Help pls! teenager drinking & driving, what do I do?

Biggles

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I think your biggest mistake last night was not to call her bluff and feel the engine.....would have been interested to her what her excuses would have been then!

Yes, you had the opportunity and missed it for some reason, now it's just her word (that she didn't drive) against yours (that she did). This sort of argument usually goes nowhere.

gizmo111

If she's getting £10 an hour for doing some chores then I doubt if she will be able to sign, but she should be paying for her keep. The key is probably to speak to aunty and ask her to stop being so indulgent so that your daughter has to wake up and face the real world.

SugarSpun

Why are you being your adult daughter's doormat?

When she comes back, sit her down and tell her that you know she lied to you about the car, and that you also know she's an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions - as stupid and irresponsible as they may be. With that in mind, you will be expecting her to behave as an adult in the house, and so you will no longer be cooking or doing laundry for her, and you expect her to pay you X amount of rent/week. Supply her with a tenancy agreement to sign with clear consequences laid out in case she does not pay the rent or do her share of the work, and if she refuses tell her that you'll give her a week to find a place to stay and then she needs to leave.

And be prepared to stick to it. Chances are she'll go crying to one of your relatives; when they complain about your parenting methods tell them you caught her drink driving and since she insists on being an adult you're going to treat her like one. Stick to it. If she's so spoiled she refuses to sign on or to contribute in any way to your household, she needs the shock.

Janepig

Who pays for the tax/insurance/MOT on the car? If it's you then you can stop that and render the car unusable. And what she needs to remember is not only that she will be banned if she's caught drink driving, on a sliding scale from 12months up, depending on how over the limit she is, but also if she racks up six points on her licence in the first two years after passing her test then her licence is revoked and she has to pass her test again.

As someone has said, she is taking you for a mug, and perhaps you can use the time when she's on holiday as a turning point, and have a fresh start when she gets back, with some new ground rules.

Jxx

rosered1963

Hi Proto.

How awful for you.

Can I just say that I can't go into details here , but I have had some experience of someone doing this this in my family in the past. The first time someone drinks and drives, they know they might get caught. The more they do it, the easier it becomes for them to just carry on. Alcohol impairs judgement.

My advice to you is rather extreme. Tell her that If she ever does it again, you will ring the police and report her immediately. If she kicks up a fuss and refuses to accept this, I would advise you to either insist she gets rid of her car if she is going to live with you, or if she refuses, ask her to leave

If she ended up injured or worse, or killed or injured someone else while living under your roof while you knew her to be drink driving, you would inevitably never forgive yourself for not acting earlier. Can I say as well, the police sanctions are the least of her worries - a young girl could be caught repeatedly, lose her licence and be fined etc - prison is a long long way down the line, and many repeat offenders never get to prison. The problem is that drink driving is habit forming and eventually, no matter how good a driver she is, she will have an accident.

It's not to late to lay the law down - if you make threats, always carry them out. I hope some of this makes sense and sorry I can't go into details here of this experience from my point of view. Best wishes.

Nenen

I think that some tough love is needed! Perhaps it is time that you told your daughter that you love her too much to let her ruin her life and/or someone else's. Stress that you love her but abhor her behaviour and cannot continue to support her while she is behaving like this. You need to say this with absolute conviction and only make threats you know you would carry out. By 'support' I mean providing her with food, washing, cooking, cleaning etc etc.

If I were you that I would go to the rich aunt and tell her exactly what happened and ask her to stop employing your daughter (effectively removing her means of paying for car and alcohol), or she could continue to employ her but pay the money direct to you for your daughter's keep! I would spell it out to rich aunt (and any other indulgent relatives) that if they continue to fund dd and she has an accident while drunk (killing or maiming herself or someone else in the process) you will hold them personally responsible and never forgive them. Perhaps if the consequences of their spoiling your dd is spelt out to them it might make them think twice although, I would hazard a guess that, if they are so indulgent, all that will happen is dd will tell them her 'version' of events and they will believe her and take her side against you. If that is the case then I really would suggest she goes to live with one of them. Perhaps if they were living with her 24/7 rather than just seeing their 'little darling' on her best behaviour for a few hours at a time they might begin to see what is really happening.

I wish you the very best of luck.

NAR

Protogenia wrote: »

Last night she went to a party (leaving her car outiside the house where the party was) and she intended to sleep at a friends,
At about 2am I thought I heard her car pull up and (I was surprised as I thought she was at a party), so I looked out of the window and indeed it was her. I got up but she didn't come in the house for about twenty minutes. When she did I could tell she had been drinking and as you can imagine I went ballistic. Not drinking and driving was one of the main things I have drummed into her as she took her lessons and even now I say, remember don't get in your car if you have had a drink.
She flatly denied been in the car and told me to feel the engine; it would be cold, she parked the car on the street about four hours ago and I just hadn't noticed.

First of all even had she slept over at friends in all likelihood she would still have been over the limit until the next afternoon driving home, especially if she was drinking until 2am.
I agree with others leave it until she comes back from Spain. Ask her about the incident again. If she lies again tell her you saw her arriving home and the next time it happens you will call the police to get her breathalysed, as you will not risk having the death of some innocent person on your consience.(sp) Either this will be a wake up call or she deserves to lose her license.

Skint_Lynne

I'm sorry to hear of your bother with DD. Someone known to me has went on a big downward spiral through drinking. This individual was spoilt in a similar fashion to your DD, eg, not turning up for work, but having a never ending source of money.

This person has a good job which they cannot attend due to being an alcoholic. In the past year, they have lost the house, partner (not much of a loss there, they liked the booze too), child, health, car and driving licence.

They have had 2 bans, first one for a year and a fine of £1000. They got caught again after being banned, got another 2 years on top, another fine and community service. They missed being jailed by the skin of their teeth. The car is away now, but if they drive again within this time, it is the jail for them. I am glad that the car has gone because someone's child, mum, dad, brother, sister etc might have been mowed down.

I might be reading too much into this because of my personal experience, but please nip this in the bud now. Tell her you saw her and do not take any of her lip. Take away any benefits you might afford her like washing her clothes until she admits her mistake. Everyone can do wrong, but make sure she knows how bad a mistake this is to make. Your life can change for the very worst by one small action, make sure it doesn't happen to her.

I hope things work out well for you.

Paparika

Heck if she isnt paying you housekeeping whilst she is living at home, do not and i mean do not do anything for her, do not lift a finger, if she has no clean clothes then nows the time for her to find the washing machine, especially as she has a luxury of a holiday comming up.

I can't stress enough, drag her out of her pit, (if she is still in there) tell her that from now on you want at least £40.00 per week, and she can do all her cooking and cleaning, she will of course being a spoilt brat kick off, open the front door and tell her to get knotted.

She will not learn if everyone is wiping her backside for her.. left her aunt and gran take the carp for a while, either they will give her grief or kick her out too she won't learn any other way.

Don't need a male rolemodel my DS has done without his for 10 years

BitterAndTwisted

I think the drinking-and-driving is just a symptom of being able to behave in any way she sees fit and that there are much more fundamental issues to be addressed.

I cannot concieve of why a parent would allow an able-bodied adult to live at home and not even sign on or seriously try to gain employment of some kind. I'd read the riot-act about making a definite contribution to the household. Jobs are very difficult to find right now and the longer daughter can go on without earning a living and making a contribution the more difficult it is likely become in the long-term.

Tough love is definitely called for here for her own sake if not just mother's housekeeping and sanity