Husband had drink with female work colleague and lied to me - dont know what to do

crisispoint

I found out yesterday that my husband finished work early one day last week and spent the afternoon in a coffee shop with someone he sees at work. She works in the same area (retail park) - not the same office .There was only the 2 of them and he asked her for cofffee. I found out because a parking ticket came through for him and after lots of excuses he finally told me the truth. He was fed up at work - she was fed up and finishing early so he decided to finish early and asked her for coffee. Apparently they have met for drinks 3 times in the past. The first was with a group that she works with,the 2nd was a quick coffee on their own then this.

My problem is 7 years ago he had an affair with a 'friend' of mine. which almost destroyed me and my family. He left me to move in with her and stopped there for 3 months when they split up. Eventually after about a year and a half separated we got back together. It wasnt easy at first but I thought we had worked our way through it. The past few years have been almost normal then I found this out. He said nothing happened, that he just gets on with her and looking back he was totally stupid and cant explain why he did it and didnt think about the consequences. That he loves me and our life together and it was just chat - not personal.

My first instinct was to tell him to get out but I am worried sick about my children. (11,8). The eldest knows something is wrong and is sending texts to us both saying are you OK, love you both. My husband told my son he done a really stupid thing and lied to mum and has really upset her but not gone any further than that.

I am trying to decide if he's a really good liar or been really stupid and where to go from here. The last time we separated I ended up with severe depression and found it really difficult to cope with my work and children and not being a family any more. The thought of that again is killing me and I dont know if I can do it. The devasation to my kids will be immense as they are both such daddys kids. My husband says he doesnt want to lose us and I do believe its not got any further and he is telling the truth but again he has destroyed my trust. He wouldnt have told me if he hadnt received the parking ticket. It sounds mad but he is a really good husband and fantastic dad and the thought of telling my children and the devasation it would cause if we separated is killing me. When I get problems I cant cope too well - I just fall apart. I cant talk to my family as they have only started talking to him in the past 2 years after the affair 7 years ago so Ive no one to tell really.

Weve booked to go on holiday next week and I dont know what to do. I dont want to go on my own with the kids because I dont cope well and I dont want himto take the kids and me stay here because all I will do all week is focus on this and miss my children. We've also got a summer holiday booked which the kids are so looking forward to. I want to put this behind me and say its been totally and utterly selfish and stupid and carry on but dont know if I'm being niave and stupid if I do that. I dont want to be on my own again and I cant bear the thought of telling my kids we may be separating. I cant stop crying and being sick and dont know what to do.

UKTigerlily

I don't have any answers i'm afraid, but didn't want to read & run. I think trust is really important for a relationship & it seems you can't trust him, understandably. Have you thought about trying counselling, through somewhere like relate maybe? Maybe they could help you to feel confident & to trust him, and he may learn to think before he does things. If it's totally innocent he'll be upset too.

I know when my Dad was playing about he'd get into a right tizz trying to explain away things & the excuses he gave never added up. I think maybe have a chat with him & explain that you want to trust him but find it difficult when he's been for a drink with the other woman & that you want to be able to trust him & suggest Relate?

I don't know him so it could well be totally innocent, but I understand how you just don't know. My Mum said for her all trust had gone & without trust there was no relationship, so only you can decide whether to trust him or to try to work through things. Relate will see you alone should you want to go & your Hubby doesn't.

As it's happened before i'm wondering why he hasn't told you, maybe he knew you'd be upset & wonder if he's cheating? I'd go on the holiday, have some time away from normal life to relax & enjoy each others company & maybe you can have a chat one night.

crisispoint

thank you. We did go to Relate last time which was his suggestion as it took a lot of persuading for me to go back. He did tell me in the sense that he text me saying going for quick drink after work which he does with his work mates occasionally so I didnt think any different. He has said that he'd never cheat on me that he learned from the last time that the grass is not greener and he doesnt want to lose his home and his family for what he's done and now I'm trying to decide if he's a scheming liar or a stupid man.

Paparika

It is ok for husbands to have female friends as long as it is just friends, you have mistrust in him because of the past. maybe they both just needed to chill out away from work and he hid this from you because he knew you would react badly?


Take the time on holiday to both take a breather and talk, he could be stressed at work and wants to talk with someone who understands as they too work there.


going over and over 'are you having an affair with her' will no doubt push him to ... (maybe)

He knows he has done wrong to hide this from you, it's down to you to believe or not believe him.

