Help pls! teenager drinking & driving, what do I do?

Protogenia

Good morning x x

I know this isn't strictly money related but I am not sure who else to ask or where to turn.

My eighteen year old daughter passed her driving test in November and has a car in her own name. She goes out drinking a couple of times a week and normally leaves her car outside my house or a friends.
Last night she went to a party (leaving her car outiside the house where the party was) and she intended to sleep at a friends,
At about 2am I thought I heard her car pull up and (I was surprised as I thought she was at a party), so I looked out of the window and indeed it was her. I got up but she didn't come in the house for about twenty minutes. When she did I could tell she had been drinking and as you can imagine I went ballistic. Not drinking and driving was one of the main things I have drummed into her as she took her lessons and even now I say, remember don't get in your car if you have had a drink.
She flatly denied been in the car and told me to feel the engine; it would be cold, she parked the car on the street about four hours ago and I just hadn't noticed.
So she was determined to drink and drive and blatantly lie.
I got very upset (angry) as I can't believe her stupidity and selfishness. Not only is she risking her life, but anybody else's who is on the road or out on the street.
I told her to be aware, "something serious would be happening after tonights incident"...I can't just let it slide by with an earful.
I don't know if this is the first time she has been drinking and driven or wether it's common practise. Being 18, she does alot of her own things, that I don't see or am not there to see obviously.
She is spoilt and won't listen to anybody, I have spent too many years threatening to do things when she has been "bad" and never seeing them through. She has no father figure I can turn to, and her grandma and her aunties spoil her also and always tell me not to be "harsh" on her so I don't feel they will give me constructive advice.
I know I have to do something, her behaviour is no longer coming in 30 minutes late or running up a big phone bill.

Please advise me...what can I do? I
The car is hers and is in her name or I would have taken it off her straight away.
Help please!

One very distressed mum. x x

Biggles

Protogenia wrote: »

She flatly denied been in the car and told me to feel the engine; it would be cold, she parked the car on the street about four hours ago and I just hadn't noticed.

So: did you? And was it cold?

Protogenia

I didn't need to, I saw her pull up in the car at 2am, approx 20 minutes before she came in the front door. I know for a fact she had driven the car after drinking.

Alikay

I assume at 18 she's working and paying for her lifestyle? If so, I think if she's deliberately choosing to break the law, endanger lives and lie to you, you'll have to ask her to leave: Her choices are her own and if she wants the freedom to live that way, it's only fair she moves out as it's clearly incompatible with your values. Her behaviour both in drinking and driving, but scheming to back up her lies by parking down the street and waiting for the engine to cool is totally out of order and as an adult she must face the consequences (luckily those consequences weren't killing someone or putting herself in a wheelchair for life!)

If she's at college and you are supporting her you have a wealth of options open: Withdrawing the financial support to fund the car and partying for a start. There may also be someone at college you can speak to who deals with students behavioural issues, or a chat with a Connexions advisor or similar?

Meenu

I watch a lot of crime/police programmes and have seen the effects and repercussions of it.
Y dont you print off some horrific stories off the net. Theres loads of them and they are heartbreaking. Subliminally you could get to her sub-conscious as she is not listening to you.
Good luck

Barneysmom

Hide the keys for a week. If she wants to act like a child she'll have to be treated like one.

Meenu

Barneysmom
think thats good idea

Protogenia

Thank you for your response.

She doesn't work (is currently looking, somewhat half heartedly), she jacked in a college course approximately 12 months ago and hasn't done much since.
My "rich" aunt pays her £10 an hour for doing a few chores a week and that is how she pays for petrol and alcohol. The car was an eighteen birthday gift that went in her name (in the vain hope it would help her get to and from a job). She doesn't sign on as its "embarrassing" and has paid £20 board in the past two years.
I have threatened to throw her out if she doesn't do something about her lifestyle but nothing gets done.
Next week she goes away for a week to Spain (paid for with insurance money from a car collision which wasn't her fault)...and I know I must make some big decisions while she is away and stick to them.

I don't want to kick her out but I don't know what else I can do.
I know it's all my fault for being too soft for too long but I have to step in now, her behaviour is no longer just effecting me.

Do you think speaking to the police to have a word with her would be a wise choice?

Protogenia

Thank you folks. x x

I too have seen a lot of the crime programmes Meena and I find the road traffic accidents heartbreaking, it's so often silly, selfish teenagers that don't think, that cause accidents ruining the lives of innocent people and/or their own.

She will poo poo the idea of watching the hard hitting stories as they don't apply to her, "as she wasn't drink driving, her sleepy mother was seeing things," oh yes and "she is a good driver, it's me being paranoid." She just won't listen but I don't want her to have the nasty lesson of all, so I can't just ignore her and let her get on with it.

I would love to hide her keys but one of her friends has a set incase she lost them...so I don't know if that would work.

aliasojo

Barneysmom wrote: »

Hide the keys for a week. If she wants to act like a child she'll have to be treated like one.

That's not going to be effective and will only make her angry, imo. Getting emotional or having kneejerk reactions to this is not going to help. It's too serious a situation.

Talk to her. Tell her you saw her drive and ask her what made her decide to take the car home. Listen to her answers without getting angry. This may be a one off and is a good opportunity to make her see sense. Treat her as a adult and dont talk to her like a naughty kid. Her denial is indicative of her feelings about your relationship I think.

If she is as spoilt as you say though, you may find she has the opinion of 'it wont happen to me'. I've found that spoilt people seem to almost unconsciously think that rules are different for them and once alcohol is involved any normal inhibitions that she has will be taken away.

She sounds a little immature to me and that things have come easy to her previously. I'm not sure I agree with putting her out but I do think you should use her age as the basis for a 'this is the cut-off point' chat. Tell her that before she was 18, she was your responsibility up to a point and now that she's 18, she's not. Tell her that she now needs to step up her game and she needs to act in an adult way. I suspect you will need to spell out what you expect from her......she needs to register as unemployed, claim whatever allowances she is entitled to. It sounds as if she is just not used to adult choice and consequence and how can she be if she has not had cause to make tough choices for herself in the past? Supporting teenagers is great, up to a point but go too far and you cause all sorts of other problems.

Drinking and driving is just another one of life's 'responsible' decisions. Get her to be responsible in other areas of her life too otherwise she may well remain someone who goes through life simply pleasing herself and to hell with the consequences.

There's no point in you threatening her at the moment, she already sees you as a soft touch so anything you threaten her with will fall on deaf ears. You need to change as much as she does if you have any hope of developing respect in her. You've already shown her that you dont do tough things (by not following up on any threats or by letting her off with things etc) so she's likely to take the easiest choice as well, which is reflected in her decision to take the car home.

Good luck. I'm sure the fluffiest clouds are earmarked for those of us who have had issues with our kids btw.

mountainofdebt

I think your biggest mistake last night was not to call her bluff and feel the engine.....would have been interested to her what her excuses would have been then!

At the moment she hasn't got any incentitve to grow up and take responsibilities for her actions.......she has her 'beer' money for very little work and she doesn't have to worry about giving you board and lodge. Regardless of what her grandma and aunties think, you do need to give her some tough love, especially over this.

Even if she was 'lucky' enough not to kill herself or anyone else by drink driving, if she got caught then she would be virtually uninsurable for a long time, especially if she was banned......and I think she would have to retake her test as well.