What type of woman?

overthehills

Loopy, yes I get passionate about things and have allowed my personal situation to cloud my judgement. When I mentioned OH's daughter turned on me, it was a series of events which went from a fabulous relationship dancing around the lounge singing "Hey baby" (DJ Otzi) to nothing in the space of a week. What I suspect happened (because there is no other rational explanation) is bint was jealous of another woman playing mum with her child. I've had stabs of jealousy when my children have spoken about the fab times they spent with ex's GF, but I eventually thought, hey, if my kids are having a nice time and they are happy what's the problem. There would be if she hated them.
OH's daughter ignored me and isolated me in my own home. She was told (and her mother admited this to me) she was not to talk to me, afterall "You are nothing to do with my daughter, never have been and never will."
Have you ever looked into the face of a child when you have spoken to her to see nothing but panic at the potential of having to answer me, after mum has told her not to?

Zara. Not everyone is the same. There are men who move on and dump their past. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a man who did that. However, in our case it was my OH who was dumped and as he so rightly says, the woman never faces the loss. She doesn't have to give up the child, the man nearly always does. To have been living with someone who wants a part of his childs life but who is denied it is hard. Their every waking moment is supposed to be spent living, breathing the child. I think this is what some women expect of the father. For my OH, it's not a case of giving up or throwing in the towel, but when is HE allowed a life? When can WE start to put our lives back together. When is HE allowed to want to stop fighting? Will it be enough when I bury him through constant knocks and setbacks, when all this fighting has done nothing but drain him? Bint has, she dropped her knickers, got married and has what she wants. Her daughter all to her self.
We just want to be able to salvage what we can of our marriage. We have a child together, doesn't she deserve some of daddy's attention?

Please do not read this as an attack or an aggressive post, it isn't. But from my dear OH's pov, he's suffered the worst heartache and now wants to be able to steal something back of his life.

Zara33

overthehills wrote: »

Please do not read this as an attack or an aggressive post, it isn't. But from my dear OH's pov, he's suffered the worst heartache and now wants to be able to steal something back of his life.

I didn't...best of luck with everything.

overthehills

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

You seem to have an idealistic view of how families should live if there is a seperation and then merge with another partner and children are included and if they don't fit into your neat little box then there seems to be a whole heap of venom gets heaped on PWC's.

Just an observation.

Is that such a bad thing? To expect a mother who loves their children to behave in a similar way to how I do? I know that's not realistic, but it is in the benefit of the child. The child we are all supposed to love so much.
Ther is a single parents board, where many of the "parents" seem to think it's acceptable to stop contact because the NRP was 1/2 hour late. What seems to be lacking in the seperation is what is best for the child. Some PWC seem to think it's ok to play god with their children. It keeps the NRP in check. They blame the NRP for not acting in a way that they think they should. No offence to men but they don't tick like we do. If parents really cannot do the communication thing because of "issues" then fine. No one is expecting hugs and kisses, but just keep to the aggreed arrangements. try not to change them except for total emergencies, and even in some of these, keep to contact times and arrange your side rather than relying on the ex. The thing which children need most is stability, especially in family breakdowns. They need to know that is it ok for them to like even love the other parent's partners. If they see you happy, then they are happy. Isn't this what we all want?

I'm a good person and I stand by my OH shoulder to shoulder. I have never questioned his reasoning regarding his child just tried to support him. He needs that. He needs to know I'm not judging him for not trying 2000% in keeping contact with his child. I e mail the school, they provide news letters. I do everything I can to ease his pain. I don't want him reminded of it day in day out. He can do that himself.

I've learned alot from bint on how to be a good parent to my children and whether in my opinion my ex is a [EMAIL="!!!!"]!!!![/EMAIL] father, the children love him. If any of mine wrote a letter to their dad like OH got, I would be mortified. I would be questioning my parenting skills and wonder what kind of mother I was to think writing a letter saying they didn't want to see their dad, was the right thing to do.

duchy

I can see any mother not been too thrilled at another woman "playing Mum" to their child. There are plenty of step parents who respect the child already has a Mum (or Dad) and don't try to compete but find a role that is complimentry to that without trying (or making the birth parent feel) they are competing.

