A new start for Mooloo

Savvy_sewing

If am on the edge of tears! Its sadness. Its hurt. Its fear.
But I have decided and now I have to act.
There will be times I still "do" I am sure. But not today. Not tomorrow. Not this coming week. (which will be hard!).
Today I have to walk to the post box and send of my ESA forms, that I am about to miss the deadline on.! Then potter around the home/garden with DGD and await the arrival of BF. Maybe we can go out later.? We will see.
The bank balance is at an all time low. (the rent is there and that goes out on Monday.) The food is in the cupboards. So its just extras. The money will be coming in for my ESA on Thursday, and DGD's foster allowance on Tuesday (sometimes Mondays). So we will just be careful for a few weeks, and we will start to build up the savings, the emergency funds and reduce the petrol spends!
DGD wants to do her flash cards.
Catch up later/or tomorrow afternoon.

SDG31000

*Stands up and applauds* Well done Mooloo. I am so glad that you have reached this stage before you have collapsed with exhaustion. The family is going to have to get used to hearing the word "NO" coming from your lips. It is a complete sentance and if they don't hear it the first time just repeat it until they do. Another good answer it "I'm afraid that won't be possible" Sound like a broken record if you must, but put your own health and dgd's well being and happiness first. Make it clear to them that the Bank of Mom and Mom's taxi service are now closed. If their money gets mixed up then they can borrow some from the "friends" that are filling their houses and are no doubt taking without handing over a penny or lifting a finger to help. If they start laying on the guilt then ask them what their friends have given them towards the bills they are running up.
I second Errata's excellent suggestion about getting some counselling. Some cogative (sp) behaviour therapy might help with your ability to say no and to handle the guilt that comes with that.
I wish you the very best of luck and tons and tons of strength and happiness. Chin up Mooloo. You have and are doing a fantastic job. *hands over a plate of the flapjacks and lemon cupcakes I made this morning*

daska

Mooloo wrote: »

My help has to be withdrawn.

No it doesn't, it has to change it's focus.

You need to be concentrating your available energy on sorting things out for you and DGD and getting the pair of you stable, with the help you need. When that stops being a struggle then you will find that you are able to help more effectively with less effort and less impact on yourself.

Getting YOU sorted out will result a win/win situation for everyone.

(even if that isn't how it feels at the moment)

(((BIG HUGS)))

tired_mum

Enjoy the day Mooloo its a new start for you and dgd and hopefully your fella
:j

SuziQ

I could cry for you sometimes Mooloo-you really do come across as the nicest person in the world. But I have a couple of observations.

I feel really bad for your DS in all of this, because I think he was pretty much forgotten about a year (or more)ago when things were going upside down with the twins. I almost feel now that he is 'being awkward' as a way of getting your attention? It certainly works with the twins. Please don't tar him with the same brush as the twins-for one thing he seems to have so much more potential-and I mean that in the nicest possible way, having a child with special needs myself. Please don't give up on him. He has had to step aside so much whilst you deal with the twins.

Secondly a quote for you: 'if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got.'
Please don't wear yourself out again, running after the twinswhilst the SS stand aside and let you get on with it.

Lastly, looking at things from Twin 2's point of view, all that she sees is that her twin has managed to keep her baby because mum went ' that extra mile' for her. You,I and everyone else reading this,knows that that simply IS NOT TRUE, but to her that is how it will appear. I wasn't sure you were doing the right thing with DGD as I don't ever see either of the twins becoming totally independant with their children, but I understand how hard it is when you love them and your grandchildren so much. Unfortunately, they have problems that will be there their whole lives and as I said to you many posts ago, what happens if they have more children? Where will you draw that line?
Maybe in the long term the children would be better placed with other carers as the older they are, the harder it will be for them to settle and recover. My 2 darling god-daughters are adopted, and came out of a very neglected home with a single mum taking drugs who couldn't cope with herself, let alone with her 5 children. When they were adopted by my best friend, the older one was 2 and a half, the younger one just over a year. They have 5 siblings (now) adopted variously around the country. The younger one in many ways is worse than the oder one. They both still steal food, hide it etc and have lots of other issues, but considering the younger one was a babe in arms when they were taken into care, it is frightening how badly she has been affected by the neglect and totally chaotic life the children had before SS finally made the decision to remove them. They would both have been far better off of they had been adopted at a very young age, as their mum just couldn't change. I know this is totally different to your DD's but are they capable of change?
I do hope you have had a rest this weekend as I simply cannot fault you for your dedication and hard work despite your health problems. Take care.

Savvy_Sue

Mooloo, I can only echo what everyone else has said. I know it's hard, harder than all that's gone before, but honestly, if what you've done up to now hasn't been enough, what would be?

