First time living with BF...advice needed!

MissShoes

Hi all,

this is my first time posting in this forum but I've read a few of the threads and am hoping some of the good advice I saw will come my way :beer:

So, a few months ago myself and my new boyfriend LL (latino lover!!!) moved in together. Well, he moved in with me as my flat comes with my profession and the rent is a LOT less than it would be if it was a normal privately-rented flat.

I earn a lot more than him, primarily because my job is stable, permanent and the salary increases regularly/I have been lucky to move up the ladder quickly. His work (painting, decorating, labouring etc) has dried up and he is just scraping by on an evening clearance job at a warehouse for £60 a week (2 hours a day, 5 days a week). He had 4 weeks full time painting and decorating and with his clearance job he pulled in £345 a week net. He is now looking for a new job that'ss full time and permanent.

One of the issues I have is that he is not as frugal with money as I am (I try to be and need to try harder but I am always conscious of it). Admittedly, he paid me a full week's rent (£75) 3 out of those 4 weeks and the 4th sent it home to his family to pay towards someone's medical treatment.

I have never lived with a BF before and LL is really special to me. He is so caring and kind and makes me laugh. He is unlike me in lots of ways and we are very different in our outlooks, opinions, interests etc. We have different ambitions (my career is very important to me whereas he wants a job that gives him cash, I am happy to stay in more often than he is, I am more inclined to want stuff for the house whereas he'd rather spend the money on socialising or clothes etc). I don't think any of these things are make or break- I hope not. It frustrated me in the first few weeks how much he would go out with his friends (2-3 evenings a week til 3am or later, usually later!) but I don't mind so much now. When this is midweek, I'm usually knackered from work and appreciate some time to veg out or relax alone or catch up with my friends etc. On weekends, we have one evening alone together whether we go out or stay in.

I am circa £15k in debt. He has debt of £1800 which he has not really started paying back (OD) due his irregular employment.

Around the house, we split things fairly evenly. Whoever cooks (usually me, which I like) doesn't wash up and vice versa, I iron/he changes bins, we change the bed together, we blitz the kitchen regularly and equally, he does the bathroom/I do the living and dining rooms, he hoovers and I polish. I do all the laundry but he hangs it up- the bit I hate!

Last week, my rent (the flat is solely in my name) went up by £40 a month, taking it to £380pcm. C tax is £85 but will go up to £100 when I lose single person discount, TV license £11, electricity £25max on prepayment meter, £25max on gas (quarterly bill), water is £20 a monthmax (quarterly bill)= £646max a month. We agreed when he moved in that he would pay £75 a week when working full time, £300 a month.

Now that I've given a bit of background detail, I suppose I am wanting answers to the following questions:

1) Is it unreasonable that I ask him to pay £300 when even when he gets a full-time job, my take home pay is over double his?
2) As I am the ones with debts, does it make sense to put household bills into both our names? (except the tenancy which can only be in my name)
3) How do I deal with the fact that when he does have money and has paid his rent, he is very reluctant/finds it difficult to contribute towards joint things like cleaning stuff?
4) How do I organise the food shopping? I am on the Cambridge Diet so we don't do joint food shopping.
5) How can I keep it harmonious?

I should point out that although I earn more, I have as much in my pocket as he does due to debt repayments. Sometimes I am a little resentful that my last tenner goes on electricity or a bill or food while his goes on him and his socialising!

Thanks in advance,

Shoes xx

Batchy

If it doesnt feel fair then it isnt right!
It has to be 50 50 down the middle otherwise whats the point... no matter what you earn. He has to be motivated to earn more! lol.

It doesnt sound harmoneous at the mo, although he is pulling his weight on the house work.

but to be fair ... you need to clarify what his 300pm rent actually pays... if you don't then he will assume it covers all bills

If you ask him for 50% of each bill then im sure it wouldn't be a problem

I assume he thinks his 300 covers his 50%.

Personally, if you have more money then you will be the one to be able to treat and pay for entertaining, although cause of your debts you dont have spare cash left. So that makes no odd, so dont worry about earning more, since you have no extra to spare anyway!

have fun, stop worrying about money!

