Husband had drink with female work colleague and lied to me - dont know what to do

MrsTinks

Either you have a relationship with him or you don't - if you do then you need to trust him! If you don't trust him then you don't have a relationship - sorry.
Both DH and I are still friends with ex's and we both go for drinks/lunch/coffee with friends of the opposite sex. And no we don't always see the need to get permission from home or even tell each other we've had lunch with so and so...
If it's someone that we know the other won't be comfortable with us seeing then we'll say something first but otherwise we're married - we're not chained to eachother
If after 7 years you still won't treat him as an adult - although he's not stepped out of line in that time then I think you might need to re-evaluate your relationship or possibly get some councelling as you obviously haven't managed to move on from the indcident 7 years ago. Unless you learn to move on then how will you react when your children get older and they start going out and not telling you the truth about where they have been, what they've done and who they've been seeing? I fully expect my daughter to fib to me come the age of 15 when she starts getting interested in boys - hopefully she won't but I recall telling my mum a fair few white lies about who'd been at the party etc

princeofpounds

I'll give you my perspective as a bloke... there's a reasonable chance that he does have feelings for this woman, just in the sense of enjoying her company if nothing else.

But that does not mean that he wants to take it any further than that. Unfortunately his lying/omission to you doesn't really demonstrate anything much because he would never have felt he could be open with you about it given the ultimatum you have given him in the past (which might have been reasonable on a temporary basis but the trust should have been rebuilt over 7 years to relax it).

I think kicking him out would be a total overreaction given what you know so far. I'm a bit worried that this felt like the natural option.

I think you need to sit down with him, explain to him that you love him, that you really appreciate he is trying to reassure - lead in with the positives as this will help stop any defensiveness. Then you need to be quite open and tell him that it has upset you, both the act and the omission of the truth, and then you can try and figure out a way to stop it happening in future and agree it together.

If he defends himself by saying nothing happened, then you can say you acknowledge that, but the intimacy with another woman still hurts you emotionally and you would prefer not to be hurt by the person you love.

You have to recognise that the physical act of going out to coffee with someone is not in itself out of order. The problems have only arisen because of the emotional complexities surrounding it.

As for your kids, it's a shame they even found out about this at this stage, and he has probably done the right thing in admitting he upset you by lying about something but that you are talking through it. It is not necessary to involve them in the details, especially if it is resolved.

Filey

Nothing is perfect. Your husband isn't. You're not. Your kids aren't. The world, the universe and everything isn't. These days we expect everything to be 100% perfect but we have to rub along with life as it is, not how we would like it to be or even expect it to be.

You say you love your husband and can't imagine life without him, he is a good father, a good husband (generally), kind, mostly thoughtful and considerate, the kids love him to bits. Jeez, if I'd had a husband like that I would have forgiven him a lot, even going out for coffee with a work colleague when he was feeling fed up. So he had an affair seven years ago. (I get the impression from the statistics that there are probably more men who've had a fling than not.) But since then he's been faithful.

You need to weigh things in the balance. Is it worth giving up all the good aspects of your life together (and there seem to be a lot) or would it be better for you, and the kids don't forget, to stick it out, enjoy and appreciate what you have.

crisispoint

Thanks everyone. Can I just say that I haven't kept him prisoner for the last 7 years although he told me he is still paying for that mistake. He still gets to go with his mates to footie matches and the pub after, he's been to 2 or 3 stag weekends and nights out at work. He doesnt go out often and I have never said he couldn't. I didnt start checking his phone and questioning where he was during all this time although he knows what I was thinking. He knew the trust wouldnt be the same before he came back first time, I told him so. When we split 7 years ago it was him that asked for us to get back together and after a further 6 months I decided yes. People view me as very strong minded, saying exactly what I feel and were shocked at how low and depressed I got 7 years ago, telling me I am a fighter. Well in everyday life I am but when things like this happen it just floors me. Last night I went to a friends for a while and my husband told my eldest what he'd done. How he had lied to me and shouldn't have gone for coffee with a woman from work. My eldest asked him to be truthful with him which he was. I wasn't happy my husband mentioned it. Husband not in from work but I text him and said if the kids were ok and I was ok and you could afford to would you go and he said - absolutely not - he wants his family. I done this because I want to know if he is here its for the right reasons and not because he cant afford a place or doesn't want to upset the kids. Its been a really really horrible day and now I'm waiting on him coming in from work.

SugarSpun

I'd be more concerned by the lying than the coffee. Why not go on the holiday together, let the kids go off and build sandcastles or kiss unsuitable locals or whatever it is kids do on holidays these days, and spend the time talking with your husband? It seems to me it would be important to find out why he needed to lie and then to talk that out so you end up in a position where you're honest with each other from now on.