KK22_2

I would go on holiday with your husband and your kids. By the sounds of things you could all do with a break. Have a chat with your husband before you go away. Let him know why you are worried and concerned about his behaviour. If he had nothing to hide, then he should have learned from past experiences that being honest with you is going to be the best policy. Try and discuss it with him before you go away. The holiday could be a chance to put this behind you and have a fresh start.

I can understand why it would be difficult to deal with these things in your situation and given his past history but good luck. Keep us updated!

simpywimpy

I can see why you are unhappy with what he has done based on the past - I would feel exactly the same but as you are otherwise happy, I would for now keep things as they are.

Enjoy your holiday away and try not to let it cloud your time together
Good luck

Pee

This is obviously bothering you, and I can understand why given the past. However from what you are saying it sounds like he texted you to say that he was going for a drink, just hadn't told you who with, as maybe he knew you wouldn't like it.

How would you have reacted if he had told you at the time and how might he have expected you to react?

I sincerely hope that you aren't being lied to, but if you are, you will find out soon enough.

Paprika - in some marriages it is in order for one of the parties to go for a drink with someone of the opposite sex, but in some it is not and this needs to be something that is agreed upon by and suits both parties.

crisispoint

Thank you all. I told him after the affair that he wasnt to have female friends as he couldnt be trusted. For the past 7 years I do believe that nothing else has happened - the trouble is when things like this happen it makes me wonder if everything else is true. Last Monday he was out with friends and I start thinking was he telling me the truth now. He's told me I can phone them but I'm not going to do that. I'm just gutted. My world was going along quite happy and now this. He looked shocked last night when I said I didnt know if I wanted him to stay and he said you cant ask me to leave because of an innocent drink that I shouldnt have had. He's text me this morning to say he loves us all and our life together and didnt think this would snowball but the point is he still hid it from me. If it wasnt for the parking notice I wouldnt have known and who knows how long it would have carried on for. I love him and have always done which is why the separation last time was so difficult for me. Everyone kept saying think of what he's done to you but all I could think of was the damage and impact on my kids and immediate family. It felt like a huge loss. the house suddenly felt empty and there was a huge void in my life . All the weekly things we done together stopped ie meals, cinema etc. I know I'm not the only one to deal with this and separation is common but not for me its never what I wanted. My head says he cant be trusted and should go but I'm petrified of being on my own again. My heart says overall he's a great dad and husband who has been stupid. It really is like the angel and devil on my shoulder. As I said i cant discuss it with my family because they certainly wont be understanding. It was only 2 years ago they started including him on birthday and christmas cards again! My first thought was to take the kids and go to my mums but she lives 200 miles away and is not sypmathetic in the least, very cut and dried so that would make it even harder.

skintchick

Pee wrote: »

This is obviously bothering you, and I can understand why given the past. However from what you are saying it sounds like he texted you to say that he was going for a drink, just hadn't told you who with, as maybe he knew you wouldn't like it.

How would you have reacted if he had told you at the time and how might he have expected you to react?

I sincerely hope that you aren't being lied to, but if you are, you will find out soon enough.

Paprika - in some marriages it is in order for one of the parties to go for a drink with someone of the opposite sex, but in some it is not and this needs to be something that is agreed upon by and suits both parties.

totally. It wouldn;t be acceptable in mine.

DeeDee74

crisispoint wrote: »

I am trying to decide if he's a really good liar or been really stupid and where to go from here.

My husband says he doesn't want to lose us and I do believe its not got any further and he is telling the truth but again he has destroyed my trust. He wouldn't have told me if he hadn't received the parking ticket. .

aw hun Ive been in the same predicament as you and it is a hard one to answer..
did you DH come clean about the affair in the past?

for a relationship to work you have to have honesty and trust with out it u might as well not bother. you know your DH better than anyone, if he's lied then admits he did ask him why he wasn't honest in the first place??

wish you all the best Hun x

pukkamum

I think the major problem here is the trust, he knows you don't fully trust him (rightly so) so he didn't tell you about the drink as he knew it would upset you.
My problem with that is that if he knew you would be upset by him going for a drink with another woman then why on earth did he do it?
If he had to because of work or it was part of a bigger group fair enough but him actually instigating a coffee with her, i would have major issues with that regardless of whether or not something went on.
What he has done now (as far as i can see) is set back any progress you may have made on the trust issue.
So i would tell him just how angry and upset you are with the fact that he has done something he knows would upset you and lied about it.
I'm sorry but i would be inclined to wonder what else he has lied about if he was willing to lie about his?

I know that all may seem slightly brutal but i have a friend who has been through a very similar scenario x x x