If you love each other it should be easy come easy go.

Any

My husband earns far far more then me but also has debts from his past.
We have joint account from where all the bills and food is paid. He pays more into the joint account (about 2/3) as he earns much more. As all the basic things are covered, our own spending money are nothing to do with the other one.
I however do more household work as he has a hard job. He still has to do some things though.

He made his debts by wasting cash, I didn't get any of it so I cannot see the reason why should I come short because of it. We ignored the debts when splitting up our household expenses as they are from before me.
We each have own account. This might change once we have children, but for now it works.

Problem with you is that you each eat something else. What does he eat? Do you buy his food?
maybe it's time to put all the apartment's expenditure together and divide it to your incomes accordingly?

**confuzzled**

Hey hun:wave:

It doesn't matter what either of your take home pay is, you still have the same amount of disposable income left so £300 p/m sounds fair to me:D

IMO you're best of treating him like a lodger as the tenancy can only be in your name so best keeping everything as it is and getting the money off him once he's wokring full-time. what are you planning on doing moneywise while he's out of work or doing casual work??

About him buying cleaning stuff....is it really that big an issue?? If it is then you'll have to agree to whos buying what in advance. eg He buys washing up liquid, you buy bleach etc Hopefully it works out you're both paying the same amount(or check out the OS boards for cleaning tips, I swear some of them in there only use white vinegar and stardrops!:D)

There are always going to be teething problems when you move in with someone as you both have different ways of doing things, 3yrs down the line and Dh still drives me potty on how he does things(totally not logical!) For me, it's a case of working out whether it's worth mentioning, the fact he waits until binday to do any of the bins annoys me coz he lets it get smelly and gross so I''ll say something however the way he irons a shirt annoys me too but I keep my mouth shut:silenced: coz even though it annoys me it's still being done and has no side effects apart from the fact his takes him 10mins to do a shirt whereas it takes me 2:p

Hope this helps a little bit and if not then I've managed to have a rant about Dh and how he annoys me:p:D:rotfl:

xxxxxx

Any

When you add his half of cleaning stuff on the top of the (50%of £646)=£323, which is exactly half of all the bills, then let's say he should be paying £350 towards household bills. Appart from food which I suppose you each buy separately.
So he is not exactly paying you far too little, is he?

Any

I personally wouldn't change everything into joint names yet. Give it a year.

MrsAnnie

I agree with Any. I think the amount sounds fair and I would not change any bills into his name yet. By the sound of your post the two of you are still in the honeymoon stage and I would wait to see how living together suits the two of you.

I think you will find that other bills will crop up that you haven't thought of i.e. telephone, internet, household stuff, repairs etc. So you will have to decide how to split these aswell.

One thing that does stand out is when you said he was giving you £75 a week when he was full time, but that he did not on the 4th week because he sent this home. I do think that he should not be taking this out of the 'household money' but instead out of his disposable income. It is great that he is taking care of family back home however bills still need to be paid and I think he should always put in his half. And you should not be subsidising him living with you. Albeit it was a one off but it may occur again.

Good Luck on your future together. Hope everything works out.

honeypop

Is it correct that he is paying towards rent but nothing towards bills or other running costs (ie cleaning products etc like you say)? If so, then I would feel that's unfair.

Also, when I read this bit:

MissShoes wrote: »

He is unlike me in lots of ways and we are very different in our outlooks, opinions, interests etc. We have different ambitions (my career is very important to me whereas he wants a job that gives him cash, I am happy to stay in more often than he is, I am more inclined to want stuff for the house whereas he'd rather spend the money on socialising or clothes etc). I don't think any of these things are make or break- I hope not.

I must say, I wish you good luck with someone who is very different from you. I have seen it work, but it seems HARD work to keep it going nicely.


