Husband had drink with female work colleague and lied to me - dont know what to do

davetrousers

So are you going to pay the parking 'fine'?

Pee

I don't think running away, even for some space will help. I can understand why you feel you want to, but as you say, your Mum wouldn't be the right person. Do you have anyone you could talk to who likes him? The reason I say this is that it would be good to talk to someone who can reassure you that he loves you and that he can be trusted, but if you don't have any friends who like him, what is the reason for that? Is he busy at work so doesn't see them or do they feel that he treats you badly?

If you are thinking he can't be trusted, then maybe there is more to this, and your intuition or subconsious is picking this up.

You can't stay with someone because you are scared to be on your own. You would manage fine on your own and if you are only staying with him to avoid being alone, you will be happier on your own. Is there anything you could do now to make any future void more manageable?

On the other hand, you might decide that the nice life you have and the fact that you love him is sufficient for you to stay together, even though you have these concerns.

DJUK_2

Hi Hun, I am very sorry about this situation ...... I Think you made the bravest decision to take him back 7 years ago and work at your marriage ..... We all make mistakes and can just drift along instead of making good quality time for our families. Go on Holiday have a fabulous time and put this little hic up to the back of your mind.... Is having a coffee with a female worker worth all this energy and bitterness ??? I no he made a huge mistake last time and he was extremly lucky u took him back. You must make it clear to him that you and your children being hurt again in the future at his hands will not be tolerated.

I wish u all the best xxxx

crisispoint

Pee: Thanks. I'm not staying with him because I don't want to be on my own. I do love him and the life we have together - that's the hardest loss for me to deal with if we separate. I didnt ever stop loving him.

I have spoken to my friend at work who knows him. She says he's just a stupid thoughtless guy and she doesnt believe for one minute that he would be unfaithful again. She says he values his life with me and the kids too much and has been stupid. I asked if she thought he was a good liar and not telling me the whole truth and she said no. She thinks I should go on holiday with him and the kids and think about it as I have a lot to lose. I dont want to go into details but to to past history my family ie 4 of us is the most important thing in the world to me.

Pee

I think you should be taking her advice. Have a good time.

socrates

From a mans perspective - once the trust has gone in a relationship - its a 'ticking time bomb'

The bit where you told him not to have any female friends - is what he should have been telling you not the other way round. Once you tell somebody not to do something - they are more likely to want to do it

Put the shoe on the other foot - you had an affair with one of his mates - (he probably would not have had you back) and now you go for a drink with another man and don't tell him ......

Sorry to be so blunt - but its always good to get different types of answers and I agree with a lot of what other people have said.

As for holidays when there are problems - they can make things worse as you are confined

GracieP

Hi crisispoint, I'd just like to suggest that there are lots of different types of counselling. So if you tried Relate before but don't think it will help you now maybe a different style of counselling would help?

I think you sound very lost and unsure, and perhaps if you find something practical to help it will give you a direction to focus on. And hope that things can work out whether that is in or out of this marriage.

crisispoint

Thank you. - it is helpful to have all views. I guess in the end only me can decide. i do feel really unsure. When I asked him to go he said he didnt want to, when he said he had nowwhere to go I said it wasnt my problem, then he asked if that is what I wanted and he would do what I wanted so then I start thinking does he want out but wants me to make the decision? it really is a very unsure time. Its difficult to talk to him with the kids about.

socrates

crisispoint wrote: »

I start thinking does he want out but wants me to make the decision?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head - its much easier guilt wise for him if that happens.

I wonder what his itemised mobile phone bills show....

floss2

crisispoint wrote: »

...I told him after the affair that he wasnt to have female friends as he couldnt be trusted. For the past 7 years I do believe that nothing else has happened - the trouble is when things like this happen it makes me wonder if everything else is true........

Now before you bite my head off, I have been through this scenario and come out the other side (the detail of what happened is irrelevant).

Do you think maybe it is time to slacken the rope you have around your husband's neck, after 7 years? Do you honestly believe a marriage can be rebuilt if one partner has "told" another what they can and cannot do?

Trust needs to be earned, not granted as if it were a highly prized award.... after 7 years of doing as he is told and keeping his nose clean perhaps your husband has had enough of these "rules" and feels he has proven he can be trusted....yet you wonder why he didn't tell you - probably because he expected you to react in this way.

I think that during your holiday maybe you should think about whether some counselling for you (not just as a couple) would help you to work through the whole affair / trust thing and enable you to move on from this awful predicament that you have both got into.

Good luck
Floss xx