Possibly splitting with OH over wanting children issue Update 25.07.09

Pee

Argh!!! Just wrote a long reply and the computer lost it...

If he doesn't want children and you do, you have to choose between him and the possibility of having children with someone else.

You are lucky because time is on your side.

You are also lucky because I he seems to be confused about whether he wants children, or not ready yet, rather than def not wanting them.

You say that neither of you could afford to live there on your own. Are you financially in a position to have a baby? have you thought about that?

If you are asking him to be financially responsible for you and a baby in this economic climate, I am not surprised that he has concerns and maybe thinks it is no longer a priority.

Maybe the friends have stopped their it's wonderful to be a new father stories and their new stories are more along the lines of how hard it is to cope without sleep, everything extra they are expected to do around the house and how they haven't been out for a pint in God knows how long.

Maybe he just isn't getting a balanced view on what it would be like.

How would you feel if he came home and said, I'm looking for a job in Dubai, you can come if you like - isn't that a bit like you coming off the pill? If he discussed it with you, maybe it would be something you could support him in, something that was right for the both of you, but if he made the decision without you I'm guessing you might not be inclined to find that out...

Plus... I think to have a child you need to have two people fully commited to that and if he isn't, then he isn't and time to move on now rather than when you are doing everything for a child with no support...

lilmissmup

Errata wrote: »

If the pair of you can't communicate with each other now after over six years together, what's going to make that change ?

I am being perfectly honest with how I feel, its just unfortunately I can't get an answer from him as he says he doesn't know. This is the first major issue we have had.

becky_rtw wrote: »

Coming from the other side as someone who doesnt want children (yes EVER before you ask ) - maybe he suggested it in the first place because he was scared he would be different from others - especially if people at work were asking him about it...

I don't think they were asking, someone had just had a new baby and was telling him
how happy they were. He works in an all male factory.

Biggles wrote: »

I think the clue is in the fact you pushed him into a corner by making decisions without involving him. It sounded as though it was all going in the right direction till you started doing that.

Biggles your probably right, I have gone on about it a lot and as some others have said I may have scared him.

I know I am young and have plenty of time to have a child, part of me really wants to stay and just try and move on with other areas in my life, like saving for a house deposit (even if its just me for now) and just see what happens.

Just don't want to be at this point in 5 years, I know I won't be happy having a childless life.

lilmissmup

Pee wrote: »

Argh!!! Just wrote a long reply and the computer lost it...

If he doesn't want children and you do, you have to choose between him and the possibility of having children with someone else.

You are lucky because time is on your side.

You are also lucky because I he seems to be confused about whether he wants children, or not ready yet, rather than def not wanting them.

You say that neither of you could afford to live there on your own. Are you financially in a position to have a baby? have you thought about that?

If you are asking him to be financially responsible for you and a baby in this economic climate, I am not surprised that he has concerns and maybe thinks it is no longer a priority.

Maybe the friends have stopped their it's wonderful to be a new father stories and their new stories are more along the lines of how hard it is to cope without sleep, everything extra they are expected to do around the house and how they haven't been out for a pint in God knows how long.

Thanks Pee all very valid points. I would support us as much as possible financially as I could but yes it would be hard, maternity pay wouldn't cover my half of our current bills.

The thing is I don't even want to get pregnant straight away, I wanted it to happen sometime next year and not before we had brought our own house.

Pee

Looks like you are saving well for the deposit now and coming from a position of dealing with debts, that is very well done. Maybe you could have a separate baby fund? Maybe you could stay on the pill until ready to conceive and agree a date for this with him. Would a new house mean you would be paying more mortgage than rent? I think you need to find a way to make these figures add up, but there may be tax credits and other benefits available.

The first row is always hard, especially when it is such a big issue.

I think it's good that you know for sure what you want. Give him a little time to come to a decision on this one...

lilmissmup

I am happy to stay on the pill if hes really unhappy with the situation right now and just concentrate on saving for the house. We currently pay £550 rent per month so don't think a mortgage would be that much more if we saved enough.

Happy to do this for a few years but i honestly don't think he is in the right frame of mind to talk dates.A lot of my friends are having kids right now, think I may have got a bit carried away with it all and put too much pressure on.

Just scared of whats going to happen in a few years if he still says no.

Pee

Don't be scared.

You know what you will have to do, and if you have to, you will.

Dinah93

lilmissmup wrote: »

I have tried asking him for a real reason but I just get a no, I forgot to add last night he said its not important to him at the moment.

I am more than happy to not talk about the situation at all and give him some breathing space for a few years on if I knew it might help but if it doesn't than thats more years spent with someone I love but its going to hurt even more than now if he rejects the idea then.

Edit to add after Smarties reply: I don't think talking about it is a good idea for now, i have been trying to discuss it for the last few months since he changed his mind again and it just seems to make him angry and we talked enough last night i feel for now.

Errata wrote: »

If the pair of you can't communicate with each other now after over six years together, what's going to make that change ?

Honestly, my biggest concern is the communication between you two. You have been very open about what you want and why, he's clammed up competely. Your relationship should be strong enough after all this time to sit down together and discuss where you both think this is headed. Not being able to talk about the situation is creating this big storm in your head, whereas if you could talk it through I think you would be a lot less paniced.

You need to find out if he wants kids, just not now, or isn't sure if he wants them ever. I wouldn't be comfortable waiting around to see, especially as he is getting angry with you even trying to talk about it, as that is not a positive sign that you're going in the same direction.

euronorris

I think you should allow some time for each other to relax and calm down a little before approaching the subject again.

And then, well then you need to have a very honest discussion and explain, at the beginning, that you are not looking to start a family right away and reassure him that you will not come off the pill unless you are BOTH in agreement with it, but....you do need to know if it is on the cards in the future as it is so important to you. Do your best not to get into a fight about it.

If he says he still doesn't know or is starting to get angry about it, then say OK, I'll give you some time to think about and you can tell me when you've had time to think about it and you know what you want.

I wouldn't advise setting a time limit with him on this, as it will only make him feel pressured again. But, perhaps have a time frame in your own mind - 3 months, 6 months, etc, but definitely no longer than a year.

Then you can get on with enjoying your life and saving for the deposit and he has plenty of time to seriously consider it without feeling any pressure.

Then, you can approach it again once either a) he's made a choice and clear about it or b) you think he's had enough time and so should be able to give you an answer.

If, after all this he still says he doesn't know, then, as hard as it is to accept, I think you will have your answer anyway.

All the best, and keep smiling

Pee

Being unable to communicate over a 24 hour period, or even a few days is not a concern. It's how you communicate from then on.

I think the point of posting on here is to get your head straight to avoid saying things that you don't mean at the wrong time.

It's def a discussion you want to approach calmly and rationally, and yes, if you can't discuss it like that within the next few weeks, you shouldn't be having a child together, but there is nothing to indicate that that will be the case.

belfastgirl23

I sort of think there's something else here though. When he wanted a baby you said no. I know you had your reasons but I'm wondering if there's a part of you that really is a bit scared of it. Understandably. And I wonder if your DH is the same. So the minute one of you moves towards making it a reality the other backs off.

I'd say you need to talk about this properly, maybe even with help from a counsellor.