Anyway, my opinions:

MissShoes wrote: »

1) Is it unreasonable that I ask him to pay £300 when even when he gets a full-time job, my take home pay is over double his?
- for some people it works with paying a set amount each month, for some it only works at 50/50, for some it works that each person contributes an amount equal to the proportion they earn int he relationship. Only you two will know what is best. For example, I bring in 60% of household income, DH 40%, so after adding up all outgoings I pay 60% of the cost and he pays 40%. Note, all outgoings, so your LL should be paying towards more than just rent.

2) As I am the ones with debts, does it make sense to put household bills into both our names? (except the tenancy which can only be in my name) - Don't put anything in joint names, it's early days yet and I don't see what the problem is with you having debts and the bills just in your name.

3) How do I deal with the fact that when he does have money and has paid his rent, he is very reluctant/finds it difficult to contribute towards joint things like cleaning stuff?
- By getting him to pay an amount each month to cover everything, not just rent, so at least when he spends the moeny he does have spare, you don't resent that as he's paid everything he needs to.

4) How do I organise the food shopping? I am on the Cambridge Diet so we don't do joint food shopping.
a) He can just do his own then - no problem.
b) Included in the amount he pays each month should be a figure towards food shopping which covers things you will both use (in our house, thie grocery figure covers cleaning products and toiletries as well, as we both use these).

5) How can I keep it harmonious?
- Communication is the key - without good communication there will inevitably be problems. Set out what you need from him and stick to it, if it's reasonable he should be fine with that, if he doesn't think it is, he needs to explain what he thinks he should be paying so you understand where he's coming from. Where did he live before and how much did he pay for that? If the amount you expect him to pay, that covers everything it needs to, is less than if he were to live elsewhere, point that out!

I should point out that although I earn more, I have as much in my pocket as he does due to debt repayments. Sometimes I am a little resentful that my last tenner goes on electricity or a bill or food while his goes on him and his socialising! - See answer to 3 above.

I feel the main problem is that he's moved in with you, but not paying a fair share (however you decide is far, from my response to no.1 above), and you need to get that sorted asap, as it will never change otherwise.

MissShoes

Thanks so much for all the replies- definitely some interesting points to think about.

I agree about keeping everything in my name for at least a year. What about council tax- I have to declare that I need to lose my single person discount.

Regards food, all the food that's in the house was bought together when I was eating normally. This is due to run out in the next few days so that's why I asked the question. I don't really want to pay for food I won't/can't eat but I also don't want to make a big fuss about it as someone said- is it worth fighting about? I realise it's not worth fighting about cleaning stuff.

Part of me really wants to keep everything completely separate. I don't want to destroy what we have over arguing about money. I am unhappy being in debt and therefore unhappy each time I have to spend money. I don't want to pay his way for him, it's not my responsibility.

It's tricky- I don't want to be taken for granted but I don't want to moan as this situation is only temporary. His fulltime job is on the horizon and should be in full swing too. Also, he socialises less when he works full time as he's knackered.

Now he doesn't earn anything more than paying for his travel, phone etc- what should I reasonably contribute towards as his girlfriend? I find it difficult to find what is normal/expected- should I be contributing at all?

All very new territory for me....so thanks everyone xx

SailorSam

It is good of him to think of his family back home, but i think i'd be annoyed that money was going back to Italy and he was out with his mates a few times a week, but he was missing paying the 'rent'.
If he's not getting home untill the early hours it's not as if these nights out are just a couple of pints at the local, so it seems that you're paying for his social life while sat in the house, plus the health of his family.

honeypop

MissShoes wrote: »

Now he doesn't earn anything more than paying for his travel, phone etc- what should I reasonably contribute towards as his girlfriend? I find it difficult to find what is normal/expected- should I be contributing at all?

God no!! You contribute your support, but nothing financially - although that is my opinion based on that fact it sounds like a new relationship. I would contribute financially for my DH to get through a tough time with lack of work etc, but if he had any money left after paying bills then he clearly does have enough to not need my help.

It may sound harsh, but HE has moved in with YOU, yes you managed alone before financially but having an extra person there should mean you now share the costs with someone, and ideally use what you save to pay extra on your debts. You shouldn't be contributing towards him being able to live with you, why should it cost you more to have him there? (again, based on my opinion that it's a new-ish relationship).