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First time living with BF...advice needed!

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  • MissShoes
    MissShoes Posts: 1,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    SailorSam wrote: »
    It is good of him to think of his family back home, but i think i'd be annoyed that money was going back to Italy and he was out with his mates a few times a week, but he was missing paying the 'rent'.
    If he's not getting home untill the early hours it's not as if these nights out are just a couple of pints at the local, so it seems that you're paying for his social life while sat in the house, plus the health of his family.

    Thanks for replying SailorSam. That's an interesting point. When he is out, he often goes with a few pounds or his friends pay for him. He literally gets into the place/club and buys one drink or gets them paid for him. I find this weird as when I am that skint, I rarely go out. Even if I didn't drink, I would rather stay in! There is a big social scene to do with the music and dnacing where he;s from (not Italy!) which he is a big part of and they understand he's not working properly. I went with them a few times and they literally spent the bare minimum. I'm not making excuses, just trying to explain the situation further. I think I have underestimated the bills/rent combined, but only by £50 or so and I don't see any problem with paying that extra.
    I like Honeypop's idea of proportioning the bills- added them all up. I think it would come to 60/40.

    Extra individual things- I have a car, he doesn't. He has a daughter, I have no children. Most of his hobbies (sports) are free.

    I need a system that is simple, ensures there are minimal transactions between us each month and that there is no bickering when paying at restaurants/cinema etc.

    Thanks for all your guidance.
    • DFD 4th July 2015
    • MFD 1st October 2021
  • MissShoes
    MissShoes Posts: 1,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    honeypop wrote: »
    God no!! You contribute your support, but nothing financially - although that is my opinion based on that fact it sounds like a new relationship. I would contribute financially for my DH to get through a tough time with lack of work etc, but if he had any money left after paying bills then he clearly does have enough to not need my help.

    It may sound harsh, but HE has moved in with YOU, yes you managed alone before financially but having an extra person there should mean you now share the costs with someone, and ideally use what you save to pay extra on your debts. You shouldn't be contributing towards him being able to live with you, why should it cost you more to have him there? (again, based on my opinion that it's a new-ish relationship).

    Honeypop- I agree with you!!! I'm just checking as I have not been in this situation before. It has been several months so it only a new relationship. I can't have any drains on my resources so am looking for ideas on how to keep things neutral.

    Thanks! xx
    • DFD 4th July 2015
    • MFD 1st October 2021
  • MrsAnnie
    MrsAnnie Posts: 679 Forumite
    MissShoes wrote: »
    I think it would come to 60/40.

    Good idea. As long as he agrees to up his percentage when his pay package increases.

    I am in the same situation as you. My OH moved in with me about 2 years ago and still pays me a set amount every week. All the bills are still in my name and I oversee all the bills/finances. It has worked and is still working for us. He gives me quite a bit more than what you are getting, but we budgeted for all eventualities and every little expense. All he pays himself is his mobile bill and day to day things that he wants. The only difference is that if his wage goes down he gives me a little less and when his wage goes back up he is back to giving me the agreed amount. Not the other way around IYSWIM.
    I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he ha
    s had to overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T Washington
  • MrsAnnie
    MrsAnnie Posts: 679 Forumite
    Oh...me and my OH take turns paying for when we go out - depends on who feels more flush at the time! I don't think we have ever disagreed over it - I always think it is equal in the end.
    I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he ha
    s had to overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T Washington
  • MissShoes
    MissShoes Posts: 1,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    MrsAnnie wrote: »
    Good idea. As long as he agrees to up his percentage when his pay package increases.

    I am in the same situation as you. My OH moved in with me about 2 years ago and still pays me a set amount every week. All the bills are still in my name and I oversee all the bills/finances. It has worked and is still working for us. He gives me quite a bit more than what you are getting, but we budgeted for all eventualities and every little expense. All he pays himself is his mobile bill and day to day things that he wants. The only difference is that if his wage goes down he gives me a little less and when his wage goes back up he is back to giving me the agreed amount. Not the other way around IYSWIM.

