Estranged from parents, mother has passed away.What to do about funeral?

Itsgottabedone

You don't mention whether you have siblings who were closer to your parents. I'm thinking that your father might be glad to have you by his side on this difficult day, and that it might possibly lead to some sort of reconciliation between the two of you? Of course, if you have siblings who are closer to him than you this might not be appreciated, but your feelings will certainly lead to you to make the right decision for you.

mountainofdebt

I haven't spoken to my father for a number of years and I know I would find it hypocritical of me to attend his funeral when that days come; for this reason I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral (his mum) when she died.

I think the answer to your question lies in how you found out about her death and the manner of the announcement.

choille

You must have many things running around your head. It is still a shock when someone dies that we knew, even though we have been astranged from them for a long time.

Decide on the day - as it comes nearer the day of the funeral you will know what is best for you to do.

My sympathies - it's a complex time & no one but you can decide what is best.
If you go then you can always leave early, sit at the back, not go to the buffet - is there is one. There will be other choices, if you go on the day, to make, but you can play those by ear.
If you do decide to go, have someone supportive on your arm.
All the very best.

Kaz2904

I've been mulling this over for years, will I go or no? My parents aren't married to each other any more. Some days I think I'll go to make sure the b1tch is dead and other days I'll not go. I guess I won't know until it actually happens?

Whatever you decide, good luck with it.

jpmummy

I think you should go and hold your head high x x x big hugs x x x x

whattodo?_6

Thank you all so much for your points of view - I agree with you all.Still not sure of what to do.

Yes, I've known for years this day would come, but have pushed it to the back of my mind.

I do have a few happy memories of my mother, hopefully in time the not so nice ones will fade completely. One thing I found being estranged from my parents is that there was no opportunity to make fresh bad memories. Sadly there are no new happy ones either that include them, just me, my DH and kids.

It is likely to be a cremation so no grave to visit.

I doubt anyone would say anything to me at the funeral, certainly wouldn't dream of attending any 'tea' after it. I will have my husband there if I decide to go. He'd definitely be a great shield - he'd not let anyone say a word against me, and would get me out of there pronto should anything happen..

choille

We can't choose our birth families, but let there be thanks we can choose our loved ones.

All the best.

debtfreein4years

I would go as if things do turn ugly then you are always able to leave.

My granddad past away december 07 and he hadnt talked to any of us for a good 9 years, but even though they never talked she would not have forgiven herself if she hadnt gone to the funeral.

we went as a family and were ignored by just about every person attending, but it was needed for closure.

so sorry for your loss

gxx

CelticStar

Why do you feel the need to go? Be honest with yourself and try to decide whether you want to go because you genuinely feel the need or because other people keep telling you you will 'regret it' in the long term, or because you feel that to be a 'good' person you have to attend out of respect. Only you know how you will feel in the long term. I have been estranged from my parents for years now and I personally feel that attending a funeral after you have been estranged for a long time is a bit of an empty gesture. But that is my point of view and one I can live with - if you have a different view then that is equally as valid, just make sure you either go or don't go for your own reasons and not other people's.

frankie55

To say that my Mother was 'difficult' would be a total understatement! though we never came to the point of not seeing each other, or having rows, when she died three years ago It was a relief rather than a sadness at her passing. The funeral was a chance to put all the resentment aside though I did feel as if I was playing the part of a grieving daughter. Now, I wish she was still here, but I only remember the good times and push the bad away, sort of put it in the dustbin of the past..

Are you in contact of any other relatives who you can sound out how things were recently, and who could gently mention that you may attend the funeral? It may be easier all round if everyone knows that you may attend and give anyone with a strong grievence the chance to express it before you turn up.

In the long run I feel you will regret not attending and paying your respects, life causes us to forget the bad and in the fullness of time you will be glad that you have had the chance of closure. It's good to know your husband will be with you to give you the strength you will need.
I shall be thinking of you.