A new start for Mooloo

Savvy_sewing

Errata wrote: »

Of course you deserve a life. I've been reading your threads for years now, and all that seems to happen is one crisis follows another without fail.
Things won't change until you step away. I know you keep saying you will, but until you do things could pretty much carry on the same way for the foreseeable future.
I don't think the twins are taking the mick, I think they're just incapable of 'getting it' and perhaps always will be. They won't change in the way you want them to, so if you want things to change then you have to change.
Virtual cup of tea and a choccy biscuit for you from me.

I just feel that I have hit that "flogging a dead horse" stage of life.
All that is happening is that I am decidedly poorer, tired and stressed. With a very high blood pressure reading a few weeks ago. I dont see improving if I carry on with all the stress.
This is of course going to be hard to do. But I cannot keep propping them up.
The referrals etc by the professionals will have to still be done.! 3 years on!.
The only thing I can do, is take back as much of my life as I can.
The things that I would like to do.
Except of course I now have a 2 year old to care for.
Certainly her future is going to have to be paramount and if I am unable to care for her then thats not going to help.
But how much can i be expected to support her Mum?
I dont have the answers.
I am just worn out, and fed up of trying.
Every single day this week has been taken up in doing things for them and not for me. Thats feels a selfish thought< but I think if I am not selfish, then there is something thats going to give and its me.

queen_vi

hi mooloo hope your ok your grandaughter sounds lovel(you have had a very hard time lately) time now for you and her to chill out together

minimoneysaver

I am so glad that you have finally realised what is going on and how it is not going to change. I teach children with special needs, so understand their behaviours etc. You will not change your daughters. They need more day to day help, which is something that cannot be given unless you are probably under the same roof as them. Your grandsons sound like they are settled with their foster parents and it sounds like DGD loves you very much and needs 100% of your time and attention after her mother has let her down. It is time your you and your beautiful granddaughter to start enjoying life. Stop driving around after them all and get outside and enjoy your fab garden!

Savvy_sewing

queen_vi wrote: »

hi mooloo hope your ok your grandaughter sounds lovel(you have had a very hard time lately) time now for you and her to chill out together

I would say that about 85% of the time DGD is lovely, she is cute, bubbly and very far on. She settled into Nursery on Tuesday as if she was meant to be there immediately.
She can be a devil incarnate at times though. The terrible two tantrum where she laydown on the road and kicked off her heels last week, thankfully are rarely!. But the "No" is quite common alas.
The threat of sitting on the naughty step, (the step between the sitting room and the dining room) doesnt always work. But she is getting the idea!.:D

She seems to have gone down today straight away, which is a relief as she has been up all day.
As I had a bad nights sleep last night, I am glad that she has settled. I doubt I will be far behind her!.

I have borrowed the hosepipe from next door and watered the garden.
I have washed up the dinner things, and my Mr A delivery has arrived and been put away. Alas her Cocopops were missing. So we will have to make do with my SpecK stuff with a banana diced on it!.

My arm is telling me to stop now.

Savvy_sewing

minimoneysaver wrote: »

I am so glad that you have finally realised what is going on and how it is not going to change. I teach children with special needs, so understand their behaviours etc. You will not change your daughters. They need more day to day help, which is something that cannot be given unless you are probably under the same roof as them. Your grandsons sound like they are settled with their foster parents and it sounds like DGD loves you very much and needs 100% of your time and attention after her mother has let her down. It is time your you and your beautiful granddaughter to start enjoying life. Stop driving around after them all and get outside and enjoy your fab garden!

Not so sure that the garden is Fab! its on a slope but it does overlook the fields near by. (Across the road) but we hear the sheep on a regular basis.
The garden is still not all sorted out!. Alas I never had the time.
I do have twice the size vegetable patch then i did have last year. The green house is not being used at the moment except to store bits and pieces. I do have Lettuce, Peas, carrots, spinach, beetroot, peas again, sweetcorn, and courgettes in the garden. Hoping to crop, the Kale is ruined by the slugs n snails.
So time spent on the garden would be a good thing.

DGD loves it outside, but we are close to the road, and so we have to be careful that she doesnt try to wonder off. The snags of an open garden.
Luckily the neighbours, (the landlords parents) are very nice, and they do not mind her wandering into their garden or sitting on thier garden swing seat, and running around thier orchard. Of which I am allowed to help myself to the fruits if I want (when the time comes). I of course have the apple tree too. Last year it was abundant with fruits, and I made lots of jam.
Now thats what I would like to do again this year. Make jam, etc if only I could make the time! Now if I can be strong and stop helping the kids!!

tired_mum

Mooloo after reading this i wanted to shake you but you are a lovely lady and i know what you are trying to do is because you are their mum and love them so i will give you a hug
I think that looking from the outside things seem to get better whilst you are behind the twins with a broom either pushing them with it or using it to clear up but as soon as they are allowed to get on with their lives they cannot cope and dont seem to be able to unless they have 24hr supervision which is never going to happen unless you want to do it and after you will it be the children who become their carers ?.They have friends round doing what? they have no money and need you to take stuff to the tip but no one else can help them. If you continue to run yourself ragged for them you will potentially loose your DGD as you will collapse under the weight of all the problems,you have virtually bankrupted yourself with the running around and playschool fees and to what end you still have no time to yourself. You need a life you deserve a life you will not have one unless you back away and to be honest neither of the twins seems too bothered about their missing children and seem to be making the most of the time without them with their friends whilst you seem to be doing the parenting and not enjoying life
Take care and put yourself first before its too late

Savvy_sewing

I fear that they do "love" their children, but cannot comprehend the enormity of what is happening. They do not live in the real world. Thats the crux of it. They themselves are still children in a lot of ways.

