Needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle! Bob's cunning plan mark 2

Karmacat

Bob, my heart goes out to you. Sounds like you're re-evaluating your life over the last few years, really thinking hard. I love the way Shaun has taken your post and shown you the positives in what you've written........ obviously, this morning, in the light (well, what passes for daylight today) you'll maybe feel a bit differently again, but you can keep that sense of over-all awareness, and use it to go forward. Not papering over the cracks, but accepting them for what they are - kind of what I've been doing this last few weeks.

I'm not sure counselling would be any good about these particular issues - you're making the connections and seeing how things are yourself just fine. If you feel incapacitated by what you're seeing, then maybe that is the way to go, but you *do* have a lot of support on here.

One other thing (with my counsellor head on, now) - you're still ill, from oinker flu - something I recommend very strongly to clients is *never* to make any big life-changing decisions when they're ill, we need to get back a certain level of health to be able to start making the appropriate changes for us.

Okay, counsellor head is out of the building........ hope you're sleeping and building up your strength again - I'm off out to do battle with the low-lying clouds ......... see you later
xxx

boredofbeingathome

shaun40400 wrote: »

morning bob ,,
tis good that you have identified your demon...the car,,,

where as now you would say no!!!
I said no at the time, but he still went ahead.

where as now you would handle it for him,,,not pay it for him ,,,,I suppose that is where a lot of conflict is coming from and why i kick off now if i have to cough up any extra:o


where as now you know better,,,and would talk about it
I talk, he ignores me most of the time. He does sleep a lot

not stupid bob ,,,nieve[sp] ,,,,we have all been their,got the t-shirt


baby steps


bigger steps


building blocks of life,,,a hard life,,,but still a life


big strides in the right direction

oh bob
sometimes we need to review our life to make sense of where we come from and where we are going to..
life is marathon not a sprint race,,,and your nearly half way their ,,,and guess what after the halfway point , its all down hill to the finish line,,,,you've just got to work your way to the half way point and peep over the next hill to see it!!
:grouphug:
s x x

Thank you for that view on it Shaun, you really are quite a profound little thinker.:kisses3:

boredofbeingathome

In_Search_Of_Me wrote: »

In haste but couldnt post n run...good of ryou having a think! Isoke sends you a huge pur and I send a hug along with a suggestion that councelling may help? While its painful and challengng (if you get a good one) it does help sift and sort feelings in a way you cant do with friends cos theyre biased...just a thought. Another thought is what emotional damage is caused to you and marriage with the spending differences and at what stage does mr bob realise that its having such a devastating effect? My heart goes out to you accross the miles as can feel the pain, exasperation and frustration...as for the car maybe this could beceome a symbol of his commitment by getting shot of it...sounds v expensive to run (Ido loads of miles at work and never put that much in - nissan micra) and a huge cause of tension by the sound of it?!

I run a micra as well and agree. He does realise, but seems incapable of helping either himself or us.:o I think it is because i have dug my heels in all the way ( behind closed doors) I have refused to put him or his needs first and he feels it. The only thing i have had to do with the car is to find cheaper insurance ( it would go against the grain too much otherwise)

He was going to get rid of it earlier on this year. But he floundered around waiting for me to come up with an alternative solution Ie dosh for another car or use mine( which he has done in the past) As i needed my car for work when this job came up...he saw that as
1) more money coming in the house
2)reasons to relax his efforts further
3)can't think of one:rotfl: But i don't think a councellor would help me at the moment...i did book one and he wouldn't come.

Give ISOKE a big cuddle off me and thankyou.

boredofbeingathome

skint_spice wrote: »

It sounds as if he's stuck with it for now Bob, can you get him to sit down with you and work out a plan to get a replacement so you can see an end to the expense in sight?

