Son still at home

remembered_nights · 7 May 2009 at 1:00AM

I'm 24 and still at home

I pay 1/3 and cook generally 2-3 times a week, help with the cleaning etc and do all the ironing (the latter being a much-hated job except by me!)

I am looking for a new job at the moment and I would like to move into a flat with friends... however best friend moved to yorkshire and other best friend doesn't want to move out in the forseeable future as her rent helps the family too much.

Sparky09 · 7 May 2009 at 1:46AM

In my opinion he probably thinks you need him, a lot more than he needs you. I'm a male aged 23, I rented my own place at 17 as I was eager for independance, yet all of my schoolfriends of same age, still live with their parents. I do not understand their mind-set, but do know that a lot of them are under the impression their mum wouldn't want them to leave, because then their mothers lifes would be meaningless with out being able to run around and clean up after them!

They have no absolutely no idea about bills, some don't even know what council tax is! Food prices is another thing their clueless about, they looked at me like I'm mad when I moaned about how much bread prices rose recently. They all earn more than me working in London, yet after spending their money on clothes and going out at the weekend, they're always skint! How this can be the case when they pay no rent, bills, or shopping, is just mind boggling!

Wirenth · 7 May 2009 at 4:49AM

"I do everything for him - washing, cooking, all the usual stuff."

:eek:Er, no. Usual stuff, at age 24?!! What on earth are you doing, still doing his washing and cooking at age 24? No wonder he doesn't want to leave, he has his very own house servant!

He should have been brought up to be independent, i.e. capable of doing his own bl00dy washing and cooking. You've made a rod for your own back, there.

I was doing my own washing by age 11 and never hesitated to put my parents' in the machine or on the line if it needed to be done. From age 16, I've been sparing my mother all the heavy jobs (she's got neck problems from all the years of heavy duty lifting as a nurse) by doing all her house cleaning and gardening. (In case you are wondering about Dad, they've split.)

What woman is going to want to marry this boy, if this is what he has been taught to expect as the norm from a home life? Frankly, I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole! Its going to be very hard to change his expectations and behaviours from here on in.

I'm lucky as there is nothing my parents wouldn't do for me, but your son needs to realise that relationships are give and take from both directions!

BritRael · 7 May 2009 at 6:26AM

From my early teenage years (working a paper round) I always gave my widowed mum housekeeping money on a 50% basis (and I've felt guilty my whole life that I couldn't give more). During my apprenticeship I carried on doing this and was always skint. However, it wasn't until I left home at 24 that I realised the cost of living. I just thought that I 'paid my way'. Well, I didn't!! As soon as I started living alone I realised that things (rent/elec/gas/ telephone/food/washing etc) are bloody expensive. The sooner your son is made to realise this fact of life the better it'll be for him.

I agree with the others who said 'show him this thread'.
er...when he does move out...er...can I have his room

floss2 · 7 May 2009 at 9:15AM

naturally wrote: »

......Not aimed at anyone in particular: but please, all the mothers of sons who are reading this, for the sakes of the women who will come into your son's life please ensure he can cook, clean and use a washing machine & iron as a bare minimum.

Both of mine can - one of the joys of being a single parent working full time is that my DS's both had to muck in with housework & can both use a washer & iron, wash-up, hoover and cook (and both possess & know how to use cookery books).

It was an unwanted legacy from my ex-MiL that my ex did not even know how to wash-up when he & I got together, never mind sort laundry, load a washer & iron his shirts or cook.

3onitsway · 7 May 2009 at 10:02AM

naturally wrote: »

!

Not aimed at anyone in particular: but please, all the mothers of sons who are reading this, for the sakes of the women who will come into your son's life please ensure he can cook, clean and use a washing machine & iron as a bare minimum.

Hear Hear!!

[Deleted User] · 7 May 2009 at 10:28AM

I'm not surprised you are concerned that your son is not saving. I wonder how big his credit card debts are - as I've generally noticed that people with no savings are typically in debt and rarely 'balanced'

Do you know if your son has debts?

Steel_2 · 7 May 2009 at 11:42AM

naturally wrote: »

Going to stick my neck on the block and moan about mothers over mothering their sons now. Its left to their girlfriends/ wives to sort out, which is bloomin difficult when they are in 20+ years' worth of habit of having it easy!

Not aimed at anyone in particular: but please, all the mothers of sons who are reading this, for the sakes of the women who will come into your son's life please ensure he can cook, clean and use a washing machine & iron as a bare minimum.

Yes please! I second that. I'm now my husband's second mother.

My mother-in-law apologised to me last year for doing everything for her boys and giving them no chores at all, although she did think 9 years of living alone would have sorted him out. :rolleyes: She forgets there was about 30 years prior to that where he was waited on hand foot and finger.

No wonder he wanted to marry me so quick...

angelicmary85 · 7 May 2009 at 12:15PM

When i was 18 I had a really smelly job at a factory and my mother would never let me put my work clothes in her machine so I had to catch a bus every sat morning and travel 15miles (bus took 45mins due to rural route) with my weekly washing, with my own washing powder (I used tablets...they were easier to transport!) and whilst my 3 machine loads of washing were on (needed a seperate one for my work clothes, one for all my other clothes and usually one for my bedding and/or towels) I would go and do my own weekly shopping at the nearest supermarket...and then cart it all home again on the bus. My OH was never allowed to stay over, I done all my own cooking, my dishes and sat in my room most of the night...I moved out as soon as I could!

Looking back on it..I feel quite hard done by!! haha!

Primrose · 7 May 2009 at 8:16PM

I know this is a hard thing to say, but parents like you ofen make it very hard for children to be able to handle their own finances responsibly later in life. He's earning a good income and should be paying you a fair rent and helping out in the home. Sit down with him and tell him that you are finding it difficult to support him in the credit crunch and ask either that he pays you a reasonable rent or moves out into his own rented accommodation. Set a deadline. If he has no sense of reality of what it costs to live, he will make a complete hash of handling his finances when he eventually does have to become independent. Apart from anything else your husband (his stepfather) has graciously put up with him for long enough. Don't you think he would now like to have your company just for himself for a while? Your son sounds rather irresponsible in his attitude to life and is quite happy for you to pay for it. Time to take the blinkers off his rose tinted glasses? Why not tell him that you're thinking of moving house before too long and now is the time for him to start thinking of his own plans and renting a flat for himself.