I've also felt a lot of sympathy for your DS. He has had a rough ride in all this. I don't know what you could have done different, but I think he does need to know that you're still there for him, even if you can't run round for him. If he gets on well with Biggest and her b/f, can they keep a friendly eye on him for you?

Savvy_sewing

Monday already. All too soon.

Thanks for the kind words everyone.


BF arrived around 11am on Saturday. DGD and I were out side in the garden, she was playing nicely with her bricks and the paddling pool. She used the plastic box from the bricks as a boat at one stage!.
BF came in his little two seater car. (Would have loved a trip out in that to blow the cobwebs away!). Alas no trip out for us this weekend with having DGD!. We took it easy, sitting out in the garden again after lunch, etc. He took on quite a bit of the care of DGD, as she was playing with him a lot. She went to him happily and easily. He allowed me to read my book, and relax considerably. (Well as long as I kept my mind off of the family.).
I did tell him that I had made the decision to back off etc, but he like most of the followers on here, think that I have said this before, so he doesnt believe it. But hopes that I will continue to say No, and put DGD and myself first.
He is fearful of my continuing to have DGD, if we are unable to ascertain her going back to her mothers, (for our future, rather then for my abilities).
But he doesnt say it in so many words. He is more day by day then me. I am more what if?s and a worry wart these days.
Trying to stay optomistic is difficult for me these days. Something that he has noticed that has changed in me over the last 3 years.
DGD had a good sleep in the afternoon, and went to bed well.
She is coming on in leaps and bounds with the potty training. We didnt have a single accident yesterday, or saturday for that matter. Although we had two dry nights on Thursday and friday, she was wet yesterday, but back to a dry nappy this morning, and a big wee in the potty first thing when we got up. Brilliant!!
At this rate we will only need to have one nappy for safety in the night! She is doing so well. I just hope we can keep it up, and if we are not running around at the families beck and call I am sure she will be dry totally very soon. (even if she isnt for a while, she is only 2yrs 9months or will be next week.)

Yesterday was another lazy day. I got up with DGD and watched Cinderella on the video, well she watched it, I read my book and washed up the dishes from the night before. I find it too much to do the cooking, then the pots and pans aferwards. I just want to relax.
I had bought a book for BF in one of the charity shops a few weeks ago, so we both sat reading. Dont think we have ever done that before, except on the beach on holidays. I actually said to him, that i felt like I was on holiday, sitting out and enjoying the garden as well as DGD's play.

He said that the garden was coming on well, and he even watered the plants and refilled DGD's paddling pool for me in the afternoon.
He stopped long enought to watch the football, and DGD and I went back into the garden.

After he had gone, I felt a little lost. We had had a bit of a turn around in the morning, and moved the dining table out of the sitting room and back into the dining room. So my move around is now complete and DGD has so much more space to play in. This room is lighter as its got two big windows and I can still see the lovely view of the hills etc out of the main window. Maybe next winter we will just stay in here, and use the open fire, (with a gaurd of course) rather then the woodburner in the other room. anyway thats a long way off.

I spent the evening writing in my diary, and then I watched Lewis on the tv.
My text package had run out a few days ago, its due to be topped up today, so I called BF in the evening, and we chatted for about 10 minutes. Something that we dont tend to do. Hopefully we can start to talk more and more, and text less and less.

I didnt have any contact from any of the children. When I have topped up the phone today, I will ring DS and tell him that he has post.
I didnt mean to be so hard on him. I think that its the fact that he is mixed up with the same family, which is notorious in the town, and that he is getting bad reports coming back to my ears.
I agree that he doesnt get first dibbs on my attention. It was not meant to be that way, but I suppose since he left home 6 months back, I am out of the habit of having him around.
I am fed up of the fact that he doesnt seem to be bothered about anything, and is so "laid back" about his responsibilites for himself never mind anythingelse. For all his faults, he really had been quite a good boy. Until we left the Pubtrade.
I will talk to him if he will talk to me. But I think that it would be better if he still stayed with his sister for a few days, as I am still very angry with him.
Best he stops with them, and I wont give him a tongue lashing for being so lazy, dirty and irresponsible etc etc etc.
He needs transport from here to do anything. His bike insurance runs out today anyway. He hasnt done anything at all to get his stuff back from Oxford or deal with his debts from there. When he was talking to me, he was expecting me to help him buy another bike, and insure that. Well I am not able to even if I wanted too. Why cannt he ask his Dad.? He doesnt even seem to see him much these days.! Dispite him working in the area now.

