Help pls! teenager drinking & driving, what do I do?

lana22

A very close friend of mine and my Sister's (she lived 2 doors away, and our Dad's are best friends, we had known her since we were children and not a day went by when she wasn't at our house, on holiday with us etc) died 2 months ago when she crashed her car in to a tree. She hadn't been drinking (she was on her way home from work), but everyone assumed she had cos she was young and it was midnight. Turned out there wasn't a trace of alcohol in her blood. Young people get a bad name, and, as you well know your daughter is adding to this.

She probably doesn't realise what it's like when someone you love dies in a car crash. I do.

She was 21 years old, and it was the worst day (and few weeks) of our lives. We had to go up to her parents house that day, and figure out what to say to them. We had to tell mutual friends. We had to drive past the spot where it happened. We had to shop for clothes for a funeral that should never have to happen. We went in all her favourite shops, bought clothes in her favourite colour (emerald green). We had to go to the funeral, had to listen while her boyfriend made a speech, and the vicar read ours out. We had to listen to her favourite songs being played. We saw all the people who she loved and who loved her, in pain and greiving.
She is still the first thing I think of every morning. I can't do anything without something reminding me of her, things we did, stuff she said.
I still sometimes see stuff and think "Must tell Carly bout that", then I realise, I won't ever get to tell her. A friend of ours is getting married next month. Carly will never have a wedding. She will never have a baby, or grow old. I won't ever again be able to share my life with my best friend. If I want to tell her stuff I have to go to the place where her casket is buried in a memorial garden.
However I'm feeling, her boyfriend and parents' suffering must be infinately worse. It is the worst pain in the world.

The point of this story? Your daughter needs to realise what deaths on the road can do to those left behind. This happened on a straight road, with no other cars or alcohol involved. They think that a cat must have run out in front of the car. So she needs to think how much more likely she is to crash with even a trace of alcohol in her system.

I hope you manage to convince her not to do it again, I don't really have any suggestions as to how to do it, I just desparately don't want other people to have to suffer as we have recently.

MrsTinks

mountainofdebt wrote: »

To be honest I don't think the police would have come out to see the OP's daughter, especially as they just seem to issue crime numbers for house break-ins etc.

Can promise you they would have if called at the time... provided a unit was available They take drink driving extreemly serious - my ex is a paramedic and I've spent time observing on ambulances - drink driving has serious consequences and honestly the best way to bring that home to someone is to drag them to A&E and show them... My stepfather was done for DUI - and lost his license for 3 years - this is in Denmark and they have NO tolerance at all so instant license loss for first offence... Norway is even stricter with a lower limit too...
SHOW her the real possibility of what can happen - tell her how serious it is and that it NEVER happens again, if it does her bags will be packed for her and you'll personally "shop" her to the police. Letting the police know about her though WILL mean that an alert will flag up on their system if she drives past a car with registration recognition. They can then decide for themselves if her actions warrent her being pulled and breathalyzed.

Pssst

mountainofdebt wrote: »

To be honest I don't think the police would have come out to see the OP's daughter, especially as they just seem to issue crime numbers for house break-ins etc.

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No i didnt mean tip them off when it happens though im sure they;d be interested. I mean tip them off that this person makes a habit of DUI. It is an easy catch for them and i think they;d be interested.

RabbitintheHeadlights

mountainofdebt wrote: »

To be honest I don't think the police would have come out to see the OP's daughter, especially as they just seem to issue crime numbers for house break-ins etc.

So far as I understand it (having followed a very drunk driver once myself whilst on the phone to the police) the problem would be that it would be the OPs hearsay that the daughter had driven the car whilst drunk. The police would not themselves have caught the daughter behind the wheel, making it very difficult to take it any further. So even if they *had* been rung and *had* come out, there's not a lot that they could have done. I would second the advice given elsewhere on the thread - go the police, give her reg no and say that she's been drink driving. Her car reg will be flagged on the automated registration recognition system and she'll get stopped regularly enough to hopefully dissuade her from doing it again in the future. As to the rest of it, monetary and otherwise, there seems to be lots of good advice here . . . but I'm not sure as a mother myself that I'd be able to take much of it - I'd be worried (as I'm sure you are) about what would happen/if I'd see my child again and I do feel for you having to make such tough decisions. Good luck and I hope that you manage to sort it out.

