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First time living with BF...advice needed!

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Comments

  • BallandChain
    BallandChain Posts: 1,922 Forumite
    edited 11 June 2009 at 7:46PM
    I happen to think if someone posts on a public forum then you are going to get all kinds of comments. I have my reservations on the relationship just from what I've read. The OP did ask specific questions about finances yes, but I can see the bigger picture. I think the OP should sit down with her b/f and put her cards on the table by saying that she wants more money towards the bills. I think it's worrying that despite the fact they are in the early stages of their relationship he is still going out clubbing 3 times a week. Personally if I had a partner move in I would have had a sit down and discuss sharing the bills. She should not be thinking that she has to contribute or pay for him!

    OP your question was about finances and something else you might want to consider once you sort out finances with your b/f, is to go over to the Debt board where they can help you with your debt. £15k is a lot of debt (though I know from reading that board some get in much higher debt.) Are you paying the minimum payment for the debt, or are you paying it off so the interest doesn't accrue? (Paying more than minimum payment.)

    I think if you are looking into the financial side of things it is probably a good idea to sort yours out at the same time. They are helpful on that board and if you list a Statement of Affairs (SOA) i.e. incomings, outgoings you will get some really good advice.
  • BallandChain
    BallandChain Posts: 1,922 Forumite
    Just to say welcome Julie! Don't be put off by some of the other posters.
  • skintchick
    skintchick Posts: 15,114 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    I'm with the newbie!

    I thought he sounded mroe like a lodger, especially as you buy your own food.

    It seems an odd way to run a relationship and I'd not be happy with my OH going out all the time and not contributing properly to the household.
    :cool: DFW Nerd Club member 023...DFD 9.2.2007 :cool:
    :heartpuls married 21 6 08 :A Angel babies' birth dates 3.10.08 * 4.3.11 * 11.11.11 * 17.3.12 * 2.7.12 :heart2: My live baby's birth date 22 7 09 :heart2: I'm due another baby at the end of July 2014! :j
  • BitterAndTwisted
    BitterAndTwisted Posts: 22,492 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    As the OP is living in a place which is connected to her work, the rent is less than others might be paying and she's been paying all the outgoings on her own before this, so the b/f isn't a necessarily a drag on her finances at the moment.

    I would advise her not to feel compelled to subsidise him so early in the relationship, he needs to pay his way especially as it sounds like he's probably not paying much rent compared to what he would have to pay to live elsewhere. I'd split everything 50/50 for the time being and I would NOT be best pleased to hear that he's sent money home abroad and not paid his share one week. That's a slippery slope in my opinion. Once the relationship is properly established and long-term plans made it might be a different story but not before
  • Odette
    Odette Posts: 716 Forumite
    Im going to be doing this in 6 months (Im a planner!) and were getting to the point where we discuss this kinda stuff. My bf earns approx 8 k more than me but Im planning that I pay half on most things, we buy food seperately (im very MS, he isnt) and the bf possibly contributes a little more to entertainment/petrol etc. Fifty fifty doesnt breed feelings of resentment I think and doesnt make you buy above either of your means.
    Aim - BUYING A HOUSE :eek: by November 2013!
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  • MissShoes
    MissShoes Posts: 1,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    edited 11 June 2009 at 9:33PM
    Hi all

    thanks for all replies! Let me clarify a few things- I don't want to have misled anyone.

    The main reason I posted is because I don't want my relationship to be ruined by finances (one of my friends is having an awful time with her OH because all they bicker then argue then properly fight about is MONEY).

    I feel I ought to say I AM VERY HAPPY. No one is forcing me to be in this relationship, it is my choice. I don't feel used or taken advantage of. I am trying to be understanding of my OH as he is out of work- I don't want to subsidise him or give him pocket money (how funny does that sound lol) but I am conscious he is surviving on very little and I have more- not much more but more- and I think that if it was the other way around, he'd be thinking of me too.

    Regarding the clubbing, it's not mad rave nights out. It's very sedate! He goes to a certain bar each week which is open 24hours that specialises in the music/dance from his coutnry/lifestyle. He doesn't pay entry and buys one drink. This is midweek so I don't go with him although he always asks me too but work the next day is killer. The other night is at another bar but this one is more local again that plays his music. This is open late and is free entry. I sometimes go with him. It is only 2 nights a week, very rarely 3 now. I go out once a week with workmates and once a week with him.

    I don't feel like he's off enjoying himself while I'm all alone! I like having the time to myself!

    I really just want guidance as he is about to start earning a full wage and I want to divide things properly. I feel very bad taking a lot off him now as he doesn't have much spare- and will a few quid make a huge difference to me? Not really. Another poster says that it was out of order that he sent money home instead of giving it to me. He didn't want to- I made him. Yes it was 75quid but it paid towards hospital treatment for his grandfather (none of the rest of his family could feasibly help as they all live in his homeland with bvery little money). Like another poster says, I have always paid my bills and now it's no different. I just know that a BIG MONEY CONVERSATION is coming up in the near future and want to have a strategy and maybe follow other MSErs examples eg should he pay in cash or standing order? Should I keep a record? Shaould I divide things proportionately?