    Thanks MrsAnnie. I think I find it quite difficult to talk about money, not sure why! I don't want to ask for anything when he's on £60. I think he feels very embarrassed about his employment situation and conscious that he's not pulling his weight so he tries to make up for it which I really value e.g. he brought me things into work I had left at home by accident and didn't have time to fetch, does housework and tries to help me de-stress, organise myself for the next day etc. I want him to become MSE and very focused on what he spends as I try to be. I've read a lot of threads on here where on half is working ahrd to pay bills and debts and cutting down eveything they can and the other is still spending like crazy. I don't want that!

    xx
    • DFD 4th July 2015
    • MFD 1st October 2021
  • natc
    natc Posts: 593 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Combo Breaker
    Hi MissShoes,

    I came accross your thread looking for something else entirely! But thought id reply as i felt like this when my bf and i moved in together.

    Was really weird at first, which it will be. We had our own accounts and then we got a joint acc, I calculated monthly outgoings, direct debit bills etc, and split the amount 50/50, i put in that much into the joint account, and oh put his 50% into that account aswell, all the household bills, food shopping etc came out of that money, our own accounts were for fuel, car ins, and spend for our own cars and ourselves.

    I earned quite a lot more than him in the beginning, but at first i felt that i was earning that money so it should be mine! To be fair, i paid for entertaing etc, as he never had much spare after paying for the house bills, bless him. I did feel really bad for him, and pondered for a while how we could change it all. Was scared of the joint account thing, and sharing money, thought it would get messy.....After about a year and half living together, i got into debt with OD about £2k, thats a lot to me! Told bf bout it, he knew i was far into OD, but not that far! Wasnt pleased with me...Anyway, having separate accounts and him paying for some things and me paying for others felt uncomfortable now, his uncle came round one day, and we mentioned to him about the OD debt, and he couldnt belive that we had separate accounts! He said, what ya guna do whan you have kids, say one halfs mine, the other halfs yours!!! lol, made us laugh but was true. From then on, we have have put our money together in joint account, all bills, any outgoings go out of this one account, dont even use sole accounts now.And dont matter who gets paid what, we just share it, he took on my debt and we paid it off together, now debt free and really happy, we feel this works so much better. We actually get on better now too.

    May take some time for you to do this yourself, but was the best thing for us. Think its just trial and error. My mum and dad still have sole accounts, he pays for certain things, she pays for others, and now i look at they way they are, think its really weird! But each to their own.
  • MrsAnnie
    MrsAnnie Posts: 679 Forumite
    MissShoes wrote: »
    Thanks MrsAnnie. I think I find it quite difficult to talk about money, not sure why! I don't want to ask for anything when he's on £60. I think he feels very embarrassed about his employment situation and conscious that he's not pulling his weight so he tries to make up for it which I really value e.g. he brought me things into work I had left at home by accident and didn't have time to fetch, does housework and tries to help me de-stress, organise myself for the next day etc. I want him to become MSE and very focused on what he spends as I try to be. I've read a lot of threads on here where on half is working ahrd to pay bills and debts and cutting down eveything they can and the other is still spending like crazy. I don't want that!

    xx


    I too find it hard to talk about money, but with practice I have become quite good at it :D. After all it is better to talk about it than to let your feelings fester and become resentfull. It is OK to pick up the slack sometimes but do not feel that you have to 'keep' someone - bitterness would eventually set in if you did!
    I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he ha
    s had to overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T Washington
  • Julie_S247
    Julie_S247 Posts: 11 Forumite
    Miss Shoes, please don't be offended, but I think there is an underlying problem of trust here. On the face of it, this guy is taking the mick out of you, but you don't want to admit it to yourself, you want him to be the dream guy who will come in and relieve you of your own debts and live happily ever after.

    The reason I see this is because It could very easily have been me who wrote your post, several years ago.

    If he's not/hardly working, like so many people in the current climate, he should be staying in, and economising, not out several times a week, despite how little he says he's spending, and certainly not without you.

    You should not be funding his lifestyle, and basically giving him cheap digs.

    You now say he has a child. Is he financially supporting that child? isn't that motivation for him to get a job? ANY job? How responsible is he? read the signs.

    I think you should have asked him his long term plans for your relationship before moving in together. Did you discuss kids, marriage, religious and cultural views, travel & returning to his homeland to live someday? You've already said you are very different creatures in many ways, but what are his intentions because from what you've said I think he's just milking your kind nature.

    Think on, IF he gets a fulltime job with better money, will he still be paying what he can get away with, and going out 7 nights a week, whilst you are still home alone paying off your debts?