lana22

RabbitintheHeadlights wrote: »

So far as I understand it (having followed a very drunk driver once myself whilst on the phone to the police) the problem would be that it would be the OPs hearsay that the daughter had driven the car whilst drunk. The police would not themselves have caught the daughter behind the wheel, making it very difficult to take it any further. So even if they *had* been rung and *had* come out, there's not a lot that they could have done. I would second the advice given elsewhere on the thread - go the police, give her reg no and say that she's been drink driving. Her car reg will be flagged on the automated registration recognition system and she'll get stopped regularly enough to hopefully dissuade her from doing it again in the future. As to the rest of it, monetary and otherwise, there seems to be lots of good advice here . . . but I'm not sure as a mother myself that I'd be able to take much of it - I'd be worried (as I'm sure you are) about what would happen/if I'd see my child again and I do feel for you having to make such tough decisions. Good luck and I hope that you manage to sort it out.

Police can only breathalise people either involved in an RTC, those who have commited a road traffic offence, or those that you suspect of drinking alcohol recently.

I think someone's Mum saying they once saw them drink drive does not constitute enough "suspicion" to be able to pull over and breathalise.

redruby

Show your dd this website. Very sad story.

rev_henry

Sorry if I'm going to repeat anything here but I thought I'd give my two pence worth. I quite agree with others that you should report her to the police and ask them to come give her a talking to. I guess it depends where you live on whether they're too busy to do this or not; I know here in quiet Cumbria they probably would, tbh we don't really need a police force here thats how low the crime rate is. But I guess if you live in a city or somewhere it's probably different. Hopefully a policeman giving her a stern talking to will put the fear of God into her. She won't get prosecuted on your tip off alone, its not enough evidence, but an ANPR marker would be put out to keep an eye on her. And as someone else said, at the age of 18, the actual ban she WILL get if she's caught is the least of her worries. This ban will mean that when she eventually gets her license back she simply will not be able to afford her insurance for several years after.
As a 17 year old male driver, this kind of thing really annoys me as it gives young drivers a bad name and means that I have to pay a fortune for MY insurance. Of course I would like to think I'm a good driver, but I guess if I crash tomorrow I'll have to eat my words but fingers crossed.
Needless to say I would never drink and drive for the reasons I stated above. For me, not doing various things such as speeding is not so much from the safety point of view so much as the fear of getting caught and the subsequent insurance price hikes. The exception is 30 zones as I do understand and accept the whole what if a child ran out thing. Drink driving though is blatantly stupid and dangerous regardless of what the law says, I have had this drummed into me by watching far too much traffic cops. Interestingly in Malta drink driving was LEGAL until 1998!
Sorry if that was completely unhelpful but I thought you might want another young driver's point of view.

tiamai_d

I'd also say that the drink driving may be a symptom of her 'get away with it' attitude. And perhaps the best way to deal with it is to start teaching the lesson that she can't get away with it, by charging board for a start. Ordering her to go sign on (at least she will have to job hunt that way) and get her to help out with household chores (if she isn't already). Lay down house rules and stick to them. At 18 she should know this already and if she doesn't she needs to learn it or she will fall on her !!!! in the real world.

Errata

Sound advice from tiamai. It will take a great effort on the OP's part as it seems they are trying to bolt the stable door after the horse bolted several races ago.

rosered1963

Further to my earlier post, I know from my experience that the police would act, especially if the report comes from a family member.

The tragedy of extreme youth is that you think you can do anything and never die. I don't judge the OP's daughter. I was an idiot at 18 = selfish, irresponsible, and a terrible risk taker - I gave my parents hell. Once into my 20's we were and still are the best of friends. The daughter can change. I would say to the OP - try to reconnect with your daughter in any way you can - she won't respect you for your spoiling her and taking care of her - she will be taking you for granted and seeing you as a parent rather than a human being. She needs to see you in a different light.

One tip here - if you are a cool, rational person and never lose your temper (like me), it pays sometimes to pretend to lose it just occasionally. RR:)