    Everyone's different and so are everyone's relationships but I know how happy I am and although he may not be rich monetarily he is rich in other ways, makes me happy, does not take advantage, makes me a priority and cares about me and how I am. That's good enough for me...you know it's good when you get butterflies!

    Shoes

    xx
    • DFD 4th July 2015
    • MFD 1st October 2021
  • gizmo111
    gizmo111 Posts: 2,669 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I just know that a BIG MONEY CONVERSATION is coming up in the near future and want to have a strategy and maybe follow other MSErs examples eg should he pay in cash or standing order? Should I keep a record? Shaould I divide things proportionately?

    Personally I would prefer paid direct into my bank account where the bills come from. Yes I think you should keep a record but not specifically for him just your normal household accounts and seperate ones for your debts and savings. Another nice idea maybe to keep a jar in the kitchen which you each put £10 a week into and is there for bread, milk etc as you need it through the week - have a bottle of wine and takeaway t the end of the month if you haven't used it all. I found that stops resentment on one of you always paying for the mid week top ups.

    I think your main problem will be not cleaning stuff etc - but groceries as you both eat seperately and he may not understand that his £75 doesn't cover food as well, and of course unless you explain he won't know. A lodger I had once used to pay me rent weekly by SO and then on the 1st of each month paud an extra £30, to cover cleaning stuff, washing powder, toothpaste shampoo etc, it worked well.

    Re the council tax you need to inform the council but AFAIK you don't have to name the other person, he of course may choose to go on the electoral roll.

    Good Luck with it all, I just think you have a few little things to iron out that will be easier when he gets his first proper wage.
    Mama read so much about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating chocolate that she immediately gave up reading.
  • barnaby-bear
    barnaby-bear Posts: 4,142 Forumite
    MissShoes wrote: »
    he is just scraping by on an evening clearance job at a warehouse for £60 a week (2 hours a day, 5 days a week). He had 4 weeks full time painting and decorating and with his clearance job he pulled in £345 a week net. He is now looking for a new job that'ss full time and permanent.

    One of the issues I have is that he is not as frugal with money as I am (I try to be and need to try harder but I am always conscious of it). Admittedly, he paid me a full week's rent (£75) 3 out of those 4 weeks and the 4th sent it home to his family to pay towards someone's medical treatment.
    Doesn't sound a natural sponger. We've been through periods with one not working and as a couple have paid for the other - in fact means tested benefits would expect it. Swings-and-roundabouts life deals odd hands and it's been funny who's been the higher earner at times - differences can be good - I'm too tight, Mrs. B-B can turn money into fun a bit too much... both a bit not quite healthy but balance out.... Mrs. B-B could if needs must be trusted to do everything to keep us above water and vice-versa, he supports his kid? Sounds like a good trait.
  • barnaby-bear
    barnaby-bear Posts: 4,142 Forumite
    MissShoes wrote: »
    Regarding the clubbing, it's not mad rave nights out. It's very sedate! He goes to a certain bar each week which is open 24hours that specialises in the music/dance from his country/lifestyle. He doesn't pay entry and buys one drink. This is midweek so I don't go with him although he always asks me too but work the next day is killer. The other night is at another bar but this one is more local again that plays his music. This is open late and is free entry. I sometimes go with him. It is only 2 nights a week, very rarely 3 now. I go out once a week with workmates and once a week with him.

    I don't feel like he's off enjoying himself while I'm all alone! I like having the time to myself!

    I really just want guidance as he is about to start earning a full wage and I want to divide things properly. I feel very bad taking a lot off him now as he doesn't have much spare- and will a few quid make a huge difference to me? Not really. Another poster says that it was out of order that he sent money home instead of giving it to me. He didn't want to- I made him. Yes it was 75quid but it paid towards hospital treatment for his grandfather (none of the rest of his family could feasibly help as they all live in his homeland with bvery little money). Like another poster says, I have always paid my bills and now it's no different. I just know that a BIG MONEY CONVERSATION is coming up in the near future and want to have a strategy and maybe follow other MSErs examples eg should he pay in cash or standing order? Should I keep a record? Shaould I divide things proportionately?


    Everyone's different and so are everyone's relationships but I know how happy I am and although he may not be rich monetarily he is rich in other ways, makes me happy, does not take advantage, makes me a priority and cares about me and how I am. That's good enough for me...you know it's good when you get butterflies!

    Shoes

    xx
    If he was spending a fortune boozing - worry but it sounds just cultural and sensible. The £75 for his grandfather - really if as a couple your joint priorities couldn't do this wouldn't look good for the future as a unit - what if you got sick?. We found a joint account i.e. our money worked, plus damn lazy (no dividing phne bills for £13.455 by 2) - each paid in an agreed lump sum. The lump sum varied on what we earned. Bills, mortgage/rent, direct debits come out, food, the odd meal out together, the odd household item. The left over in our own accounts is ours and we don't answer to each other how it's spent.
  • MissShoes
    MissShoes Posts: 1,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    The £75 for his grandfather - really if as a couple your joint priorities couldn't do this wouldn't look good for the future as a unit - what if you got sick? QUOTE]

    Can't read this right- what do you mean?

    Shoes xx
    • DFD 4th July 2015
    • MFD 1st October 2021
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