Possibly splitting with OH over wanting children issue Update 25.07.09

lilmissmup

Might be a bit of a long winded post here but will try not to ramble.

As of right now I am single after being with my boyfriend for 6.5yrs. Hes 30 and I am 25 in 3 weeks.

I have always known I have wanted kids and made this completely clear to him but over the last 9 months this urge has got a lot stronger.

In January this year he told me he wanted to start trying but I said no as I wanted us to buy a home before we did it, when I asked him why he said he had been talking to his friends at work who were dads and they had been saying how great it was.

For the next month he was pretty keen on the idea but then his interest waned whilst I have been getting broodier.

I told him I wanted to come off the pill end of this year and if he didn't want to risk a pregnancy we would need to use condoms. He wasn't happy about me coming off the pill but he knows its not his decision.

Last night I went and got my next lot of pills and said to him I had discussed coming off the pill with the FPC.

Well all hell exploded at home, he told me he didn't want kids now and didn't know if he ever will want them so I told him I can't stay with him as I really love him but kids are a very important thing to me.

I didn't get to sleep until 4am today due to talking and crying so called in sick to work and OH is still in bed too, even then I only slept for 20 mins or so at a time.

I don't know if I should just try and forgot about the child issue for now, we rent a house together with two cats, neither of us can afford it on our own wages and I risk losing the cats as well as him if I go or whether I should just leave so we can both move on.

Maybe he will change his mind again in a couple of years but if he doesn't I know it will be so much harder especially if we owned our own home by then. The worst thing is he isn't giving me a real reason as to why he doesn't want kids, nothing like I would like to experience this or study for that, its just No I don't want one and I don't know why.

Help

wendz86

It does sound like he is being unreasonable especially by syaing he wants kids and then changing his mind.

I personally don't think I could be with someone who didn't want kids. But like you said he may change his mind. Do you want to wait around for him to do that with the possibility he might not?

Maybe you should try and get him to give his reasons and that might help you understand more.

zgaze

I was in such a similar position to you - I had been with my boyfriend eight years, had a house & 3 cats...the 'baby' issue was what made me begin to question our relationship. I eventually - after a good couple of years of heartache and soul-searching - decided to leave him, as I knew I wanted children and he just didn't seem that interested in that side of things. He sounds very similar to your OH in that he wouldn't really give a reason for not wanting children - he was just kind of not bothered about all of it, he was very obsessed with his job and that was his priority. I can honestly say it was the hardest decision of my life, I felt like my life was over, I was devastated to leave the cats (probably cried more over them than him!) and I couldn't see that my life would ever be any good again. I didn't know if I was making the biggest mistake of my life, but in the end I knew that I would be so unhappy if I was never to have a family of my own.

However fast forward three years and I am now seven and a half months pregnant with my first baby, I'm with the most amazing person ever and I can honestly say I have never been happier. Things haven't all gone according to plan and we have been through some horrible stress (I was made redundant by work days after I told them I was pregnant) but none of that matters because I have the most amazing thing in the world.

I think what I am trying to say is that if your urge for a family is strong enough then that feeling inside you will be enough to carry you through the horribleness of a long term relationship breaking up. HOWEVER - you are still very young really - I was 31 by the time I got up the courage to leave by which time my biological clock was deafening. You still have time to give him, if you want to give him a chance to change his mind. Also from what you have said he is not anti-babies if he has been keen on the idea already, perhaps he is just spooked by the idea and needs time to come round to it a bit more?

smartie12

I think you should both sit down calmly and have a good chat about it. And make sure you LISTEN to each other!

lilmissmup

I have tried asking him for a real reason but I just get a no, I forgot to add last night he said its not important to him at the moment.

I am more than happy to not talk about the situation at all and give him some breathing space for a few years on if I knew it might help but if it doesn't than thats more years spent with someone I love but its going to hurt even more than now if he rejects the idea then.

Edit to add after Smarties reply: I don't think talking about it is a good idea for now, i have been trying to discuss it for the last few months since he changed his mind again and it just seems to make him angry and we talked enough last night i feel for now.

The_Banker_5

lilmissmup wrote: »

I have tried asking him for a real reason but I just get a no, I forgot to add last night he said its not important to him at the moment.

I am more than happy to not talk about the situation at all and give him some breathing space for a few years on if I knew it might help but if it doesn't than thats more years spent with someone I love but its going to hurt even more than now if he rejects the idea then.

Edit to add after Smarties reply: I don't think talking about it is a good idea for now, i have been trying to discuss it for the last few months since he changed his mind again and it just seems to make him angry and we talked enough last night i feel for now.

I knew a couple who lived together for about 20 years and they both were adamant they didnt want kids or marriage and that they were happy the way they were. They always used to say....Ohhhh we're happy with our cats.

However, they split up when they were in their 40's and the bloke got married and made his new wife pregnant within a year.;)

LabLover

Couldnt read and run , sorry to hear of your situation!! Its all so difficult isnt it . From reading your 1st post , first he didnt want kids then he did ( after speaking to mates) then he didnt again , do you think he may be frightened? My partner really wants kids and would have one now given half the chance but Im really freaked out by the whole thing. I like to plan and structure everything in my life (probs a but OCD) and because I worry endlessly about things I dont think I would ever find the right time to have a baby. I would really like one but I would put myself off by thinking we dont have enough money , we need to by a house first, what if the car breaks down and we have no money to fix . So I think I would need a happy accident because then if I was already pregnant I wouldnt be worrying about things . Bit long winded but what Im trying to say is that I probably give out mixed signals to my very patient and understanding OH one minute Im cooing over my little baby nephew next minute Im snapping at him saying get the idea of a child out of your head because we need to buy a house which we will never afford blah blah etc. Sometimes I dont even give him a reason why , but he knows deep down that its because Im scared crapless. Hope this makes sense ?
XX

Errata

If the pair of you can't communicate with each other now after over six years together, what's going to make that change ?

becky_rtw

Coming from the other side as someone who doesnt want children (yes EVER before you ask ) - maybe he suggested it in the first place because he was scared he would be different from others - especially if people at work were asking him about it...

Also I realise its not great on you to be changing his mind like that - but perhaps deeper thought made him realise that he actually didnt want kids at all...better to know now than to be pregnant/have kids and them have a father who isnt really interested...

I do think you need to talk though - not about when but about if - if its that important to you, you must find out if he wants kids ever and even if he does, then decide if you are willing to wait for him to be ready - if he doesnt want children at all then you need to think about whether you would be happy to live a life without them...

Biggles

lilmissmup wrote: »

He wasn't happy about me coming off the pill but he knows its not his decision.

Last night I went and got my next lot of pills and said to him I had discussed coming off the pill with the FPC.

I think the clue is in the fact you pushed him into a corner by making decisions without involving him. It sounded as though it was all going in the right direction till you started doing that.

Ms_Piggy_2

Short version of a long story....

I'd been with by BF for 3.5 years, living together for three. I wanted marriage and kids, he was scared.

We split up, I moved out.

Six weeks later he turned up on my doorstep with a diamond ring, nine months later we were married and a year later had our first child. Our son is now one and it's him badgering me to start TTC the next one.