My kids are being bullied - What can i do?

Taye

Ok abit of background,

My eldest son is 9 and has always been prone to being bullied he's dyspraxic and i suspect also on the autisum scale he's not really like other boy's he's very mild mannered and will burst into tears at the drop of a hat often for no comphensable reason making him an easy target.

My youngest is 7 and abit more rough and tumble typical boy but is again a good natured child, he has his moments but he's very freindly outgoing wants to be friends with everyone and has loads of friends in school.

last summer my eldest had trouble with one of the other boy's in the street he started bullying my eldest son who frankly can't handle it and a session of bullying effect's him for days, numerous visit's to the other boy's parents got us no-where.

In the begining they where quite helpful and i'll give them there due they tried quite hard to get the boy's to be friends unfortunatly it became clear there that the little boy in question was more in control of them than they where in control of him, alble to turn on the water works at any given moment and say sorry.

Eventually there was an incident where the little boy scratched my son in the face almost taking his eye's out, an injury which required medical attention and will now leave him with 3 perminant scar's down the left hand side of his face. The mother at the time YET again called her son over to answer for what he did, the little boy burst into tears she said "see he's very sorry" and let him go back to play with no punishment.

Luckily the summer was nearly over and we managed to get though it, however this year it's all started up again and this year the boy's youngest brother is playing out too and the bullying has already started,

My eldest son is now point blank refusing to play outside (to the point he would rather be punished than go outside) my yongest has played out a few times with this little boy and each time it's ended in tears, last night's "fun" resulting in a ripped jacket and broken toy (we don't have alot of money and my kids don't have many toys so it was very upsetting) i've been over to see the parents but they are now refusing to even acknowledge a problem basically saying i's just "boy's will be boys" rough housing.

Yesterday i got so mad i stormed outside because there was 4 children the boy and his brother and some kids from the next street physically hitting my 7 year old, i called my son over but they physically held him and wouldn't let him go and when i demanded that they let him go the response i got was "make me" and "you can't touch us" at which point they started throwing stones at me !!!

Help this is getting out of control this boy from our street is the ring leader his parents have no control over him and nor do they care!! but f the parent;s don't care who else can i go too?? my kids are living like hermits and all i want for them is to play and have a normal childhood and not be a prisoner in thier own home.

suekjw

My boy is 7 and has dyspraxic tendencies so you have my sympathy. You try and get them to toughen up, but they can't. We had an incident a few weeks ago where he got hit in the face quite badly by a 5 yo friend of my DD's. Lots of blood, scar. Took a few days, but the parent and child did come around and apologise (there was no mistaking the injury - was the talk of their school).

It's difficult knowing what to suggest. What I do tend to do is make my garden a fun place to be, and all the children are welcome there, BUT if they break the rules (any bullying) they are no longer welcome.

I'm sure you'll get better advice, but just wanted to say I understand.

magic_mummy

My children were both bullied(now 25 and 27)because we lived on a narrowboat in a wealthy area. In the end I hadto resort to not letting them play with the bullies but invited individual children in to play for a while. It's easy for your children to start thinking like victims and encouraging more bullying but the chances are , it will be somebody elses turn to be the target of this particular family soon. You need to keep your cool, engage directly with the bully-keeping your cool and make sure they know who the adult is. In my experience you can't fix it because often the parents are the root of the problem. They are probably fueling the flames behind closed doors with derogatory remarks about you, making it ok in the kids minds to treat you badly. It is a bear pit out there for children, especially if they are nice kids, as yours sound. The bullies now crave my daughters attention and tell her they were jealous of her. Also, a dog helps, a loyal jack russell, I'm not talking rottwielers here!

amandada

TO be honest, with what you describe as happening last night, I'd be getting the police involved at this point.
That's not something I say lightly as I work with them and get sick of parents calling the police to sort out children's arguments, but what you describe goes beyond children arguing between themselves (and I am a great believer in children learning to sort these things out for themselves without parents jumping in for them)

I'd not go any further with encouraging them to be friends to be honest, but to do as magic mummy suggests and invite other children to play.
My ds and another little boy in the street just don't get on (ds is just 7 and the other boy is 10) and ds just gives him a wide berth now-it's the easiest way.

