Son still at home

michellemybelle

I'm looking on some views regarding my 24 year old son who still lives at home with me and his step-dad. I am afraid I have let him get far too comfortable and it looks like he will never make the move and leave home. I know some of this is my fault. Why would he want to leave says my husband (his step dad). I do everything for him - washing, cooking, all the usual stuff. Then when it comes to the weekend his girlfriend stays one night and I cook them breakfast one day as well. She also has a roast on sundays most weeks. His girlfriend comes round three to four nights each week and they stay in his bedroom but come down for drinks and snacks. We feel we can never slop around in our p'j's too early because of this and I end up going to bed early to feel comfortable. My husband thinks he is taking the mickey now as he helps himself to beers out the fridge as well. My son has more money to himself each month than either of us. I don't really mind doing all this for him but my husband feels that as we get older we should have more freedom to do what we want without thinking of my son all the time. He is and quite able to cook but makes a mess. Just wondering what initial steps I could make to shift him. They both earn good money but have no savings as he tells me he wants to enjoy life while he is young. Any thoughts?

NOVASTAR

Hi Michellemybelle - Does he contribute to the food bill?

myrnahaz

You have to be tough, I'm afraid. Tell him that you can't afford to keep him any more and that if he wants to keep living with you then he has to pay you the going rate for rent, food, laundry, light, heat etc etc. Maybe this will spur him into realising that he can afford his own place.
Saying that, my DD is 25 and still lives at home, pays no rent etc (but buys her own food now and then, and sometimes cooks for me and her Dad), so don't take my advice, lol!

tanith

I was in your position until my son was 31 :eek:sorry but its true.. he is gone now but actually came back for a year:eek: and I was the silly woman who let him, I know it was all my own fault , we mothers and our sons :rolleyes:

My son like yours didn't want the responsibilites that came with moving out, we make it too easy for them.. but I know that if I had to do it all again I would do it the same way... which is really stoopid... but there you go ...

Everyone will tell you the only way is to give him a deadline, throw him out , make him save for a deposit, stop being his mother (no washing, cooking and mollycoddling) but unless you are prepared to do that (I wasn't) you are going to be stuck with him till he grows his independance wings...

Not much help I know , just my experience... my son is happily moving into a new flat with his wonderful girlfriend next Friday after living in a mates spare room for 18mths. So the time will come but it might take a bit longer than you think.

[Deleted User]

Do you charge him any rent? If not.. why not?

It's quite pitiful really to be 24, living at home and have no savings. When i was that age (blimey.. only 5 years ago) I was saving like crazy to get a deposit to put on a home. I also had moved out at 22 and was paying rent in a shared house.

MrsTinks

As someone who moved in with my BF and his parents (I was 17...) I seriously hope you're charging him rent! We paid rent to my OHs parents whilst saving for our own place. When we finally bought a house he decided to gut it so we couldn't move in - we split and I think he and his wife finally moved out of his parents place early this year into the house... If memory serves he's about 34 now if not slightly older...
I'd get him to start paying rent or get out and stand on his own two feet - you're not doing him any favours letting him live at home as he's never going to learn to be responcible for himself or his own money that way. If he was saving like mad for a deposit for a house/flat then yes I'd probably have a lot more sympathy but from what you're saying he's just spending it...

houseofboys

As a mother of 3 boys under 16,I guess I have all this to come! :eek:
However I feel that if you want to relax in the evenings and put you pj's on then go for it! I bl00dy well would! As the only female in the house I have never felt the need *cover up* so to speak and if I want to relax I will!

I'm teaching my eldest how to use the washing machine,if he wants it washed and i'm at work,he'll know what to do. And clothes that are on the floor stay on the floor,I am not a maid and that goes for hubby too!

Maybe if you start being comfy in your own house when girlfriend is around *may* encourage them to maybe stay at hers?

Its YOUR house,go for it,start doing things YOU and your partner want to do and he'll soon get the message (hopefully!)

Good luck!

underlay_guru

Hi,

I too can relate to this.....I have a friend of 30 years old who is still living at home with his parents, with absolutely no intention of moving out......I don't think he is taking the p***, just doesnt know hoe to move out, I suppose! He pays £100 per month for his keep...

His parents are moving away soon - he intends to move with them....oh dear!

pinkshoes

A third of men apparently live with their parents now!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7999579.stm

Just sit him down one evening and discuss it with him as an adult. Tell him you're struggling financially, and although you love him living at home, would he mind contributing a little to the bills (gas/elec/food), and perhaps cooking a meal once a week, and pitching in with the cleaning.

Ask him what he would feel to be a fair amount, show him the gas/elec/council tax bills you have to pay, plus the food bill.

Also, ask him if it would be possible for you and his step dad to have a "night in" once a week where he goes out to give you some privacy.

He's an adult, he'll understand!

catherine_h_2

Hi
Just to add my little bit:p The fact he's still at home at 24 isn't that big a deal(most of my friends are still at their parents at 25+:eek:), the fact he does naff all is!!
Imho you should start treating him like a lodger, he should be paying a third of everything if theres just the 3 of you and doing his own washing and cooking etc, it's not mean, it's preparing him for the real world and for when he moves out. His gf will thank you for it in the long run:rotfl:
If this is difficult for you then increase his rent(sounds like he can afford it!) to whatever he'd be paying if he moved into a shared house in your area & either keep it to pay for his share of things or save it for him and when he does move out he's got a decent deposit from his lovely caring mother;)

And finally its your house so make sure you comfortable in it, if you want your jammies on...go for it, you pay the bills so do what the heck you want....might be the push he needs;)

floss2

catherine_h wrote: »

......And finally its your house so make sure you comfortable in it, if you want your jammies on...go for it, you pay the bills so do what the heck you want....might be the push he needs

I like this idea......and how many 24 year olds would be comfortable with the thought of their parents having marital relations, never mind "catching" them snogging on the sofa one night?! You need to reclaim your home by whatever means however sneaky, and embarrassing him / them will be a great start Or (please discuss this with your OH first!) even scare them by leaving a pregnancy test kit in the bathroom for them to see!