Husband had drink with female work colleague and lied to me - dont know what to do

Ivrytwr3

no, he made a serious mistake and needs to make this up to her every day.

If he was bored/sick of work, instead of going for "coffee" he should have come home to his family.

roswell

Would this be a issue if the coffee was at work with a female work colleuge?

mrcow

Why is he fed up?
Is he not happy at work?
I'd be more worried about that tbh. if he's unhappy, then you need to be talking and sorting it through.

Personally I don't see the big deal abut going out for coffee with someone. male or female.

You're his partner - not his keeper!

If he's saying that there's nothing going on with this woman, then unless you're being faced with evidence to the contrary, then you've no reason not to believe him.

Go on holiday with your family. Enjoy yourselves. Talk things through as and how you need to.

If you need to talk without the children around, then get a babysitter and go out for an evening and really say to each other what you need to say. If either of you want "out" then it's time to start being honest.

He knows you're upset. But sometimes when things are getting on top of you, talking it through with someone else helps. The fact that it's a female may have just made him feel flattered too.

People do have the capability to do really stupid things at times. If in your heart you don't think that there is anything more sinister about all this - then that's all you need to know for now.

thescouselander

floss2 wrote: »

Now before you bite my head off, I have been through this scenario and come out the other side (the detail of what happened is irrelevant).

Do you think maybe it is time to slacken the rope you have around your husband's neck, after 7 years? Do you honestly believe a marriage can be rebuilt if one partner has "told" another what they can and cannot do?

Trust needs to be earned, not granted as if it were a highly prized award.... after 7 years of doing as he is told and keeping his nose clean perhaps your husband has had enough of these "rules" and feels he has proven he can be trusted....yet you wonder why he didn't tell you - probably because he expected you to react in this way.

I think that during your holiday maybe you should think about whether some counselling for you (not just as a couple) would help you to work through the whole affair / trust thing and enable you to move on from this awful predicament that you have both got into.

Good luck
Floss xx

I have to agree with this to some extent. If the OPs husband had been told not to have female friends I'm not surprised he didn't want to come clean about going for coffee with this woman.

It could have been completely innocent but that intial mistrust has now mushroomed into something bigger. Mistrust within a relationship is not conducive to openness IMHO. I dont think it is a good idea to tell someone who they can and cant be friends with or these sorts of incidents are bound to happen.

lostinrates

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

no, he made a serious mistake and needs to make this up to her every day.

If he was bored/sick of work, instead of going for "coffee" he should have come home to his family.

I've never been in OPs situation, but I couldn't survive in an untrusting relationship for seven years, or imgine having a DH who was still apologising for something(albeit a terrible thing) for the rest of our married lives. I can't imagine banning DH from seeing his exex before me or other female friends and vice versa.

A coffee with a friend/colleague, is a coffee with a friend/colleague. IMO if you don't use the holiday time to strengthen the relationship it will be further hurdle in it. If DH is fed up then he needs to be able to turn to you.

I'm not condoning cheating, but coffee isn't cheating.

pinkshoes

I'd say this all boils down to a lack of trust in your relationship.

Telling him he can't have female friends is a recipe for disaster, and certainly no way to go about a relationship. Either you trust him or you don't. Either he can keep it in his pants or he can't.

You need to TRUST him, otherwise there is no point being with him. So he was bored and went for coffee with someone who just happened to be female. He probably didn't tell you, because he knew you'd over-react even though it was an innocent cup of coffee.

I think you need to decide whether you're going to trust him 100%, or call it a day, as there really is no inbetween.

If you trust him 100% and then he does cheat, by all means cut up his clothes and kick him in the goolies, but at least you gave the relationship a fair chance.

floss2

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

no, he made a serious mistake and needs to make this up to her every day.......

So 7 years isn't enough? And as part of paying for that previous affair he has to be told every day what he can & cannot do like a child?

maryotuam

Don't crucify him. You might drive him away and that would be awful if he has tried to be a wonderful husband and Dad for the past 7 years. Give him the benefit of the doubt so that you all don't have a miserable holiday.

I think your self esteem is very low and you need to think about looking at ways at building that up. My OH made one mistake early on in our relationship. 30 years later it never happened again. He has on occasions gone for the odd drink with female friends and I trust him. The most important point to get accross to your OH is never to lie to you.

youngfish

Im very soory that this man has upset you again after what had happened before. He has had to work hard to get his marriage back on track so why would he risk it all again? or does he think he got away with it once & he knows you are vunerable &U wouldnt want to be on your own & upset your children that he now has the confidence to get up to old tricks again? Afterall he asked this woman for a coffee and has only admitted it because he has been backed into a corner. How do you know he isn't seeing her more regularly? In reponse to a previous reponse - yes a man can have female friends but NOT when he has messed around in the past & knows his wife would be very upset by this. If he had any respect he would'nt have this person as a `friend'. I am sorry if this does not sound very nice but only you know him - is he a person who requires constant attention from the opposite sex. Only you know what you can live with - will you be questionning him every time he goes out to buy a paper? Staying together for children is not always the best soloution as overthe years they will pick up on the atmosphere.

mrcow

pinkshoes wrote: »

I'd say this all boils down to a lack of trust in your relationship.

Telling him he can't have female friends is a recipe for disaster, and certainly no way to go about a relationship.

I absolutely agree.

I've lost count of the times I've gone out for drinks or lunch or coffee with male colleagues or friends.

If my partner ever tried to say I couldn't, sorry, but I'd probably laugh at him. The idea that coffee/chat automatically equals affair is ludicrous.

Anyone thinking otherwise needs to look at the trust levels in their relationships!