Are there any problems at school or is it just with the kids in the street?

Lunar_Eclipse

So sorry to hear this Taye. I've tried to think about what I would do in this situation. And I think I'd do a number of things:

I would not force either of my children out to play under any circumstances, especially whilst these kids are around.

I would talk to my kids thoroughly about all incidents as they arise, explaining that you do not approve of behaviour like this, discussing how it makes them feel etc. This is firstly so they feel listened to and supported and secondly because often bullies are people who have been bullied themselves, so I'd be trying to ensure my children never executed these bad habits.

Since your boys are still fairly young (my girls are also 7 & 9), I would consider hanging around outside whilst they played. I do this anyway sometimes, just to be social and let them know I'm interested in what they're doing. In fact you could initiate games (rounders, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, searching for bugs etc) that the other kids would probably love to get involved in and would soon see a positive happy family having fun that they might want to become proper friends with your son (not that you need to go this far.)

I would be vocal of my disapproval of these boys behaviour when outside. And let them know they aren't welcome on your property if needs be (do you have a driveway or small front garden?)

I would invite friends to your house/garden and make a real effort to have loads of fun. This allows your boys to forget the bullies, prevents the bullies from being able to bully your boys and thus forces them to find something else to do and if it makes them jealous about missing out because they are NOT invited, even better. And go out to play at the local parks/woods/river etc.

I would keep a record of everything, taking photos if you like (of incident last night for example - a picture of them holding your son and throwing stones will not go down well if you need to involve the Police!)

I have thought about writing a letter to the parents of said children about last night, informing them of what you witnessed, telling them that you are considering involving the Police. But, this could completely back fire, so I think I would steer clear of future involvement with them.

Try to stay calm and positive, as hard as it seems. It should pass if you don't over react.

Hope that helps a bit.

DKLS

I know very little about dyspraxia, so my post may be of no use what so ever.
But here goes, I benefited hugely from attending martial art classes, my confidence increased in strides, and I was more able to handle the bullies with a number of techniques, I only once had to actually "fight" and with a combination of Ju-Jitsu and Psychiatric Nurse restraint moves, I managed to totally humiliate the bully in front of the entire school, without hitting him once. He is now my best friend.

My two nephews started Karate early this year, and the effect on them has been amazing, from unruly, inarticulate and rude kids, to confident, articulate well behaved kids. All credit to them and their teacher.

Taye

There are problems with the eldest at school the dyspraxia/autism make him the easy target, he's 9 and isn't good at sport due to the dyspraxia so generally isn't good at the usual sort of playground games.

The school have worked well with me to solve the problems there, he's got a group of "older" friends at school who tend to look after him but the school and i have expressed worrys as next year the older friends go to senior school and that will leave him on his own again.

The school are also concerned about when he go's to seniors as he is such an easy target but have promised to look into it next september and see what help is available, he has already recived help from a "keep safe" worker due to bullying at school.

My youngest has no such problems at school seems to have lots of friends, he's quite confident and outgoing teachers say he's popular with both students and teachers.

TBH my youngest was getting along quite well with the bully for a while but he isn't the sort to sit back and watch his friends bullying his brother or anyone else for that matter. Infact last night incident occured when the group "turned" on a neighbour's niece (my eldest was inside hiding) and he didn't think they where being nice so he stuck up for her. My youngest can be a handful, loveable rogue type charecter but he know's its wrong to bully and will stick up for anyone who is being bullied.

I've tried telling my boy's to stay away from him but this little boy will physically hound them, even if they are playing at the other end of the street, he's even been known to shout abuse while there where playing in our own back garden.

My kids do play quite abit in my garden, but i really feel they need to be spreading thier wings abit and interacting with other children, trapped alone in my garden isn't really helping thier social skills nor can they do simple things like ride thier bike there, i have trying inviting kids in to my garden to play with them, but these are 9-10 year old kids they want to be on the front besides my garden is not exactly highly desirable, not much for them to do other than play on the lawn.

Im at a loss as to what to do, this child doens't even acknowledge my authority as an adult. We've alread had an incident where this child was in my back garden taunting my boys and when i told him quite sternly to leave he said "NO", i can't very well drag him out of my garden though i wish i could but if i did i bet i'd end up the one down at the police station.