My husband has female friends and is an incorrigible flirt. I have male friends and am an incorrigible flirt. There's no issue for us, because it's all out in the open and we're honest with each other. We got married; we didn't go blind and we still appreciate the aesthetic of good looking people who aren't each other. The lying, though, I'd have a serious problem with. It's all very well to have lunch or a coffee with someone else, but if he told me he was somewhere else when it was happening and I found out about it I'd be gutted.

lostinrates

SugarSpun wrote: »

I'd be more concerned by the lying than the coffee. ...... It seems to me it would be important to find out why he needed to lie and then to talk that out so you end up in a position where you're honest with each other from now on.
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I agree. Its worth pointing out this could have been from fear of your reaction, or sparing you from fearing his motive.

I'm a flirt. I always have been, I always will be (my mother is a little old woman and still flirts) if DH were to clip my wings it would not me me he were married to anymore. BUT he has no need to fear whatsoever. He knows there is a line I will never cross, and that the only person I want is him. Its between us we whisper our hopes and dreams and comfort each others fears and disappointments. Why would I want someone else?

(however I balance this, because its also important to make clear ffaires are not always caused by being driven away by the non cheating partner, and I would hate OP to think I meant that)

swiss69

crisispoint wrote: »

Last night I went to a friends for a while and my husband told my eldest what he'd done. How he had lied to me and shouldn't have gone for coffee with a woman from work. My eldest asked him to be truthful with him which he was. I wasn't happy my husband mentioned it.

I am not surprised - You should never tell children what is happening in an adult world as they just wont understand it at that age!

I heard something once at about that age and to be honest 30 years later I still remember what I heard. I remember little else from that time period so you can see what a profound effect it can have on a child.

He probably didn't tell you because he knew you would go mad but you are right to be suspicious because had the parking ticket not been issued he probably would have had many more Coffee's which can lead to more.

However, having said that I have female friends who I see from time to time and occcasionally have spent 3 hours or so with catching up and chatting about our lives. The difference is my partner knew about it and whilst not thrilled trusted me enough to know that nothing would happen.

Jealousy and mistrust is mainly about your own insecurities but there are also many men and women out there who will have affairs. I am not one of them as I really dont think its worth it but plenty do as you know.

Primrose

I understand how difficult it must be for you, especially as your husband previously had an affair in the past. Trust is a very fragile emotion once it has been destroyed. Perhaps it would help if you could step back emotionally and think a little more about your own feelings and why you feel so insecure and worthless and unable to cope on your own. However difficult your last separation was, you came through it and you now have to be strong for your children while you battle through the current situation. Think about all the things that you do well and build on them. Start valuing yourself more highly. I think you should go on the holiday next week and use the opportunity to have a long discussion with your husband about where you think your marriage is going and why he felt he had to have these secret meetings with a work colleague. Partners in strong marriages don't need to be tied to each other by the hip and sometimes it's good for each of them to have a personal friend or confidant occasionally. The issue is perhaps "has your marriage never really recovered from the previous separation and does he now feel that he will never be trusted again, even if he had no intention of doing anything wrong." Perhaps your husband is finding it difficult to cope with your strong dependence on him and is feeling overwhelmed by the emotional pressure this is exerting on him. I don't think it is helpful to tell him he can't have female friends although I can see that his earlier behaviour triggered this. However, either you trust him or you don't but if he is innocent, do you really expect him to have to put sections of his life into little compartmentalised boxes for ever to protect your insecurity? Go on holiday, relax and if you bring the issue up for discussion, try not to do it it a confrontational way. You might find your anxiety has caused it all to be blown up out of all proportion to what actually happened.

JoJoB

swiss69 wrote: »

I am not surprised - You should never tell children what is happening in an adult world as they just wont understand it at that age!

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From my experience it was much more damaging not knowing what the hell was going on when my parents relationship was on the rocks. It was hugely upsetting not knowing WHY there was constant door-slamming and hysterics. There are more people in the family than just the parents and they should be open as far as possible about situations which affect everyone, and certainly answer truthfully as they can when asked a straight question. Children are often much more emotionally astute than we give them credit for. IMO.

MadMac_2

OP, just wanted to send you a virtual hug and say do what feels right for you. Lots of very good advice has already been written here and I hope you don't push him too far away when you clearly do love each other still.

It takes a strong person to swallow their emotions and see things for what they really are. Doing this will also make the situation seem far less threatening. Don't let the past rule your present and try to keep things in proportion - you both have a lot to lose.

I'll be honest - if I were a man and needed someone neutral to talk to, I wouldn't pick another man! They are useless at listening - a woman is a much better choice logically, even if not the most sensible choice given his previous history!

It is never easy to get your OH to open up about such personally emotive issues, but I wish you the best of luck and hope the two of you can communicate and clear the air sooner rather than later.