    Sorry if thats harsh, but I read a book called 'the rules' a while ago, and there's no way a rules girl would move in with a guy like you've described. Infact the only positives you wrote are 'he's so caring and kind and makes me laugh' well so is my doctor, local shopkeeper and pub landlord but I wouldn't let them move in with me! You need a bit more than the mushy stuff to live with someone babe.

    Try distancing yourself from him, go out with your friends (even if its just round their house for coffee) get busy, leaving him home alone, and see if he pulls nearer to you and makes more effort, take control and then TELL him he's got to contribute more financially and spend more time with you instead of going out clubbing until 3am. If he doesn't like it, he can leave and then you will be free to meet someone really nice who will have more in common with you and respect you in everyway, including financially.

    again, sorry if harsh.
  • MissShoes
    MissShoes Posts: 1,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    Julie_S247 wrote: »
    Miss Shoes, please don't be offended, but I think there is an underlying problem of trust here. On the face of it, this guy is taking the mick out of you, but you don't want to admit it to yourself, you want him to be the dream guy who will come in and relieve you of your own debts and live happily ever after.

    The reason I see this is because It could very easily have been me who wrote your post, several years ago.

    If he's not/hardly working, like so many people in the current climate, he should be staying in, and economising, not out several times a week, despite how little he says he's spending, and certainly not without you.

    You should not be funding his lifestyle, and basically giving him cheap digs.

    You now say he has a child. Is he financially supporting that child? isn't that motivation for him to get a job? ANY job? How responsible is he? read the signs.

    I think you should have asked him his long term plans for your relationship before moving in together. Did you discuss kids, marriage, religious and cultural views, travel & returning to his homeland to live someday? You've already said you are very different creatures in many ways, but what are his intentions because from what you've said I think he's just milking your kind nature.

    Think on, IF he gets a fulltime job with better money, will he still be paying what he can get away with, and going out 7 nights a week, whilst you are still home alone paying off your debts?

    Sorry if thats harsh, but I read a book called 'the rules' a while ago, and there's no way a rules girl would move in with a guy like you've described. Infact the only positives you wrote are 'he's so caring and kind and makes me laugh' well so is my doctor, local shopkeeper and pub landlord but I wouldn't let them move in with me! You need a bit more than the mushy stuff to live with someone babe.

    Try distancing yourself from him, go out with your friends (even if its just round their house for coffee) get busy, leaving him home alone, and see if he pulls nearer to you and makes more effort, take control and then TELL him he's got to contribute more financially and spend more time with you instead of going out clubbing until 3am. If he doesn't like it, he can leave and then you will be free to meet someone really nice who will have more in common with you and respect you in everyway, including financially.

    again, sorry if harsh.

    A bit harsh! To address some of your points:

    1) I don't want anyone to relieve me of my debts. I made them, I will pay them back...alone.
    2) I don't want him to be a dream guy- I'm a realist and appreciate that it might work, it might nor.
    3) I agree he should go out less but can't see the problem if he is not spending any money/money which he owes me.
    4) I am not funding his lifestyle- I don;t give him money to go out or have fun
    5) The 'digs' are more expensive than where he was living
    6) He is motivated to find a job- he has joined every agency and is canvassing with his CV
    7) He supports his child- I do not get involved in this whatsoever as it is too early for that
    8) We did discuss our relationship and our future before we moved in. We both want marriage and kids but not in the near future. We have the same religious views. He does not want to live in his homeland as there are no opportunities there- he just wants to visit.
    9) I started this thread to get advice on how to deal with things now and with how to deal with things when he secures this job.
    10) He has many, many positives but I didn't start this thread to list them- I'm trying to get advice for a siutation I am finding alien.
    11) We are very independent- I spend a lot of time with my friends as does he
    12) I have met someone nice
    13) We do have lots in common as well as lots of different outlooks (that doesn't mean you can't have things in common)
    • DFD 4th July 2015
    • MFD 1st October 2021
  • MrsAnnie
    MrsAnnie Posts: 679 Forumite
    Hope this isn't calling the kettle black (since I'm a Newbie too) but as a first post Julie S247 has been extremely harsh and critical of your relationship. Are you sure you don't know her Misshoes - seems as if she is on a mission to split you two up!
    I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he ha
    s had to overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T Washington
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