Taye

Just to add, this kid really doens't care if im there or not... i've tried setting up games on the front with the other kids on the street, but he's a ring leader of the other kids who i feel are to scared to go against him, if he says the other kids arn't allowed to play with mine, they don't. He'll also hit and kick my kids even if im watching, he really doens't care as he knows i can't physically stop him.

I've thought about martial arts / clubs etc my youngest would go and probabally benifit/enjoy it though he doesn't really need help with confidence, if i could find the money (money is REALLY tight). My eldest though is very introvert though and refuses any and all suggestions especially anything of a physical nature.

i can understand it the dsypraxia would mean things like martial arts would be very very hard to do even things like cubs have a physical element that i feel might make him feel more abnormal than he already does.

Simple things like playing catch in the park usually end up in tears even though as his family we don't care if he misses the ball every single time, it just makes him feel like he should be able to do the things his younger brother can, when franky physically development wise he's pretty far behind.

Minxy_Bella

I think you've already had some excellent advice. I do not let my children (14, 7, 10) play on the streets - we have chosen friends come over to play in the house and garden (which is tiny!) or if we go to the park, they are supervised by an adult who keeps their distance, but is within eyesight.

This particular boy is heading for big trouble and I would have called the police already tbh, even if it was purely to start a log of complaints against him. The police will want to know who to keep an eye on when he's older and getting into more serious trouble.

Personally, I would have dragged the boy out of the garden, but by the sleeve of his jumper rather than his body. My ex did a similar thing when a lout tried to spray our cat with a paint aerosol and yes, we did have the police come round - but when we explained, they went over to the boy's house and gave him a rollocking!

You cannot allow yourself to be bullied by this child, as well as your children (your youngest boy sounds like a little hero to me and I don't blame your eldest one bit for not wanting to play with the thug!)

Do you know if any other parents are feeling the same way as you, in your neighbourhood? Maybe a bit of support and group action might change these daft parents' attitude?

Lunar_Eclipse

Taye wrote: »

he's even been known to shout abuse while there where playing in our own back garden.

but these are 9-10 year old kids they want to be on the front besides my garden is not exactly highly desirable, not much for them to do other than play on the lawn.

when i told him quite sternly to leave he said "NO", i can't very well drag him out of my garden

You have to ignore the vocal abuse; it's not physically hurting anyone.


I would strongly encourage you to make your garden more interesting to your children. They are so young that it is still the perfect playground for them. Are they interested in growing their own vegetables? Digging up a small bit of soil to make tunnels, ramps & hills for small cars (I did this at 9), take the lego/whatever toys they play with outside, make a camp from sheets, have sack races with pillow cases etc. You don't need loads of money, a swing set or trampoline for them to love being in the garden. There, I have just sorted that one out for you!;)


I have never had to deal with a child like you describe. He sounds vile. If I got that "NO" I would tell the child that firstly you are appauled/disappointed/disgusted by his rudeness so he is no longer welcome, it's your house so he cannot be there without your permission and yes, you will lead him out firmly by the hand/arm if he doesn't leave of his own accord. If you are worried about ending up at the Police station, make it easy for yourself and ensure that he doesn't come into your garden or house in the first place! Tell your kids he is not welcome, full stop. They will learn that people enforce consequences to behaviour. Feel free to remind them that this bully is *not* a friend, whether they are getting along with him that day or not.

Lunar_Eclipse

Taye wrote: »

He'll also hit and kick my kids even if im watching, he really doens't care as he knows i can't physically stop him.

I think you can. You are not allowed to hit him, but you can restrain him so he can't continue with this violent behaviour. He is testing limits, the message he is receiving is this behaviour is acceptable to you, because you are doing nothing to stop it, beyond asking him to.

Tbh, the more you write, the more I think I would just stop my kids going outside. Or move house. It sounds beyond ridiculous. I couldn't live in an area like that (and before anyone starts, yes, most people do have a choice about where they live.) A bedsit in a significantly better area with nicer people would make your life so much better.

I said not to over react, maybe I've just completely contradicted myself.:D