Estranged from parents, mother has passed away.What to do about funeral?

LouBlue

Kandipandi wrote: »

I sometimes think that my Dad died years ago (the daddy i adored and worshipped) and the man who is left is not my dad but a stranger and I have already grieved terribly for my daddy so there would be no point in going to the funeral and grieving for a stranger.

Well he was never a nice person, I think I have already grieved for the dad I never had. But on the positive side, I had the best mum in the world, so for that, I am truly grateful.

Kandipandi

LouBlue wrote: »

But on the positive side, I had the best mum in the world, so for that, I am truly grateful.

Ditto x

LouBlue

Kandipandi wrote: »

Ditto x

Glad to hear it. x

fatpiggy

I think I would go, but attend as discreetly as possible. If any of the other members of the family have a go,well you can leave, safe in the knowledge you won't have to see them again either. At least, as you say, you can use your hubby as a barrier. Good luck with what you decide to do.

aylesby

I feel for you
There is one chance to do this and it is now.
If it is what you want and there may be rejection are you up for it?
Listen only to your heart.
Plan a pretty dam quick exit.
Good fortune.

scouserwench

whattodo? wrote: »

I haven't spoken to my parents on a regular basis for many years. I tried a few times over the years since my children were born, but nothing ever came of it. My parents are just the same as when I was young - thought I should have done better for myself, always though things had to be done their way, were more worried about what outsiders would think than what their family needed, weren't any help with the kids, would call me swear-words in front of the kids, the list goes on but basically I stopped contact and have been more or less been h appy with ther decision ever since.
I'm ashamed to say I didn't miss them, didn't need them for anything and found it much easier to get on with living a happier life without the strain of trying to get along simply "because it's family".



However, I found out my mother passed away yesterday. Now I'm torn in two whether I should attend the funeral or not.

If I go, I'm not sure what good it would do anyone. Will I regret it if I don't go?

Should I just send flowers but not attend?

I'd really appreciate the input from people on here, I know some people have been in similar situations with being estrasnged from their parents, has anyone been in the same situation as this, and what did you do, I don't want to have any regrets. At this moment I'm leaning towards not attending, but tbh I'm still a bit shocked that this day has finally come.

I think you should go. She's still your Mom at the end of the day, no matter what has happened.

kindofagilr

Its tottally up to you and how you feel I know that doesnt help.

I havent seen my father since I was 13, he left when I was 2, I got in contact with him when I was 13 and he came to see me but then failed to keep in touch so I havent seen him since.

But I know if he died I would want to attend his funeral but I think its down to personal preference?

JMHO

I was faced with this very scenario recently. I did choose to go. I didn't go for my mother but out of respect for my father and to be a comfort to him. I didn't shed a tear and have never missed HER before or after her death. In the end, we must do what is right for ourselves and no one else. To be honest, as I drove to the funeral I wasn't even sure I would actually go. I prepared to go and drove there and decided I would allow myself to drive off or walk off at any moment.

On her death bed I went to see her. I walked into her room (she was unconcious) and just looked at her. I didn't have anything to say--not even goodbye. I stayed about five minutes and left.

ETA: My mother was completely abusive physically and emotionally. I took it for years. The turning point for me was when I became a mom and she tried it on my kids and family. No way. My decision to become estranged from her wasn't made rashly but was very well thought out. I discussed it with a minister and considered all possibilities. In the end, it was my only choice.

missprice

amazing how many people 'divorced' their parents

i too have done the same although they died a fair while back now
i didnt talk to them for years previously
oh and yes i went to the funeral but was pushed into it by a well meaning relatve who knew nothing about the way i was treated
wish i has not gone to be honest it was a waste of time
i felt nothing and was very uncomfortable being there (like a hypocrite)
hth

MissGivings_2

I would go.
I think you'd regret not going.

Going to your mother's funeral means that you are being the daughter and the person YOU want to be, not defined by the past or others.

It wouldn't mean that the past was any different, but that you're who you are and you're proud of it.