you Banker I had to do this with my husband cos he hates change of any kind. We have 3 children, none of whom would have been born without me making the decision and getting on with it.

I agree it's not the right way for everyone, but if you know your OH, it can work very well. My hubby is a very good (and happy) father who willingly admits if it had been down to his decision making we would have remained childless.......and both been unhappy!

Ms Piggy - I've asked our 3 if they're 'traumatised' by their Dad's lack of knowledge of their conception (tricked into being, to quote you). They all agree they've had a happy and fulfulling childhood with a Mum & Dad who were always there for them.........what more could anyone ask.

BallandChain

lilmissmup wrote: »

We don't have any other issued going on but as well as working on us I think he's a bit depressed so want to try and encourage him to do more things he likes.

lilmissmup wrote: »

As I mentioned he has a lot of issues going on in his head that he refuses to discuss.

He also smokes a certain herbal plant and well tbh its made him so paranoid and messed up that hes just running away from the responsibilities of being an adult, hes bolted like a horse

I have always been the "ring leader" in this relationship, I found our first flat, this house, i looked after the bills he just gave me half the cash, he wouldn't always eat if I wasn't in and didn't cook that often.

I'm sorry that your relationship ended Lilmissmup, but from reading your posts it probably is for the best. In the first post I highlighted your comments that there were no issues going on and after the break up it appears there were issues. It doesn't sound like he was all that committed if you have had to do the running around for where you were both going to live. If he has always lived with someone it might be he was looking for a mother figure maybe? In the sense you did things for him (sort out the bills) and sorry to be blunt, but it sounds as if he would be with anyone so long as he isn't alone.

My b-i-l is the same. He goes from one relationship to another and doesn't even 'court' his girlfriends for that long before he moves them in. He really has done you a favour as you don't have to live with uncertainty and if he is smoking weed that would be the last thing you want a potential baby subjected to.

An old cliche, but time is on your side and you have more options open to you now!

lilmissmup

See i still think he had the issues and not me, over the last few months as the baby issue came more to light he pushed me away by not communicating about anything other than general chit chat.

We still cuddled and had sex though and I do believe he really loved me not that he was with me just for a mother figure but i do know what you mean.

joshieg3011

Sorry to hear that. To give you a note of encouragement, though, a few years ago my friend had been with her boyfriend for 5 years. They didn't live together, both had separate flats etc, as he didn't want to commit to her. Anyway, she reached 30 and gave him an ultimatum that if he didn't want to settle down and have children with her, she would find someone who would. She basically finished the relationship and he was absolutely devastated and begged to have her back. She stuck to her guns, though, even though she still loved him she knew there was no future for them as they both wanted different things out of life.

Around six months later she met a great guy and they got married a couple of years later. Fast forward to now and they have two children, a girl and a boy, and they couldn't be happier.

What I want to say is what's for you won't go past you...

Hope you are okay!

CelticStar

OP, I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has finished and that you're hurting, but from what you've written - and from an unbiased outsider's point of view- it sounds like this wasn't the man for you. I think he is used to being the 'baby' himself and probably didn't not want any competition for your affections and support. You have plenty of time and you will meet someone who loves you so much that they will jump at the chance to have children with you - and you'll wonder why you ever wasted so much time on this man who had such different goals from you.

Good luck, stay strong and I hope everything works out really happily for you.

ailuro2

lilmissmup wrote: »

He also smokes a certain herbal plant and well tbh its made him so paranoid and messed up that hes just running away from the responsibilities of being an adult,

Never underestimate the power of that 'harmless' little plant....don't even consider comminucating with him till you know he's off it for good. IT wrecks the mind (as you have seen) but the people who smoke it see it as a harmless alternative to alcohol, but it's not harmless at all.:mad:

Hope you're feeling better today, start of a fresh new week, and of course the start of the rest of your life.:D

belfastgirl23

The smoking would be a big problem anyway if you wanted kids. Both because it can damage sperm but also would you want your kids brought up around that?

You're definitely well rid unless he smartens up his act.