I tried that one Skinty, his plan is that he has one more year to pay on the car. Which in the grand scheme of things is quite funny as he will have an expensive bedroom by that point i reckon.:o

boredofbeingathome

Karmacat wrote: »

Bob, my heart goes out to you. Sounds like you're re-evaluating your life over the last few years, really thinking hard. I love the way Shaun has taken your post and shown you the positives in what you've written........ obviously, this morning, in the light (well, what passes for daylight today) you'll maybe feel a bit differently again, but you can keep that sense of over-all awareness, and use it to go forward. Not papering over the cracks, but accepting them for what they are - kind of what I've been doing this last few weeks. I have tried that mindset quite a bit, i think i am left with no alternative but to do that at the moment and it is at great cost really. Maybe it's the old pride/anger kicking in about once more unto the breach dear friends scenario...i kind of feel like Blackadder goes Forth, i am going over the top and i know the outcome..which is why i am wearing a tin hat and blowing my whistle...yep that will scare the blighters away.
I feel like the car is Melchett and Darling is Mr.B:rotfl:

I'm not sure counselling would be any good about these particular issues - you're making the connections and seeing how things are yourself just fine. If you feel incapacitated by what you're seeing, then maybe that is the way to go, but you *do* have a lot of support on here.I have tried over the years to see things, i accept that we are all hind bound by our own personalities in a way. I do know that i have turned a corner re the debts a long while back, i just had this *itch* that wouldn't go away. I kept surprising myself with the strength of my emotion over little things and realised that there is a long way to go for me.

One other thing (with my counsellor head on, now) - you're still ill, from oinker flu - something I recommend very strongly to clients is *never* to make any big life-changing decisions when they're ill, we need to get back a certain level of health to be able to start making the appropriate changes for us.
I wouldn't do that, as i said I think panadol is my ro hypnol drug... i just felt the need to get it off my chest.
Okay, counsellor head is out of the building........ hope you're sleeping and building up your strength again - I'm off out to do battle with the low-lying clouds ......... see you later
xxx

Thank you and i did kind of sleep. Was woken by snoring, but what's new there then...he did mutter in his sleep for me to shut up, i must have been snoring too ( good:cool::D)

Battling low lying clouds...they must be mean in your area.:rotfl::rotfl:Good luck.:D

ZTD

First of all :grouphug:

boredofbeingathome wrote: »

I have honestly thought at times how dark and demeaning debt is. I have watched things slip away from me, moments in time that i will not get back because they were lost in bitterness and anger. I have no doubt that i will be angry for a long time yet, but at least i can face up to that emotion and recognise it now for what it is. I am embarrassed by admitting it, sad that it came to that and would hope that i could salvage something out of it all. I don't know if i will come out unscathed at the other end, i certainly won't walk out of a situation where there is a debt to be cleared.

Why?

boredofbeingathome

ZTD wrote: »

First of all :grouphug:



Why?

Hmm that one is tricky. I think it is mostly to do with family, i would feel like i have let my children down if i did that. I am sure if the boot was on the other foot then he may well feel the same.
Complex beings aren't we?

ZTD

boredofbeingathome wrote: »

Hmm that one is tricky. I think it is mostly to do with family, i would feel like i have let my children down if i did that. I am sure if the boot was on the other foot then he may well feel the same.
Complex beings aren't we?

So you think he would be duty bound to clear debt, in spite of his current clear and persistent reluctance to stop spending and clear debt? How does that work?

Does he know you would not walk out if you were in debt?

In_Search_Of_Me

good...ots of suggestions...re mine and the councelling I wasnt suggestin it for both of you but for bob alone...but also agree that it needs to be the right time and with emotional strength to do it. My reasoning was that it helps to have someone challenge you on feelings/perceptions etc and by taking a step back maybethings would look/feel different...the risk being that maybe they wouldnt though lol!
huge hugs for you though...sounds like a v. difficult time for you...here if I can help in any way:)

boredofbeingathome

ZTD wrote: »

So you think he would be duty bound to clear debt, in spite of his current clear and persistent reluctance to stop spending and clear debt? How does that work?

Does he know you would not walk out if you were in debt?

Maybe i am clinging onto things Z. You are of course right and he has said in the past that he would do that. But talk and action are two different kinds of things.

Which is i suppose one of the reasons why i am angry and disappointed. Mostly at myself i might add as well.