As for the name change thing-I didn't think a PWC could just change a child's name without the permission of the NRP (may only be if married tho). I recall past posts where this was discussed.

overthehills

duchy wrote: »

I can see any mother not been too thrilled at another woman "playing Mum" to their child. There are plenty of step parents who respect the child already has a Mum (or Dad) and don't try to compete but find a role that is complimentry to that without trying (or making the birth parent feel) they are competing.

As for the name change thing-I didn't think a PWC could just change a child's name without the permission of the NRP (may only be if married tho). I recall past posts where this was discussed.

It wasn't that I was trying to replace her mother. I was trying to treat her like one of my children so she felt welcomed, belonged. Being a mum means cooking, washing, reading stories, watching tv together among other things. What would you have me do? Not do anything for her incase I upset her mother? I had to accept it with my ex's GF. She was going to do things for my kids, I never felt threatened by that. Actually glad that someone liked my kids as much as I do!! I was eventually told to stop washing her clothes. Anything I had bought for her which went home with her was sent back ruined.

As for the name thing. "Otherwise known as" She did this at the doctors, school etc. Perfectly legal.

DUTR

Zara33 wrote: »

This is a child, your child that we are talking about. When i read comments like this i think how cold and callous! You just don't sem to care and i know that is what bothers me, how can a person who helped create this child really not give a dam?

There are several NRP's on this board whom i have the upmost respect for because they are doing everything in their power to have their child in their life...the other NRP's well.

I will try and answer the replies one by one,
I have nrp friends who follow the process and are no further progressed than those that 'don't bother' .
So why do something for nothing, when you can do nothing for nothing.
Remember everybody's episode is different. Yes I can see your logic in saying it is your flesh n blood, however it is no point kidding oneself or the child to think "well this is wrong but you will always get forgiven in time" but that is in my example and Im sure your's is different.

Caroline73_2

DUTR wrote: »

I will try and answer the replies one by one,
I have nrp friends who follow the process and are no further progressed than those that 'don't bother' .
So why do something for nothing, when you can do nothing for nothing.
Remember everybody's episode is different. Yes I can see your logic in saying it is your flesh n blood, however it is no point kidding oneself or the child to think "well this is wrong but you will always get forgiven in time" but that is in my example and Im sure your's is different.

Do you find it easier to pretend your child doesn't belong in your life than go through painful battles to gain access?

Zara33

DUTR wrote: »

I will try and answer the replies one by one,

Thankyou much appreciated

DUTR

Zara33 wrote: »

Why does one parent get the control/power you both created a life 50/50 she couldn't have done it without you and vice versa. It shouldn't be a fight, we as parents should be grown up enough to put anger/hate to one side and work out what is the best thing for the child.

I despise my NRP because he just walked away, and he has never looked back. In his words "I don't care about xxxxxxx" i have a new family.

Tell me what my child did to deserve being punished like that because for the life of me i can't figure it out, and yes it does eat away at me and yes it probably does make me very bitter towards the NRP.

This one I think should be fully answered off forum.
Indeed the child did nothing to deserve the situation they are in, after all we cannot choose our parents or siblings only our friends and partners (to a point).
The law states or society dictates that the PWC gets the control (which is usually the female) .
I suppose the father has to prove he is 'cool' to the mum before he is then allowed fair access???
If the NRP has met somebody else who accepts him as he is as opposed to having to live up to text book ideals, then naturally that is where one will want to donate their time to where they are intrinsically appreciated. It's just a thought.

DUTR

Caroline73 wrote: »

Do you find it easier to pretend your child doesn't belong in your life than go through painful battles to gain access?

I find it easier not to have unnecessary stress, there is no garuantee that the fight will be worth it, at the end of the day, when does the battles stop? We have to fight for enough in life.

Then I would have to put myself in the PWC's shoes and ask myself , what would I do ?
Weekly contact from the child to the absent parent would be mandotary, financial support would not even be thought of, and if the nrp wants to see/spend time with the child, that would be at their cost. Xmas and birthdays nrp gets priority, all these to me reduce the battle and control aspect