Anyway, what ever problems we are having, its not becuase I dont care. I do.

Right, today. I know that twin2 and her BF need to go to town and sign on. I do not know if they have managed to keep any money back for the busfares. But I hope that they have. If they miss signing on, then they will loose their money to live on.
What twin1 is doing? I have no idea.

Me, I hope to stay at home, add to my shopping list, the things I missed off of the delivery last week, and try to save any trips until tomorrow when I take DGD to her nursery.
I want to potter around the cottage, and tidy up abit more then I did yesterday.
On Wednesday afternoon the SW's are coming to see me, about my assessment. So I am trying to see if there is anything I have overlooked that they will think unsafe etc for DGD. Taking each room with a critical eye!.

Already my arm is saying stop typing! so I better post what i have done and check the bankbalance while I can. xx

~Chameleon~

Mooloo wrote: »

Right, today. I know that twin2 and her BF need to go to town and sign on. I do not know if they have managed to keep any money back for the busfares. But I hope that they have. If they miss signing on, then they will loose their money to live on.
What twin1 is doing? I have no idea.

This is a consequence they will have to learn from if that is the case. I know Twin2 might have difficulty with that but not her BF. There is absolutely no excuse for him not to get his act together and make sure they have sufficient funds to get them to the JC.

Please, please, please do not bail them out if they ring you up pleading for your help Mooloo. Let them stand on their own two feet for once and you enjoy a day of leisure with DGD at home xx

Savvy_sewing

~Chameleon~ wrote: »

This is a consequence they will have to learn from if that is the case. I know Twin2 might have difficulty with that but not her BF. There is absolutely no excuse for him not to get his act together and make sure they have sufficient funds to get them to the JC.

Please, please, please do not bail them out if they ring you up pleading for your help Mooloo. Let them stand on their own two feet for once and you enjoy a day of leisure with DGD at home xx

This morning I was intouch with Biggest of Mooloo. She told me that apparantly the twins were in Wales now.
However I am in the middle of arranging for some furniture for twin2, (started before the arguements on Fri), and the woman who is getting rid off it, and their father need to be able to arrange when its to be delivered/collected so I needed to talk to twin2 and see if she was around.
I was quite surprised that when I rang she answered me. Apparantly they were in Wales but are back now. Then she told me that it was an arguement with a few of thier so called friends/etc that lead to the Police taking them away from thier home, and getting them to go somewhere else for thier own safety!.So they didnt call me, they called the BF's friends in Wales.
So there was trouble on Friday. Which actually went ot show that I was right, the family they are mixing with are trouble!. Alas DS is still siding/staying with this family.
Anyway. I have reiterated that I am not available to run them around. etc
Twin2 said that they were going to sign on today. They had enough money for the bus. So at least I do not have to pay out or drive them today. This now should mean that they will get thier money on the 1st, and should with any luck, the new BF will help organise the money and they won't need me again in that respect.!

I had text DS to tell him that his Giro had arrived, and that i would be leaving it at his sisters. (Before I knew about the trouble on Friday), he rang me to tell me I cant leave it there as she is in Wales. I said that she is back now, (didnt tell him I know about the trouble), and that if he wants his giro then he will either have to meet me at the gates of the Nursery at 8am tomorrow, or collect it from his sisters later.
I did appologies for being a bit too hard on him. But said that we need to talk, and probably try and get a family meeting organised so that we can all talk and get the way the land lies sorted out.
However it will be difficult to arrange and will not be for a few days yet.
We will see. I have time to think about that, and about what I want to say, etc if I do go ahead and arrange that.

On a different note,
I have had a phone call from a new Social Worker who is now assigned to DGD case. She is coming to see us next Monday.
I said OK I will see you on Monday, and then again once in a blue moon. She said, we will talk about that next week!. I said well you have to see us once every six weeks at least. Well that is only for the first 12 months of a placement, (so thats till November then!), and after that its 1 every 3 months. Interesting that will be.

Right I have been on and off the computer all morning.
I am having my second cup of tea, really late for me!.
DGD is enthralled with something on the CBBies now. So glad i have that back, even if it is costing me!

The space in the front room is great for her to play now. She has her dolls out at the moment.:D

gizmo111

On a different note,
I have had a phone call from a new Social Worker who is now assigned to DGD case. She is coming to see us next Monday.
I said OK I will see you on Monday, and then again once in a blue moon. She said, we will talk about that next week!. I said well you have to see us once every six weeks at least. Well that is only for the first 12 months of a placement, (so thats till November then!), and after that its 1 every 3 months. Interesting that will be.

It's supposed to be once a week at placement until reg 38 asessment is completed and been approved by panel.