I have realised that I cannot keep this up. That the grandchildren need to be safe, and at twin2's house, if she cannot keep the undesireables out, then its never going to be safe. I thought that the shock of loosing them was going to be the catalyst, but its not.

One day there seems to be big advances, the next day it seems to have reverted further back into the mess of previous days.! So quickly its unbelieveable. This is not just in one home but in both twins homes.
How can I let DGD stop at her Mum's even for a few hours anymore, if she has the wrong people around, if there are cigarettes and ashtrays, cups and cutlery on the floor. infact yesterday I could not see the floor for takeaway papers, cups, clothes, books, magazines, and the like. what I would normally have said was after Playgroup she could take DGD home for a rest and lunch!. That was the advanced state we had reached. But yesterday it had all gone to pot. This happens all the time! They just cannot keep thier homes clean and tidy.
This means that I have to face the fact that DGD will not be returned to her Mum, and the boys definitely will not as they are on the At risk list!. DGD never was.

I understand that I have to look after myself now. With DGD here, if I am not as fit as possible, then it will not be possible to carry on caring for her.
But its going to be very hard.
The children have always been my life. Dispite working all their lives, until the grandchildren were born, and trying to work and care for everyone made me ill.
There comes a "light bulb" moment, be it in our debts, our love lives or work lives. I suppose thats the Moment that I really had yesterday.
That dispite all the energy, effort and expenses, there is nothing I can do to make it work for them. (this seems to include DS as well!).

So I am going to have to back off. Care for the two of us, and try to enjoy something in our lives instead of the continued slog, crisis fighting, and shouting at the services.
If the Social Services do not know what the girls are like now. Then they never will.
My help has to be withdrawn.


Am I trying to convince myself here? I think that I am!
I feel guilty that I want to walk away, and that I want to have a life. Deep down I have always been a giving person, and not a taker! So I feel guilty.
I have to change my mind set, and thats going to be very hard.

I dont feel strong enough to do a new thread, becuse i do not see this as a new start (again), I see it as a very hard and sad moment.

thorsoak

Courage Mooloo! You and DGD can do it! You have accepted a sad but inevitable fact - that unless there are changes in the way in which the Twins live their lives they will not be able to have their children back Not a happy situation to be in - but this situation IS NOT OF YOUR MAKING - and NOR IS IT UNDER YOUR CONTROL. The girls are adult - albeit adults with learning/behavourial difficulties - but they are adults and have to accept responsibilities for their actions.

You have DGD and biggest of Mooloo is there as a backstop. What you have to do at the moment is simple ....you do nothing. Recharge your batteries - do just what is absolutely essential for you and DGD - and ignore everything and everyone else. Concentrate on tiny little pleasures today and tomorrow - enjoy the sun on your shoulders - watch DGD watching beetles and bugs. Enjoy one tiny little grain of peace - and listen to the sheep - can you hear the larks? Let all these little grains build up. Blank all those "what-if" thoughts out of your brain - you cannot do anything about them at the moment - let them go - just for today. Then tomorrow you can let them go again.

Sending you {{hugs}} - and a virtual cup of fragrant coffee and a couple of biccies.

Errata

Mooloo - it is a very hard and sad moment for you. Acceptance of a situation that we would not wish for and had no plans for is the hardest thing we have to do, but acceptance is the first step in moving on instead of going round and round and getting nowhere. The old saying is 'Keep on doing what you're doing and you'll keep on getting what you've got'.
I think you've identified very clearly what the twins will be able to manage and what they won't. That's not an easy thing to do, it's sometimes quite hard to see what has changed and what hasn't when we're 'in the thick of it' all the time. Would it help if you thought about how the twins were 5 years ago and compare how they are now to see if there have been significant changes in how they manage their lives themselves ? Is this something you could talk through with Biggest ?
The twins have their support workers, social workers and solicitors, and it's often seemed that by putting their needs before your own you've sometimes missed the boat in getting the support you and DGD need to live happy and relaxed lives. DGD can't stick up for herself so must rely on you to stick up for her.
Changing how we think about something is always hard work and I wonder if you've considered asking your GP for half a dozen sessions with a practice counsellor to help you work through it ? If that doesn't work, you're no worse off, and if it does help then you will feel a lot more settled about things and see them even more clearly than you are at the moment.
You've had a really tough time over the past few months and you've done well to come through it but it does indeed sound like you've now had your 'lightbulb' moment. Don't waste it, make sure your actions fit your words.
HTH - I've thought very hard about what I've written, and as always send you my best wishes.

Savvy_sewing

Thanks,
We are going to go out and hang the washing out. See if we can use the hosepipe to fill up the paddling pool. (its old, it leaks but she can have her bath toys out there, and we can enjoy the early morning before the heat of the day.
My BF is coming over later. So we have that to look forward to.
I hear the birds, but I couldnt tell you which one is which. They started at 3.45 this morning!. So probably are the larks.!